A Frank Letter to President Bush

[joemurphy]

President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC 20502

Re: Your Drinking

Dear President Bush:

I am a long-time Republican voter and a big fan of both you and your wife, Laura Bush. A few days ago, I was going through the checkout line in my local supermarket and I noticed an article about you in one of my favorite magazines, The National Enquirer. For some reason, they always have copies of The National Enquirer in the checkout lines of grocery stores here in Indiana. I managed to read the article while waiting my turn in line. I always seem to get in the slowest lines when I shop. Does that ever happen to you?

Anyway, the article said that due to all the trouble you had with Katrina you had started drinking again. In fact, it said that you had just poured yourself a “Texas-sized” shot of bourbon when Laura walked in and caught you, saying: “No, George, no!”

I don’t believe everything I read in The National Enquirer. But this article said it was based on statements from reliable White House sources. When I read that, I knew that it must have been Karl Rove. Karl Rove never leaks anything to the press unless it’s for your own good, so I figured that you were in denial about your drinking and Karl was trying to get you to realize you needed help.

Well, reading what had happened and Laura’s anguish on learning about the Texas-sized shot you were drinking really got to me. It reminded me of an old movie I once saw – “Days of Wine and Roses”. Maybe you’ve seen it too. Jack Lemon and Lee Remick were in it. It won an Oscar. Anyway, reading that article made me feel really sad –just the way Jack Lemon made me feel in the movie. Alcoholism is nothing to sneeze at. It wrecked Jack Lemon’s life in that movie.

Of course, I’m not an alcoholic myself. However, one of my relatives – my uncle Bela Toth – used to drink a couple of bottles of tokay every day. (Tokay’s a sweet Hungarian wine. I sometime have a glass of it myself after work. I like it better than bourbon, personally. But hey, I’m Hungarian. As Sly and the Family Stone say, “different strokes for different folks.” ). Bela was in denial too. We all told him he drank too much but he would never listen. He was really bad on holidays. One Christmas he took his Hungarian army hussar’s pistol out and started shooting the lights off of the Christmas tree in his living room. It ruined Christmas for everyone. It was only after that episode that Bela realized he had a problem.

Which brings me to the point of this letter. If you are drinking Texas-sized shots of bourbon behind Laura’s back, and Laura and Karl are trying to tell you that you have a problem, you should stop and listen! These are just a few of the tell-tale signs of alcoholism. Think about it. Didn’t you fall off your bicycle recently? Didn’t you almost choke to death once on your couch while trying to eat a pretzel? Haven’t you been slurring your words and speaking incoherently to the American public for a long time? Didn’t Karl Rove have to wire you up and whisper advice to you during your debates with Kerry? Haven’t you been really moody lately and snappy with your aides when they keep bringing you bad news?

Get my point? These are all signs of alcoholism. You’ve been in denial. But don’t worry about it too much. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Do what my uncle Bela did – get to an AA Meeting ASAP!! They know how to deal with booze. Laura and the kids will bless you for it.

If Alcoholics Anonymous isn’t anonymous enough for you, you might check into the Betty Ford Clinic. She was another famous Republican alcoholic. See, you aren’t alone! Don’t let your alcoholic thinking deter you from what you know needs to be done.

Except for your alcoholism, I think you are doing a great job in Washington. The main thing is to just stay sober. Don’t let stuff like hurricanes get you down. One day at a time and the Serenity Prayer helped my uncle Bela. I’ll bet they’d help you too.

Your friend,

Lazlo Toth

Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!

(Inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters)

[jmatthan]

1. Nice

eom

[titoresque]

2. WOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOO! HOT DAMN!

That was great! I seriously laughed outloud through the whole thing!
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[louis-t]

3. Don Novello? Father Guido? Funny guy.

My favorite skit was when he talked about visiting the vatican. He went into a gift shop and the guy tried to sell him a menu from the last supper. He said "...but he wonna too much, so I bought a menu fromma de last brunch. He try to charge me seeks-a-hundred lire but I presbyterian him down to five-a-hundred." G-a-a-a-a-a! :rofl:

[joemurphy]

4. Yup! That's the guy.

The popular form of the modern prank letter dates back at least 20 years, to Don Novello, the comedian who portrayed Father Guido Sarducci on Saturday Night Live. Posing as an average American named Lazlo Toth, he wrote to dignitaries and corporations from 1973 to 1976. The punchline was always in his letters, so it hardly mattered if or how anyone replied. Lazlo was classic because he created a character that bordered on unbelievable but never crossed the line where you couldn't imagine your nutty uncle at the typewriter. His book opens, for instance, with a letter to President Nixon that simply reads, "Fight! Fight! Fight! I'm with ya!" and is signed "Lazlo Toth, voting for Richard Nixon since 1952!" Later Toth wrote to Mobil Oil to thank them "for all that the oil companies have done for this country." And even the most vile dictators seemed pleased to hear that Lazlo was a lifelong fan.

<http://www.chiprowe.com/bookrev/lazlo.html>