|
Good evening fellow Americans. On the date of 9/11, American life forever changed. We were faced with a new, dangerous, yet cowardly villain. Americans stared into the face of evil that day, and awoke with a new understanding of the threats that face our country, and how we MUST deal with them.
It is with thoughts of the victims of 9/11 that we now turn to the tragic events unfolding in Southern California. Millions and millions of dollars of property have been destroyed, but what's worse is the human cost. Lives have been shattered and will have to be rebuilt from Ground Zero. Homes have been lost, schools have been shuttered, and NFL Monday Night Football games have been moved. The American people grieve. I grieve with you.
We have learned the lesson of 9/11, and that lesson is that we must be ever-vigilant. We must respond when attacked, and not wait for those who want to harm us to strike first. Then is why, tonight, I am launching a new war; a war designed to face a new, more cunning enemy, and to make America safe from the newest threat:
Trees.
For nearly 300 years, the American people have allowed trees to live peacefully among us. We have accepted them as neighbors and friends, allowing them to thrive on our property, and, in some cases, even our homes. We have watered and fed them. And every year, to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, we decorate them. To these great American values the trees have responded with a burning hatred that threatens to engulf the entire country in the fanning flames of evil.
Many Americans are asking: Why do they hate us? The answer is simple: They hate our freedom. Our freedom to get up and move from place to place. Our freedom to shop at our local Wal-Mart’s where we will find the absolute lowest prices. Our freedom to make right turns at red lights (in some states). But mostly, they hate our freedom to respond with blinding rage and fury whenever we are attacked. My fellow Americans, California is under attack right now. We will respond in the appropriate manner.
Starting immediately, we will begin removing the trees from these great United States. TO facilitate this removal, I have enlisted the help of Halliburton, who for 50 years have been under contract with your government in the Evil Fauna Destruction Dept. It is important to note that this operation will not cost the American taxpayer one penny, as we can finance the whole operation with the sale of sap and compost.
I can not stress the role of the average American in this operation. This tree removal will take many months, perhaps up to five years. Stopping this operation in the middle would be a victory to the terrorist trees. We know that after the events of 9/11, it would be un-American not to re-elect me to finish the job. We cannot, and will not, let evil win.
Thank you, good night, and God bless.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
