My lawnmower is Evil. Ask me anything.

[MiddleRiverRefugee]

When we bought our house in June of 1997, one of the applicances that conveyed was a Sunbeam electric lawnmower who I dubbed "Mr. Casey" for reasons to be explained later.

1. Mr. Casey claims to have the equivalent torque of a 3 HP gasoline engine. I believe him, and you would too if you heard him running.

2. I believe Mr. Casey hates mowing the lawn as much as I do, as his general policy when cutting through a swatch of high ground is to Leave Nothing Standing. Twigs, branches, stones in the path of the mower? Lesser mower blades have been destroyed by such things. Mr. Casey just keeps on going.

3. When you turn Mr. Casey off using the "Dynamic Safety Switch" on the handle he screams. Literally. The sound scares small animals, who mistake the sound for one of their own.

4. On Mr. Casey's engine there are three Caution: statements writ small in black block letters. If you try to read them while Mr. Casey is on, it will be too late to heed at least two of them.

5. Sometimes when Mr. Casey gets too hot and spontaneously shuts down as he is wont to do, he takes most of the house current along with him. (For the record: I swear under oath that I was NOT mowing the grass on Thursday at 4:14pm.)

6. One precaution I always take when working with Mr. Casey is to make sure my wife and Daughter are locked securely inside the house until I am done.

7. I treat Mr. Casey with a lot of respect. I suspect that he has killed more than just grass, and I suspect he will again.

Why is this evil appliance called Mr. Casey, you ask? Well, the gentleman who sold us our house was employed by a certain government Agency based in Langley, Virginia (do you need me to elaborate?). Anyway, he told me that when he bought the house in the mid-80's he also bought a used lawnmower off one of the Agency's Cafeteria bulletin boards.

The lawnmower's owner was a "special assistant" to the Agency's Director.

The Agency's director's name, I believe, was Mr. Casey, hence the name of the lawnmower.

I do not know the rest of the story, nor do I wish to.

edit: per anonymous phone call

[GOPisEvil]

1. I can't ask you anything. I'm laughing too hard!

Matcom's dad might be able to confirm parts of your story, should you feel the need, someday. :-)

[ameriphile]

2. Run like hell

The Sunbeam model you describe was built to military specifications and was never intended for use in the consumer market. Twigs, branches and stones don't slow this baby down because its blade is made of depleted uranium-- the same substance that tips armor-piercing anti-tank shells.

Given this mower's long history at your residence, I would suspect that your yard is thorougly contaminated with uranium dust, and if you truly value your family's health, you will pack them into the SUV, and drive far, far away.

[On the Road]

3. Lawnmowers Are One Thing I Do NOT Miss

about having a yard.

Erratic lawnmowers should give you pause, especially electric ones that keep going if they flip over. You are a brave man

[reprehensor]

4. Ask you anything?

Well, do you or Mr. Casey think that David Kay will actually produce any WMDs next month? If he does, will it have been planted by the CIA? Or will he just produce evidence of WMD 'programs'?

You said 'Ask me anything.'

[MiddleRiverRefugee]

5. Mr. Casey's reply....

"I can safely say that s(*&_)R&^RTL>YDSLJ:KDdasf;lk;'kp'iOudfo'aufo:LAJljlLl;L]
]****
;'
l
(YAAAHH!!)

[newyawker99]

6. Hi reprehensor!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[Aristus]

7. Did your lawnmower come with an evil satyr who crawled along

behind it, eating all the clipped grass? No?

Okay then, walk away from it, it never happened.