Really, truly bad puns.

[greatauntoftriplets]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire and we'll never know for whom the Tells Bowled.

An anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the help of the tribal medicine man who pointed out that the fronds of a certain fern were a sure cure for constipation. When the anthropologist expressed doubts, the shaman looked him in the eye and said, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s, the Tate Watch Co. of Mass. wanted to produce other products. They chose to produce compasses for the pioneers traveling west. Their watches had been excellent, but the compasses were so unreliable that people often ended up in Mexico or Canada. Thus the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost."

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom fixtures. A spokesman was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(credit goes to the Car Talk guys)

[OrdinaryTa]

1. The Anthropologist

The anthropologist was introduced to the chief and his squaws. Two of the squaws were plain looking and sat cross-legged on donkey hides. The third was rouged and bejeweled and sat cross-legged on a hippopotamus hide. The anthropologist asked the chief about the difference in the status of his wives. "Oh yes," he replied. Pointing to the third squaw, he said, "She is the queen. She's worth as much as the other two put together." So the anthropologist wrote in his notebook: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

[bleedingheart]

2. snort snort...love that one...

[TlalocW]

3. A few years ago...

in my small town, there was only one florist, and he made out like a bandit. Then one day, some friars started building a monastery outside of town and opened up their own flower shop and started undercutting the other guy's prices by a lot. He begged and pleaded with the friars to stop selling them so cheaply because he was going bankrupt, but the friars wouldn't listen as they were raising money to complete work on the monastery. So the florist went and got the biggest guy in town, Hugh, to go out and intimidate them, which is what he did. He knocked them around a bit and burnt down their monastery. Soon the original florist was back on his feet again as the friars quickly left the area.

The moral of the story is: Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

TlalocW

[rock]

4. DId you hear about the African American police officer

who arrested a guy who was cooking some marijuana stew? It as a very famous case: the case of the black calling the kettle pot.

[FloridaJudy]

5. A Frog Hops into a Bank

and asks to speak to the Loan Officer.

He is escorted to the office of Ms. Patricia Mack, chief loan officer. The frog hops onto the chair in front of her desk, and states he wants to apply for a loan of $100,000. Ms. Mack is taken a bit aback.

"Well", she remarks, "We've never had a frog ask for a loan before! What do you need $100,000 for?"

The frog heaves a deep sigh. "My name is Kermit Jagger, and I'm the illegitimate son of Mick Jagger and a super-model. I wasn't always a frog; an Evil Witch cast a spell on me. Frogs don't live long, and I've always wanted to sail around the world. I want to buy a sailboat and fulfill my dream before I die".

Ms. Mack looks sympathetic, but states "we always ask for collateral before making a loan of that size. What can you offer?"

The frog pulls a small figurine of an elephant out of his briefcase. "This is a rare Ming Dynasty artifact; it was a birthday gift from my father. Southeby's has appraised it at $500,000. You could call them to confirm it. Better yet, take it to your bank president - he's an old friend of my dad's and will vouch for me".

The Loan Officer picks up the elephant and marches into the Bank President's office. She places the artifact on his desk and says "You're probably not going to believe this, but a frog just hopped into my office...". She finishes the story with "...and he offered this as collateral. What on earth is it?"

The Bank President studies the miniature elephant, before relying:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone".

[nyrnyr1994]

6. How about the guy who lost his job...

at the quarry mine...he took his job for granite...

[berry]

7. You did say you wanted BAD puns (some people here

told some quite excellent ones--for a pun). Well, these I think are truly awful:

1) Q: What's the difference between a bird with one wing an a bird with two wings?
A: It's a matter of a pinion.

2) A man accidentally dropped his wallet over the side of his boat and was lamenting his loss, when to his amazement, he saw that it had been caught by a giant carp. The carp then tossed it to another carp. And it was tossed back and then forth, again and again. He was amazed because he had never seen carp to carp walleting before.

[polmaven]

8. Whats the difference between

an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea?

The epileptic corn husker shucks between fits...the hooker...well, I'll let you figure out the rest....

[never cry wolf]

9. An oldie with a new victim

What's the difference between Man Coulter and the Panama Canal?

The Panama Canal is a busy ditch!

[MIScott87]

10. Not GREAT ones, but still good.

(Mine, that is, not yours. Yours are actually good.)

"Am I late for the cannibal party?"
"Yes, everybody's eaten."

"Are your blinds drawn?"
"No, tyhey're real."

Where do eskimos vote?
At the north poll.

[newyawker99]

11. Hi MIScott87!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[Wickster]

12. This one is a REAL groaner!

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

(Sorry, I couldn't help it)