Thursday morning airline humor

[trof]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Robb]

1. Here's a classic

I saved this when I found it, apologies I have no credit:

----

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign ÒSpeedbird 206Ó:

Speedbird 206: ÒTop of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.Ó

Ground: ÒGuten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.Ó

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: ÒSpeedbird, do you not know where you are going?Ó

Speedbird 206: ÒStand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.Ó

Ground (with arrogant impatience): ÒSpeedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?Ó

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop.Ó

----

:)

As they say, when I die, I'd like to die quietly in my sleep, like my father; not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

[trof]

2. Heard similar

by an American Airlines pilot in Munich.
"The last time I was here I was in a P-51 and they wouldn't let me land."
Good story, true or not.

Here's another chestnut:

Lufthansa 700 is taxiing out at JFK, a dozen aircraft in line behind.
Approaching the runway, tower clears them for take-off.
No answer.
They stop short of the runway.
"Lufthansa 700, you are cleared for take-off."
Still no answer.
"I say again - LUFTHANSA 700 YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE-OFF."
"Stand by vun, tower. Ve are haffing a little problem."
A minute goes by.
"What's the problem, Lufthansa? There's quite a line behind you."
"Ve cannot get de passenger head count to tally vith the manifest. Ve show two more on de list dan ve show by actual count."
And from out of the ether, on the tower frequency, from where...no one knows:
"Check the ovens."

[cherryperry]

4. uh oh,

too close for comfort...ouch, relatives went that way...


:beer: :cry: :pals:

[trof]

7. It is a bit dark, I'll admit.

I guess pilots are notoriously irreverant.
I know I am.
;-)

[cherryperry]

3. Love it, Love it, Love it!

I am c/p this one-thanks...

:yourock:

[cherryperry]

5. Thankyew

for my 1st laugh of the morning!

Those Qantas guys sure put the pilots in their place!!


:loveya:

[Aristus]

6. LOL! Ouch! Ouch! My sides!

That is TOO funny! I'm bookmarking this!

[Braden]

8. I like this one

At London Gatwick: an A320 Air France is making an auto-approach. At 200', the computer decided to make a go-around with no reason and no command from the crew. Here is what we heard on the TWR freq:
Air France: London from Air France 1234, It's going around!
London TWR: Air France 1234, report intentions
Air France: Well ... to go with it sir!

[trof]

9. 2 rules I tried never to break:

1. Stay inside the aircraft at all times while airborne.
2. Try and make # of take-offs=# of landings.
Those always worked well for me.