Am I being a Greedy SOB or do I have a point?

[BlueJazz]

I had some friends over last night to eat and I told them a story about a close friend who inherited a large amount of money.

This incident happened about 3 years ago and has always left a very bad taste in my mouth.

The person who inherited the dough (I'll call him Phil) was a former band member who was also my best friend.....we lived together, stood side by side on stage and shared life's ups and downs for 8 years while on the road. We even double dated numerous times.

Things come to an end ...even bands... and we got other jobs.
We still saw each other and went to each others house about 3 times a week.

Well, about 3 months after the band broke up Phil inherited about 1.7 million dollars. I believe he had about a million after taxes.

The night he came over and told me about the dough I was (of course) very happy for him and strange enough, it was the same day the company I worked for went out of business.
Phil invited me out to supper the next day and showed up in a new car and a new gold bracelet and Gold Rolex watch.

I have to admit that I thought he was going to share some of his good fortune with me.....maybe 10 thousand...maybe more ???
I mean, 10 grand would have been about 1% of his inheritance.
But No, not a word about helping out an old friend. He just bragged about how much he was going to buy.
I saw Phil several times after that and we joked about life and such and the good/bad old days.
He even brought up the time I pawned my gold ring to pay our rent and get some food.
But through all this banter he never offered me a dime.
About 3 months after getting the money, Phil told me that he was moving to France and that was that....He had no wife or children so moving was not a big deal.
I've never heard from him since.

Anyway, back to the dinner last night.
Out of the six people at the table, five said I shouldn't have expected anything from Phil...I disagree.

I mean, if the situation would have been reversed, I would have given my best friend at LEAST 20,000 dollars which would have been 2 percent of my inheritance.....
....ESPECIALLY when he had just lost his job and I knew he was about broke.

Maybe I see things in life a little bit differently from other folks but as I said at the start of this post, I still have a bad taste in my mouth about the whole incudent.

OH!...I almost forgot...for 2-3 months after phil got the dough, he was going to
"Gentleman's Clubs" (what a misnomer!) and was dropping about 500 dollars per night....on strangers, no less.
One more thing that sticks in my craw.

Anyway, what is your "Take" on the whole deal?

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

1. he sure didn't act like a friend

I can understand how you feel, and he seems like a selfish jerk - he got a million dollars, and he's spending it on rolexes and gold rings. A fool and his money, etc.

[izzie]

2. Never count on money not in hand and It was left to him

Been nice if he had helped you as you helped him but that my dear is a thing we must learn. Life does not always work like that.

[rock]

3. Mmmmm. Tricky.

There's too many variables. But I'll give you this: if you wanted to borrow 10 or 20 thousand, and he is a good friend, then I might expect him to go along with that.

[vi5]

4. Just one man's opinion but why would he?

I mean I can't gauge how close you were based on this post. And if you had helped him through some really tough time and provided him with money or a place to live when he needed it then maybe you have a case.

But I don't think just being a "friend" entitles you to anything Espeically if you had drifted apart somewhat.

Also, even if you could make a case that he should do or have done something nice for you, I think it is selfish to expect that he would just hand you a large check or chunk of cash.

Where does he draw the line? What if there are 10 or 20 or 30 other people who feel just as entitled to his money as you do?

[BlueJazz]

8. Yep, You have a point...

....but we were VERY close and I was the ONLY friend he had.

[vi5]

10. Well, after re-reading your initial post....

I didn't realize you were saying that you had lost your job and were broke. That does change it a little bit. I'm not saying that he should have handed you 10 grand, but still offering a little help or even ASKING if you needed help would have been nice.

[Lady President]

39. You were his only friend?

Big surprise.

Not to rub salt in your wound, but I think it safe to say he was a jerk. Obviously, you weren't owed anything by him, but a nicer person would have helped you.

[GOPisEvil]

5. I think if he were a good friend, he would offer something.

But, I would never expect that from any of my friends. Would it be nice to share in their largesse? Sure. But to expect it seems a bit much.

"Phil" sounds like a fairly self-absorbed person. If I were "Phil", I would have asked if there was anything you needed (being out of work and all), but I would not have offered a set amount. But then, I do have standing agreements with my friends regarding lottery winnings. :-)

[geebensis]

6. You shouldn't expect anything

Now, if you were flat broke, facing eviction, and couldn't afford food you could ask for a loan. It would be pretty shitty if he refused...

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I know if I suddenly came into a ton of money I'd have some pretty happy friends, but I wouldn't expect anything if the roles were reversed. Well, I guess I'd expect them to pick up the check for dinner. Especially after having to listen to them gush about the shiny toys they were going to buy...

mm

[Nashyra]

7. Your "friend" sounds like an idiot

but having said that I have learned that expectations lead to resentments more often than not, you would have at least thought he would have been sensitive to your situation which is like pouring salt on a wound, but you should not have expected him to share his inheritance, even though you would have "helped" him if the roles were reversed. It is a much smoother road if when you give you do so without expectations in return, if you do expect a return on your giving, then invest that's where you should expect a return. I can understand why it would still stick in your craw. Good Luck.

[BlueJazz]

11. I tihnk you (again) have a point....But....

the fact that he probably blew 15 to 20 thousand on Strippers is the
hard thing to deal with.....

[geebensis]

13. It was his money

Not the word "was". If I were a betting man (and I am) I'd bet $100 that he won't have a pot to piss in two years from now.

mm

[noiretextatique]

30. geebenis...i agree

and he will be looking to radlib for a helping hand.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. He gave you a tremendous gift - that of honesty

He finally showed the real him and what your relationship really meant to him - nothing, unless you had something to give him. So you wouldn't have to waste another 10 years before finding it out.

But still, a little bit of $$$ to help you eat would have been handy.

Makes me wonder if he has any of it left.

[StaggerLee]

12. You have a point

A friend would have helped you out even if just a little bit.

But the thing that strikes me most about this is that you haven't heard from him since. Some friend.
Hey RL- If I ever inherit that much I will pay all expenses so that you can find him and kick his ass-

[Tyler Durden]

14. Every time I buy a lottery ticket, I promise the clerk a Porshe if I win..

Last time, the clerk laughingly said she'd rather a Jag, and I said "DONE." LOUDLY. In front of witnesses.

No you're not greedy, and a friend in need is a friend indeed.

[Braden]

15. it would have been nice of him to do

but he wasn't required to do it. You are a more generous person than "phil" the problem is "phil" is wealthier.

tough luck but I would be in agreement with the five out of six.

[ArkDem]

16. I agree with your tablemates

.

[BlueJazz]

18. Fair Enough.....

I also understand the other side of the coin :)

[ChesWickatWork]

17. well of course he doesn't *owe* you anything

except for maybe his share of the rent the month you hocked your ring. Maybe a better friend would have offered some cash when you are down and out... but would you really want it? I wouldn't, it would make the friendship unbalanced and uncomfortable.

[radwriter0555]

19. I had a friend do that to me too. She inherited 4.2 million from her

folks...

We'd gone to lunch, I ordered a salad and had water. She had a full entree, didn't offer to treat. I was having a rough time, not making a lot of $$, raising a kid on my own, etc. She neither offered to buy my lousy salad or to help me out in any way. I guess I learned what kind of friend she was, more than anything, so I just stopped returning her calls.

Later on, a while back, when I hit my pot 'o gold, I remembered that and how I felt, and I've made sure to help my friends as best I can. Helped my pal buy her house, dinners are always on me at my house and so on, without ever embarassing her. I give her FULL credit for helping me learn to make the money I did in real estate and the stock market.

It's so easy to share the wealth... it's only money, and sometimes a little bit of sharing goes a long ways. I always felt it's important to share and pay back all the kindnesses I've had along the way.

[MissMillie]

20. Well, if you had been my friend

I would have shared.

But I can understand why some people might suggest that you shouldn't expect it.

[kmla]

21. Ya really shouldn't expect somethin' for nothin'...

It would be nice if he were to share with you, but he didn't. Money sometimes has a way of cutting through the BS, and revealing the truth. Judging with limited information, it appears that he was not as close a friend as both of you probably believed.

It sounds like he possibly will be back in the same condition he was prior to his windfall inheritance in a matter of months. (A fool and his money are soon partying...). But the damage to your friendship has been done. But don't be bitter because he did not act as you would have acted.

Holding on to resentment will not do you any good in the long term, dude.

Thanks for listening.

[noiretextatique]

22. i know how you feel...

and of course he didn't "owe" you anything, but given your financial condition, a true friend wouldn't have helped you. i agree with what others said: he showed you his true colors. when he's flat broke and in need...you may see him again. his friendship is for SHIT...that's for sure.

i have a friend like this. she just borrowed $40.00 from me, and promised to pay it back on a certain day....and she didn't. i had to call her. i am single and unemployed....she is in a relationship, and they both work. our relationship has always been this way. if she ever got any money, i know she wouldn't give me a dime, not even if i was in need.
i don't let her spoil my generous spirit though...i just won't give or loan HER another dime.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

23. I would be the one out of five

Phil is an unconscious ass who doesn't know that fortune changes. If I had pawned my property to make sure someone ate and they later ran into good fortunes and didn't share it..especially at a time when bad fortune came across my life, I would let them have it.

Phil is the greedy one..Phil is the one that doesn't remember his past.

Frankly, you have every right to be bitter.

[SOteric]

24. I don't believe he 'owed' you anything

nor do I think you've a good cause to expect anything from your suddenly wealthy friend.

If he were sensitive and really interested in you as a person, he might have offered a little something, especially since you were down on your luck at the time.

Perhaps your friendship did not mean as much to him as it did to you. Perhaps he's a sociopath. Perhaps he's a self-obssessed ass.

[noiretextatique]

25. self-obssessed ass

is my vote.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

26. Sorry this is how we let people off the hook in life and create

self obsessed asses..by chanting the mantra that they owe nothing when history would suggest he OWED his friend at least the same level of friendship and self sacrifice demonstrated to him.

We rationalize it by saying that we don't have a right to expect, but the truth of the matter is if we look at it from a barter point of view, the ring pawned to feed them when they were hungry had a great deal more relative value than throwing a couple thousand bucks at radlib when Phil had a million.

Phil doesn't pay his moral debts..and yes..when Radlib was down..Phil DID have a moral debt to help him.

[noiretextatique]

27. i'm with you, nsma

to be callous in the face of a friend's need, when you have the ability to help...is morally reprehensible, imho.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

28. Not just callous but deliberately unconscious and pretending

he didn't know...in order to NOT be responsible and caring for the person next to him...the lowest form of disloyalty in my book.

[noiretextatique]

29. again, i'm with you

:thumbsup:

[SOteric]

32. I see your point, but I don't particularly agree

I don't think it wise or fair to put a pricetag on one's acts of friendship or submit an accounting when one of the friends achieves some wealth.

I agree that there was sacrifice in pawning valuables to pay more than a fair share of the rent, but that wasn't pure altruism. The rent needed to be paid in full or both their butts would be out on the pavement. Should he have paid him back? Damn straight. But long before the inheirited wealth was a factor. If any holding to account was to be done, it should have been immediate. Even if $5.00 was all that inhiertance boy had, he should have been putting down a couple of bucks as they came to him.

If he inheirted the money, I doubt it came to him as a complete and utter surprise. Families usually know the wealth is there and to where it will be directed. If all else failed a negotiation could have been framed at the time the rent was paid for reimbursement at a future date.

In this case, I think there was a fairly well established pattern of letting inheiritance boy shirk his obligations. I don't agree that it's correct to suddenly change the rules on him because he's inheirited. That should have happened a long time before.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

33. Probably and believe me I DO see your point as well

I am delving into morality rather than contracts....if Phil has a conscience then letting his friend struggle when his friend would not let him struggle is void of conscience.

[SOteric]

36. Absolutely there was a moral failure.

With regard to the morality of the matter, inheirtance boy behaved abominably. I would immediately withdraw my friendship and he could expect the permanent loss of my good opinion. Those are pretty much moot in this instance, since Radical indicates there was no further contact.

What he owed was a moral debt to help his friend out. Not necessarily a fidicuary debt. In the grand balance of the scales I would consider the moral debt to have been fulfilled if rather than bucks, inheirtance boy had provided Radical with some names and references to members of his well-heeled family who might be in a position to offer employment. Perhaps he could have offered Radical the use of his apartment while he was in Europe or offered him some of the belongings he wouldn't be taking with him. Money might be the easiest way, but it's certainly not the only way of resolving an ethical obligation.

However, no matter how I parse this, I can't justify the belief that monies are owed or should have been expected. Help, friendship, sensitivity was owed and expected. They were not forthcoming. That's it for you Phil-buddy, -have a nice life.

[Catherine Vincent]

31. No, you're not being a greedy SOB.

I agree with you. Your "friend" could have offered you some compensation, especially since you lost your job...to help you out some. But since it was his money, he doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. Had it been you with the dough, you would have given him some money to help him out or maybe.. just because he's your good friend. You have to realize that everyone is not as kind hearted as you or I. But I really feel for you, and I know it really hurt you that he didn't offer one cent to you. But try not to dwell on it any longer, what is done is done. Just remember the good (and the bad) you both had before he came in the money.

Your "friend" is really amazing.

[BlueJazz]

34. Radicalliberal here:

Thanks for all your input...

You know, the thing that made me a little bitter at the whole deal was the fact that Phil went out and gave all those thousands to complete strangers. (strippers)

True, it's his money and all that but I guess a part of me is selfish in the fact that
I think : "Damn, I didn't mean as much to you as a complete stranger who probably is laughing their ass off at you"

But again, that was years ago and I really don't dwell on it.....just last night and today...

[Catherine Vincent]

47. Yeah, spending all that money on the strippers was silly.

I guess he never had a chance to do it before. I'm glad you're not dwelling on it, good for you!

[BiggJawn]

35. Time to drop it.

3 years is a LOOOOOONG time to still be pissed at Phil for not being as generous as you like to think you would be.

Also, Phil is not you, so stop looking at him through YOUR lens.

[amazona]

37. my take is that you should not have expected anything

With my income in the high four figures, I actually do manage to have friends who have more money than I do, even some millionaires. I could not do this if society -- or if I -- expected that the person with more money give hand-outs to the person with less money. It would change the friendship into something else. Once it becomes about getting money from the other person, you are not equals any longer. During a brief time when I was actually earning some money (not millions but an income in the mid five figures) I had to drop many of my poorer friends because they were constantly hitting me up for money and it destroyed the friendship. I learned that if I gave them money, I lost the friend and the money, but if I refused to give them money, I only lost the friend. Once the question of expectation of money being given or lent occurs, the friendship is dead anyway.

I'm not surprised that Phil moved overseas. If things had worked out better for me and I had gotten enough money to create a decent income stream, I might well have felt forced to do the same. It is no fun knowing your "friends" are looking to you as a private bank. Do you realize that the interest on a million dollars is aruond $30,000 a year these days? Your friend likely lives no better than a middle class lifestyle and he will quickly lose even that if he gives to everyone who asks.

The $500 strippers were stupid but many people who inherit money are stupid about spending it. Nonetheless, it was HIS money -- if he paid his proper taxes, it was HIS decision how to spend it.

Like Phil, I can no longer be around people who are constantly hinting for a hand-out. I keep my financial problems private except on anonymous forums like this one, and I am still approached for money on a regular basis to this day. It is ugly. If the person who died wanted you to have the money, they would have put YOUR name in the will.

I wish I could be more tactful in trying to get my point across. It is difficult. But expectations like yours have poisoned too many friendships that I know of. If you had inherited the money and given Phil $20,000...you do understand that everyone you had ever met and every family member you never heard of would be crawling out of the woodwork to put pressure on you? I have seen some truly incredible things...!

We need fair taxes on the rich and on inheritances, and we need a fair way to distribute a dole or basic income to EVERYONE. We do not need friends and family fighting over money on an ad hoc basis. Just my opinion, probably means I'm a commie.

I need more tact, my intent is not to flame but to explain.

[MaryBear]

38. I agree with "time to drop it,"

and get on with your own life without obsessing about someone else's behavior. He may well not have understood either your need or your desire for part of his new wealth. Did you survive? I apologize if I sound harsh, but I know from personal experience that others just don't do as I would have them do if I was queen of the universe. Your self is what you can control.

[buddhamama]

40. you're hurt

and disappointed by your friend.

i don't think the amount of money matters to the point of the story.
a true friend, which you obviously considered him to be, betrayed your friendship and walked away without a backwards glance. you do have a point for being upset. don't obsess over the money though,that's secondary,imo.

[HFishbine]

41. Well,

did you ever give your buddy Phil a table dance?

[Uzybone]

42. your "friend" was an asshole

Unlike some others Im not gonna let him off the hook and say you shouldnt have expected help. Especially since he knew you were struggling and was even reminiscing (or rubbing in salt) on the days when you had to pawn your property so you both could have a place to live. If we are so cynical as to expect that someone you could honestly call "best friend" would literally turn their back on you when your in dire straits then we are seriuoly fucked up.

[leftyandproud]

43. You should not have expected anything...

It's not your money.
I couldn't give a **** less what my friends/family earn. It's their money, not mine.

My view is, you should not have expected a dime...and you shouldn't be bitter about not getting anything.

If he were a true friend, he would have asked if you needed any help though. I know I'd be more than happy to help someone out if I were in his shoes...I guess he expected you to ask him first..


ah well, live and learn

[Nikia]

44. It's not really about money

You thought he was a close friend and he showed you that he wasn't, not only by not helping you out but also by moving to France without a thought about losing touch with you. Some people are incapable of being good friends. Don't take it personally. Personally, I have always been generous with my friends when I can. Why not? I don't think that it diminshes the friendship as long as the friends do not make a big deal out of it.

[TEXASYANKEE]

45. If I had been at your table ....

There would have been 2 people taking your side.

If I ever come into a large amount of money, I will definitely share it with my friends and family. Joy is in the giving. Phil is a self-absorbed jerk and you're better off without him in your life.

[Kolesar]

46. Here I am worrying about Mom surviving on $900/mo from Social Security

And my no good brother moving back home and not contributing anything except borrowing the equity my father put into their house.

You don't have any problem, partner. Just be thankful you have your health and your freedom. Look forward to good times and enjoying life and people.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

48. Poor Phil...

He chose the wealth that money offers, when he could enjoy the wealth of friendship throughout eternity.

Not your loss, darlin'...

[sandnsea]

49. It's probably the abandonment

I had 'friends' do that twice. We were 'friends' as long as we had more money and were willing to spend our money helping them out, like paying for the necessities for them to go camping with us or have holidays together or what have you. Twice they came into some money and both times they disappeared. The first time we just wrote it off as 'new money'. The second time it was obvious money did something to them. So it wasn't that we expected any money from them, even though we always 'shared' when we had money, it's the way they totally dismissed us from their life when they got the money. And used thier money to make 'better' friends. That's life. Money and friendship rarely mixes, lesson learned.

[DS1]

50. I would try not to expect, but since I would deffo

hand out some large chunks of cash to my good friends, expectations wouldn't come into play.