"You should know you'll have to change my diaper for me,"

[sus]

and other ways to end a blind date IMMEDIATELY.

share your stories as well as your vision.

[GOPisEvil]

1. We'll have to meet at my house. My monitoring bracelet comes off soon!

[JVS]

2. "Do you know what a colostomy is?..."

[latebloomer]

38. actually that makes me feel bad

Hate to be so 'politically correct", but I have a lovely and vibrant friend who loves to swing-dance, is single, a dem, and has a colostomy due to chronic bowel problems that proved impossible to live with. Hate to hear people being mocked like that.

[JVS]

54. Sorry about that.

It was just that I was in a lecture once where the prof. wanted to demonstrate an application of a type of putty he was lecturing about and said "Do you know what a colostomy is?" and then proceeded to talk to the class about his colostomy. I already knew because both my father and grandmother have had them, but a good portion of the class was rather grossed out.

I didn't intend to mock people for having colostomies, but rather those who would talk about them while chatting someone up at a bar. Bowel movements in general are not good conversational topics when in a dating setting.

[latebloomer]

81. "Bowel movements in general are not good conversational topics

when in a dating setting"

No argument there! :D

[LynneSin]

3. "Hello my name is sus"

:evilgrin:

[GOPisEvil]

4. I haven't killed anyone...this year.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

5. You ever see that show V? Yeah? Good.

We can watch it all weekend. Over and over again. I have the DVD's with multiple commentaries and everything.

[Fenris]

12. Are you Robert Englund?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

76. Englund expects every man to do his duty.

[sus]

6. do you mind if my cats Abbie and Evita come along??

Abbie is an excellent driver.

[LynneSin]

16. People would love to have Abbie and Evita on a date

Because they're such lovebuttons!!!

[Fenris]

17. Lovebutton? Is that a female anatomical reference of some kind?

[LynneSin]

25. I give my pets pet names

Last week they were cuddlebuns

[Screaming Lord Byron]

7. You know, in this light you kinda look like Ann Coulter.

[Ithuilwen]

72. That would make me run screaming! nt

[GOPisEvil]

8. I'll be out in a minute. I have to slip on my Vulcan ears.

[sus]

9. have my children and help spread my superior genes!

[GOPisEvil]

11. Ohmigod...I'm ovulating right this second. Take me NOW!

[DiverDave]

46. SPUTTER!!

That was good for a LOL LOL LOL.

[sus]

10. umm..before we leave, do you think you could help me fake my urine test?

[Misunderestimator]

13. Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my husband...

[NewJeffCT]

74. something like that happened to me...

I was making out with this woman in a parking lot after we shared a few drinks. She was a little more aggressive than most women I've met, but I'm not complaining, as she was a great kisser.

I then notice a guy a few cars over from my car looking at us, watching us intently... she goes, "oh, that's my husband!"

[Misunderestimator]

75. Nice... well, my experiences with that always managed to be when

some woman comes up to me in a bar and I'm thinking... she's attractive... then a few minutes later... voila, the husband appears next to her. Just freakin wonderful.

[Fenris]

14. You don't mind if my priest tags along, do you?

I want to make sure this is all on the up and up with Jesus.

[Dogmudgeon]

15. My age usually does it

I look like I'm in my late 20s. I'm actually 46.

More than half of my family members look a lot younger than they are. However, I'm just about the last unmarried one over 25.

The last time some excitable young thing tried to "hook up" with me, you would have thought it was a case of murder by the way she howled. For somebody who took the initiative and made the proposition, I would have expected her to be just a bit nicer about it.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about how old I am, and see no reason to advertise it. There's enough pressure to look for a reason to avoid someone in this world. They can hate me for being poor or not having cool friends as far as I'm concerned.

--bkl

[pagerbear]

18. Seriously

A guy I know is a flight attendant on long, long, long flights to Asia. Once a very old gentleman flew with him, and at one point asked my friend to catheterize him!

Not a blind date story, but somehow this thread reminded me of this.

[sus]

19. i feel weird. is it possible to trip on uric acid?

[Fenris]

20. You wouldn't happen to have a spoon and a butane lighter would you?

[GOPisEvil]

21. Wow. You look like my ex. He was a jerk. I'm sure you're nice though.

[Fenris]

22. I don't know what Robert was smoking. Your breasts are not small.

[sus]

24. BWAHAHAHA!!!!!

[NewJeffCT]

61. OMG - I have tears I'm laughing so hard!

that was hysterical.

[sus]

23. yeah well..WHATEVER...we Libras tend not to believe in astrology.

[sus]

26. to quote the brilliant "Reno 911"

Are you a drama queen?? because I can't have you FREAKING OUT every time you find a body part.

[GOPisEvil]

29. *snerk* That was hilarious!

[GOPisEvil]

27. Mind if I bring my Yanni, David Hasselhoff and Michael Bolton cds??

[sus]

30. oh god...the horror.

[sus]

28. I used to fuck guys like you in prison..

[GOPisEvil]

31. My mom's gonna drop us off and pick us up, ok?

[Fenris]

32. Don't get me started on the Jews....

[GOPisEvil]

33. Hey, can we swing by the Klan rally before dinner?

[sus]

34. The Cubs are really gonna do it this year!!!!!!

[Fenris]

35. So she drove me to the ER and the doctor removed half a ham from my rectum

(I was going somewhere with this one and got lost along the way.)

[sus]

39. sort of like:

okay so i had the gerbil, the crystal meth, and the toilet paper tube, but i wasn't gettin' nothin'! i can't figure out where i went wrong...

[Fenris]

You might be Richard Gere.

He's been known to partake of rodent stimulation.

[sus]

42. i have a close friend who gets really upset when i mention

that sort of thing. he insists it's urban legend. "you KNOW people don't DO that for real, RIGHT??" so i don't mention it anymore. not that it was a hot topic of conversation to BEGIN with though...

nevermind.

[sus]

44. hey, listen..do you mind if i shave my armpits in your car?

i was a little pressed for time.

[Fenris]

47. Perhaps it is just a myth.

Like the story about Rod Stewart and the gallon of semen pumped from his stomach.

[GOPisEvil]

36. Hey - those jeans make your ass look big.

[Nlighten1]

37. Do you swallow?

Mom always said..."if she doesn't swallow, don't marry her"

[DiverDave]

40. Could you grab

that extra box of ammo in the closet?
Oh, and take the mac-10 for yourself.

[Canuckistanian]

41. Have you let Jesus into your life?

Check, please!

[DiverDave]

43. What?, This?

It's a cold sore, really.

[DS1]

45. Can I masturbate while you paint your nails?

[GOPisEvil]

48. What's that? Oh, I never wear pants. Too confining. I like being FREE!

[sus]

49. my arm is numb and i have shooting pains in my chest. should i be worried?

[Fenris]

50. I must warn you that my genitals developed on my chest.

[sus]

51. I wish you weren't a girl....

[Fenris]

52. You know, for a fat man you aren't very jolly.

[ewagner]

53. Can we stop at the mall on the way?

"I've got to pick up a new training bra".

[GOPisEvil]

55. French fries? Aren't you a little fat for fries? Have a salad instead.

[Fenris]

56. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Walter Mathau?

[sus]

57. and THAT's how I accidentally swallowed semen. just givin' you a heads up!

[sus]

58. actually...nevermind. that doesn't really apply.

[sus]

59. you are the weakest link!!!!!!!!!!

[GOPisEvil]

60. Why, yes...I did vote for George W. Bush, and I intend to again.

[sus]

62. I brought my new William Hung cd. Hope you don't mind if we listen to it!

over.

and over.

and over.

[Fenris]

63. I vomited in my car earlier today, so you might wanna sit in back.

[NewJeffCT]

64. Sus - I hope these aren't true stories

You have way too many of them...

[sus]

66. that's for me to know and for me to know!

:)

[sus]

65. I swear...this NEVER happens to me.

[GOPisEvil]

67. Oh wait...let me grab a rubber (wink, wink). Just in case.

[sus]

68. I'd like to begin by discussing my vague dissatisfaction..

[NewJeffCT]

69. not sure if it's a line...

But, I had a woman on a blind date start itching & scratching uncontrollably, in obvious discomfort. She said that she thought she was having an allergic reaction to the material in her new bra.

Needless to say, I never heard from her again.

[sus]

70. I just had a colonoscopy, so I'm a little gassy.

[sus]

71. gracious me, you PC feminists sure are defensive...

[King Of Paperboys]

73. "So, are you shaved? Down there? Because I totally dig that."

[arbusto_baboso]

77. Are you answering personal ads again?

[m-jean03]

78. THE BEST LOUNGE THREAD!!

Nearly every one of these has made me crack up. Thank you guys, you rock!!

:loveya: :loveya: :yourock:

[Skittles]

79. Vigorously scratch your crotch while saying

I'V BEEN TAKING PILLS FOR THIS FOR THREE WEEKS BUT THEY ARE NOT WORKING.

[Book Lover]

80. And I thought you were quoting Stewie!

I have never gone on a blind date, so I can't say. Gee, I have been really lucky! These stories shake my faith in any hope for humanity :-)