I'm so stressed out... I don't know what to do.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

I love my husband. I'm just so frustrated and stressed at this moment that I can't even look at him right now. The thing is that he lost his job two years ago (outsourced), and hasn't worked since. He's been sending out resumes but hasn't gotten so much as an interview. At the same time, I've been in school, pursuing an advanced degree so I can go on to the career I've always wanted. I stayed in because my school's getting paid for by an assistantship, so it just seemed like a better idea to stick with that deal than to drop out and go back to what I was doing before (for not much more than I'm being paid now).

So, as you can probably tell, money's tight. After the bills are paid, there's not much (if any) leftover. Between my classes, my work, and my field experience, I was working upwards of 16 hour days through the end of last month. I'm working full time at a summer job now, trying to recover some of the ground we've lost financially. Meanwhile, my hubby's sitting at home, sleeping in till late afternoon, and hardly ever looks for jobs anymore. The last 15 or so jobs he's applied for are ones that I found for him, since he's resigned himself to "no one's going to hire me." I know the frustration of unemployment all too well myself, and the hit your ego takes every time you send out a resume and either get a rejection letter or no answer at all, but what makes me angry is that he won't find something in the interim just to help pay the bills. I know that it would be a complete waste of his skills, but the pressure of supporting us on what I'm making is getting to me.

I guess I'm most angry that he's become so passive about it. He won't follow up on the resumes he's sent out, he won't apply unless I find the jobs for him, and he won't even look on his own anymore. He seems completely defeated, and I know he feels like I'm nagging him about finding work. I'm feeling very helpless, and I'm starting to feel resentful that I'm the only one making any effort to support us. :cry: Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do, or would like to share how you handled a similar situation in the past? Any ideas on how I can change the situation would be greatly appreciated.

[Leprechan29]

1. Just keep at it

It may be hard, but eventually that letter will come (or phone call) asking for an interview. Just work for that first interview and with a bit of luck things will fall into place

[gWbush is Mabus]

2. tell him to get a temp job and keep sending out resumes in the meantime

that should motivate him to keep looking

[afraid_of_the_dark]

6. I've tried convincing him to do a temp job...

But he feels like he's "above" that. Granted, it would be a waste of his skills, but I feel like the priority of having a place to live supersedes the ego thing.

[gWbush is Mabus]

7. i'm sure he is above that but

it will get him moving
earning money
meeting people (connections)
help his ego
motivate him to get a better job
wake him up in the morning
relieve some of your stress

[commander bunnypants]

3. good luck

DDQM

[ewagner]

4. I've been in your husband's shoes

and I'm now just trying to get my own insurance agency started (without spending any money!)

I can tell you that you need to have him break his pattern. Have him set up a routine that will give him another sense of purpose. I had to do this myself when I caught myself slipping into a non-productive routine.......

Ask him if he knows what he really wants to do in his life. If he doesn't know ask him to think about it and once he knows, let him, support him, in pursuing it.

Good luck. I feel for you.....and I think I know how he feels too.

[Robbien]

14. Yes, setting up a routine is essential

And if finding even a retail job is overwhelming for him, then he should do some kind of volunteer work such as at an animal shelter or meals on wheels, or something. He needs to get out of the house and regain a sense of worth.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

20. He's expressed some interest in volunteering for the Kerry campaign...

I'm trying to figure out how to get him involved in that. Even if it's unpaid, it's for a good cause. :evilgrin:

[Robbien]

28. Use the meet-up site and find a Kerry meet-up in your area

that he could join. And call your Democratic Party office to find the campaign headquarters nearest your house where he can go and sign up.

There may even be a local democratic candidate who is running and who would be overjoyed to get some unpaid labor.

Getting out of the house with some kind of routine is essential in staving off this depression.

[0007]

33. I've known some folks that have made some good contacts

through "meals on wheels" that resulted in a good job. Volunteer work can open a few doors

[RedEarth]

27. I agree...a routine is important....and vigorous exercise should be

part of the routine. Exercise has been shown to help with self-esteem and moods(depression, etc.) and is a necessity at this time. Any type of work, even part time, combined with exercise and also looking for full time work.

One book that could be helpful(it was to me) is "What Color is Your Parachute". It gives you tips on how to switch careers(not just change jobs) and all public libraries have it.

One last point.......80% of new positions are found through networking....sending out resumes can be part of a job search, however, networking is the most effective way to secure a new position. Part-time/full-time job, volunteer work, exercising at a gym all will put your husband in contact with other people who in turn might be able to help with a new position.

[ewagner]

43. Excellent advice!

I should have also mentioned What Color is Your Parachute?

I pull it out every once in a while to remind me of what I'm doing.

[DS1]

5. Find a retail job, working retail will bring in some money

clearly it won't cut into his time spent looking for work, and the tedium of working retail with "you gotta take your (unpaid) half whether you like it or not before 6 so Sarah can take her 15 before you vacuum the store" stuff should put some fire back under his ass.

[SOteric]

17. Alternatively a newspaper route

will provide the same options, depending upon the size of the route and the paper's distribution that can actually pay as much as a retail job, but the hours are better for continuing a job search and providing child care. But I think hubby needs to take the route.

It's possible he's slipped into a clinical depression, but sans a bigger income, that's going to remain untreated.

[demnan]

8. It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from depression

You need to seriously talk to him about his mindset. Assuming he was a normal person before all this happened I imagine that he's got the inertia that goes with being depressed. If that's the case he needs help now.

Once you've dealt with the problem of why he won't look for work, you can deal with the fact that he doesn't have work.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

11. It's been a huge change... that's why I'm so worried.

But we don't have insurance, so I don't know how we'd afford a doctor.

[CO Liberal]

34. Contact Your County Health Department

You may qualify for low-cost or no-cost care.

[greatauntoftriplets]

31. That was my thought, too.

Sounds like a classic case of clinical depression. He needs to see his doctor and be started on medication.

[Nikia]

9. Unfortunately, I have a similiar situation

I think that it is a type of depression. I think that men are especially vunerable because of the messages that they grew up with. They get sad that they can't find a job. They feel like they are letting their wife (and family if applicable down) by not supporting her (or them) because they are suppose to be the providers. This makes them less motivated as they feel more worthless. Of course taking a low paying job would mean that they are resigned to giving up their career forever and having low paying jobs for the rest of their lives (at least in their mind). They feel even worse thinking about all this and about how their wives are working and they are not. They take the words "Why don't you apply for these jobs?" as "You are worthless to me, you lazy bumb." and just get more upset.
I don't know the answer. My husband is having this problem now as is my best friend. My husband is trying to start his own business instead right now but it isn't going as well as planned and we are running out of money fast. My best friend hasn't been out of work as long and is still getting unemployment but they were on a pretty tight budget before he lost his job and his wife gives him a hard time since they could lost their house which means a lot to them. I know that they are both depressed. I do have insurance for my husband but he refuses to see a professional about that.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

15. I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament...

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers for this sort of thing. I wish the both of you the best of luck in his business endeavor... starting a new business isn't easy. I'm sending positive feelings your way. :hug:

[eyesroll]

10. Is it possible he's depressed?

I know that being out of work for a long period of time and getting rejection after rejection can bring on depression in suceptible people (the "no one's going to hire me" is a clue).

Do you have an EAP or a counseling center at your school (or insurance that covers mental health) that might be able to talk to?

[afraid_of_the_dark]

12. I'll see what I can find...

I'm sure that with our low income, we'd qualify for some sort of assistance.

[DoBotherMe]

18. It sounds like depression

of the clinical type.

There is no single cause of major depression. Psychological, biological, and environmental factors may all contribute to its development. Whatever the specific causes of depression, scientific research has firmly established that major depression is a biological brain disorder.

Norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine are three neurotransmitters (chemical messengers that transmit electrical signals between brain cells) thought to be involved with major depression. Scientists believe that if there is a chemical imbalance in these neurotransmitters, then clinical states of depression result. Antidepressant medications work by increasing the availability of neurotransmitters or by changing the sensitivity of the receptors for these chemical messengers.

http://www.nami.org

[Hammie]

13. He should get a job!

Any job! Some one that's been sitting on their ass for two years looks pretty unattractive as a hire. Someone who has been working, even if it is at something they are overqualified for, shows initiative and is going to be alot more attractive to a potential employer.

Also, if his job is outsourced, what is the probability of a similar job becoming available? You didn't say what he does, but he might need to face the fact of a career change.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

19. There are jobs out there... just not many.

And he's not doing anything to make him stand out from the hundreds of others with similar skills applying for these jobs. His resume reads like assembly instructions, his cover letter is very generic, and he doesn't follow up on the ones he sends out. When jobs are scarce, it seems to me that you might need to do a little extra to get noticed.

And I agree... the longer he sits on his ass, the lower his chances of getting a job go. I know I've got an excellent chance of getting hired once I finish school, but I don't want to be the sole breadwinner. Besides, that's at least another year in the future.

[molly]

16. I've been in your husband's shoes

he sleeps because he is depressed and has lost his self-esteem. I took a job in a large furniture organzation last fall. I was excited because I thought that it would be wonderful and I love working with people. Well, they would schedule us whenever they wanted - change the schedule without our knowledge and work us 50 hours per week - commission against draw. I started to get sick around Thanksgiving - it was a "cold" that just would not go away. Finally, my last nite, I sold 9,500 worth of furniture and barely made it to my car. I had been sleeping sitting up for a couple of weeks - this was 2 and half months ago. I had asthmatic bronchitis and it took almost a month and a half to get rid of it. To make a long story short, I ended up going to 3 cardiologists. I had a stress echo which showed damage to my heart. I had a heart catherzation about 4 weeks ago and miracle of all - I am fine.

I am my own worst enemy because I feel guilty not working. I'm trying to decide what to do. It seems I'm allergic to whatever was in the furniture, so can't do that. In my situation, my husband provides well - I've just always been proud of my accomplishments. I was a mainframe developer, analyst, and project manager for over 20 years. In all reality, I don't think that will be coming back.

I would be a receptionist, but my husband said that once they see my resume, I would be "over qualified".

I would suggest that you sit down with your husband - don't be confrontational. Make it positive and supportive and ask him to tell you how he is feeling. I can relate - I have not had a tech interview in over 2 years now.

[Beaverhausen]

21. I temped for 3 years before finally getting this job

which I just started last week.

There are many great temp agencies out there that offer jobs that are real jobs, not just crappy ones, and the pay is pretty good. And it's a great way to see what different companies are like and to try out different fields. Lots of temp jobs will become permanent.

Try http://www.aquent.com

I think your husband is probably suffering from massive inertia. It's hard to get going once you stop. It's also hard on the ego. Your nagging is certainly not helping although I understand how you feel. People nagged me too. When I started feeling really good about myself I really worked to find a permanent job and here I am!

[afraid_of_the_dark]

23. I'm doing my best not to nag.

I tried to be positive and let him do this in his own time, but after nearly two years of that, my patience is completely gone. I just feel like I've become a crutch, and in my effort to not enable him to continue his dependency, I've become a nag. I hate what I've become, and I don't know how to stop it.

[supernova]

22. This thread makes me cry..

:cry:

I've been out of work since Sept 2002. Yes, I'm, or was, in IT. Yes, if I don't find something soon, it'll be two years for me too. :cry:

During this time, I've had interviews, but the market is so skimpy employers can afford to wait until just the right candidate comes along with exactly the skills set they need.

I sort of know how he feels. I try to get out and exercise everyday. And fix healthy meals. I don't watch television during the day. I keep appointments with myself to go out, to the library to research jobs, to do volunteer work that comes up.

It's very tough keeping a healthy outlook, during this. I've contemplated whether anti-depressants would help.

He's got one thing going for him and that's you. I'd give anything to talk to someone supportive everyday. I don't have that. I'm doing this on my own. And I'm not always successful at talking my way out of feeling badly about it all.

Anyway, I hope you can work something out. I do commiserate. :hug:

[afraid_of_the_dark]

25. It's really rough out there right now.

I really commend all of the work you've done to try and keep yourself positive, in the face of all that. It's a difficult road to go, and I'm sorry that you feel like you don't have anyone supportive to talk to. I'm sending positive feelings your way... :hug:

[loftycity]

32. Sending good thoughts your way.

This has been the hardest 3 years I have ever had.
It's creepy out there. I feel for you. On my own also and it has been very hard.

[supernova]

40. Thanks to both of you

loftycity and afraid_of_the_dark.

We'll muddle through somehow.

[loftycity]

41. All us girls and boys will get through this....ahhhh!

And the thing is... Tomorrow everything could all change and be the greatest day of our lives. We always have to think that way!

[Robbien]

36. You may want to try a vitamin regimen

to help stave off that dirty ole depression if you are reluctant to go the depressant route.

In addition to a regular multi-vitamin, the B's work very well in keeping the body and mind going in times of stress. I find taking a 100mg b-complex tablet three times daily helps.

[Just Me]

37. Me, too.

Different profession, but same experience.

I've managed some contract work here and there.

Took a temporary tax preparation job (@ a whopping $6.50/hr - gawd).

Have sent out well over a thousand resumes for a whole range of positions, had 5 interviews, no good news.

I hold a JD and some masters work in psych.

It is really, really tough to overcome the mixture of disappointment and rejection, forced dependency and sense of powerlessness associated with long-term employment struggles (along with the financial issues that go along with it).

He may need some medication for the chemical instability.

He probably needs positive reinforcement and support.

He definitely should get involved with something that makes him feel good about himself and about what he is doing (i.e. getting involved in the Kerry campaign).

DU has become my therapy *LOL*. It allows me to keep exercising that muscle between my ears and share some basic human elements (like compassion) with others.

<on edit - I have thought about whether there is a way (as an uninsured) I could get on Prozac if I need it>

[supernova]

39. Wow! You're way more qualified than me

with a JD. Have you thought about hanging out your shingle?

I've got a BA plus some masters work. But if I don't' find work, I can't get actual masters'.

DU has become my therapy *LOL*. It allows me to keep exercising that muscle between my ears and share some basic human elements (like compassion) with others.

Same here, though I do go out and I do volunteer work both at church and with the Dem Party here. So that's something, I guess. The face to face contact is good.

I just feel so empty right now.

<on edit - I have thought about whether there is a way (as an uninsured) I could get on Prozac if I need it>

I was wondering if some of that stuff doesn't have generic equivalents now?

Also, some drug companies have hardship programs. You can get meds at a very reduced rate if you can prove economic hardship. SHhhh! They don't like to advertise it. And you have to go through a Doc to get it. I learned this working for an oncologist.

[Just Me]

42. Oh, I've thought about all kinds of alternatives *LOL*,...

,...but, practicing law is not one of them. I did that for nearly eight years and found it harmful to my health (literally)!!! So, I moved into child advocacy and then public policy for awhile and set up shop doing legal contracting work for attorneys (doing the "thinking" stuff for them). When the economy starting bombing, so did my sole proprietorship.

*sigh*

I understand the emptiness although I imagine it arises from different issues with different people. For me, it's mostly about feeling unfulfilled because being productive has always been important to me. So, I find ways of being productive. I have many friends and know of many other people who are in the same boat,...so, I don't have a "lonely" kind of emptiness.

With respect to the uninsured issue, I've looked around and have found nothing that I can do about it,...at least, not yet. Different states have different services. Moreover, although I have despairing moments,...they have not yet turned into days and weeks.

I'm just glad there are places like DU where people can share stuff like this and not get slammed with cruelty or insensitive comments. Life's tough enough without having to be kicked when your down.

Hang in there,...that's all we can do.

[latebloomer]

24. You mentioned the Kerry campaign

I think the DNC (or possibly Kerry?) is hiring temps-- I saw an ad in last Sunday's NY Times-- PM me if you're interested and I'll go rustle it up-- I don't know where you're located but it might be for various areas. Someone here in the Lounge recently mentioned he'd obtained such a job-- sorry, can't remember who.

Other than that, you have my total empathy-- my huz quit his job after Sept 11 to "find himself"-- almost 3 years later he has finally decided he's ready to find a job. I've been holding it together financially while he's been a housedad, but our finances just can't take it anymore. Depression played a large part in his situation-- thankfully we've been able to (barely) afford health insurance and therapy for him and us as a couple has worked wonders.

[afraid_of_the_dark]

26. I'll check into that.

And for you... it takes a strong person to take on the financial and emotional burden when you have a spouse who's out of work. You've given me some hope - thanks. :)

[Susang]

29. Your husband is most likely clinically depressed

I've been through your situation a couple of times and the depression is crippling. He most likely feels so horrible about himself and his situation that there's no motivation left. He should probably get some outside help. You're too close and he probably needs professional help; whether in the form of a psychologist, psychiatrist, life coach, career coach, priest, rabbi, guru, whatever.

BTW, you could probably use someone removed from the situation to safely vent to as well. Otherwise, you end up becoming the "mommy" instead of the partner. I've been there and it really wreaks havoc with your self image.

Take care of yourself and good luck! :-)

[Sticky]

30. I don't have any advice, but...

I really admire you, afraid_of_the_dark . You are a great person for being so understanding and tolerant. He's a lucky guy!

Good luck!

[loftycity]

35. He needs to do just one thing and build from there

The Kerry campaign would be really good. And then on to the next step. He is really sad and his self esteem is shot to hell..who wouldn't be sad..and he want's to just hide away. One step at a time. Kerry work and onward.

Going to a doctor for depression is ahhhhh..last thing he needs is a doc telling him he's depressed..and he could get worse. IMHO
And it's a luxury you cannot afford right now.

[ohiosmith]

38. Firstly, this is a temporary situation that can become a permanent one if

not properly managed. A change in his present routine is essential. Finding employment is a full-time job and must be treated as so. He has to have a list of objectives that he is responsible for achieving daily, weekly and monthly. Included should be a specific number of ads he responds to, unsolicited letters to companies for which he would like to work, calls to recruiters and follow-up contacts.

He can not achieve these goals by sleeping in. He gets up early and gets ready to go to work (finding a job). He should follow the routine he did before he was downsized.

One of his first tasks should be to create a "networking" list. It should include the names of everyone he can think of personally and professionally. He should then craft a "positioning statement" that describes his experience and background and current situation. Keep it simple. "As you may know, my position with XYZ was eliminated several months ago due to a corporate reorganization. I am now seeking opportunities in the__________sector where I can apply my skills and experience as a ___________professional. I would greatly appreciate any advise or guidance you could provide." Send a note containing this statement to everyone on the list. Then call to follow-up.

Ads are not where the jobs are. They represent only 15%-20% of all open positions. The best way to find a job is to target organizations, identify the hiring managers, and send them a letter detailing the value one would add to the firm. Then follow-up with a phone call requesting a meeting.

When responding to ads it is key to modify the cover letter and resume to meet the position requirements.

Discuss with your husband selecting a day/date on which he will commence his new job (finding a job). Complete a to do list. Agree on the number of hours and the tasks he will complete weekly, and meet every couple of days to review his progress. He must understand that he is responsible for his own job search and accountable for the results. Celebrate successes: meeting his goals, getting an interview, etc.

As he progresses he will begin to develop new confidence and increase his activity as his efforts show results.

This will not be easy. But it does work. I would be happy to review his resume or assist in any way I can.

Good luck

[AngryAmish]

44. To everyone saying her husband is suffering from "Clinical Depression"

Do you realizing you are trying to diagnose a major psychiatric disorder on the basis of a second-hand post on an internet site?

Depression is extremely serious and deadly. If you say things such as "He may be depressed. Ask him to see a psychiatrist" that is ok and helpful. However, dramatic assertions about someone's mental illness -who you do not know- is less than helpful because lay diagnosis mean nothing.

To afraid: You are in a tight spot. My advice to him would be to try to volunteer in his field for a non-profit. This is easier to do a large urban area. It would help him to network in his field.
As for you, when I feel stressed I drink. This does not help everyone, but does wonders for me. Take my advice with a huge grain of salt, just like everybody else.