Understanding Engineers

[JohnyCanuck]

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

More at:
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[mac56]

1. Three engineers are arguing about which is better -

mechanical engineering, or electrical, or civil. The first engineer says, “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer – look at the joints in the human body.”

The second says, “No, God must’ve been an electrical engineer – look at the nervous system.”

And the third says, “God had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through a great recreational area?”

[mac56]

2. This engineer dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter checks him in and asks, “Profession, please.”

“I’m an engineer,” he replies.

“Engineer?! Oh, my, no,” says St. Peter. “There must be a mistake. We can’t have you here. You go to the other place.”

So the engineer goes off down to Hell, and needless to say is pretty displeased. After a day or so, he decides it’s time for some modifications. He sets to work, and pretty soon he’s installed central air conditioning, indoor plumbing, a ventilation system, and escalators. By this time, Hell has become a more pleasant place and the engineer is a pretty popular fellow.

Right around this time God phones the Devil to see how in Hell things are going. “Things are going very well,” the Devil tells him. “We’ve got air conditioning, indoor plumbing, a ventilation system, and escalators now. Who knows what else we’ll have after that engineer gets through.”

“You have an engineer?!” exclaims God. “That’s not right. He’s ours. Send him to Me at once.”

“No chance,” the Devil replies. “I’ve gotten pretty used to having an engineer. I’m keeping him.”

“You hand over that engineer,” God bellows, “or I’ll sue you.”

“Yeah, right,” the Devil scoffs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

[MiddleRiverRefugee]

3. Three college graduates go on summer break...

Three young college graduates from Virginia go to a foreign country on summer break. They are arrested, tried, and convicted of some crime, and all are sentenced to death in the electric chair.

On the day of execution they are lined up and taken into the room where Old Sparky awaits them. The first student is strapped into the chair and is asked if he has any last words.

He replies: "I'm a graduate of Liberty University, and I believe in the power of God to free the righteous."

They pull the switch. Nothing happens. They figure this guy's got God on his side so they let him go.

The second student is strapped into the chair and asked if he has any last words.

He replies: "I'm a graduate of the University of Virginia Law School, and I believe in the power of Justiuce to free the innocent."

They pull the switch. Nothing happens. They figure this guy's got Justice on his side so they let him go.

The third student is strapped into the chair and asked if he has any last words. He says:

"I'm an graduate of Virginia Tech, and I don't think you're gonna be electrocuting *anybody* today unless you plug the damn chair in."

on edit: spelling. My typist shall be flogged ASAP.

[mac56]

4. Two engineers walk to work together each day.

One day, however, one of the engineers shows up on a brand-new bicycle.

“Cool bike,” says his friend. “Where’d you get it?”

“It was the wildest thing,” says the first engineer. “I was sitting on the beach, minding my own business, when this beautiful woman in a tiny little thong bikini rides past on a bike. She checks me out, smiles, and gets off her bike. Then she comes over, sits right down on my lap, puts her arms around me, and says she’ll let me have anything I want. That’s how I got the bike.”

“Good choice,” agrees his friend. “The bikini probably wouldn’t have fit.”

[markus]

5. So, three engineers are driving home from a ski weekend

and at the top of a really large hill, the brakes in the car go out.

By some clever driving and the use of one of those helpful runaway truck ramps, they manage to survive the ordeal.

Being three engineers, they are immediately out of the car and poking under the hood and under the car.

"I'm going to check the brakes lines", says the mechanical engineer. "We must have lost the hydralics."

"I'm going to check the ABS box", says the electrical engineer. "I'm sure it was an ABS or eletrical malfunction."

"Ah, hell. But it's not supposed to do this," the software engineer complains. "I think we should drive back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again."

-- A testing/qa guy's favorite joke about sw "engineers".

[GAspnes]

7. that's always been one of my faves

for much the same reason. ('way I heard it, it's two engineers and Bill Gates, and the punch line is: and Bill says "Let's all get out, run around the car, slam all the doors and see if it does it again.")

[mac56]

6. An engineer was crossing a road one day -

when he heard a faint voice call out to him. He looked down and saw a small frog.

"Thank goodness you heard me," said the frog. "I'm actually a beautiful princess. A witch cast a spell on me, but if you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess."

The engineer bent over, picked up the frog, and put her in his pocket.

"Hey, wait a minute!" shouted the frog. The engineer took her out of his pocket again.

The frog said, "Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm a beautiful princess. Look, if you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week."

The engineer smiled at the frog and returned her to his pocket.

"Wait a minute!" shouted the frog. The engineer took her out of his pocket again and said, "Now what?"

"Don't you get it?" cried the frog. "I'm a beautiful princess! If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a whole week and do anything you want!"

The engineer shrugged his shoulders and returned her to his pocket.

Now the frog was really shouting. "WAIT A MINUTE!" The engineer took her out of his pocket again.

"What's the matter with you?", she yelled. "I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and I'll do anything you want! Why won't you kiss me?"

"Look," he replied. "I'm an engineer. I have no social life and I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's pretty cool."

[GAspnes]

8. a physicist, a chemist and an engineer

Are called into the boss' office and asked to immediately find out how high a bounce he can get out of the red ball he just bought for his son.

The physicist takes the ball and starts doing laser-guided measurements of recoil activity with high-speed cameras.

The chemist takes a small sample and starts measuring the elasticity of the molecules.

The engineer goes back to his cube and looks it up in his Little Red Ball Book of Figures.