Those of you in long-distance relationships

[achtung_circus]

Does it/can it work?
How far is long distance?
How do you make it work?
What makes it not work?

[belladonna]

1. I think it can

I don't think it works all that well for younger people, but for me? I'd rather have a long distance relationship at times, only because I like my space so much. Downside is that the sexual aspect of the relationships suffers, but if you're inventive and want to put some effort into it, it doesn't have to suffer THAT much.

It all comes down to what you want out of the relationship, I think. Both people definitely have to be on the same page emotionally for it to work out. I've been in a situation where it worked just fine for me, not so much for him and the relationship ended because he wanted someone to be with on a physical, more than an emotional level. :shrug:

Edited to add this disclaimer: I'm not in one now, but I have been

[Qanisqineq]

2. I'm in a long distance marriage

15 hours apart. Before we were married, it was a 4.5 hour long distance relationship. How to make it work? T-R-U-S-T. You absolutely have to trust the person so much more than if you were in the same town.

[villager]

3. may be starting one now...

the telephone has come in, er, handy... but she's halfway across the country... not sure how a relationship can sustain this way -- will likewise be perusin the replies for tips!

[Misunderestimator]

4. Yep... trust is the secret....

I'm not in a long-distance relationship, but one in which my partner travels during the week. It's about to fall apart because we've now lost the trust, that might not have been lost had the opportunity not been there (on her part) to destroy it. And I absolutely trusted her until now. Not to be a party-pooper, but in my experience, long-distance relationships have not worked, unless your ultimate goal is to live together.

[Lisa]

9. agreed ...

Trust is a biggie. Perhaps even more so than with regular relationships, because both parties have to be absolutely confident in each other -- not just for the romantic stuff, but with practically everything else. (In my case, I was "seeing" a guy 3 time zones and one international border away for almost 2 years, and it started to fall apart when one of us began thinking about a job transfer and didn't share this with the other person until the process was well under way.)

Even if you're not the kind of people who worry about "checking up" on each other, the logistical side of things can be extremely challenging! Especially if one (or both) people need to travel a lot or have gruelling work schedules.

A friend of mine, who successfully maintained a long-distance marriage for more than 3 years, claims that making a mutual agreement regarding regular contact (whether it's daily e-mail check-ins, phone calls ever other day, pre-set "getaway weekends", or family holidays) and "sticking to it like glue" is a real lifesaver. They also had a definite plan for ending up in the same place, so it wasn't open-ended.

It also helps if both parties have a similar threshold when it comes to crises. If one person is easy-come-easy-go and the other needs support immediately when something goes nonlinear, it can be really difficult. I didn't even suspect that my partner was unhappy about being unable to contact me when he was having a rough time at work and a quarrel with his sister -- I didn't clue in until it was too late that he really wanted me to be there physically, and not just on the phone. This probably could have been averted if I had picked up on the signals or if he'd asked directly, but both of us screwed up and ended up feeling guilty and rejected.

p.s. Good luck to anyone thinking of doing this ... I don't mean to sound like a wet blanket, since I do know couples who spend most of the time working in adjacent cities and only get together for the weekends and holidays, and it works for them. And you CAN learn some important things about yourself. I learned that I didn't want to be the type of person who gets jealous, because it hurt me and other people. (This actually lost me yet another boyfriend, who complained that if I really loved him I would be more possessive -- but that's another story.)

[Goldom]

5. Without getting into too much detail

Yes.

I have been with someone L-D for over 2 years. Met online. (Just happened, not on a dating site or anything). Been together in person several times since. Going cross-country (2000 mi.) to visit her in.. 3 days, infact.

I am just short of 18.

Which, I suppose is the hardest part, because it means not being able to really get to see each other on your own schedule.

It's hard, certainly, but if it's worth it to you, yes it can.

[terrya]

6. 5 years for Doug and I. He lives in Toronto and I live in Chicago.

It works. At least for us. We see each other once a month. The phone bills are huge. We email each day. It's a 516 mile distance.

We make it work because we love each other madly, passionately, fiercely. We want to grow old with each other.

It's love, sweet love that makes it work. And the fact that we WILL, WILL ultimately be together permanently. I can't speak for Doug, but I am NOT letting this wonderful, special man go. Doug has captured my heart...forever and ever and ever.

It's hard being apart from him, I can't deny that. But to know, to touch, to feel him...to feel love...like Doug's...is worth any hardship.

[arwalden]

7. Five Years? It's Time For SOMEONE To Relocate!

Mike and I lasted 8 months commuting every weekend between Norfolk and Baltimore... then we ENDED IT PERMANENTLY because we couldn't sand the commute any more.

Instead we moved in together in Maryland. It was easier for me to relocate and re-employ myself than it was for he. --- It was a big, but EASY decision... and one that neither of us regretted.

I guess if it's working' for you, then I really have no cause to encourage you guys to do otherwise... but some enduring hardships just because you can seems to be a bit masochistic to me.

I know, I know... I'm not there and not in a real position to advise. I'm just making an uneducated unenlightened observation from a different perspective. I'm probably wrong.

Still! If it's worked this long with such obstacles, then I'm guessing it would continue to work if you got rid of the obstacles. Just a guess, but it sounds logical.

-- Allen

[terrya]

8. We will be together, Allen.

I'm not letting Doug go. He's an important part of my life. He's met my family and loves them, as they do him. Doug's parents are both dead. He has 5 older brothers in Saskatchewan (where he's from), but he's pretty much estranged from them. His real family (his dear friends in Toronto) have met me and I hope they like me and approve of us.

I'm not letting him go, Allen. Period.

Yes, it's hard. And I'll be moving up there. When the time is right (and the financial situation is better. Doug said that I can't work for one year in Canada. I would have to have enough money to support myswlf for that long)

It's hard, Allen. Damn, it's hard. But if I can't have Doug in my life (even with a long distance), I don't want anyone else. After you've known perfection, it's impossible to settle for anyone else.

[JanMichael]

10. Oh shit, we did it for months AFTER we were married even

(From Stephanie: lemme tell ya, it SUCKED...but, I adore Michael, so whatever it took)

We were totally happy even being 650 miles apart! I could hang with Shakeydave, and STILL be married! Ahhhh...the good old days....

(From Stephanie...I HATED that Michael and Shakey were out all the damned time; I was beginning to think I married a gay man)

Yes, Long distance can definetly work, I had no problems whatsoever.

Michael

[ALago1]

11. I'm in a semi LDR

She lives about 100 miles away. I'm in central Jersey and she's in New York State.

We see each other every weekend, taking turns driving each week.

No problems from the commute have arisen yet, and we'll soon be approaching our one year anniversary soon.

I'm 22 btw...

[Goldom]

12. gahh ANOTHER mis-post! sorry!

[Goldom]

13. Thought of something else-

My parents did for a year as well. They got married during college, and my dad finished early, and went to grad school a year before my mom. So they were for one year. And that was before email and such. (They're late 50s now, not to confuse anyone with the fact that we're missing a generation in the middle).

[Berserker]

14. Well it all started 3 years ago

when I met a lady on the internet and we talked for a couple months She lived in FLA and I lived in Wisconsin. She was very well off and paid for the airfare, rental car and a few days at Disney world and all the golf I wanted. After meeting we were not physically attracted but still got along very well. She was a wonderful person. Then there was a lady from Kentucky That I seen a few times she flew here and I drove there and again after we were face to face for a time something was missing. And again she was a wonderful person. I am now seeing a lady from Alabama that has visited me several times and we talk several times a day on the phone and on the computer and I believe in my heart I have found the woman I want to be with. The beautiful thing about meeting people on the computer is you learn them from the inside out instead of just being attracted to them at first site. But I will say you also have to both be attracted physically upon meeting or it will fall apart.

[Lou_C]

16. Your right

If your not attracted to each other then you don't have a relationship and it's not worth traveling a distance over.

If the other party or you :puke: when you see each other then you should stay friends.

I am happy for you and I hope that everything works out.

You know that she cares about you and you care about her because you both talk on the phone to each other everyday even tho you don't live in the same town. That makes it very romantic and you should have a wonderful life together.

Peace be with you!

[Goldom]

18. Even more...

in the list of difficulties, I happen to be telephonophobic (serious, it's absurd I know), so I don't even use the phone that much... the internet is a crazy thing... you just need to realize you can't -ever- be sure of someone's intent when reading text alone, there's no tone of voice or anything.

[rucky]

15. Don't call her/him drunk

or on 'shrooms

eom

[HEyHEY]

17. ...HIc..I missyous you bugeyed.....fly..hic..whoa

[Lydia Leftcoast]

19. I was in one for a year during graduate school

when I got a temporary teaching job 250 miles away from New Haven.

We met in New York City on Friday night every two weeks (to use our previously purchased opera and ballet tickets), and spent Saturday and Sunday in New Haven, driving back to my job on Monday, since I had no classes that day.

The relationship seemed to be going well, but little known to me, he was under constant seduction attempts from the women in his mostly female department, and eventually some of them worked. The day I moved back to New Haven, I stopped off at his house to pick him up so he could help me unload the truck, and his housemates told me that he had gone to New York with one of the women in his department in celebration of her birthday. His housemates, one of whom I had never met before, helped me move in to my apartment.

He dumped me before the month was over.

My other experience with a long-distance relationship is more recent. There was a mutual attraction between me and a man who is in a long-distance marriage. Nothing happened between us--since my grad school experience, I'm real scrupulous about not wanting to hurt others the way I was hurt-- and it was with mixed feelings of regret and relief that I saw him go to join his wife.