No sex, you're a dad now

[TXlib]

No sex, you're a dad now
May 14 2003
By Andra Jackson


First-time fathers are unprepared for the dramatic decline of sexual relations with their partners after childbirth, a pioneering study of Australian men has found.

The study of 250 males with an average age of 29, found that even a year after the first birth the sexual relationship was "nowhere near" pre-pregnancy levels, Flinders University's Professor John Condon, one of the researchers, said yesterday.

Professor Condon, who conducted the study with Philip Boyce, said this affected nearly all the males.

More...

[bearfan454]

1. Husbands of wives that had total hysterectonies too

Hormones aren't cutting it either.

[Bunny]

2. Much of it is called maternal exhaustion.

I also think it's an evolutionary thing on the part of the female. Nature cuts down the sex drive, so that all resources can be devoted to the infant already born. Don't want to get pregnant too soon after one birth, cause that child will suffer due to the demands of the next growing fetus/newborn. Or something like that...

[primavera]

12. That and "nesting"

Happily, this isn't a problem I face personally, but I hear from friends who are married with children that often the primary focus turns from the marital relationship and towards the imperatives of childrearing and creating the proper environment. One friend tells me that his wife now only wants to talk about what curtains to buy for the children's room, or what color to paint the walls, or other such domestic topics. He feels that they no longer interact with each other as husband and wife, only as co-parents.

This seems like a serious issue for parents: how do you preserve a relationship, and not just a sexual one, but any sort of intimacy or romance with your spouse in the face of childrearing? Is there no more satisfying advice that can be offered to such couples than simply "that's life, just live with it"? If the focus of one's relationship turns so exclusively towards children, how surprised can we be at the tragically high rates of marital infidelity?

[Bunny]

17. It is true.

You become co-parents, rather than H&W, or SO's. It happened to me both times, and I honestly don't know how I could have avoided it. Nearly my entire thought processes and actions were geared around kids, house, and job. The man took the back seat, much to my regret now, but like I said, it was all I could do at the time to keep EVERYTHING ELSE running smoothly! Maybe I have control issues, I don't know... Now that my kids are much older, that would not be as big an issue anymore, except that the man is gone! Live and learn, I guess.

[primavera]

20. So what's the solution?

As you say, there's not much that you could have done differently, and I can well imagine that your hands would be extremely full and not leave you with much latitude in terms of how you spent your time. Yet, as you also say, your fella is history. I get the impression this is not an uncommon problem for new parents. Is there anything couples can do about it? If I may ask so personal a question, what would you ideally have liked your partner to have done differently? Is the problem chiefly that men are simply unrealistic in their desire to preserve romance, intimacy, and adult interaction even in the face of the exigencies of childrearing and they just need to grow up and accept that, for the next 20 years, they simply can't expect those things? Or is there room for compromise? Any thoughts?

on edit I ask because I actually have a good friend who's going through this right now, who actually may end up getting a divorce over this very issue, and I'm desparate for some advice to offer him.

[Bunny]

22. BOTH people have to compromise.

I needed to pay more attention to his needs, and he needed to be more understanding of my stresses. I allowed children, house and job to take up all my resources, at his expense. It was unfair to him, and our communication skills were severely lacking, so we were not able to talk it out. He could not understand why, after an 18 hour day, I was in no mood to put on the teddy and strut around the bedroom half the night. And woe be unto him if he tried to wake me up during the night for a quickie! I'd have killed him, because my sleep was way too important to me at that time. But, looking back, I now realize that, most times, he'd have been happy with a ten-minute special right before falling to sleep. And it would not have killed me to go along with it - if I remember right, even when I wasn't really in the mood, once we got going I usually changed my mind ;-)!

(Truth be told, I think the relationship would have ended eventually no matter what, but having children just intensified the stress.)

In our society, there is no denying that the woman still bears much, if not most, of the burden of child-rearing and housework. But unlike the bad old days, many women also have to work, or choose to work. This creates an amazing level of stress and guilt on the woman, because she is not only expected to be behave as she did pre-children, i.e., job and house duties, she's also now got child(ren) to take care of as well. And she can't just raise her children, she's got to be supermom.

Pressures on the father are also heightened, because he now has offspring to be responsible for. His duties as a provider have become unequivocal now - there's no getting out of it just by walking away. So it is also stressful on him. I think the level of responsibility that a man feels when he becomes a father is very often underestimated.

Men relieve stress through sex. A new mother, or even the mother of small children, often sees sex as just another chore on her list of things to do. And sex can definitely be put off, whereas the care and maintenance of a child cannot. The demands of her employment must also be met, if she intends to keep working. The dishes and laundry can be put off to some extent, but at some point they have to get done.

As for your friends, they should both understand that this is only temporary. As the child(ren) become more self-sufficient, the level of exhaustion and vigilance on the part of the mother should decrease, the sex drive should return, and hopefully they can get back on track. It will never be the way it was before, because you simply can't do it on the kitchen table in front of your kids! But it should get better.

And for your friend, the husband, if he's not already doing house chores, child care, and making sure that she has time to herself, he'd better get started!;-)

I hope they can stay together, because if the relationship is basically a good one, it is better for the kids if both parents are there. Probably my biggest regret as a mother is that I'm doing it alone.

[primavera]

23. Thank you!

What a great message, I really appreciate your taking the time to write such a thoughtful and personal response.

I must admit, watching my friend's predicament has been something of a distresing experience, as I previously would have told you without hesitation that they were surely the world's happiest, healthiest, and most well adjusted couple, so seeing even them having these kinds of serious problems really makes me wonder how marriages survive children. I think it's perhaps a little more pronounced in their case as they inadvertently had two children back to back, so the level of physical dependency upon them both has been extreme. My friend came to visit me not long ago and I was amused to find how much my boring, modest lifestyle as a single man impressed him. "You mean... you actually get to read books?!" You'd have thought I was a rock star or something. It's been kind of a sobering realization for me to realize just how much of yourself you have to give up in order to be a parent, I don't think many nonparents fully comprehend the degree of self-sacrifice involved. My hat's off to you and others who are willing to make the sacrifice, I frankly have my doubts about whether or not I could stand it myself.

[kcwayne]

3. Reminds me of the joke...

A three year old walks into the bathroom when her dad steps out of the shower. The three year old says "Dad... what is THAT?"

He covers himself with a towel, and calmly says, "Go get your mother, I'll explain it to both of you"

[AWD]

8. Or....

A couple takes their 3-year-old son to the zoo. While approaching the elephants, the man has to use the restroom and takes off for a moment.

While he's gone, the boy sees the elephant's penis and asks "Mommy, what's that?"

"Oh, that's his trunk" she says.

"No, mommy...back there!"

"Oh, that's his tail" she replies.

"No, no mommy...underneath!"

The mother, clearly flustered and embarrassed, says "Oh. that's nothing.

The father returns from the restroom and the mother leaves to also use the facilities.

The little boy asks the father the same question.

the father replies "Oh, that's the elephant's penis"

The boy asks "well, then how come mommy said it was nothing?"

The father places his hand on the boy's shoulder and says "Son, your mother's spoiled."

[Sal316]

4. Taking care of a newborn is exhausting!

I can attest to that personally. Yes, the sex does decrease, but it's because you sleep when the baby sleeps (usually in 90 minute shifts!) leaving you totally exhausted.

But, once the kids are a little older it does pick up again.

[greenwow]

5. Understatement!

> "nowhere near" pre-pregnancy levels

That's an understatement. They should have worded it "disappeared completely to never be found again."

[ScreamingMeemie]

6. As a mother who nursed, I couldn't stomach the thought of anyone

else hanging on me after walking around with my little marsupial clinging to me all day. It got much better after weaning. Mommys need space.

[KCDem]

7. I use to enforce 'nipple time-outs'!

They needed their alone time after a long day with the baby.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. I should have thought of that.

:-)

[Skittles]

9. apparently no one told my folks

mum had three babies in 21 months. I be the middle one. :D

[dawg]

10. Middle child, huh?

No wonder you're such a psycho! :silly:

Just kidding, I don't want my ass kicked or anything!

[Skittles]

14. lol

I have five brothers total - no sisters. THAT'S what made me psycho!

[northzax]

11. that's why you get a nanny

she can either take care of the kid or the father. or, if you're really lucky, both.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

15. I keep telling my girlfriend that

she doesn't seem to see it the same way!

[Zomby Woof]

16. Yet ANOTHER good reason to never be a Dad

Child-free freedom! :D

[Interrobang]

21. I was just thinking the same thing...

...from the other perspective. If pregnancy kills female sex drive, yet another reason not to do it! (And another reason to go back on the Pill, somehow.) In fact, speaking for myself in particular, I can't think of a reason why I would want to have children, since the set of counterarguments are so compelling.

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

24. Thank you for voluntarily removing yourself from the gene pool!

More for us :)

[Zomby Woof]

26. more what?

Conspicuous consumption of resources? Consumer goods? Failing schools? Clogged freeways?

Thanks, but no thanks. This planet doesn't deserve my high-quality genes and isn't going to get them.

[northzax]

27. gee, sounds a little like

the kid who never gets picked for the team "well I didn't want to play kickball anyway!" <cue walking away petulantly>

:evilgrin:

[Zomby Woof]

28. um, no

Are you aware that MANY people are VOLUNTARILY child-free?

My GF hates kids even more than I do, which is just one of her thousands of virtues.

[northzax]

29. dude

a little sensitive about the whole thing are we? future MiL asking for little ones to spoil? recently undergo a sense of humor-ectomy?

did someone else take over the ZombyWoof name in the Du switchover?

[Zomby Woof]

30. fuck no

No one in my family, extended or immediate, makes such demands in any form.

[tnlefty]

18. Fortunately, the drive returns with a vengeance once the little tikes are

a little older! At least it did here, anyway! Yay!!!!!

[bleedingheart]

19. Okay have someone open a wider hole on your penis with a

scalpel and then shove a golf ball or similar object up and down the urethra... then have someone sew it back up with just some topical anesthetic ... then tell me how romantic you would feel....

How about some romance???... ... there is nothing worse than going through the trauma of childbirth and then having a horny husband watching his watch to see if the six week time period has elapsed... that six weeks is a healing time...
I bet some back rubs and comments on how lovely we look and making some romantic meals in the interim will help turn up the heat...my husband learned the second time around that was the key to making the transition much better.

[MountainLaurel]

25. OMFG

From bleedingheart:
How about some romance???... ... there is nothing worse than going through the trauma of childbirth and then having a horny husband watching his watch to see if the six week time period has elapsed... that six weeks is a healing time...

I don't approve of violence in most cases, but I would have to bash my partner with a blunt instrument if they tried that on me.

My father apparently did something like that after my brother was born (apparently a really nasty birth): Told my mom that she should just quit whining because, after all, women he saw in Vietnam would just give birth in the fields and then get back up and keep working.

[tjdee]

31. Let's RIP part of their penis off, and then see how much sex they want.

They're "unprepared"?? What do they expect?
Aren't they *there*, watching their wife/girlfriend getting STITCHED UP down there? They're getting stitched up because down there has RIPPED or has been CUT (episiotomy) in order to accomodate the baby. Hello? Stitches? Hurting?

Honestly, after the delivery, that first three weeks SUCKED. Being all stitched up, it's tough to movel your bowels after that for a while, breastfeeding, no sleep....

Ugh. Cry me a river for the men. They don't have to carry the baby or deliver it, if all they have to do is keep their sexual impulses in check for a while, can't they do that?

[primavera]

32. How long is "a while"?

I seriously doubt that many, if any, men would be unsympathetic to a partner healing from the trauma of labor. As I understood it, the question had more to do with the general decline of intimacy between parents which seems to last not just for the months immediately following labor, but for the 20+ years following it until the kids leave the house.