The Ultimate "Your Music Sucks" Test

[arwalden]

If I'm in my car and the windows are rolled up and I'm listening to "traffic-n-weather" reports and your car is facing me on the OPPOSITE side of the intersection and I can still hear your music playing.... IT SUCKS.

If I'm in my home and my windows are closed and the TV is playing and I can hear (and feel) your bass beat as you drive by... then YOUR MUSIC SUCKS.

If I can't understand the English words: IT SUCKS.

If it doesn't have a tune that's "hummable": IT SUCKS.

If the video can only be played on MTV after 10PM and it still has "censored" pixelized areas: IT SUCKS!

-- Allen

Can anyone add anything else?

[NightTrain]

1. If the performer went to art school and claims that he's a rocker:

IT SUCKS.

[Fenris]

3. A lot of great bands were art school bands.

Clash, Blondie, Talking Heads, the Sex Pistols....

[elcondor]

10. Didn't John Lennon also go to art school?

Topic: if I can duplicate the singing/instrumentals . . . it SUCKS! (I have no musical talent.)

If the "lyrics" are just people screaming as loud as they can . . . it SUCKS!

Hey, this is fun! :D

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

15. UM _ R.E.M met in art school I do believe

and tho they suck now they didn't used to!

[Maestro]

2. if

arwalden is listening to music. It sucks! ;)

[teach1st]

4. If the vocal artist has had breast augmentation AND

..is blonde AND her navel is showing it sucks.

[arwalden]

5. If The Singer Is An American Idol Contestant... IT SUCKS.

[AwakeAtLast]

6. If the lead singer was replaced

IT SUCKS!!!

Van Halen, not Van Hagar!!!!!!!!!

There, I feel better.

[AngryAmish]

19. AC/DC replaced lead singers

Before Back in Black.

Perhaps it is the exception that proves the rule.

[Bat Boy]

22. It helped that their original singer died.

Personally, I think Brian Johnson sings like a cartoon duck, but that's just me.

Perhaps the ruling would be replacement while still living.

[Fenris]

7. IF Clive Davis had a hand in your creation

YOU FUCKING SUCK.

[terrya]

8. If it celebrates misogyny and homophobia, it SUCKS.

[arwalden]

9. If The Singer's Voice Sounds Like Michael Bolton Or Rod Stewart...

(even if it really IS Michael Bolton or Rod Stewart)... then it SUCKS!

EXCEPTION: Kim Carnes.

[Fenris]

IF your song makes more than ONE reference to God/Jesus

YOU FUCKING SUCK HARDER BECAUSE CHRISTIAN ROCK IS THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.

[teach1st]

11. If "The Original" is part of the band's name...

..it sucks.

[arwalden]

12. Corollary: If "The New" Is Part Of The Band's Name... IT SUCKS

[Wickerman]

13. If you call yourself punk and you are a new "on the radio" here in 2004

YOU SUCK!

[rucky]

14. Pony Tail

the end

[Forkboy]

16. If you like it

IT SUCKS! :P

[Radical Activist]

17. If only white people listen to it: IT SUCKS!

[arwalden]

18. If Weird Al Made A Parody Of It... Then the original SUCKED!!

Rice rice baby!

[arwalden]

20. If The Album Cover Art Sucks... The Music SUCKS

[Bryan]

26. That's hardly fair

Artists seldom have control over whether their album art sucks or not.

For an example, let's take... I dunno...

THE BEATLES!!!!

Group photo... okay, fairly representative of albums of the time...



Group photo...



Group photo...



Group photo! How daring!



Group photo, except it's trippy... Ooh, trippy.



Scary. This looks like the winning entry from a fan art contest in Tiger Beat.



Honestly, what IS this shit?



Obviously reflective of the strong contemporary influence of the "Fuck it, it'll sell anyway" school.


Does this wretched display invalidate the contents of the records? Heavens no. And to give you an idea of what the boys had to cope with, this awesome cover was rejected by Capitol:

[arwalden]

21. If The Group's Name Or The Singer's Name Is Spelled PHONETICALLY...

IT SUCKS

[NightTrain]

27. Or if the group's name is an intentionally misspelled English word...

IT SUCKS.

[Susang]

23. You better not move to my neighborhood

You've pretty much summed up all the music my neighbors listen to, particularly when they are driving slowly down the street in their pimped out rides. :-)

[Bat Boy]

24. If there is only one member of the band left...

...and they are still touring as that band, they suck.

Even if they didn't suck before, the minute that one member goes on the "I've got a car payment due" tour, they cross the line into suckage.

[arwalden]

25. If It's Anyone's High School Prom "Theme Song"... IT SUCKS!