Teen sleepovers...advice please

[cally]

The policy at my house is that boys/girls (men/women?) do not have slumber parties together. When we have parties, the males must go home while the females stay overnight. The problem is that a few of the teens are bi and a few are gay and lesbian. Most of these teens who have been around for years and have just come out. It's absurd to change policies now and it would be too hurtful to teens struggling with this but I'm being challenged by my own children to defend my position. I still think my policy is correct but I don't have a good justification for it anymore. Opinions??

[wyldwolf]

1. hmmm.. let's see... If a was still a teen...

...would I say I was gay to sleep over with some hotties at a slumber party? :evilgrin:

[2Design]

2. at least if they are all one sex....no babies....:):):) eom

[freetobegay]

3. Unless of course you have a turkey baster!

[Red State Rebel]

5. Oh geez! Make me spit on my screen! n/m

[jono]

4. I think your kids are right to challenge the policy.

Is there any reason you couldn't change it to "no sex in the house for teenagers"? It would be a policy change, but I doubt the questioning ones would find such a policy hurtful.

(on edit: do you trust your kids that much? ;-))

[cally]

8. LOL

Are you a parent? When they were ten I said do not throw the M&Ms and came down and found M&Ms all over. I can say anything I want, but the idea is to enforce it and make it easier for your own kids to follow the rules withour undue peer pressure.

[jono]

18. OK.

Good point. (I'm obviously not a parent, lol.)

I guess I'm of the opinion that there is no "fair" solution to such a problem.

[2Design]

16. raging hormones....are always looking for the open doorr....

take away the rules...and raging hormones win....

[jono]

20. It doesn't matter what the rules are.

Raging hormones win regardless.

[m-jean03]

6. If you really don't want hanky panky and want to be fair. . .

Maybe keep sending the boys home, on principle, and make a "no hanky panky" rule for the girls? :shrug:

[madaboutharry]

7. I don't know why I am responding to this, but

I am with you. It is reasonable. If your childrens' rational was applied on a larger scale, then as a society we may as well do away with separate bathrooms and dressing rooms. Ask them if they would be comfortable with that. Personally, I would rather pee or get undressed in front of a gay person of the same sex than a person of the opposite sex. That's how I look at it.

[cally]

I agree, this is not all about sex

It's about gender differences. :shrug:

Umm..why wouldn't you respond to me??

[madaboutharry]

14. No, it isn't you Cally, it is

that threads like these sometimes get a little fired up and I am a bit tired right now. You seem like a great mom.

[AlCzervik]

9. Stick with your original rule

regardless if gay or bi. Thats how you want it so thats how it's going to be. No one ever died from lack of sleepover, remember if you give in this time, next time it will be something bigger and then they can say..."Well Last time you changed your mind." and then you're done.

[HornBuckler]

10. How Old Are We Talking?

And Why Do You Know They Are Bi And Gay? How The Hell Do They Know They Are Bi And Gay? Interesting Question Regardless - Need More Input Stephanie.

[cally]

13. I have a 14 and 17 year old

The 17 year old friends have come out recently. Most know their sexual preference fairly young.

[The empressof all]

11. I try to discourage them all together.

My daughter has had them and I have generally found her to be in poor temper the next day due to lack of sleep. She actually complains about them now as well-and has not asked to have anyone sleep over now for a few months. I encourage her to have her friends come over early in the day with the hope being that they get sick of each other after 6 or 7 hours. I do not think you will be able to avoid the sex thing without appearing hypocritical or homophobic. She will want to go to sleep overs at her friends in the future, she will go to camp or an over night school function at some time or another. My solution of avoiding them altogether, although perhaps a cop out, is working well for me right now. I know that this too will change though.

[The empressof all]

12. dupe-sorry

hate when that happens

[Lefty48197]

15. The lesbians won't make you pregnant honey.

.

[Deja Q]

17. Whip out the Ronco Gaydar and let the homo boys stay and homo chicks leave

Along with the hetero guys.

Or get a big box of stale onions, putrified limburger cheese, and buy a couple of skunks to let loose where they're all sleeping. That way they won't need the condoms and Barry Manilow...

I honestly don't know what to say. But I now understand more why repukes hate glbt folk. It makes life more complicated. :-(

[DoveTurnedHawk]

19. Stick With the Rule!

Emphasize propriety (both real and perceived, both for the kids and their parents), being sensitive to the feelings of those with diverse backgrounds and opinions (some of whom may not be comfortable with boys around), and the notion of fostering gender solidarity and empowerment.

Regarding the bi/lesbian girls, certainly don't exclude them, but make sure your own kids know that any kind of sexual activity in the house is, of course, forbidden, and charge them with keeping an eye on anything like that (and maybe strike the point home that the family could potentially be liable if something like that were to happen).

DTH

[cally]

22. The liability argument may work with my teen

Thanks.

I've avoided addressing the issue of the sleepovers because some are struggling with coming out. I've mostly been supportive of her friends. I have to address these other issues, though.

[Exultant Democracy]

21. In my mind this really comes down to a question of

where do you want your kids having sex. The fact is that if a teen is gong to have sex they will find a place to do it, wouldn't you rather them be able to have sex in their own bed then in the back seat of a car or a dirty hotel?

[cally]

26. I think too many teens are 'encouraged' to

have sex before they are ready by circumstance. I think it's a parents job to ensure that it is easy to say no and not to set up a too permissive environment where we expect to much out of children. I remember that as a teen I left many situations that I felt uncomfortable with using the excuse of my curfew, stict parents, or that I would get in trouble. All were somewhat true, but my parents were very forgiving and would just have lectured me. It gave me an excuse to say no.

[Carni]

23. I would let them all stay

But I would have them sleep in the living room and then I would plop myself right in their space and lecture about the bush administration--chances are then no one would want to stay.

[cally]

24. LOL

I already have a reputation that none of their friends want to mention * in my presence.

[Carni]

27. Hey you are just doing your job! LOL

I have a similar reputation..they see me and run lol :)

[Carni]

25. OK now a serious response

When I was 17 I can recall hosting and sleeping over at many *unisex* type parties.

This was back in like 1981 BTW and of course there weren't any parents present because these parties always took place at homes where the parents were out of town (including mine)

I can honestly say that I never engaged in any hanky panky at these parties.

If the kids are going to have sex, they'll find a time and a place and you're not going to control it.

JMO but usually people that age at those types of gatherings are typically just hanging out and in all likelihood they have the hots for someone who isn't AT the party (so it's a group commiseration "I am so miserable over so and so" type of a deal!)

But then again things may have changed radically since I was a teen!

[Guy Fawkes]

28. Things haven't changed *that* much....

Many of my friends attend unisex sleepovers... I don't think anything... bad ever happens. And saying "Kids will find a place to do it" is more true than you could ever know. (sadly)

[cally]

29. Good point

I don't know. Many of them are long time friends. Still, sending half the party home at midnight or one gets them all to bed a little earlier. :evilgrin:

[dmr]

30. This is a tough one

I always try to be fair and open-minded. But sometimes that is not enough when it comes to parenting decisions.

When it comes to other people's children, it puts you into entire different ballgame. You mentioned peer pressure, that is a strong consideration. One of the kids may say they don't mind the mix, but you'd never really know if they would be uncomfortable or not.

Another consideration would be how the parents of the other children feel about this, and what their reaction would be. Unless of course you run it by each parent before the sleep-over.

I have a 15 year old son who has his buddies over for the full week-end often (they eat me out of house and home!) I don't think I would go the mix gender route because there is enough pressure in their lives as it is, so I wouldn't want to compound that. Once he's off to college, then I guess it's out of my control, and I wouldn't want to control it then anyway.

If my son presented me with this idea, I think I would tell him no. I understand being challenged, my son challenges me often (I've always encouraged him to challenge anyone so long as it is done respectfully) But there are times when I make a decision that I just don't feel I have to qualify it. He would know that it has nothing to with me not trusting him, because I have tremendous amount of faith in him. My concern is the feelings (the silent and hidden ones) of the other kids and the feelings and reactions of their parents.

I hope this helps.

[cally]

31. A few of her closest friends,

who have brothers, said that they are uncomfortable with all sleeping over. All opinions help. I think it's a difficult situation because some of the arguments I used earlier no longer apply. That is my mistake.

[Nikia]

34. If her friends are uncomfortable, that should be good enough

For your rule. I think that most young women are more comfortable sleeping near other women regardless of their sexuality compared to guys. I don't know how to explain it without sounding sexist against men, but I know this to be true.

[Carni]

33. You are right...there is always the lawsuit angle now

When I was 17 people pretty much did whatever, but now I don't know... the times are different and the possibility of running into an irate parent is very real. That aspect alone (unless you know all the parents REALLY well) might be motivation enough to just skip the whole thing altogether.

[MAlibdem]

32. don't have sleepovers...

as i teenager i can honestly say that it's like a DD policy. One person stays sober and drives everyone else to their house to crash and not get busted by their parents.

Or they'll get baked or shit faced in your basement while you sleep.

either way, a lose-lose.

but not for us!