Alrighty. I really need some advice about my 14 yr-old son.

[Just Me]

I need some advice/experience not just about him, but about me, as a loving single momma. I need some insight about how to both assist and survive this,...thingy.

I impose only one rule: intregrity (meaning keeping his word).

He and I get embattled over just that one rule. While I remain calm, he is wiggin' out (slammin' doors, "shutting" me up with gestures/words, rationalizing, BAH).

Right now, I feel like I am battling my son over,...just one rule of responsibility,...and he is attacking like it is life or death.

GRRRR!!!!

[pagerbear]

1. That's his job--testing limits

Stand firm and don't back down. Even when he's a big jerk. (That's his other job.)

[Just Me]

4. I stand firm,...he apologizes,...

,...breaks his word again.

My mantra: "It's an endurance test!!!!"

But, sometimes,...I just want to either tear up the test or,...spit or something. Geez.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

16. He's a teenager.

He's going to lie, break his word, lie some more. It's in their nature. He's testing you. Stand firm, punish. Take something away that he loves. Never forget that you're the parent. Don't scream back. Don't take being disrespected, but at the same time, don't disrespect. I'm still young enough to remember how nuts it is when parents demand respect but don't give any. If he slams doors, take the door off the hinges. If he lies, take something away. Stand firm. Most importantly, tell him you love him often. I'll be sending good vibes and a few prayers for your strength.
Duckie

[Just Me]

21. *LOL* I never thought about taking the door off the hinges!!!

:bounce:

Although,...with his "privacy" thingy,...that may push him off the edge.

Nevertheless,...I can certainly "threaten" taking the door off!! That would be a valuable asset he would NOT want to lose!

:bounce:

[lolly]

25. I disagree

Unless you have good reason to suspect something dangerous is going on, don't take doors off of hinges. A 14 year-old boy deperately needs privacy, especially from his mom.

Think about it--wouldn't you think it was weird if a single father removed his teenaged daughter's door?

[Just Me]

29. Hmmm,...yes,...that's true.

I remember "being" a step-daughter subjected to violations of my privacy (not in that way). It was like,...being trapped/caged,...no space to breath.

I won't do that to my son.

He needs "space".

[MisterP]

33. maybe a rubbery packing, so it doesn't bang when he slams it,

just thumps dully

[Just Me]

34. Oh, that is so helpful.

Gotta make nature something sick.

*sigh*

[YellowRubberDuckie]

37. All I'm saying is if he's disrespecting the house...

Then he needs to learn a lesson. It's nothing to do with privacy. It has to do with learning respect.
Duckie

[northofdenali]

2. Pray for a 6-year forward time warp.

Seriously, though, it sounds like you've got it right. Teenage boys will push every limit you have, but they want you to have them. I promise (my teenage stepson is now 34 and an upstanding, happily married and terrific young man).

[StaggerLee]

7. Dead on

My ex-girlfriend has two teenage daughters and that's just how it is with them. TEST TEST TEST is what they do best but they do need and want those boundaries.

Good luck and try not to go crazy.
:)

[Just Me]

11. OK. I just need to keep my eye on that ball *smile*.

How come we don't have "reality TV" on surviving being a parent?

[soleft]

3. I have a 14 year old son

But I'm not sure what the issue is - he didn't do something he was supposed to do? Or did he not tell the truth about something? And is he upset because you're asking him to explain himself, or just because you're upset, or did you discipline him in some way?

[Just Me]

8. It's always very basic,...

,...he simply breaches an agreement about what time he will check-in or about making up school work or performing basic chores,...

Tonight, I agreed to allow him to attend a function with his buddies. We agreed I would pick him up at a time certain. I went to pick him up. He wasn't there. I knew where he was though *LOL*. And even his "buddies" were kind of grinning about the "caring momma" thingy.

[Momof1]

18. Did you go and find him?

In front of his buddies? OUCH His little male ego is embarrassed right now that his Mommy checked up on him.

I'm not sure about this, but isn't that as bad for boys, as having your father meet your date at the door with a baseball bat is for girls?

(I hope that made sense)

[Just Me]

23. I was not standing at the door,...to "intimidate",...

,...his "buddies" knew he was in breach. It was pretty obvious.

Did he feel shameful? I sure as hell hope so. His "buddies" were being more supportive of me than he was *LOL*.

[Momof1]

26. He wants his freedom, LOL

It's embarrasing to have your Mom check up on you. That is why he is doing everything right now. My advice just ignore it tonight and talk about it tomorrow. And you know the threat of withholding money always works for summer vacation.

You have every reason to worry. 14 yr olds, are so hormones/anger. My kid is 4 yrs old, and honestly I have no idea what I am going to do with her when she gets to be that age.

But if she anything like me (I call her mini-me) She's going to a convent. LOL

[Just Me]

32. He hurts me,...he hugs me,...

,...at least he, the "hormonal project",...felt compelled after a whole four hours of silence,...to walk into this room,...and,...

,...hug me, anyway!!! :hug:

That can't be all bad,...right?

Meanwhile, I said: "I love you, too. GO TO BED!!! It's late." *LOL*

:bounce:

I LOVE that life I had the honor to bring into this world. I hope I contribute to his life.

[proud patriot]

5. there's a saying that goes

Teenagers complain all the time that they aren't being
treated as grownups , when they are in fact being treated
like grownups .

[candy]

6. God,what memories are coming back----I raised 3 sons

No advice,you seem to be doing okay,hold on to your rules and remember,this too shall pass.

It can be tough,but it's part of his asserting his own independence.

[Just Me]

9. BUT,...he's so damned,...MEAN,...sometimes,...

,...and I guess,...that is my crisis,...it hurts,...it really hurts.

[jrthin]

10. Easier said than done, but...

try not to take it personal. It's hormones and he too is suffering, in a way.

[Just Me]

13. Your post actually brings another dimension to my struggle.

Because, I have HYPER-critical/controlling parents to whom I have asserted precisely your words: it's hormones and he's suffering/struggling, too.

[candy]

14. He's mean and rude and sullen and a real-----

pain in the ass know -it- all?

Sounds familiar! Believe me,this WILL end.

I also had 2 girls and adolescence in general is tough for parents.

He'll be your friend again someday,I guarantee it.

[Just Me]

17. A kicker,...I know he and I have a stronger relationship,...

,...than, most people I know.

BAH!!! Love hurts, too,...I guess.

Ewwwww,...he just,...*LOL* challenges me beyond my comfort zones,...and I, him.

GRRRRR!!!

Life is difficult,...and it ain't ever "free".

[candy]

20. Remember how eager we were to get them out of diapers?

LOL

[Just Me]

28. Awww,...I dunno,...I relished every moment,...

,...of every discovery that human being, that son of mine, experienced,...and I still do,...most of the time.

But, I must confess, and I have even confessed to that "growing into his own", Alex,...that, sometimes,...I really miss that little boy of wonder. That little boy whose whole world was me and I, him.

Now, he is making his own world. My struggle is,...allowing him to do that while hoping to be a teacher,...a model,...an inspiration for him,...to contribute to and shape a better world.

[lolly]

27. That is rough

Girls go through this stage around 12--7th grade--I remember both of mine saying horrible things, being really mean and rude.

If it's any consolation, they are much better now (at 17 and 15) Not perfect (like their mommy ;) ) but friendly and loving most of the time.

Does that help any? This too shall pass--really!

[jpgray]

12. Give in to these tactics, and he will just use them more

I was an asshole to my parents on more than a few occasions during junior high--undoubtedly the nastiest years of a parent-child relationship, in my view.

[Just Me]

15. I just haven't a clue about that.

Which is my problem.

I had incredibly strict parents (e.g. I had no worth beyond their definition). When I stated an opinion (even to this day),...I was expelled (literally).

So,...I have a rather,...opposite experience. Which is why I really need advice from a spectrum of experiences.

[soleft]

19. My son's Dad had really strict parents

So he tends to go to the extreme the other way, and be his buddy. While they enjoy each other immensely and really care about each other, there's no structure, or accountability or enforcement of disciplinary - so I often end up being bad cop, altho I also have the problem of relating so much from his point of view that it's hard for me to enforce accountability when chores aren't done, or school work lapses, school work is the hardest right now, he's really have a hard time focusing and getting work done.

The thing is when I rant and yell about stuff, like last night for instance, he had all weekend to do a bibliography for a paper that was today, and it was midnight and he was still working on it. I started yelling because...I didn't know what else to do at that point, and it takes a lot, I mean A LOT for me to get to that point, and he walks in and hugs me and tells me everything will be all right.

He never expresses his anger directly, he always acts out in other ways, so in away I almost envy you. I wish he would slam some doors sometimes.

[Just Me]

30. My "Mom" was always "compensating",...

,...always being burdened with a mediating role over circumstances she never invited or created. No wonder she is so defensive.

[Rowdyboy]

22. He'll be fine by the time he reaches 23

I was and, believe me, as a teenager, I was an ass.

[Just Me]

35. I often tell myself that, "his being an 'ass" is NOT a bad thing",...

,...BUT,...I still cling to notions of honor and integrity and compassion.

BAH!!! What can I say? I want this "man" to care about humanity as much as I do.

[JVS]

24. The description of your conflict is in rather abstract terms

Is your kid lying or is he unable to follow through with things he says he'll do?

[Just Me]

31. The rule is clear,...

,...integrity is fulfilling one's word to another. He both breached that rule,...and he "rationalized" it away,...not with "lies" but "excuses",...very much like our current leadership, huh.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

36. So there are really 2 battles...

The first is over his integrity, and the second is over his treatment of you when you call him on breaking his word.

I'd suggest that you take the time to talk about this with him sometime when he doesn't feel defensive, though those times are probably pretty rare at his age.

Explain to him that you respect his feelings and don't want him to feel like he's being attacked. Tell him how you feel when he says cruel things and makes dismissive gestures toward you. Ask him to help you find a better way to communicate with each other...a less hurtful way.

Maybe I'm over-simplifying; but in the midst of those awful raging hormones, he needs to know that you're still on his side...