Am I haunted?

[BigBigBear]

Since my wife passed away almost 3 weeks ago, I have been extremely careful in resisting a spiritual, life-after-death psychological palliative.

Naturally, as a bitterly grieving surviving spouse, almost nothing would soothe my weary and drained emotions more than to be convinced that she is still with me, that she is happy and well, that she has made the transition well and that I needn't grieve over her loss, because she's still here in spirit - looking out for me, helping me, still being my best friend and companion.

But I haven't made up my mind about afterlife or after-consciousness - I will say that the people I have talked to who are regularly closest to the dying, are all quite convinced of it. Still, I am trying to keep my grief 'pure' and consistent with how I perceive the world and the nature of existence. People turn to faith at times like this, but that is precisely what I DON'T want to do. I need to understand, as best I can, the REAL nature of this loss, as much as it may hurt. Not place my faith in psychological opiates.

I had a dream about her last week - she was happy, free of her illness, looked great and seemed happy to be with me. It was beautiful - whether she 'visited' me, or it was just the product of a a stressed and obsessed brain, I don't know.

Last night, though, was a very strange night:

I had a read on a grief chatroom of a woman who tries to 'communicate' with her deceased husband by putting a picture under her pillow, lying down and relaxing, trying to be 'open'. I kind of tried this - I had some mellow, ambient electronica playing in my ofice, I lied down in the bedroom (adjoining) and just relaxed.

The room started feeling very...electric, not the best word but the closest I can come up with. It felt like something was happening - but nothing did, and I drifted off for a nap. About an hour later, I heard a loud, disturbing, jolting sound - kind of a mangled, tortured male voice, commanding or demanding something, distorted, loud. It woke me with a start - I heard the music coming from the other room, but didn't know where from or what that noise was.

Later, I turned on the X-Files to go to sleep to. Watched 30 minutes, turned off the TV and rolled over to go to sleep. About two hours later, the TV screen suddenly went on and shone totally white, with a dark band across the top. I reached over for the remote - hit the CABLE/TV button, power button, channel button - NOTHING did a thing for at least 4 or 5 minutes. Finally, I got the TV to turn on normally, and turn off.

In five years, I've never seen the cable do this in our house. Ever.

I sleep badly, and I had a dream where I watched my wife die on the floor of the ladies locker room at our health club - people were doing CPR on her, and I told them to be careful, lest she start bleeding.

Apart from the acute sadness, loneliness and grief I'm climbing through, this other stuff was very distrurbing. I sensed anger, guilt, frustration. Left me shaken.

Sorry for the heavy post, but this place has some thoughtful people and I'm craving, if not 'support', at least some feedback.

[demnan]

1. I don't know the answers to any of the questions

but I do know that I no longer scoff at the idea that dead communicate with us. I've talked to too many rational people who have experienced things they can't explain.

Hang in there. The grief must be awful and I'm sure you are suffering right now. Just know you have friends here. Nancy.

[Misunderestimator]

2. First thing, you shouldn't interpret it as anger, guilt or frustration...

If indeed any of these strange occurrences were other-worldly, they were probably more an attempt to reach through to you in a material way, not from anger or guilt... (though maybe frustration).

I can understand how you felt shaken, anyone would. And I have no advice to give you and no similar experience to share.

Just to say that I hope you will weather this transition well, and that her spirit will always be with you in your love for one another.

:)

[radwriter0555]

3. When love is so strong, there is no doubt for me that the one who left

this earth can stay with you, and remain with you, as long as you need her -- or possibly because she needs you still, too.

Don't feel guilty about missing her, lamenting her, or grieving your loss of her.

It's very likely that SHE is feeling guilty about leaving you behind, and she misses you as much as you miss her, and doesn't know how to deal.

I know it sounds nuts, but talk to her. Being receptive like you were with the picture is a good idea. Tell her how you are feeling, and listen to what SHE is feeling. Let her know you are listening, so she can come through again, and perhaps over some time, you can guide her spirit in the right direction, towards peace for both of you.

Much love.

[Speck Tater]

4. After my father passed away

I was at a family gathering. My 4-year old nephew kept looking out the window while we were eating. Then he jumped up and ran to the window and looked up into the sky. We asked him what he was looking at. He said Grandpa (my dad) had been standing outside watching us, but then he went up into the sky.

There are a lot of know-it-alls who will stick their fingers in their ears and arrogantly proclaim that such a thing is impossible, but it's pretty safe to just ignore them. Communication with people close to us after they pass is so common it is almost universal. In my own personal experience, there's just no way left for me to doubt that the afterlife is for real.

Having a scientific education I'm at a complete loss to explain how it works, but just the same, I know beyond any doubt that it is for real.

[liberalhistorian]

7. There are some things that are just

beyond scientific explanation and always will be, and that doesn't make them any less real.

When my son was five, we were visiting family friends who lived in a 200-year-old home in the country near Cincinnati. It had allegedly been a stop on the Underground Railroad. We were getting ready to leave and I told my son to go upstairs and get his shoes. He came back down a minute later and asked "Who's the other person?" We had no idea what he was talking about, told him there was no "other person" and made him go back upstairs to get his shoes. He came back down again and again asked who the other person was. We repeated that there was no "other person" and sent him back upstairs, even though by this time he didn't want to go upstairs again. This time he was gone longer and came back down with his shoes. We asked what had taken him so long, and he said he was "talking to the other person." We all looked at each other because there really was no one else there. We asked him later what the "other person" looked like, he said she had on a long, blue skirt, and had "covered hair." He further described her, and said she'd been smiling at him. That's always creeped us out.

[TlalocW]

5. I feel sorry for you BUT

You have to keep in mind that you're going through a tough time emotionally, and the one thread that's consistent in your story is all this stuff happens when you're sleeping or waking up, and those are perfect times for your mind to play tricks on you. I've remembered "waking up" when I was a 8 or 9 and seeing my bedroom door opening and closing by itself over and over. Looking back, I know this was a hallucination/dream because I wasn't scared (and I was a scardey-cat as a kid), and the door was opening wrong - into the hall instead of into the room. You may also have some form of sleep paralysis that can contribute to stuff like what you're experiencing. Even now, I'm woken up by "voices" screaming my name very loudly. It's a little spooky, but I can push the experience out of my mind and go back to sleep.

James Randi has had several weeks of posts on this in his weekly commentary from readers who have or know people who have sleep paralysis, etc. Even if you don't have sleep paralysis, you might read his archives at http://randi.org. The letters from his readers give a good insight into how strong emotions played into the paralysis they have. Randi, the biggest skeptic in the world, once felt he had had an out of body experience and told his foster son about it who pointed out that the sheets that he had seen while floating above his body were in the wash, and his cat that was lying next to him in bed had been outside all night.

Don't feel bad about what you're feeling. It just shows how much you loved your wife, but also don't it let get to you in the way that you seem to be letting it.

TlalocW

[BigBigBear]

8. I understand

but the TV going on in the middle of the night, for no reason, has nothing to do with my proximity to sleeplessness or wakefulness.

Randi might suggest I was hallucinating - I was not. The noise - who knows what that was, perhaps an auditory hallucination. But the TV lit up my whole bedroom - I found the remote by using its light, since I couldn't remember where I had left it.

[TlalocW]

9. And where did you find the remote?

Close to you? Far from you?

TlalocW

[BigBigBear]

11. It was on my beside table - 2.5 feet or so away

I saw its outline against the lit-up wall.

I'm not certain this was a paranormal event - but it's never happened before, and it was based on the malfunction of a machine that has responded more or less perfectly to simple remote control commands thousands of times before.

[TlalocW]

15. Okay...

I wouldn't classify this under a paranormal event. You're very grief-stricken, and right now all thoughts are on your wife so anything out of the ordinary that could be a "haunting" is going to stick in your mind. The television malfunctioned and didn't want to work right - the time frame may be exaggerated in your mind because you were woken up; you may also have punched the wrong buttons in your just woken-up state to get the TV to work, or the batteries may be weak. Of course, I could be wrong about the timeline in your television experience, but I think you're still looking for things that you can connect to your wife. You're still going through a grieving period, and things are going to be bad for a while. And you have a circumstance in your life that you can easily tie things to whether or not they're actually linked to it. If you had a queasy feeling before getting on an airplane, and it hit a bad spot of turbulence, you might believe you had a psychic premonition except you've forgotten that you've had that queasy feeling everytime you've gotten on a plane because nothing happened on those flights. The human mind tries to make connections to everything that happens in a person's life, but it's not perfect. Grieve but don't let loose of reality. It won't diminish your love for your wife.

TlalocW

[Loonman]

16. I wouldn't go so far to question...

...the man's sanity.

Rude.

[TlalocW]

18. But I would go so far as to read

A person's post before you say something as dumb as I'm questioning his sanity. He's in an intense emotional state. We've all been there, and for the most part, our minds work the same way. How we interpret their workings is different. My view is just what I stated - the mind isn't perfect, and it's going to try and make links between things that happen in his life, and since there's a pretty big recent event, it's going to get linked back to there.

While I could be absolutely wrong about how well he functions when coming out of a sleep state, etc. there is nothing too far-fetched in what I've put forth in anything I've said.

Instead of saying I'm doing something I'm not then calling me rude, I suggest you learn to read. I don't want to continue this on his thread, but I'm not going to sit idly by while you misinterpret things I say. Yell at me privately in email if you must.

TlalocW

[BigBigBear]

24. Thanks for your views

I'm not necessarily asserting that the TV and/or the suden noise were "connected" to my loss. But both left me quite shaken, and both were unusual.

It was just a bad night - I expect I'll have a few more. Probably many more.

[liberalhistorian]

6. BBB, you have been dealt

a tremendous, earth-shaking, life-altering, extremely painful loss, the kind that not many of us, frankly, will ever experience. The only thing worse than what you're dealing with would be the loss of a child.

It has not even been three weeks since your wife died; you can't expect to get "back to normal", as people like to say, for a very long time, and "normal" will never be the same as it once was. I actually think you're doing pretty well, considering what a terrible, beyond-painful loss it must be for you.

I do think, from what you've described, that you experienced something supernatural. I wouldn't necessarily call it "haunted", though, and I really doubt your wife would ever "haunt" you. As I said in your afterlife threads, I'm a Christian who believes in an afterlife and I believe our loved ones and friends who die are still with us in spirit if we're open enough to see it. We may not even be aware of their presence, but I happen to believe it's real. And I believe you're experiencing her presence in some form, although you may not even be aware of it.

When my stepbrother was killed in a car accident 16 years ago, I remember getting "visits" from him in dreams and other family members reported feeling his presence at various times. The same with my grandparents, particularly my paternal grandmother. Now, I know that many people would say that it's just wishful thinking, just the mind translating the intense desire to see and be with the person again into something that it really isn't, but I don't believe that. I've experienced enough, and I've been around enough people who've experienced enough, to know, or at least believe, that it really is real.

I respect the fact that others disagree and don't, and likely never will, feel the same way. That's why it's so hard to really respond to you in the way you want, because everyone has their own opinions about this subject, and everyone believes equally that theirs is the only correct opinion and belief.

And I can't begin to know how you're really feeling; I've never been married and I've never come close to experiencing the kind of loss you're dealing with. But I am able to offer a listening, sympathetic ear whenever you need it, and I'm sure most other DUers are more than willing to do the same.

[Tom_Foolery]

10. When my aunt died 15 years ago...

most of my family had stayed late at the funeral home. My uncle (my late aunt's husband) was getting ready to go home and asked if anyone wanted to spend the night at his house, which was way out in the middle of nowhere. Well, nobody wanted to do it but me. It was pretty late, and we were both really tired. He asked me where I wanted to sleep. I told him that I wanted to sleep in her bed. He said that he would change the bedclothes. I told him not to bother. All through the night, I could smell her perfume; and I swear I could feel her there with me. The next day at the funeral when everyone was falling apart, I stayed quite calm because I knew she was in a better place and feeling no pain.

[johnnie]

12. Bear

The television could be a form of an attempt at communication. Electrical devices always seem to be the most used. Also, what the woman in the chat room was talking about is the best way to do this. Anything that was hers, such as a picture, ring, jewelery, etc can be put under your pillow. I told one woman who lost her sister about this and she wore her sisters nightgown. The next day she came to work and was excited because she got to "see" her sister in a dream. She said it was so vivid that she never had a dream like this. Her sister "told" her that she is fine now and feels no more pain. I have talked to many people about this same thing and they always call me to tell me what happened.
I'm not an expert in this area, I just have had many experiences and have heard many since I was very small.
Your wife might be trying to use these things to communicate with you. As one poster said, you can talk to her. And I truly believe that she will hear you.
I know many people will shrug all this off, but I have seen many people deal with their losses this way. None of this kind of stuff is anything new and many things are being discovered about the afterlife as time goes on.
I don't know if you ever did get the book I suggested, but just in case you forgot what it was it is called "We don't die" by George Anderson
Please take care and my thoughts are with you.

[BigBigBear]

17. Thx Johnnie

I've been too busy to stop by the bookstore, but I just may do so this weekend. Several people here and elsewhere have recommended this book, so it's a must, as far as I'm concerned.

But here's a key point: to quote you, "but I have seen many people deal with their losses this way."

This is precisely my point. Just as I'm willing to believe in ADC and after-consciousness, I'm also willing to believe that a grieving brain can foster hallucinations, conversations with their departed, signs from the 'other side', etc, becaue people need, conscious or subconsciously, to relieve their anxiety, to deal with their loss.

I wish to deal with the reality of this loss, and learn something about life and death, without having to rely on faith or soothing fantasies. I guess I'm either a reluctant skeptic, or a troubled believer.

I'm not hammering you, bud - I really appreciate your concern and care for me, and your recommendation. I'm just....I dunno. I guess it's hard to explain.

I'm just grateful for others sharing their viewpoint and experiences.

[johnnie]

20. I just thought of something

A few months ago my grandfather said he saw his father. Let me say that my grandfather has always been one to say that once you die, that's it. There is nothing beyond that and we just stay in the ground.
My father told me that he was talking to his father and he confided in my father that he was walking down the hall in his home and saw his father standing there. He said he didn't say anything, just looked at my grandfather and smiled. Then he disappeared. My father told me that he couldn't believe that his dad would ever even mention anything like this, let alone believe it. My grandfather told my father the story and that was that.
I guess what I am saying is that even for a complete non-believer like my grandfather to experience something like this...it had to be something. Of course my grandfather is 87 years old, but he is in a pretty good frame of mind.
I understand your hesitation on just out right embracing these beliefs and I think you are wise to do so. I just know that some of the things I have read that you have posted are very similar to things that people I know have experienced. We might make these things up in our mind, but I think it seems more impossible that people have experienced the same thing for years and years, from country to country.

[TrogL]

13. Yes, I went through something very similar

PM me if you need to talk.

[Loonman]

14. Probable and possible

But all cases are different and should be judged on their own merits.

Oddly enough, this phenomena, if indeed of a supernatural nature, happens more often in Scandanavian countries than anywhere else.


I'd go into it furthur, but it would mostly be a clinical breakdown of past cases and would not necessarily touch on your emotional state or give you any concrete answers.

[testing123]

19. She will always be with you

Do not pay anyone for anything like a reading, etc.

When you lay down to take a nap or go to sleep, that is when you will feel her around you the most because she will be in your dreams. They come to us in our dreams and I am sure that she isn't angry because she was sick for a long time and she is out of her painful existence. She loved you and she will always be with you. Speak to her in your dreams and keep her belongings around the house until you feel that its the right time to give them away.

People that are born with a gift do not charge for their services so please do not pay anyone over the Internet for anything.

She is with you and she is showing you that so that you know that she still is around you.

Trust me I know about this kind of thing.

Can I suggest that you call a support group and join one immediately.
The hospital can give you a list and please go to it and talk to other people that have recently lost their loved ones because it helps.

It took me 10 years to get over a death and I finally am able to part with her possessions.

PM me if you need anything.

BTW My Mothers brother came to our house when I was a kid and he had been murdered that night and we all saw him walk through the door and he lived in another state.

God be with you.

[flamingyouth]

21. I'm so sorry you're going through this

And I'm sorry I am too. There, now that's out of the way.

I have not yet had one of those "I'm okay, don't worry about me" dreams about my husband, but I have about other people, especially people who had been sick for a long time before dying, as your wife was. I distinctly recall dreaming about my grandmother two nights after she died of cancer. In the dream, she was all dressed up with her hair done, and she told me that I shouldn't worry, that she'd be with me always, looking out for me. The weird thing was, I told my mom in the morning, and she had had exactly the same dream, down to the dress and coat she was wearing! It's been hard for me to write that off as coincidence, and I admit that it's partly that I find it comforting to think that she is indeed looking out for me.

I really want some message from my husband. The only one I've gotten so far was when I was leaving the cemetery after making the arrangements, and "Highway To Hell" by AC/DC came on the radio. To me, it was kind of a sign, for lack of a better word, because that was a favorite song of his, and it really made me smile, especially after going through the task of finding his burial plot, etc.

I've been thinking about you a lot - we lost our spouses so close to each other, yet there were different circumstances. Yours was so sick for so long, mine was physically healthy but mentally unstable and his death was violent and by his own hand; you and your wife had a wonderful relationship, while ours was troubled. Both situations have their own complications to them, I think.

Take any good signs you find and cherish them now. I bet she IS sending you messages that she wants you to live, to go on, and most of all to be happy. After all, if the circumstances were reversed, you'd be doing the same.

I'm sending you lots of love and strength. I owe you a PM and sometimes it's hard for me to write these types now. But I have been thinking of you a lot. We're burying Alan tomorrow at 11 in a nice, humanist ceremony with little fanfare - the way he would have wanted it.

I wish you peace.
Your friend,
Lisa

[BigBigBear]

23. You owe me nothing, Lisa

Peace and love to you, too.

Hang tough, and just keep being you.

Dave

[UrbScotty]

22. I have been feeling as if my dog has been revisiting me in my dreams.

I keep thinking she's still alive.

Even in complete consciousness, I sometimes think she's gonna come in and hop on my lap.

She died a year ago last Sunday.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

27. That happened to me, too...

In my dreams, I saw my dog come out of her grave, and I bathed her, and she was fine.

The weirdest thing, though, was the sensation that she'd hopped up on the bed when I wasn't quite asleep.

[DrWeird]

25. One time when I was a kid...

after my grandfather died from a prolonged case of Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I sat in my darkened bedroom and tried meditating on it. For a brief instant I saw the disembodied face of my grandfather directly in front of mine.

Surprised the hell out of me at the time. But now I scratch it up to 100% psychological and 0% supernatural. The mind can do funny things to you when you let it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

26. I don't believe your mind was playing tricks on you.

There's so much we don't know about the human psyche..both during and after life. My personal feeling is that our psyche continues to exist after we've passed from this world; but it's only a feeling...I've no proof to substantiate my belief.

That said, I have to tell you that I've occasionally had odd experiences that seemed as if they could have been triggered by my emotional state.

For example, I was feeling exceptionally angry after a frustrating argument with someone whom I felt was cruel and unreasonable with others. In an attempt to release the anger, I poured a glass of water and started to play a video game. Both the glass and the water were room temperature. In the middle of the video game, for no apparent reason, the glass shattered.

Like you, I've sensed something "electric" on various occasions when my psyche has been deeply affected by intense joy or sorrow. I've had incredibly vivid dreams of loved ones rising from the grave, and felt the sensation of an unseen presence.

I suspect that the energy created by our emotions is as real as electric or nuclear energy; and because we've not learned how to harness that power, it tends to run amok, as with an electrical storm.

I don't know if this is a comfort or a help to you at all; but I think that as you grieve, you should observe yourself closely, taking note of the energy created by your feelings. I wouldn't be surprised if the "mangled, tortured male voice" you heard before turns out your own, BigBigBear.

:hug::hug::hug:Give yourself the time you need to grieve :hug::hug::hug:

[CBHagman]

28. I sometimes feel we work out relationships in our dreams.

I've often had dreams of people who have died, including close family members. Sometimes I have lucid dreams (i.e., I am perfectly aware that what I am experiencing is a dream).

But at any rate, I sometimes think such dreams are a way of working out the relationship, coming to terms, etc.

I do not dismiss visions or the like; I know too many people (including very down-to-earth types) who have had experiences that they consider visions and/or hauntings.

But BigBigBear, I think you should expect to have such dreams for some time. For some of us, it's part of the grieving process.