ARGH!!! How do I deal with SO's unconscious sexism?????

[Coventina]

I love my SO, he's one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever known, which is why I share my life and bed with him.

BUT HE SOMETIMES DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!

ESPECIALLY the dreaded question, "What's for dinner?"

I hate being at work, and getting a phone call from him at home asking with a hint of whine in his voice, "What's for dinner?" And then the follow up questions like, "That's it?" or "And what else?" etc.

He's willing to help, but seldom takes initiative, and feedback is nearly always negative.

He was raised in a very traditional household where mom did all the cooking and housework, and he pretty much expects the same behavior from me. Which I honestly wouldn't mind IF I WEREN'T WORKING AND GOING TO SCHOOL!!!!

He works long, hard hours, but so do I, yet I'm also expected to be hausfrau.
*sigh*

[jobycom]

1. My wife does that to me

But your so sounds much nicer. Talk to him about it.

I've tried that with my spouse, to get her to help clean up after I cook, but she just sort of gets this nasty, sour look, and we wind up going out to eat so I don't have to talk to her.

That's a lousy system, trust me. Try talking it out, before you reach that point.

[Bill McBlueState]

10. whew, I'm not the only one

I get stuck with the clean-up all the time, regardless of who cooks. And if I ask for the slightest bit of help, it's like I've made this major, unforgivable imposition on my wife's time. Same with the laundry. She has more important things to do, like screw around on the computer.

Confronting her about it is very difficult because we can go from "I wish you'd help me with the dishes" to "I hate you! We need to separate!" in three or four minutes.

[jobycom]

12. Well, considering mine hasn't cooked in a decade

and since I run the errands, wash my own clothes, do the shopping, budget, the lawn, and everything else, and her only chore is to wash the dishes when I've cooked, she has no excuse. Oh yeah, she does wash hers and the kids' clothes, but only because when I did it, she used to rearrange the drawers after I'd put everything away, and often wind up hiding everything. So I let her do the clothes.

She does help with the TV watching, though, I have to admit. I don't know how she does it, but she can watch a good five hours of TV between dinner and sleep. I guess that cuts into her dishwashing time.

[Stocat]

2. this can work

It depends on the relationship that you have but if you have a productive conversation with him about it and he agrees, You can playfully say "I don't know what are you fixing?" Also talk to his mother and observe how he reacts around her. Often men have a really set routine that was established then.

[gumby]

3. What's for dinner?

Answer: Whatever you feel like making, dear. Do I need to pick you up anything for your menu on my way home?

[Spinzonner]

4. Why not just tell him "Whatever you're making"

Also, have you considered the possibility that he just wants to hear your voice but doesnt want to admit it and this gives him a convenient excuse to call without giving the real reason.

[iamjoy]

5. I Hear You

Suggested responses next time he asks "what's for dinner"

Snippy:
Whatever you make!

Guilt:
I don't know. I have so much work to do I don't even know I'll have time to eat.

Passive Aggressive:
Ignore him. Do your homework/studying away from home as much as possible.

Rational:
I know you work long and hard, but so do I. I really don't have the time and energy for all the housework/cooking and it would be really helpful if we shared the responsibility for that.

****
I can say, I've tried reasoning with my husband, a very rational man and he still won't cook. But he doesn't expect me to either. If I'm too tired or too busy, we go out, grab something "to go" like a deli rotisserie chicken or he can eat cereal, pop corn or heat up a frozen dinner.

[Nikia]

6. I have that problem with my husband to some extent

He doesn't complain about what I make. If I don't want to cook, he suggests we get take out or something. He, himself, hasn't made anything for a while. He expects me to clean when he isn't around. He doesn't want me to clean when he is around unless he wants to clean in which case I have to help him clean too. He won't clean on his own. I do think this is from his sexist upbringing with his mother doing everything around the house. Other than that, he is one the least sexist guys I know as far as dealing with women as equals and be sympathetic to what women have to deal with. It was just that he was raised that way with his mother trying to reinforce that even now. She thinks that I am really a lesbian because I am not interested in cleaning, decorating, or her idea of fashion and want to acheive something in a careeer and am intellectual.

[tandot]

7. During the week, my boyfriend does dishes, shopping and everything

else (including cooking). I'll do it during the weekend.

He has to work from 9:00 am to about 4:00 pm, sometimes weekends. I have to drive 50 miles one-way to work (2 hours on the road each day). So, I am gone from Mo-Fri from about 6:30 am to 6:00 pm.

I can't complain too much. He does a lot of things, but he doesn't see the dirt I am seeing. That is fine with me: I just give a sh*t right now. If he can't see it, I wont see it. I am just too tired to play "hausfrau"

But I know what you mean. Just a good old talk where you make clear how much time you spend working (school & work) and that times have changed. Just write down how much he works (outside the home) and how much you work (outside the home, including homework etc.). Maybe that will help.

Good luck to you!

[carolinayellowdog]

8. male/male perspective

Hey,

I've been on the opposite end of this with a couple of partners-- kinda "don't you dare touch anything in MY kitchen." Point being that role division issues come up in ANY partnership. If you frame it more as "what you expect of me as a partner" rather than "what you expect of me as a woman" it might sidestep gender war issues.

Good luck!

CYD

[SW FL Dem]

9. Be honest and ask for help

When I was first dating hubby, I cooked, he cleaned up or vice versa. That worked until we had a kid and I stopped working outside the house. For a while he tried the "you aren't working" line, so I just asked him to watch the kid while I cleaned up after dinner <eg>. The kid is now 13 and both of them help. My kid loves to cook so he does, hubby sets the table and everyone cleans up. It gives us more time as a family to to the fun stuff.

[SarahB]

11. He doesn't even get it.

When I try to explain it as being sexist, I'm being a jerk. He takes care of things when he has had to, but it's always protrayed as a "favor" to me.

[proud patriot]

13. My dad would respond to "What's for Dinner?" with "Food"

I'd then ask "what kind of food?"
he'd retort "Good Food" :evilgrin:

[freeforall]

14. Answer to "What's for dinner?"

"I don't know. What are you bringing home?"

OR

"I don't know. Where are you taking me?"

[seventhson]

15. Try this one: "I'm having shrimp scampi. What are YOU having"

It is a little passive aggressive - but he needs to learn how to cook for both of you if he expects you to.

I say take turns picking and cooking the meals (make a menu and a shopping list and let him do the same)

3 nights a week each and one take out or meal out a week.

Tell him its the only fair way if he is a real man.

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. Y'all need to have a conversation about it

since he's so wonderful otherwise, I'm sure he'll be open to a conversation. And if he isn't, tell him "too goddamn bad, buster, we're having it anyway."

My partner and I both love to cook, but for a long time I was working insane hours and when I came home I was hungry, but also wanted to rest and relax a bit, have a cocktail, read my email, change clothes, etc., so we evolved into a system of whoever cooks the other one does the clean up. Mostly she cooked during the week, and I did the weekends, or we went out.

It just worked nicely, since she was also generally home most of the day (she's a student). And since I love to cook, the weekends gave me a chance to cook without having to wait until 7 or 8 pm for me to start dinner, and with enough time to cook the bitchin' foods I liked to make. :-)

But, yeah, you need to talk with him about it. It's not fair for either partner to have carry more of the burden. It should be co-equal. That might not mean you cook exactly the same amounts of meals every week, but that maybe he cleans when you cook; or that he does the laundry and the yard and the trimming and you do the cooking and cleaning, etc. You know, whatever you come up with, until you have a system that works. Which, I hazard a guess, your system doesn't right now. And until it works, it will be a stressor.

[Coventina]

17. Wow! Thanks for all the responses and advice

It seems that my dilemma is something lots of couples deal with.

I will have a talk with him and see what we can work out.

[tigereye]

18. interesting question

my husband cleans up the kitchen. I do contract work so I can be around for our child, so I have a more flexible schedule. At other times in our marriage, it was the other way around. He is a really good cook and actually cleans up better than I do. I like to cook, but sometimes it becomes a chore. It is funny how these divisions of labor play out, because sometmes I feel, as the female who "works" part-time (outside the house that is), I am expected to do most of the cleaning. But my h does not agree with this and he really doesn't care much about how tidy the house it. Which is a relief.

I do most of the yard, house cleaning, car maintenance and kid wrangling from activity to activity. But from the perspective of men commenting here, there is also the opposite perspective, that they do most of the work. I think all work, home and outside, should be valued equally, and then there would not be the perception that mom sits around all day... cause we don't!

[RandomKoolzip]

19. Seriously, tell him it bothers you.

And share the dinner-making chores. Force him to.


My wife would never put up with that crap and that's why I love her. She always tells me if I'm doing something that bugs her. And since I know what's good for me, I adapt. If he's a good man, he'll do the same.

All you have to do is confront him with your feelings on this.

[ewagner]

20. Partnership

When my wife went back to school for her MBA and was still working full-time, I did everything I could to facilitate her efforts....including taking over shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards. After she got the MBA she switched jobs (great promotion) and the roles never changed.

I don't mind it and we've talked about it from time-to-time, but it just seems to fit our lifestyle better and allows her to pursue her career more agressively than if she had to come home and cook all the time.

The point is that we talked about things and did our best to be supportive of each other and the roles just naturally evolved.