Name a suitable punishment for stealing my Sunday paper

[Zomby Woof]

This morning for about the fourth time this year some brainless, lazy, shithole, fuckwitted scab-turd stole an integral part of my Sunday morning ritual, my newspaper. :grr:

The delivery guy was great, and brought me a new one. He stocks extras on Sundays just for that reason.

If I could catch the sonofacrumbsucker who stole my paper just ONCE, name your preferred method of revenge that I should try.

[punpirate]

1. Given the general state of the media today...

... and perhaps depending upon your local paper, perhaps the perpetrator should be forced to read the whole thing, rather than just the sports section....

[Zomby Woof]

4. this isn't so bad for a local paper

They ran anti-Reagan cartoon yesterday, suggesting that if he gets on the $10 bill, it should be printed in red ink.

Then they printed an op-ed from a GWU professor who defended Alexander Hamilton and said it was much too hasty to put Reagan on any currency.

Thet have a good balance of letters too, with the wingnuts getting representation from the same 3 or 4 losers every week. Love watching them get shot down the next day or two.

[DS1]

2. Mine would be holding a grenade pin in place

If those nasty DemonRATS weren't always taking away my FREEDOM!

[Don_G]

3. A 72 Hour Reaganthon

Coffee and beer provided with no bathroom privileges.

[physioex]

5. Mmmm...Ask Lynndie England...I am not very creative...EOM

[Zomby Woof]

6. too mundane

Strictly amateur.

[Doctor Smith]

7. I found a paper on my driveway this morning

that I don't subscribe to. Maybe it's yours.

[AlCzervik]

8. vicious rhetoric!

i hope you catch them in the act.

[Zomby Woof]

9. I'm good at that

Get plenty of practice right here on DU. ;-)

[StaggerLee]

10. A little gasoline and a pair of good running shoes

[Cuban_Liberal]

11. Roll it up and whack his butt with it!

:P

[jus_the_facts]

12. Get up reeeeal early and get a paper....THEN....when yours comes...

....stuff it with the excrement from your cat box...so when the thief gets it....IT'S FULL OF POOP! :evilgrin:

[Zomby Woof]

13. HAHAHAHA!!!!!

I want Katy to have a chance to read it, so maybe I better buy a dupe... it would be worth it! :D :D :D

[jus_the_facts]

20. Yeah.... some cat poop for a real SHITHEAD.......

.....juuuust...ask me anything! ;-) :D

:hi:

[Zomby Woof]

21. Kiko's poop is LETHAL

It violates toxic waste codes.

[jus_the_facts]

26. LMAO....eeew...poop poop pee spew.....

....I hear ya...my Angel's isn't very heavenly either! :o

[Zomby Woof]

14. YOU WIN!!!

Okay, had to add that this is the best suggestion yet!!! No one can beat it! :D

[StaggerLee]

18. Agreed!

:D

[jus_the_facts]

22. Thank you....thank you very much...*bows*...

.....I guess I can be a devious bitch when I wanna be! :7

[wtmusic]

15. Stake him to an anthill with honeyed testicles

a la Slaughterhouse Five

[Zomby Woof]

16. if you're ever in Cody, Wyoming

Look me up.

[name not needed]

17. its nothing a rusty chainsaw cant fix

:)

[MikeG]

19. Whatever the local laws provide for tresspass and petty larceny.

Report him or her to the police.

[Solly Mack]

23. decoupage them using the stolen paper

"Decoupage can be as expensive or inexpensive a hobby as you wish. Certainly the tools required are -few—scissors, X-Acto knives, razor blades, pencils, paste, glue, varnish, turpentine, lacquer, thinner, oil paints, brushes, sandpaper, and a sheet of glass are about all that are -required, together with the decoupage materials themselves. Either way, no hobby will bring as many hours of pleasure or more compliments on your finished work as this old-time art."

http://www.craftown.com/instruction/decoupage.htm

How to Decoupage an Egg:
http://www.durwinrice.com/pages/eggprocess.htm

[buddhamama]

24. pull out their eyeslashes one by one with tweezers

not only will hurt reaaalll bad, they'll look odd and be reminded daily of their crime.

[Zomby Woof]

27. ouch!

I thought you were sweeter and kinder than me! :o ;-)

[buddhamama]

30. "the punishment should fit the crime" principal is sooo outdated

get medieval on his or her ass.

[JohnLocke]

35. ROTFL

"Get medieval on his ass." :D

[Cuban_Liberal]

25. This is a much bigger problem than people realize

Paddy winds up replacing about 20 papers a day. :grr:

[jrthin]

28. I know exactly how you feel, as I have

had the same experience. I woke up at 5am to catch the sob, and still the sob denied it. So my preferred method of revenge is a mouse trap to snap that sucker's finger off.

[Magrittes Pipe]

29. Death...

...by unga-bunga!

[SOteric]

31. Bait a trap.

Rise abnormally early and coat the front and back section pages of your newspaper with cayenne or white pepper.

Then place it back in it's orginal position on the stoop. At some point in the early morning shrieking and shouting and jumping up and down will come from the vicinity of the bathroom in the home of one of your neighbours. This will be the culprit. You will smile and know they've been punished.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

32. Tie him to a timebomb

with enough arm movement to type characters on a keyboard. Give him the Sunday paper and tell him the password to disarm the bomb is the 3rd word of the 8th line of the 1st column of page 4 of the sports section. Of course, page 4 of the sports sections is missing.

Whether the bomb is a dud, or real, I leave to your discretion.

[greatauntoftriplets]

33. My problem is that the damn paper....

...arrives one hour after I get up!

[brokensymmetry]

34. Well...if you really want to get cruel...

go out and buy about 10 grams of silver nitrate powder. I'd suggest USP grade, since that's cheaper than reagent grade.

Get a fake paper and put it out early - say, around 3 AM. Then dust the paper with a little silver nitrate powder.

The silver nitrate powder will adhere to the skin. Exposure to light causes it to turn black. No, it can't be washed off - it must wear off. Some users experience a slight burning sensation.

Yes, I've done it. The statute of limitations has expired. :evilgrin:

[Bunny]

36. Force him/her to read the Parade Magazine, out loud,

word for word, with no coffee ahead of time. That's cruel and unusual!

[Zomby Woof]

38. that's generally true

But today's issue had 2 redeeming features... one on the current state of unmanned space exploration (of which I am a big supporter - Parade has always championed this, and used to have the late Carl Sagan as their science editor), and an interview with Keira Knightley.

Otherwise, a waste of paper, I would agree.

[stavka]

37. Having to read it. (nt)

[Spider Jerusalem]

39. The rack. And thumbscrews.

Or maybe drawing and quartering.

[texas1928]

40. Hang them by their toes

and drop red ants down their nose.

[kodi]

41. since its not the first offense, i would support crucifixion

and george bush would too.