I don't think I can handle this

[SweetZombieJesus]

It's been a week and a day since my dad died, and ever since I got back to Kearney, I've been a wreck. I mean, I broke down and cried a few times when I was at home, but mostly I was pretty strong. People kept telling my mom how strong I was being, and I was, but as soon as I got back here, I started to fall apart. I barely summoned the energy to go to work and go to the store and get some stuff I need. I keep telling my friends I'll go out and get a drink with them or something, but all I want to do is sit here and do nothing. Every stupid little thing that goes wrong makes me start to freak out, and when I try to sleep, my brain starts spitting out all these surreal images and words and thoughts that make absolutely no sense. It's not scary stuff really, it just makes so little sense that I fear I'm losing my mind.

I just don't know what to do, and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

[luigi8888]

1. See a therapist.

Seriously.

[neuvocat]

3. Agreed

[SweetZombieJesus]

15. Not really an option at the moment

No health insurance anymore. We were covered by Dad's health insurance through the railroad, but not anymore.

I keep trying to tell myself that he'd want me to be strong and turn my life around, but it's still too early.

[lynndew2]

52. He would want you to be strong but

He would also be proud of how deep your feelings are for him. I lost my Father aound 20 years ago and it was the hardest thing I ever experienced. You will never get over it but you will learn to be ok with it. Things will forever come up that remind you but hopefully that will work more for the good times and things you experienced together. Feel free to let your emotions flow and dont worry what others think. I was an emotional wreck for a while and people who care for you WILL understand.

I am so sorry you had this loss but it is something most of us do have to come to terms with. Dont feel you cant grieve and please allow yourself whatever measures you need to do it on your own timeline. You will be fine in time and please know that that is the truth.

You will be fine and know that most everyone will understand. My thoughts, as I think most are, are with you and let it out and it will be ok. Trust me. Sorry for your loss.

[neuvocat]

54. There might be some sort of crises team

or hotline you can contact. There's a lot of good social services out there that might be able to help.

Seriously, you might be clinically depressed. People have been sent to the ER for emotional breakdowns.

[blm]

2. Sweets...you're SUPPOSED to do that.

True grief does feel like you're losing your mind. It's just as important to your mental health as great joy.

[JitterbugPerfume]

9. bim is right

But it does get better with time . To lose someone you love is a very traumatic thing

It does get better, I promise

Here's a (((hug))))

[berner59]

16. This is normal....

It's only been a week and now it's just settling in since you probably had to go through the funeral and family gatherings... This is what grief is...and it's ok to feel lost and out of control...a piece of your heart has been ripped away... It will get better but give yourself some time and use his memories to give you strength.

It's been 2yrs. since my Dad died suddenly and it's still hard at times...but life does go on and I use his life lessons to guide me...

[dflprincess]

40. Amen - everything you're feeling is normal

Talk about your feelings to your friends and, most importantly, don't deny your feelings, you have a right to them. It's not going to stop hurting overnight. My dad has been dead 38 years and most the time I can remember him with a smile but, even after so many years, once in a while it will hurt like it just happened. I once heard Rose Kennedy say that time does heals, but it also leaves scar tissue.

I was raised Catholic and I've often thought it's too bad all religions don't have the custom of sitting Shiva. You'd be allowed to sit for a week and mourn in peace without having to worry about the everyday stuff.

Take care of yourself, it's okay to be selfish right now.

[molly]

4. You will - when my mom died a few years ago - and we all

knew it was coming - I would find myself on the subway and forget that she was gone. I would think that I needed to call her to tell her something and then remember that I couldn't and then I would start to cry. We were not close before for many years, but her death - even tho we knew - hit me hard. Time will heal....

[oustemnow]

46. agreed

when my grandmother passed away a few years ago--and it was inevitable thing, but from the time she began to take the final bow until the time she passed away was more sudden than anyone expected--every time the phone rang, I half-hoped, despite all evidence to the contrary, that it was my grandma calling to talk to me. This was after the funeral, the wake, everything, throughout which I managed to remain strong.

Then there were the dreams, where she was still alive, but just barely, and I was trying to keep her alive.

Though I'm not particulraly close to either of my parents, I can't imagine what it will be like when one of them passes away.

My best wishes are with you, Zombie. Take some small comfort for the time being that it does get better eventually.

[never cry wolf]

5. Yeah, a counseller wouldn't hurt

But a night out with friends helps too. Tip a few cold ones, flirt a little, shoot some pool or darts, live life. You also have friends here, as I have seen over the past few weeks.

[AnnabelLee]

6. While you were being "strong" for your mother,

you were delaying your own grieving process, & it is now beginning. I wish I could say something to make this easier for you, or to make it go away. If you become so despondent that you cannot make yourself get out of the house & take care of the things in your life that you have to, you should seek counselling.

[eyesroll]

7. (((szj)))

Just know that what you're going through is normal. Your mind and body do weird things when you're under stress.

Take some time if you need it.

[KCDem]

8. take care of yourself,

and try to get out with your friends. Sitting around doing nothing will just make your pain worse. Let your friends be there for you, and, like some others suggested, get a therapist.

[Booberdawg]

10. The difficult time is just starting

When I lost my son it wasn't until AFTER the week of unending activity and constant company that I finally had a minute to be alone with my own thoughts and I completely broke down and just sobbed for hours. It's a necessary part of the process however.

Drinking probably isn't a good idea.

Just talking to people is a good way to process the feelings. I also found a therapist very helpful, and I highly recommend it.

Take care my friend.

[bigendian]

11. Thinking of you.

:kick:

[Ilsa]

12. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom almost three years ago and only recently have I not picked up the phone to call her with a story about the kids. These things take time.

Is there a group that specializes in grieving near you? It could be a free support group, or perhaps some therapists have very low rates associated with group therapy.

I don't think you are going crazy, I think you are feeling the acuteness of the loss. Everything bothering you might be a sign of depression, and you might want to be a little extra careful about how you respond to things publicly, especially at work, unless your situation at work isn't a problem for you. You don't want your stress pissing off the wrong people. (I've had to be careful about htis sort of thing myself.)

I hope things go better with each passing week.

[Shakeydave]

13. Lost my mother a couple years ago!

What you're going through is part of the process. Let it go when you feel it and reign it in when you don't! Your mind and body will give you the signals! :loveya:

[no_hypocrisy]

14. Trust me on this one: every morning it gets easier to get up.

Love your father and his memories. They will always be with you.

Go out when you are ready and not before. Try writing down your feelings. It has helped me with the death of my mother last month.

Big hugs and trust you will arise from your grief as a better person.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. I held it together pretty good when my dad died

I am the strong one in my family that everybody expects will not fall apart.

So I was driving down the street playing a Sam Cooke CD..and the song "A Change is Gonna Come" began playing...and I began wailing like a baby.

My dad had been blind, in a wheelchair and needing everything a baby needed for five years prior to his death. Sundays was always my day with him ( I took care of him every evening as well but took Sundays as my day to put on Benny Goodman music and kind of bring him back to happier times)

After he died, I woke up one Sunday and left to go do stuff..it kept bugging me like there was something I wasn't getting done..then it dawned on me that I had spent so many Sundays caring for him that THAT'S what wasn't getting done...I went to the cemetary and put flowers on his grave.

As a Jew, we choose shiva (grieving time) I chose a year for my father..he gave me life..I gave him a year to experience out all that grief and all the places where I thought I either cut him short, didn't listen or let him down combined with all the times I thought I didn't acknowledge him and all he gave me. It was very worthwhile.

Conscious grieving makes a difference.

Get some flowers and put them in the house. As they die, clean out the bouquest until the last one is standing.
Little practices like this that make you aware of the cycle of life, decay and death can be very valuable.

and keep communicating.

I still can't put on the Benny Goodman CD's without becoming a wreck (or Cab Calloway)

[Cheswick2.0]

44. Shiva is a wonderful idea

I have thought for awhile, (ever since not grieving for my father), that I wished I had grown up with the tradition of Shiva. It would have given me some direction. Maybe I would have controlled the grieving over my marriage and spent some time on my father instead. As it was the grief over my marriage pushed everything else out of my life for several years.

My father, my step-father (a whole other story) My Ex father in law (a wonderful man), My Ex Grandfather in law and my grandfather all died with in a 6 year time span and right in the middle of it my divorce happened. Every single man that meant something to me in my life died(except my sons).

Some direction in the grieving process would have helped me.

[roughsatori]

18. I'm assuming you're an atheist

and I'm sure it might shock some, but if you are not an atheist consider the old fashioned method and talk to a Rabbi, Priest, Minister,or Monk. And if you are an agnostic it might help you in ways you might not think possible.

Short term grief counseling works well for many people, both Religious and secular.

[SweetZombieJesus]

22. Not an athiest, but there is no minister for my personal belief system

Since I cobbled it together from things I like the idea of, it's not like there's anyone outside myself I can go to about it. There isn't any scripture or anything to illuminate my path.

I should be doing my laundry and cleaning my room, but I'm sitting here watching some shitty hack comic on Comedy Central because I'm too out of it to get up and get the remote. I'm broke, I'm fat, and I have no girlfriend, and I know there are a LOT of people who have it worse than I do, but that makes it worse. Between my dad, my ex-girlfriend, and all the scary, horrible shit going on in the news, it feels like things will never get better.

By the way, I'm on AIM as DUSZJ if anyone feels like messaging me. I could use the company.

[KCDem]

28. are there any Unitarian Universalist churches in Kearney?

In case you aren't familiar with UUs, they're basically a supportive group of people from all walks of life and all faiths, including none, who like the social aspect of church, learning about various belief systems, and exploring their own philosophies. I'd bet that UU pastor would accept your personal belief system for what it is, and s/he'd be a great ear. And bonus--these people are almost always liberals, and, my guess is that in Kearney, you don't have a lot of them.

Good luck!

[SweetZombieJesus]

32. I don't think there's anything like that here

I wish there were, because I know it would help, but I'm lucky we even have a decent bookstore in this town.

I was going to go buy the Mr. Show Season 3 DVD at Wal-Mart, but they don't have it, and it's completely stupid how disappointed I am about that fact. It's just a damn TV show, but I'm sitting here whining about it.

[carpetbagger]

38. Kearney Unitarian Universalist Fellowship

It's only got ten members, but it does exist.

http://h5.uua.org/CongDir/CongShow.asp?state=NE&submit3=GO%21

[SoCalDem]

19. Remember THIS.. It Takes as long as it TAKES..

You are NOT SUPPOSED to "just get over it".. To do that would dishonor his memory.. He meant a lot to you, you loved him, and now he's gone.. Why WOULD you "feel ok or feel better" after such a short time..

Just like a cut... It bleeds, and it hurts, and even after it forms a scab, it will still bleed if you bump it..

Don't force your "recovery"....

Call a hospital and see if they have any grief therapy groups.. sometimes it helps to talk with other people who are in the same situation..

[madfloridian]

20. That is normal, you will be ok.

It does not feel normal. I just know so many who have gone through it. I am not one to cry, just not my nature. But at the loss of my parents, I did. I had my principal warn the teachers not to sympathize with me when I got back to school a few days after the funeral. I would have fallen apart.

Gradually I was able to talk without the tears.

[MaryBear]

21. Give yourself some time, SZJ.

Force yourself to go out, or have someone in, if that helps. Are you in a town that has grief groups? Hospice programs sometimes have groups open to all. Check out your local mental health agency. If religious, talk to a person at your church/synagogue. They may be able to refer you. If not religious check out Unitarian church and its minister who can also refer or perhaps support you. Groups can be a big help. Reach out, like you are doing here. You will get through this. Give yourself time.

{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}

[Marlie]

30. Hugs from me too...

Men somehow are always forced to be strong, not cry, etc.
Well, cry all you want, yell, whatever it takes but don't
hold your emotions in - let them out and don't feel stupid
for doing it. We're all the same when we lose someone we
dearly love, the hurt is almost unbearable at first. Time
heals all wounds - but not quickly. The important thing is
not to hold those overwhelming feeling inside, whatever it
takes, let them out. The first week you stayed strong for
your mom, now it's your time to truly grieve - you're not going
crazy, grief just makes you feel that way. They do have
grief hot lines or groups which really can help and they are
free. Another hug.

[KC21304]

23. A few months before my mother died

I started having anxiety attacks and slight depression. It took almost a year before I felt really normal. Any Dr. can give you something for anxiety and it isn't expensive. I only took them at night and just knowing I had them made me feel better and I didn't need them often.

Hope you can find some relief soon. I know that feeling when you are trying to go to sleep and your mind starts racing with weird thoughts.

[Sapphocrat]

24. Give in.

First, you're not losing your mind -- this is so WAY normal, be relieved it's coming.

Second, somebody who once did lose her mind (we're talking Girl Interrupted, padded cell, strait-jacket, the works) gave me some very good advice: If you ever are in danger of losing your mind, it's a lot less painful just to give in to it than to try and fight it.

But you are NOT losing your mind.

In fact, I wish I'd gotten to that depth of grief as quickly as you might be, SJZ. It can be even worse (and scarier) when it takes months -- or years -- to move from shock & denial to sheer grief.

So go ahead and hurt. Keep asking for support, and don't deny that it feels like you're going nuts -- but give in and let yourself feel it. Don't fight it.

To paraphrase an old movie line, God gave us tears for a reason.

It's a cleansing process. And you are as "normal" (whatever that is) as anybody else born human.

And when you're past the worst of it (and that WILL come, as impossible as it seems right now), you'll come out of it with even more compassion for other people who are at the apex of their own pain. That's not much of a consolation, and it makes up for absolutely nothing... but if there is ever any "reason" for tragedy, then this may be it: Someday you may be able to use memories of your own darkest days to help someone else see there's something beyond that black tunnel.

And to try to make them understand they're not going crazy either.

Major, MAJOR hugs to you, guy.

[carpetbagger]

25. Did you expect that it would be any different?

That's a serious question. I mean, people in many cultures are still wailing mightily eight days out from the death of a parent. You won't feel mostly normal for a few months, even in the best circumstances.

BTW, welcome to the man thing. You keep the stiff upper lip, and break down once you're alone. That's what I did when my dad died. That's what stairwells in public buildings are for. It'd be nice if our culture were a little more tolerant of other methods, but that's what we're supposed to do. So do it. The alternative is not to feel any emotion. Not feeling emotion is how men do horribly after loss.

[SweetZombieJesus]

27. That's just it, I had no idea what to expect

Even when I heard about Allison dying, I felt bad, but nothing like this. I've NEVER had to deal with anything like this, and my only reference point is fucking TV shows and movies. That's the stupid, stupid thing about my generation: Most of our behavior is learned from the god damned TV. When something real and complicated happens, we don't know how to act or what to do.

[carpetbagger]

36. It's said that most of us get to middle age without sig. losses.

You won't get much help from the TV. I've seen very few realistic deaths on TV. The only one that stands out is the death of ER Dr. Mark Green from brain cancer. Print media's a little better, since it allows the time to flesh things out.

I'm not a particular afficionado of self-help, but some decently written narratives from other folks about their losses might be the ticket, if you're looking for a range of what to expect. Get yourself a copy of UU World from Jan/Feb 2001 if you can . There's a number of good articles of fathers and fatherhood, including an article by Neil Chethik on the losses of fathers. He also wrote a book called Fatherloss. You can get it on Amazon.com for $4.19 plus shipping. I've got the article if you can't find it: email me and I can snail-mail it.

I apologize that I had forgotten about Allison. If I remember correctly, you expressed at the time that you felt that it was surreal. If that's the case, you'll probably be grieving her loss as well as your father's loss. If that's the case, it's probably overdue. Or, it may just be that you reached closure with her a long time ago, and the loss is truly that of an acquaintence.

[redwitch]

58. it wouldn't matter if you studied the concept forever

when a beloved dies, you grieve and it is raw and terrible and frightening. The only way to avoid the pain is to not love at all, and a life without love is simply not an option. Kahlil Gibran said ( I'll paraphrase because I can't find the quote). Something to the effect of- when we are grieving we should look into our hearts and see that we weep for that which has been our delight. Trust taht someday you will feel better and will celebrate his life without feeling the terrible grief of losing him. -Big hug from redwitch who lost her dad on November 20th, 1998

[carpetbagger]

29. Oh, and hallucinations are normal, too.

So call your mom tomorrow and tell her you're ok, and you're thinking about her. Then go for a nice long car ride and have a good cry.

[soleft]

26. You're grieving a terrible loss

It's a sign that you are a feeling, compassionate, alive human being. To lose a parent and not feel this pain would mean there was a part of you that was shut down.

I hope that you can be as compassionate with yourself as you would a good friend who was suffering, and that you allow yourself access to all resources and comfort available.

You will get to the other side of this. Just hang in there.

[searchingforlight]

31. There is so much good advice from caring people here for you.

I can only add two things. Take a walk at least once a day. Remember to breathe.

My thoughts are with you.

[ronnykmarshall]

33. It's normal.

Don't think you're losing it. I lost my dad last year and my brother in 1989. Thinking that everything is going to be OK in a flash is not going to happen. Let yourself be sad, mad, pissed off, freaked out, happy or what the fuck you wanna be! It's part of the process. You are HUMAN. I went for weeks without sleeping much when Dad died. I miss him to this day. When my brother was dying I held it in and finnally lost it. It's not something that will change overnight. You're going thru the normal process.

Big cyber hugs, my friend. It ain't fun, but it also ain't easy.

[greekspeak]

34. Your experience sounds eerily similar to my situation when

my last grandmother died in December of 2000. I not only thought surreal images, I lived a few. Christmas was hell that year. When I am facing stress I have some special places I go in imagination, so to speak. Well, for a while after my grandmother died, I started to live them. I love the cool, cocktail party scene. I started wearing vintage clothes, and bought some saddle shoes. I drank probably too much. I listened heavily to music I never would, and ordered a bunch of music that is so kitchy that it is almost trippy. I was withdrawn somewhat. I spent a lot of time at the piano. I was in a deep blue funk for 4 months.

But I can tell you the very minute I snapped out of it. I was at dinner in a nice Italian restaurant in Eureka Springs, AR. There were a lot of people I was dining with, including a lesbian couple. On of the lesbians was not too bright. She spilled water in her lap, and announced to the restaurant, as innocent as a lamb, "I'm all wet down there." Then when she realized what she had said, she added, "not like that!" to which the very "gay" waiter quipped, "oh, sure, honey, we know what you mean!" It was like a hypnotist snapped his or her fingers and brought me out of a transe. I laughed like I hadn't in MONTHS and felt so much better.

Another piece of advice...lean on your freinds. If they are good freinds, they will make your grieving a lot easier. Freinds have a way of sensing when you need them most. Whatever you do, don't shut them out.

I don't know you, but I do wish I could give you a big hug because i know how much it hurts.

[HalfManHalfBiscuit]

35. The exact thing happend to me when my Mom died

I would go through periods of being actually catatonic. During the first couple of weeks, I would sit and stare at nothing during the day and couldn't sleep at night. It was so strong, I could feel it physically. I could not think straight for the first (non-drugged) time of my life. I was temporarily losing my mind.

What helped for me was forcing myself to go back to work after a while (Luckily I have a very cool boss). At least my days were occupied. And calling my brother and sister. But I could not sleep at night for a while. I would only nod off when I could hear the early commuter traffic starting (4-5 am). Something about the world starting the day and the end of the nightime silence.

My insomnia gradually went away. From every night to a few nights a week to one night a week to once a month. It probably sounds lame to you now, but time does heal.

I remember thinking to myself that basically every adult has had a close family member die. They eventually got through it, so I figure I would too. It is just a tough part of life.

I still (5 years later) think of my Mom every day, but it has evolved more to good thoughts than sadness. Although sometimes I still cry.

It will get better. The best to you and your family.

[Astarho]

37. My advice

just get through the day. I remember when my grandmother died last year I found myself thinking about it often. I had trouble sleeping when my boss died about six years ago.

Fu*k tomorrow, Fu*k next week, One day at a time.

[eleny]

39. If there's a hospital near enough

call to see if there are any grief counselling groups that they sponsor. They are often free. They will know if there are any nearby your area. If this works out, I'd suggest you see someone there one on one at first and maybe by phone every so often. They also have groups if and when you're ready. Meantime, they can give you all sorts of things to refer to, to think about and such.

Materials to help you deal with grief and grieving may also be all over the net, too. I found certain grieving excercises so helpful after my mom died over 2 years ago. It can take some time before you don't get grabbed by that overwhelming sadness. After a while, it becomes familiar as it creeps into your feelings. You can sense it coming over you like a veil. Sometimes, I'd just give in to it because it was stronger than I was.

Little by little, I reclaimed myself. Now, I do things with joy and sometimes accomplish things with my mom in mind. But at first, I told everyone that I wanted at least a year to grieve - the way people did decades ago. Everyone knew that it was not acceptable for them to say "get over it", no matter how gently they wanted to phrase it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Mother's are precious. One thing I did was to make a little piece of vintage styled art in her memory. I used an old poem I found and added my own designs. It stays on my site and you can read or donwload and print it. Here's the url -

http://www.incurableart.com/mothersday/md.htm

Eleny

[kimchi]

41. You are doing exactly what you should be doing.

And you will get through this, forever changed by your interaction with your dad and your reactions to your grief.

Its all so normal to die somewhat yourself. But you will regenerate, I promise. You are only going nuts enough so that you don't really go nuts. Humans are so wonderfully complex that way.

Honor your father in whatever way you think is best, and in your own time. In the long space of remembering and dealing with it, lean on your friends. And please consider that DU is here for you, a huge network of people who care.

[supernova]

42. It's called GRIEF

Get used to it. It will be your constant companion for a while. Don't try to escape it or deny it. At least for a while, don't force yourself to do things if you're genuinely not interested. You'll know when it's time to pick up your life again.

People give all the platitudes: "You're being so strong." "Hang in there." "They've gone to a better place." "Is there anything I can do for you?"

When I first started hearing those platitudes myself, I just wanted to rip peoples' faces off, I was so angry. How can you fucking say such superficial things knowing I have this gaping maw of emptiness in my life now?

But as I lived with my grief for awhile, I realized that people say those things because they don't know what else to say. All the conventional stuff is there as kind of social place holders. It's a way for everybody to acknowledge the loss without having to always come up with the hard words that nobody wants to say. Don't believe me? Watch "Six Feet Under" sometime. It's all there in it's absurdist, misbegotte, and well-meaning glory.

And I learned to be more patient and forgiving of others responses to my grief. I realized that no matter how hard we try, we can never fully understand another's pain. And I learned to be patient with myself. To tell you the truth, I was at a loss to explain my feelings for quite a while. No words seemed adequate.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just feel and do what you have to do to live through this time. Cry, scream, bang on the walls, whatever it is that you do to let it out. And don't let anybody else tell you what you're supposed to be doing.

I survived it. You can to SZJ.

[Individualist]

43. As others have said, you're normal SZJ

After my mother died, I told a friend who's an RN that I thought I was losing my mind. Fortunately she reassured me that was not the case. What you're going through is part of grieving, and that feeling of losing your mind won't last indefinitely.

[Cheswick2.0]

it will get better, please take care of yourself

go outside, take a walk. Don't hole up in your cave for too long.

[SweetZombieJesus]

45. I hope you people know how fucking amazing you all are

I'm about to get my fat ass up and do some laundry, grab some late dinner, and maybe do some writing before bed. Thanks to everyone who messaged me or posted here, all of your input has been extremely valuable. I'm feeling a lot better right now, and I have you all to thank for it.

Have a good night everyone. Thanks for all your messages.

[Skittles]

47. YOU CAN HANDLE IT AND YOU WILL

SweetZ, go see a doctor and tell him/her what is happening. I had to do this when my dad committed suicide and my doctor helped. DO IT.

[maxanne]

48. breathe, breathe, breathe

SweetZombieJesus - grief is so hard - and we don't come with an instruction book. The best way through is forward, and that means feeling all your feelings. It's tough, and it's painful, but I promise you, you will come out on the other side, and you'll be a stronger person.

There is no timetable for grief - no rhyme or reason. It just is. Don't beat yourself up for it.

I hope that you have at least one friend (the kind of friend you can tell anything to) to talk to. It's important to let people love you right now. Sometimes our reaction is to try and be tough, but what we really need to do is allow ourselves to be loved, and cared for.

You will get through this, SZJ.

[Oreegone]

49. Kearney...... my condolences....

My relatives from Kearney just left.....It is not the most sympathetic place. and hey I have so many relatives there, you may be one of them.....But remember the darkest hour is just before the dawn......and as several people pointed out there are some neat people there to help you out even if its 10 of them...that is a lot when you are grieving.....our thoughts are with you......rest, be good to yourself and be thankful for your life......

[Syrinx]

50. It's coming up on 11 months since my dad died

He found out he had cancer, then died two days later. It was all very sudden and traumatic for both me and my mom. I'm not good at this stuff, but I just want to tell you that things will get a little easier with time. The first several days, it didn't really hit me at all. It seemed that it made no difference to me, I just went on like normal. Later, I realized that I had been in shock, and just went into complete and total depression for several weeks. Now it seems back to normal, but every now and then it will still just hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll actually bawl my eyes out for a while... and I've never been a "crier." I loved my dad. But another thing about it is when you have someone so close to you die like that, it reminds you of your own mortality. Death has always been my number one fear, and that really brings it home. Like I said, I suck at this. I started out writing this to want to try to make you feel better, but I realize that isn't really possible, because I'm still hurting myself, and I guess I always will. I guess I can say this to you: You are not alone! Death is the most painful thing about life. And it always will be. I hope there's something afterwards. You are among friends brother, even me, I'm your friend, even though we've had little if any direct talks on this board. Try to think good thought, and yes I know it's easy to say.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

51. There's a book that I keep coming back to

when my life hits its low points. It's called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. She teaches how to appreciate grief and despair.

If you have time to read it, I really recommend it.

~hugggggggs~

[Kool Kitty]

53. I am so sorry.

You think you won't get through this, but you will. What you're feeling is normal. It's grief, and it hurts, and it takes time to heal. You will.

[DemExpat]

55. I feel sad for you, SZJ....recognition and all.......

but rest assured that all the feelings you describe are natural and normal, no matter how truly awful they feel.

I discovered that the more I LET myself cry, grieve, do nothing (except the essentials), the faster I got 'over it'.....

And the advice to take a walk, take a drive, breathe through it all, all are excellent IMO.

Writing my feelings and thoughts down 'ad hoc' in a journal have also helped me thru traumas....

:hi:

DemEx

[Bake]

56. You've got a friend

You may think of us as just blips in cyberspace, but we care. You've got friends here, my friend. It's OK to hurt. There are no magic words to make it better. But it's OK. Just remember that you're not alone. A lot of us here give a damn. Let it hurt. Let yourself cry. It will get better. Right now it may not seem so, and that's OK too. We're here for you.

Bake

[supernova]

57. Listening to Warren Zevon's latest

right now on NPR. Fucking brilliant. For anyone who doesn't know, this is his swansong. He's dying of lung cancer.

SZJ, this might be another form of release for you. Indulging the arts was a tremedous help and therapy for me. Hugs.

http://www.npr.org/programs/wesat/index.html (Audio available this afternoon)

[Bossy Monkey]

59. Everything you're saying is perfectly normal

It'll get better every day. Tell your friends about it if you can't afford therapy. They'll be supportive; that's why they're your friends. Go out as much as you can; don't feel bad that it's hard to have fun at first. Think of your dad and honor his memory and don't worry. Grieving's hard, but soon you'll find that the pain recedes and you're left with the happy memories. Kick for more sympathy.

[Rabrrrrrr]

60. Been there, done that.

I wouldn't begin to worry about it at all unless you're equally in the same shape a month from now. I think it's premature to suggest therapy - though it would likely help, I'd not suggest it yet. Grief takes many forms. Assume it will take you about a year to fully get into the groove again - that's pretty normal, take a month or two. And for now, give it a month for the first real waves of anguish to kick in and go through.

I found when my Dad died that during the week of the funeral and making planning and preparation, I kind of led the ship, so to speak, for my mom and sister and rest of the family, so for me I had basically no real time to start grieving until a few days after the funeral, and then not even fully until a month later when I went back home, since in the meantime I was also busy helping mom with the lawyers and insurance and the will and the estate and etc. and helping get her finances in order and all that jazz.

So I'd say, since you just came back to your own place, give it some time. Embrace the shitty feelings, acknowledge them, appreciate them, and let them be what they need to be. All the anger at your father you might, for what he did and also for dying (and anger at someone just for dying is natural and normal), let it out andacknowldege it, and don't beat yourself up for it - it's a beautiful thing to be honest, and it does your father no disrespect at all. All your joys taht you rmember, write it down or share it with familty. Feel free to gather the family and talk about your father, or call your mom, and talk to her; let her be angry, too, and also share the joys. And in time, your feelings won't so much go away as become your constant companion and source of energy, and one of your life memories of and responses to your father's life, in good honor. Dad's been gone 9 years already, and I still have moments that remind me dstrongly of him, and the pain and the loss come back, but every time it happens it also becomes a little easier to deal with.

Don't worry unless you're still feeling the same way, at the same amplitude as now, with the same lack of fucntionality, a month or two from now. Then you might have something that needs a therapist or pastoral counseling or whatever the equivalent would be in your life. But right now, you have absolute full permission to be useless, to feel sad and angry and everything else, to want to go home at the end of the day and talk to no one, be with no one, and do nothing. Totally normal, totally okay.

I appreciate that you had and have such deep feelings for father. Must have been quite a guy, much like you!

[Hell Hath No Fury]

61. Lots of good advice here...

glad to hear that it is helping you. :)

As mentioned by others here, support, support, support is critical for you right now. I too am without health insurance but have managed to get some help through my city services. I would pull out the phone book and start looking through mental health/crises resources and start calling -- they can point you in the direction of free/low cost grief counseling/groups. There ARE resources out there that can help you understand and get through this time.

There is a good book that I recommend picking up -- I think the title is "Surviving the Death of a Loved One" -- it demystifies the death/grieving process and is invaluable during times like these.

Something I learned in therapy -- don't be afraid to REALLY grieve. Now that you have gone through the period where you HAD to be strong for your family, it's time to take care of yourself. Allow yourelf to REALLY feel just how badly it has hit you -- sob, wail, do whatever you have to to physicalize the feeling and get it out of your body. Commit to the grieving and let it rip through you. Talk to your Dad and let him know how much you miss him and how badly you're feeling, tell him everything you weren't able to when he was alive. When you cry, your diaphram is massaged which helps relax you and the release of tears helps change the chemicals in your body to also relax you. You may have to do this for months -- and that is okay and perfectly normal. But really allowing yourself to grieve can shorten the overall time of the process -- it's when you stifle the grief or try to avoid it is when you can get into serious trouble.

And take the time to do lots of things that bring you healing and solace -- whether it's spending time in nature, with friends, or in front of the tube watching Comedy Central.

Good luck to you --

Hell