I think my girlfriend is pregnant.

[JaySherman]

FYI, I'm 26, she's 23.

I've had a few scares before in my life, but never like this. She's not only late on her period, but she also has all the other symptoms (morning sickness, headaches, fatigue, all of it). We've been together 8 months now and are very tight. We have even at times discussed the possibility of marriage/kids in the future. Now it looks like it might be happening much sooner than expected. It's not certain yet, but all indications are pointing toward it. I didn't think I was ready do be a daddy yet, but it looks like I might have to be. We're going to do a home test tomorrow to find out for certain. I hope I'm not jumping the gun, but she seems to think she is pregnant too.

The thing is she's native Japanese and I'm American (I currently live in Japan). So there are a ton of hurdles to overcome, like her parents, cultural differences, etc,. In fact, I just met the parents for the first time last week. They took to me well enough considering I'm a foreigner, but gods only know what will happen when they find out about this.

We had planned to move the U.S. together someday, but this will change things. I could be staying here alot longer than I planned. Luckily, well-paying English teaching jobs (which is what I do) are plentiful, so this wouldn't be a bad place to start out. But I had really hoped to go home.

Obviously, I'm sticking with her. And abortion is only an option if she chooses it.

I normally don't like to air my problems publicly, but you DU'ers are a great support group, and I could use as much as I can get right now. I'm not sure what to think. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I'm really freaking out about this.

Any advice, wisdom, anything? Is it in any way possible to have all the symptoms and still not be pregnant?

[ugarte]

1. Don't they have pregnancy kits in Japan?

How many days/weeks late is she?

[JaySherman]

21. Yes they do have pregnancy kits here.

She's about a week late right now. But her symptoms are really bad. She was so sick she had to leave work early today.

[sus]

2. of course the test is the only way to know for sure, but

the morning sickness is really difficult to explain. it sounds like she is probably pregnant.

[7th_Sephiroth]

3. off topic but

how do you get a job teaching english in japan? on edit, PM me, i really want to know

[JaySherman]

27. It's not that hard.

I got my current job through a friend who was already working here, with literally a month's notice and no screening process whatsoever. For many jobs, all that's required is a Bachelor's Degree, a resume, and a photo. Some teaching experience is always a plus, but not necessary. The hard part is avoiding getting stuck working for a scheit employer. You can really get screwed if you're not careful. I'll PM you tomorrow when I'm (hopefully) in a better frame of mind.

[7th_Sephiroth]

32. thanks

my neighbor says he did it, but i cant get him to go into detail

[JuniperLea]

4. if it's any consolation

only a very few people are actually ready to become parents. some plan, hope, pray and try like heck to get pregnant. to most it is a surprise, and married or not, it's a big shock.

go to the drug store and by a pregnancy test. they are cheap and accurate. at least you will know for sure and you can make your decisions without the unknown hanging over your head.

take care!

[WildClarySage]

5. Yes it is possible

but unlikely. Either way, you need to know ASAP so you can begin making plans and getting proper care, etc. Test now, worry later. And congratulations, either way.

[Commendatori]

6. My girlfriend had all of those symptoms and more, and

she was not pregnant. Often the anxiety regarding a late period brings them about. Besides, I've never seen morning sickness hit that early - by the time a girl gets it, the question of "is she or is she not" is usually answered.

[molly]

10. The first time I was pregnant I had

all the symptoms that early.

[Commendatori]

13. Then I stand corrected, but

my ex-wife, my sister, and a number of ex-girlfriends who got pregnant (either by me, or after our relationships were over and stayed friends with me) took longer than that. My ex-wife took so long to throw up for the first time (and was so irregular to begin with) that neither of us bothered to consider that she might be pregnant until her best friend bet us $100 on it. Obviously, we lost.

[Guaranteed]

7. Ruh-roh.

You're not going to talk to her about whether or not she's going to have the child? I mean, if she's pregnant?

[JaySherman]

15. We're defintely going to discuss it

And I will help and support her, but my own moral view is that it's her body, so it should be her choice. I'm not going to force a decision on her one way or the other.

[7th_Sephiroth]

16. your a good man, JaySherman

it'll all work out

[JaySherman]

25. Maybe...

Right now, I feel more like a dumbass who can't keep his seed in his pants. But thanks for the words of encouragement :).

[7th_Sephiroth]

31. you used condoms

shoulda gone with better brand than hello kitty, and could you please respond to my post way upp near the top, i am seriously interested

[JaySherman]

34. LOL. Hello Kitty.

My friend who brought me here warned to bring my own supply. These were (supposedly) industrial strength Trojans I brought from home. Obviously they weren't enough.

And I did respond. See above. :)

[7th_Sephiroth]

35. srry bout that

diddent notice,andseriously, just as a discussion piece when you return to the u.s. or have relatives visit, pick up a box of hello kitty condoms

[JaySherman]

37. LOL! Kawaii!

I'll have to check 'em out. Doesn't look like protection is going to be a worry for a while. So we'll go for the cuteness factor.

[7th_Sephiroth]

38. can you get me some lotte gum?

and some pocari sweat, the only asian food store with it colsed down, and the pocari sweat is something i have been wanting to try

[JaySherman]

39. I can get you a case of the stuff, no problem.

Every store sells it here. It's my hangover cure from all those uber-dry Asahi beers.

[7th_Sephiroth]

40. sweet

i've been a gum junky all my life and 2 of my 3 favorites are japaneese, Marokawa fUsen gum, Lotte gum and juicy fruit

[bicentennial_baby]

41. Marukawa Fusen!!

I am addicted to it! Luckily here in Western Massachusetts we have several Asian food shops and trendy shops that sell a lot of Japanese products. I am addicted to that gum and my fiancee is addicted to Wasabi roasted green peas!

[7th_Sephiroth]

42. never tried the green peas

this is pensacola so the navy base brings alot of asian markets and i have seen the peas being sold, but never tried them, or the fried squid, for that matter, tell me, do they make cherry flavored fUsen gum? i have only tried the combo pack (grape strawberry melon peach pink bubblegum and a few others) melon is my FAVORITE by the way, i love the way it tastes like real fruit

[bicentennial_baby]

44. Never seen Cherry

I get the combo packs too. Yes, melon is great! I also like grape a lot. It's funny you should say that, b/c I also love the way it tastes like real fruit. Amazes me every time...Damn, now you've got me wanting to drive 15 miles to go get some more! :P

[7th_Sephiroth]

46. bring me back some too

and manga, especially anything with catgirls, hentai a +

[ArkDem]

45. To teach English you will need to learn the difference

between a contraction and a pronoun.

[molly]

8. Marriage is difficult enough and in your case

you will have a lot to overcome. I would think this over very carefully. Sit down and make a LOGICAL list of the pros and cons.

Why don't you practice birth control?

[JaySherman]

17. We do use birth control.

I've been extremely careful about it, but as they the only truly safe route is abstinence. And except a fundie who wants to go that route?

As for the pros and cons, I'm (we're) already thinking about it. I don't intend to be rash about this. I've got 2 new job interviews on Saturday and my job choice may well be determined by what we learn tomorrow.

[bitchkitty]

9. Congratulations!

And don't worry, in the end it will all be worth it. I hope she keeps him or her!

[MissMillie]

11. If she's got symptoms

and she's late, it's a pretty safe bet that she's pregnant.

I was 22 when I got pregnant w/ my son. I was unmarried (and still am). I was lucky to have family that was/is amazingly supportive.

You've got a mature attitude about this, so I'm betting that you are more ready than you think you are. If you can remember that being a parent means that your kid comes first (with very few exceptions) you'll be fine.

I'm going to make a guess that you love your girlfriend (you said you talked about future marriage and that you were "very tight" but you didn't say that you love her). If you do love her, be sure to remind her of that. I'm betting she's worried that she's goofed and that she's failed you somehow. Truth is, you BOTH got pregnant. She's going to need to know that you don't blame her and that you still feel the same way about her.

[JaySherman]

19. I do love her.

I made sure to tell her that tonight. I had a pregnancy scare a few years ago with a girl whom I was engaged to at the time. Things were already headed well south with us then, and I remember being petrified of having to go through it with her. I don't have those same feelings with Aiko at all. If there's anyone I'd want it to be with, it's her.

[Maestro]

12. In all seriousness

You seem to be a mature adult, teacher in Japan, and if you really do love your girlfriend then be happy. As a father, I can tell you that you are NEVER prepared to be one. I can tell you that it is a horribly, terrifying idea but once the baby is here, it is great! Sure, you have late nights, sleepless nights, etc...but I would never trade anything in the world to now be without my kids. I wish they were little babies again. Rejoice, it will be a life-changing experience, but well worth it. One look in the eyes of your baby and knowing that you had a part in making that baby and you're in love. Just make sure your child grows up bilingual/bicultural.

[Rose Siding]

14. Sounds like you have a pretty good handle on it Jay

"Obviously, I'm sticking with her. And abortion is only an option if she chooses it."

You know what you're doing. Let us know when congratulations are in order.

It does sound like you're a little homesick. Is that strictly for relocating? Would a visit within the next four or five months be a possibility, maybe for both you and your partner?

[JaySherman]

20. Yeah, my biggest problem is homesickness.

I'm finishing up my current job in August. I had planned to go home for a few weeks or months (depending on my new job's start date) then come back here and start work again. I really need the break. But I'm going to talk to Aiko (my gf) and see what she's comfortable with.

[prolesunited]

48. Why couldn't she come to the states

for a few weeks? It would be early enough that she could travel safely and then you could introduce her around. Just a thought. Hope everything goes well.

[JaySherman]

51. Her work schedule.

Difficult for her to get the time off. But of course this does change everything. I'd love for her to be able to meet her future in-laws. And for my parents to meet the mother of their grandchild. We'll see what we can do. I'll keep you guys updated.

[rbnyc]

18. Just want to add one thing.

Even people who plan their kids don't really feel ready for it. It's a lot to handle no matter what.

It's hard not to think about all the possibilities, even before you know for sure. In fact, it's probably good to think about all the possibilities even before you know for sure.

However it turns out, I think you'll be great.

Good luck.

[oregonjen]

22. My husband is Japanese and we lived in Japan

The culture differences are sometimes hard, but it is amazing to have children and know they are experiencing Japanese and American traditions. My daughter was born in Japan and my son was born in the US. We live in Oregon now, but I made a commitment with him when we got married to live in Japan.

I speak Japanese thankfully by majoring in it in college (exchange student for a year) and then on the JET program for two years.

Wish you luck! It's quite a fantastic journey becoming a parent. Wouldn't change anything!

Jen

[JaySherman]

23. I want to ask a serious question.

Having lived and taught in America and Japan, how do you feel about sending your kids to a Japanese public school? Obviously American schools are no great shakes, but my experience with Japanese schools has really repulsed me. Sorry if I sound negative, but the 'kumi' and 'ijime,' combined with the utter lack of discipline, and tolerance for mediocrity in Japanese schools nowadays has made me completely averse to ever sending my children there.

[oregonjen]

26. Seriously

I have to agree with you. Although I taught at junior high schools in the Osaka area from'89-'91, they were old and the libraries were never used. The children were not taught to think independantly and had to memorize verbatum what they learned. I met some extremely nice teachers, but was not impressed with the school systems.

I'm living in a city in Oregon now that has the money to pass taxes for increases in funds for schools. We're lucky now, but things can change. I know there are international schools there, but they cost quite a bundle.

You yourself have to think very seriously about where you both want to live. I thought I could handle living in Japan, but after having a baby and experiencing health care there, moving back to Oregon became much more important. Luckily, my husband, who I met in Oregon, was able to get transferred back here and became a local employee. We've been living back here for over 7 years.

I hope that helps!

Edit: Feel free to pm me with any questions. I will try to help. : )

Jen

[JaySherman]

29. It does help.

Sounds like you experienced about the same as what I have. If anything, it's gotten worse, because they've gone from too much discipline and corporal punishment to a lack of any discipline whatsoever. Teachers aren't allowed to throw kids out of class, or do anything at all to kid that's misbehaving. I have students that spend their entire time in the classroom playing with boxcutters, and the Japanese teachers never do anything. I've given up trying because I get no help and frankly I don't feel like getting stabbed.

The health care is important too. I've heard the horror stories about the doctors here. But even though the health care system is dodgy, at least it's affordable, unlike in the U.S. right now.

It's an issue we've barely scratched the surface of right now, but it's going to be discussed.

My plan (prior to today) was to save up a bunch of money working in Japan, then go back to the U.S. and earn my certification in Elementary Ed. Who knows now?

[oregonjen]

33. It's overwhelming being in a foreign country

Since your gf is Japanese, the health care might be fine. I'm used to American health care and I have had horrible experiences there. I got very sick there, while teaching. Spent time in the hospital and didn't like it. Of course, nobody likes the hospital.

Has she been to the US? Would she consider visiting and checking it out? I don't know what state you would live, but that is a possibility. That way, you could get your teaching degree and teach here. You might find it more worthwhile. Teaching English in Japan burned me out.

I love the country though. I love the people, the traditions and the atmosphere. However, I love Oregon, too. I love having a house instead of apartment, a backyard, 2 children to love, and a cat and dog. My husband lived in Oregon before, so moving back here wasn't too hard of a decision.

You both have a lot to talk about.

Jen

[JaySherman]

36. She's been to the U.S. before.

Once to CT for a couple months on an exchange program, and most recently a few weeks ago on a business trip. She wants to come to the U.S. with me. Her English still isn't great, though we communicate just fine. The biggest hurdle is going to be her parents. They're not at all keen on her leaving Japan permanently.

[oregonjen]

43. Family is important

In fact, I was really homesick after I gave birth to my daughter. In Japan, traditionally, the new mom goes back to be with her family for a month to help take care of the new baby. I really missed my mom when I got home from the hospital. It's like, okay, now what do we do! There were many international phone calls!

I need to get the kids to a dentist check-up. PM me okay?

Jen

[SoCalDem]

24. Sorry... 23 yr olds are VERY fertile.. Congrats, Dad

You can handle it.. So can she.. There is never a "good time" to have kids.. They show up when they are "needed".. maybe this was the push for you to move to the next level :):)

[tigereye]

28. go to the doc and have it checked to see if she really is -

those home tests are not very accurate. I knew when I was pregnant pretty much out of the gate, and I was right, but we were planning to get pregnant, so it wasn't that surprising.


Good luck

[bearfan454]

30. Very true SoCalDem

Once they're here, they're here.

[Fleshdancer]

47. when will you find out for sure?

It sounds like the odds are good that she is pregnant, but it's best to find out as soon as possible just in case there's something else going on with her body.

The best thing I can tell you is to talk to your girlfriend...and hold her a lot. Pregnancy, planned or not, is a scary thing at first. I felt my most vulnerable when I found out I was pregnant.

For you, I recommend making the mental shift and assume she's pregnant. If it turns out that she's not, fine, but it's better to be prepared if she is. Maybe it would also be a good idea to get use to the idea of being a father now as well, that way there's no panic if she decides to keep it.

Coincidentally, I gave birth to my daughter in Japan one day before my 23rd birthday. My husband was 26. Odd, isn't it? A baby definitely changes things but if you work hard at doing it right, you'll soon realize that the hard work equals a love like no other. It isn't easy though and there is a lot of sacrifice involved, but the best things in life never come easily. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, I promise it will all work out.

[JaySherman]

49. I'm assuming that she is.

We'll know more tomorrow.

She was too sick to see me tonight but I made extra sure to tell her that I love her.

We're doing a home pregnancy test tomorrow. I've got two job interviews on Saturday, and I'm going to make my choice on the assumption that we've got a little one on the way.

[yellowcanine]

50. I think you are Cheneyed. But in the long run you will celebrate this

moment. You are as ready as any first time Dad is.

[DemExpat]

52. You sound "ready" to me.....

:-)

My first pregnancy was not planned, and actually at the worst time possible in my eyes at the time, but it turned out to be the BEST thing that ever happened to me!

I also have spent my adult life away from my homeland and family.
It is tough, but has its blessings as well.

ALL THE BEST to you, if you both decide to start a family.

:toast:

DemEx

[JaySherman]

53. Where have you been living, out of curiosity?

And thanks for the help :hi:

[DemExpat]

54. Holland...

perhaps not as culturally different as Japan, but still not home...:-)

After all of these years I feel just as at home here as in the States, and just as "not at home" here as I feel when in the States.

My little brother also made his life in Italy - another ex-pat citizen of the world.

It is an extremely interesting way to go through life - certainly gives much perspective.

Being dual-citizens hasn't hurt my kids either, as I can only see benefits of dual-languages, nationalities and cultures.

DemEx