My letter to the editor , need feedback

[Mari333]

I will be sending this to our local rag:

Dear Editor:
Our family will not be celebrating the "Holidays" this year. No, we will not. There is nothing to "celebrate". Our stepson, who is 21, was just informed today that on Dec 21 he will be sent for 18 months to what his seargant described as "a sandy dangerous place".
While this "Faux" Holiday frenzy of buying and the nausea of cheery Holiday music fills the air of your shopping malls and stores, remember...many of us will be ignoring it. We will ignore the season of "peace" and "good will". Because we dont think there is any "peace
and goodwill" to celebrate.
We are the parents of the military. There is NO goodwill and peace when almost 500 of our children have been sent to be slaughtered in a fraudulent war by an illegal pResident in the name of his friends and cronies who are hell bent on making billions of dollars in rigged contracts for Halliburton and Bechtel, and the Carlyle Group.
Our country has been hijacked by greedy miscreants who are sending OUR children off to fight for NOTHING.
They die in the desert daily, to prop up the incomes of the very wealthy, the friends of Bush....and the crowd that owns the White House now, called PNAC... www.newamericancentury.org
These are the greedy bastards who want to kill our children. These are why our children die for NOTHING.
In the meantime, go about your Holiday shopping, pretend there is "peace" and "goodwill" , drink eggnog and keep pretending that as US citizens, you are well and happy this "Holiday " season.
In the meantime, over 500 dead soldiers families, and thousands of wounded soldiers families, and many more of us who are about to lose our children to this fraudulent war, are NOT celebrating.
The "Holidays" this year are filled with BLOOD...The Blood and Death of our children, and that BLOOD is on the hands of every US citizen who supports this fraudulent war in Iraq.
Shame, Shame on anyone who supports this war and the ongoing murder and atrocity of our young men and women who are being sent like sheep to the slaughter in the name of GREED and OIL.
The Blood is on your hands.
Oh, and "Merry Christmas", by the way. Enjoy your denial.
Remember one thing tho. Anyone who supports and encourages the death and destruction of our soldiers and loved ones do NOT represent Christ.
The Blood is on YOUR hands.

Mrs XXXXXX
XXXXXX, MI

[southerngirlwriter]

1. There are some spelling and grammar issues....

....but the content is excellent and well-expressed.

I write, edit, and proofread professionally. After you get all the feedback you want on the content, feel free to e-mail it to me and I'll tweak the grammar, spelling, etc., for you.

[Mari333]

2. Thanks...too much wine.

I just found out my stepson wont even be here at Xmas...and we dont know anything more. F*cking military wont even tell us.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

3. a couple pointers

I'd say cut it in half, be succinct and pointed rather than all over the place.

I love the "our country has been hijacked by greedy miscreats" - keep that. You may want to remove the "Shame, SHame" thing.

Oh, and as an addition I would recommend telling the editor to go down to the local VA hospital to find out what our vets think of the war.

[msmcghee]

4. Hi Mari,

Your letter really touched my heart.

If you want my feedback however, I'd say by being so emotional, you leave yourself vulnerable, as emotion so often does.

I can hear some RW jerk fire back, that he feels bad for your sadness but it's too bad the liberals can't just unite behind the brave GI's and parents who do support our military knowing there's a tough job to do and who are doing their best . . so let's all stop whining and get behind our wonderful president in this holiday season, roll up our sleeves and praise the Lord and pass the ammunition and . . . blah, blah. (They will actually write a more damaging reply than this - but my heart is not in it.)

You might consider something like . . .

I've always supported our country and I am so proud of my son who joined the military to serve in his own way. But now, as he gets ready to ship out, I am forced to ask some serious questions that I hoped I'd never have to ask. First, are the lives our children are being asked to give in Iraq, being given for the high ideals and true American values that I have always believed in and taught to my children? . . . etc.

This is just my opinion and I certainly can't put words to your feelings which I am sure is way beyond my capacity. You should say exactly what you think is right. I just hope you don't leave yourself open to some smartass RW jerk who would make you look foolish.

Your letter of course was not foolish to me at all - but I can imagine how they might twist it.

Peace

[msmcghee]

6. Addendum to above . .

PS As someone who has written many letters to the editor, it's important to remember that they have the advantage once your first letter is published. They can dissect it for the slightest weakness and then blast you. And you won't have a chance for a rebuttal. Their letter will be the last in the series.

One tactic you might consider is to wait for some RW'er to get a letter published supporting the troops and Bush* etc. Then edit your letter as a direct rebuttal to his, but making all your points.

This gives you the last word and also takes advantage of the editor's need to appear balanced by publishing your alternative view.

Cheers, Margi

[nostamj]

5. mari mari mari.... it is a righteous rant

and breaks my heart. but, I fear, too much for publication. here's an edit. a suggestion. i think you can convey the FULL depth of feeling w/o immediately alienating readers who might respond to your message.

Our family will not be celebrating the "Holidays" this year. No, we will not. There is nothing to "celebrate". Our son, who is 21, was just informed today that on Dec 21 he will be sent for 18 months to what his seargant described as "a sandy dangerous place".

While cheery Holiday music fills the air of the shopping malls remember that many of us will be ignoring it. We will ignore the season of "peace" and "good will". Because we don’t believe there is any "peace and goodwill" to celebrate.

We are the parents of your military. Almost 500 of our children have died and thousands have been grievously wounded in a ‘war’ for which there has been no proven justification. A ‘war’ for which there have been too many lies. A ‘war’ which is making richer men of Bush’s rich friends.

Go about your Holiday shopping, pretend there is "peace" and "goodwill" , drink eggnog and keep believing that as US citizens, you are well and happy and, yes, safer.

Nearly 500 families will grieve this season, and thousands of families will cope with the multilation and crippling of their loved ones.

[Military Brat]

8. This is perfect, Mari. Nostamj has created a gem of a letter.

Our thoughts will be with you.

[nostamj]

10. thanks MB

I don't have family in this mess (yet)

but I have nephews (and nieces) and I worry about them.

mari's passion and her message are SO important.

families.

families of the 9/11 dead crying for answers

families of the Iraqi invasion/occupation dead and wounded crying for answers

families who have seen their jobs, their futures, their children taken while a few prosper

and no answers, only more lies

[creativelcro]

9. This sounds more reasonable.

Although I totally understand, ranting will not get you published....

[Iverson]

12. additional revision

nostamj, I like your revision of Mari333's letter. I suggest that in the next-to-last paragraph you change the long run-on sentence into a series of short, punchy sentences. Also, use a transitional expression and fold the final paragraph into it. Here:

Go about your Holiday shopping. Pretend there is peace and good will. Drink eggnog, and keep supposing that as US citizens we are happy and, yes, safer. Meanwhile, nearly 500 families will grieve this season, and thousands of families will cope with the mutilation and crippling of their loved ones.

[Obamarama]

14. Mari, I like nostamj's edited version as well...

I think it would have a better chance of getting published. Your original version, while very good in its own right, might be a little too expressive for general publication.

Also, the edited version above puts more of the onus on the fraudulent Bush administration. We know that's what you implied in your original version, but to the casual reader it might seem like you're blaming THEM for this mess we're in.

I think the edited version will go over better in your community (I know where you live based on a private message you sent me in response to one of my posts last year - I'm in Kalamazoo) and there are likely lots of folks in outlying areas who would take exception to your letter and make no bones about letting you know it - you have to think of your own safety and peace of mind.

I don't know where you were planning to send this for publication (do you guys have a local paper over there?), but it might have a better chance of being published - and read by a wide audience - if you submitted to the Gazette as well.

Good luck, and may you find some glimmer of hope during what must be a difficult holiday season for you and your family. And last, but certainly not least, may your son be kept out of harm's way while he is in Iraq.

[nostamj]

7. needs a kick n/t

[newyawker99]

11. kick

:kick:

[Myra]

13. Wonderful Mari333. Where's the outrage? Here's the outrage!

eom

[trof]

15. my 2 cents-"bastards" won't fly.

and they don't really "want" to kill our children. That's just "collateral damage". Heartless and cruel, but just a byproduct.