What are you going to do? Bleeeed on me?

[Coffee Coyote]

Monty Python quote frenzy!!! :bounce:

[Divernan]

1. What does he do? Nibble your buns off?

Re: Beware the killer rabbit!

[Systematic Chaos]

2. What do you mean, EWWWW?

I DON'T LIKE SPAM!

[GOPisEvil]

3. Why is it nobody remembers the name of

Johann Gambolputty de von
Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-
dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-
ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-
spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-
nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-
gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm

[MrBenchley]

4. If you are trying to imply that my sanity is not up to snuff

I shall have to ask you to listen to this--Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader!

[BurtWorm]

10. Half a bee

philosophically
must ipso facto
half not be.

[MrBenchley]

34. Cyril Connolly?

No, semi-carnally....

[Elidor]

5. Well it wouldn't be crunchy if we took the bones out, would it?

I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear Mama!!!

[ZenLefty]

6. No, no, it's spelled "Raymond Luxury Yacht"

but it's pronounced Throat Wobbler Mangroves.

[BigMcLargehuge]

7. Albatros!

No you don't get chips with it, it's a bleeding ALBATROS!!

[Zero Gravitas]

67. What flavor is it?

[mac56]

78. Flavor?!

It's bleeding ALBATROSS flavor!

[trof]

8. I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

<excursions and alarums: HUGE entrance by red caped inquisitors>
NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!

[meegbear]

9. Hello Miss? Whachu mean Miss? Sorry I have a cold.

[BigMcLargehuge]

11. British Railways person...

I DON'T NEED THIS JOB YOU KNOW! I'M A QUALIFIED BRAIN SURGEON."

[SOteric]

12. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again...

[trof]

50. OK, yours was better than mine.

I hate people with total recall.
;-)

[Richardo]

13. "The watch. The "Chinese" watch. Right. Goodbye.....

....Mother.

[CBHagman]

14. I'm off to play the grand piano!

N/T

[TlalocW]

15. My hovercraft

Is full of eels.
What?
My hovercraft (striking motion) is full of eels.
Oh, matches!
Yah, yah!
Do you waaaant... Do you waaant to come back to my place, bouncey-bouncey?

TlalocW

[KinkyDem]

16. Does she?

Well, does she? You know... Wink wink ... nudge nudge ... say no more, say no more... Does she huh, huh, does she...wink wink

[BigMcLargehuge]

18. Pho-to-gra-phy nudge nudge

snap snap grin grin could be, could be taken on holiday.

[BurtWorm]

19. A wink's as good as a nod

to a blind bat. Eh, squire?

[BigMcLargehuge]

23. Are you insinuating something?

come on... out with it.

[BigMcLargehuge]

17. Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it!

There's a multitude out there!!!

[SOteric]

20. Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords

is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! If I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

[BigMcLargehuge]

24. I thought we were an automamous collective...

.

[WoodrowFan]

39. Come see the oppression inherent in the system

"Come see the oppression inherent in the system!" "Help help I'm being repressed!"

[BigMcLargehuge]

45. Bloody peasant!

.

[WoodrowFan]

57. He Must be a king

There's no s--- on him.

[thom1102]

61. Now we see the violence inherent in the system

come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!-
Bloody Peasant!-
Oh, dead give away, that is! Did you see that? Did you see him repressing me?

[LearnedHand]

21. Not...Guil...CUP!

Right! Not guilcup! Next defendant.

[StaggerLee]

22. I fart in your general direction!

[BigMcLargehuge]

32. I wave my private parts at your aunties you...

silly emptyheaded, second hand, electric, donkey bottom biters!

[LearnedHand]

25. Well, they don't so much fly...

...as plummet!

[BigMcLargehuge]

26. Not much fun in Stalingrad, no...

if he opens his big mouth again, IT'S LAMPSHADE TIME!

[kmla]

27. Would you like...

... a wafer thin mint?

...But they are just wafer thin!

:puke:

[LearnedHand]

28. ...and

1: What's that on top of the telly-vision set?

(pause)

2: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

1: What's it doin' there?

[BigMcLargehuge]

29. You are Mary Queen of Scots?

I am...

Bang, smash, crash, boom, stab, crash, thump, slam,...

[WoodrowFan]

35. She's dead..

No I'm not.. (whap bang crash)

[Paragon]

30. ..................................................................

..........................it's:

[CO Liberal]

31. "And Now it is Time for the Penguin On Top of your Telly to Explode"

:nuke:

"'Ow'd 'e know that????"

[MrBenchley]

36. I wouldn't like that.....

It'd take the mystery out of life...

[mac56]

79. "It was an inspired guess."

nm

[rjbcar27]

33. You haven't asked me about the Limberger.

Is it worth it?

Could be.

Have you...SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOOKI UP!

Told you so.

Have you got any Limberger

No.

[BigMcLargehuge]

37. Do you , in fact, have any cheese here at all?

FWIW, my two favorite cheeses in that sketch are "Danish Bimbo" and "Venesuelan Beaver Cheese"

[rjbcar27]

41. It's my all time favourite sketch.

Simply sublime.

[WoodrowFan]

42. He's pining

he's pining for the fjords!

[BurtWorm]

46. "It was a pun."

"...A pun?"

"No-no-no, not a pun. Wass that thing that's spelled the same backwards as forwards?"

"...A palindrome?"

"Yeah, yeah! That's it! It was a palindrome!"

"That was not a palindrome! The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob."

[BigMcLargehuge]

47. I've got a slug.

.

[MrBenchley]

38. Put both hands up and go "Ow!"

No, it's "being hit in the head" lessons in here...

[rock]

40. Well, it's certainly clean of cheese!

"The Cheese Shop" sketch.

[SacredCow]

43. KABOOM...

Mrs Shazam: Oh, Mrs Nigger-Baiter's exploded.

Son: Good thing, too.

Mrs Shazam: She was my best friend.

Son: Oh, mother, don't be so sentimental. Things explode every day.

Mrs Shazam: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.

[Richardo]

44. BURMA!

I panicked.

[SiouxJ]

48. Welease Wodger!

:-)

[BigMcLargehuge]

49. We have no wodgers, no wodewick...

no wudolf the wed nosed weindeer...

[rjbcar27]

51. He's a wobber, and a wapist......and a pickpocket!

Shutup!

[BigMcLargehuge]

52. Pontiuth, Let me adreth the rabble...

Thitithenth of Rome...

[WoodrowFan]

Now he's having a go at the flowers!!

I used the life of Brian Sermon on the Mount scene in a Sunday School class once!

"Give it a rest!"

"Big Nose!"

"Well obviously he was refering to all makers of dairy products."

[BigMcLargehuge]

58. The Greek? Did anyone get his name?

I'm Brian and so is my wife!

[BigMcLargehuge]

59. What's that? He says the birds are scrounging...

.

[MrBenchley]

86. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Is not in this bit....

[BigMcLargehuge]

88. Silly bitch...

LOL

[BigMcLargehuge]

53. stwike him centuwion, vewy woughwy!

and throw him to the floor sir?

Yes, throw him to the flo-ow.

[rjbcar27]

54. Weely centuwion, I'm surpwised to see a man like you...

wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels!

Urrgh, a bit thundery sir.

[ProfessorGAC]

55. I Get Ta Fight Tha Lion!

Scott of the Antarctic!

"Chickie Baby, there are no lions in the antartic. (sic)"

"My contract says, I get ta fight tha lion!"

I love that sketch.
The Professor

[BigMcLargehuge]

56. ROFLOL!!!

Fighting the stuffed lion on the beach... I ma dying right now just thinking about it....

[ProfessorGAC]

60. Me, Too!

I've been laughing as i remember the whole sketch in my head. Just been in my office chuckling for the last 20 minutes or so.

Other quotes:

"I played Mrs. Julius Caesar in a trench. I played Mrs. Jesus Christ in a trench. Well, if you want someone to out of a trench, you can get yourself a goddamned stunt man."


"OK, Jimmy, paint the sand yellow again!"

And of course, the 60' tall penguin with the tentacles that go "Whhooooosshhhh."
The Professor

[terryg11]

75. the larch

how to recognize different types of trees from a long way away

the larch

[terryg11]

76. it's.... nt

s

[BigMcLargehuge]

77. The naughty bits of an ant.

how to recognize body parts.

[RedSox02]

94. Possibly the best Flying Circus skit ever!

Scott of the Antartic! But that's a tough call given how many great ones there were.

[Kat45]

62. Intercourse the penguin!

[thom1102]

63. "Take a look son...

One day, all this will be yours"
"What? The curtains?"

[BigMcLargehuge]

65. No not the curtains...

Everyone said I was crazy to build a castle in the swamp, but I showed them. I built one anyway. That castle sank into the swamp. So I built another. That one sank into the swamp too. The third one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But, the fourth one stayed up!

And that's what you're getting. The strongest castle in these parts!

[Zero Gravitas]

70. But I don't want land

-- We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get!

[BigMcLargehuge]

93. And no singing!

.

[Kat45]

64. The parrot is no more. It is an ex-parrot.

[thom1102]

66. "Old woman"

"Man"
"Sorry, but from behind you looked like a-"
"I'm Thirty-Seven."
"Pardon?"
"I'm Thirty-Seven, I'm not old!"
...
"You could have called me Dennis."
"I didn't know you were called Dennis."
"Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?"
"Oh, well I did apologize for the woman thing"
"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior"
"Well I am King"...

[BigMcLargehuge]

68. Oh king eh? Very nice, and how did youget that then?

By exploiting the workers...

[thom1102]

71. "By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma...

That perpetuates..."
"Dennis, there's some lovely filth over here. Oh, hello."
"Good day madam, do you know what knight lives in yonder castle?"

[BigMcLargehuge]

72. No one lives there...

.

[BurtWorm]

69. We hod it toof.

You tell young people these things today...they don't believe ya.

[BigMcLargehuge]

74. I had to get up every morning

at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 48 hours a day down mill, for four hundred and seventy six years, and when we got home our moms and dads would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluiah.

[thom1102]

73. "Would you get that for me Dierdre?"

[mac56]

80. "Charles... there's something I've got to tell you... "

"What is it, darling?"

"It's daddy ... he's turned into a Scotsman..."

[dwckabal]

81. She's a witch!

"She turned me into a newt!"

"A newt?"

(pause)

"I got better."

(crowd) "Burn her anyway!"

[thom1102]

82. Build a bridge out of her!

Throw her into the pond!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

83. I couldn't decide so lyrics are in order

Whenever life get you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough.
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enu-hu-hu-huuuuff!
Just - re-member that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
and revolving at 900 miles an hour,
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
the sun that is the source of all our power.
The Sun and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
of the Galaxy we call the Milky Way.
Our Galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars,
it's 100,000 light-years side-to-side,
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light-years thick,
but out by us it's just 3000 light-years wide.
We're 30,000 light-years from galactic central point,
we go round every 200 million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
in this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
in all of the directions it can whizz,
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
how amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
because there's bugger all down here on Earth.

[thom1102]

84. Here's a little something I tossed off in the john

[Zero Gravitas]

85. spam, loverly SPAM

Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

[HawkerHurricane]

98. Shut Up!

Stupid Vikings.

[kmla]

87. You can't expect to wield SUPREME executive power

just because some watery tart threw a sword at ya!

[Kamika]

89. From life of brian (the best movie)

Brian: You are all individuals!
The Crowd: We are all individuals!
lonely voice in the crowd: I'm not

-

And then when leader of the peoples front saying how they would all die for their cause

Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
small lonely voice in the back: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid

-

what did the romans ever give us?

Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace -- shut up!

EDIT : And alittle someting from Search for the holy grail

When they want to burn the witch.

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt? (the peasant is clearly a human being and not a newt)
Peasant: ...I got better

-

Well how to prove shes a witch?

Sir Bedevere: ..And what else floats in water?
Peasant #1: Churches!
Peasant #2: Small small rocks?

[RedSox02]

90. "First time offender? You'll probably get off with Crucifixion"

Maybe someone can tighten me up with the exact quote from Life of Brian.

[BigMcLargehuge]

95. Line on the left, one cross each...

We got loads of it in the ba----ck.

[RedSox02]

96. Hurry up! There are people waiting to be crucified over here!

Which one of you is Brian?

I'm Brian! And so is my wife!

[BigMcLargehuge]

97. Crucifixion's a dawdle...

.

[RedSox02]

91. Great thread, I have been laughing so hard

rememberign all of this stuff. There are no "favorites". There are too many.

[Richardo]

92. You're making me chortle out loud - fellow cubers wondering about me

again.

Thx, Kamika :D

[HawkerHurricane]

99. And now for something completly different:

A man with three buttocks.

[MercutioATC]

100. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries"

...now go away before I taunt you a second time...

[Astarho]

101. And Pointed Sticks!

nt