Should I help raise my neighbor's kid?

[bleedingheart]

Okay...I have a neighbor who has four kids with one on the way. The eldest is around 8 and the youngest is about 8 mos..

She has absolutely no control over her kids. They are disruptive, a bit violent in nature and they have no respect anyone or anything. The mother also has a quaint habit of encouraging her eldest to wander about looking for someone to play with which normally means another mother has to watch him.

I learned early that I didn't want this kid around. He was rude to me and my husband and despite repeated efforts to get him to obey the rules of my house I decided he wasn't worth having around (despite my bleedingheart tendencies to want to be helpful)...did I mention he bullies my son and repeatedly tried to coerce my son into giving him toys..told us to order him a pizza (which we didn't of course)...and the list goes on...

Okay... today I speak to another neighbor who has it much worse...she lives directly across the street from this family and she has been trying to "help" out...but is now at the end of her rope. Basically the older boy has twice almost been run over by a car while bike riding erratically... and he has damaged another neighbor's car with his bike (but won't fess up to it even with witnesses..) Her boys made the mistake of befriending this kid and now she is worried that something bad may happen...
either this kid will get hurt her boys will be hurt or implicated in some kind of mess.

I don't know what to tell her but I think that the family in questions has a lot of problems and that it could get very messy.. But right now the only polite guidance these kids get is from the neighbors who are all watching to make sure they don't get hurt because their mother is out to lunch most of the time...

Its a sad situation but I can't imagine how bad it will be next year when baby number 5 arrives...

Has anyone else been in this situation? What is the right way to handle it...

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. ask her why she is having another kid when she doesn't watch or raise the

ones she has....5 kids??? JEEZ...if one has the means, then the more th merrier but these are not kids, they are future citizens and need guidance and direction.

Give me her number..I'll call her!
And NO...you should make it clear that she ahs a problem with her kid...have her acknowledge it. Then if she requests support offer it. Hold her responsible for her kid..hold HIM responsible for what he does.

[bleedingheart]

6. get this...she is too embarrassed to tell me about the expected

arrival in March... her obvious belly and a neighbor confirmed this...

When I confronted her about the fact that my husband almost killed her son when backing out of the driveway with our car ..she got mad at me...the kid was riding erratically and he had no helmet on...

[MuseRider]

2. Could you and the other

neighbor sit down with the boy and really level with him? He is 8, he could understand if you put it into kid terms. I hated to have several of my kids friends over, it is awful when you really dislike the behavior of your kids friends. Maybe if you slowly set up some simple rules in your homes and made him follow them he could become a better citizen. I don't know, I just feel bad for you having to deal with this. I am a bleeding heart and would have tried my best to set him straight. There will be more trouble when the other kids start heading out so it might be in your best interest to try to get this kid settled. It is clear that no one else is going to do it.

[bleedingheart]

4. after countless "play dates" I gave up on having him anywhere

but outside my house.

The other neighbor isn't so lucky...he is so bold that he goes in her refrigerator and makes himself home at her house...
She is appalled by the behavior but doesn't want to start a neighbor war (she just moved here two years ago ...and now wants to move over this...which is sad for the rest of us..)

During the steeler game saturday he walked into her house and told her husband..."I think we need some snacks right now.."..her husband was floored by this kid's behavior...

Even considering my distinct order that he not enter my house I have had to evict him twice!

His mom came down once with her other kids...and when I was ready to go in to start dinner and politely informed everyone that the play time was over...this kid got angry at his mom (don't ask me why) and called her a cow! what kind of kid calls his mother a cow???

[rucky]

3. Call CPS

...If you truly think that a) these parents are a danger to their children, or b) the children are a danger to others. There needs to be a caseworker involved. I know they have the reputation of being overloaded and ineffective, but it's important to get a paper trail started. Take some notes yourself, and if you feel safe, confront the parents every time. You don't have to "raise" the kids, but I'd stay on the parents & put some pressure on them to take some responsibility.

[Frances]

7. I agree that the best thing to do is to call

child protective services. I think you would need to make a list of the things you have observed and explain that you are worried about the children being harmed because of neglect. I would hope that the social worker could find some programs for the children.

I have bleeding heart tendencies myself. I was in a similar situation when my daughters were young. They would have nothing to do with the troubled child. A friend's son, on the other hand, did become friends with the problem child. Unfortunately, the friend's son then got into trouble himself.

Your first responsibility is to protect your own child. Your child needs to know that you will do your best to keep him/her safe.

[MuseRider]

9. After reading

your response to mine I am going with the others who posted just above this. Call, she has no clue how to parent and this kid will have no chance, not to mention what the others will have with him as their role model. I only spanked my kids once for running in the street but I guarantee if one of them had called me a cow I would have slapped them. He won't respect anyone if he can't at least keep from calling his mother names. He has learned this behavior from not being disciplined or because he is being treated in a similar fashion. What a shame I am sorry because I know this will be hard.

[Booberdawg]

5. I agree with call Child Protective Services

This 8 year old is being neglected in my opinion if he is being pawned off on neighbors all the time. And a case worker would get a better feel about what you refer to in this family as "lots of problems". The mother is out to lunch and number 5 is on the way? Maybe she needs help.

You might be doing her and the kids a favor. Don't feel bad about making a phone call to Child Protective Services. That's what they are there for.

[bleedingheart]

8. Because I have distanced myself from this family I spoke to

the other neighbor to get a better feel about this... and I told her that if she felt that they were being neglected she should call authorities... I feel like I am too distant from this situation to make a call to CPS...

I feel like crap about all this because a very close friend of mine is now in counseling based on my recommendations that she get help...which is good...but that was hard enough and I had more evidence of abuse.

[Booberdawg]

10. There doesn't have to be evidence of abuse

Just evidence of neglect. In fact I think you could remain anonymous too. Or better yet suggest your neighbor make the call, but there is no reason you couldn't.

This isn't something to feel guilty about either. It isn't right for an 8 year old to be running free without guidance - there is some damage being done there to the child. There are 3 others and one on the way.

I understand this is hard ....

[elfin]

11. I agree with the others to call Social Services

Even though you know they are overburdened with far worse situations, this one is on the edge of future disaster. Perhaps they would appreciate the early warning where a little effort on their part could make a real difference. Maybe they can do a lower level of intervention and get them into a parenting class to help them organize their lives a bit to stave off the inevitable. Hope against hope that they have some condoms in their welcome packets.

As for your responsibilities - you have none unless the kid(s) obey the ground rules of your own home. If they do, then you can involve them more in a healthy family atmosphere as a role model for future behavior. If they don't - send them back home, telling them why in a nice, non-judgemental manner.

Talk to your own kids about the situation and how they can best interact with the neighbor's kids so they fully understand the situation.

[SoCalDem]

12. I helped "raise" a neighbor boy, but he was a sweet little guy

He was a latchkey kid, and spent more time here than at his own home..

I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.. I guess , for the safety of the kids, SOMEONE needs to intervene..


If you can call anonymously, I would do that :(

Maybe if the parents knew that someone was watching them, they would step up to the plate..:shrug:

[cally]

13. Another viewpoint

I can't tell from your post but some kids just don't pick up social cues. It may seem obvious, but they don't get it. Like other forms of intelligence, some need more help with social standards than others. It's obvious to most of us, but you have to explain repeatedly to some that they shouldn't take more than their share of pizza or let the door slam when they enter a quiet classroom. From your description, it sounds like this kid needs more explicit social training. I would try.

[Booberdawg]

16. But it's not the neighbor's job to train this child. It is the parent's

[enough]

14. As long as the parents are around and they permit or encourage

his behavior, there is no way you are going to get anywhere.

It would be different if you were going to take him in as a foster child, where you control the environment and could set some consistent rules and realities for him.

Sorry to be so pessimistic. What a difficult situation, especially in a neighborhood where people know each other and look out for each other.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. Two comments

1) The chlid may be going to your house and acting up because deep down, he wants someone to set boundaries for him. It sounds as if no one has ever taught him the most basic manners.

2) I agree on calling child protective services. You don't have to be closely involved to do this. This past spring I reported a young woman who continually walked around downtown Portland with either one, two, or three children (who all looked alike) panhandling late into the night. I actually asked her if she was homeless, and she said no. But her story was always different: she was about to go into drug therapy, she was going to start a job tomorrow, she was expecting a check from her parents, she was going to move in with her boyfriend, but most commonly, she needed to buy Happy Meals for her children.

My guess is that she had a boyfriend who sent her out panhandling and had her use the kids as props.

After seeing the kids out in the rain for the third time in two weeks (and having my companion remark that their mother really had a great makeup job and hairstyle for someone who was supposedly desperate), I called Child Services with a description of the young woman and the children. They agreed that three children, the oldest about seven, should not be spending their evenings walking around downtown in all kinds of weather, and they said they'd alert the police in the area that the family frequented.

Something must have happened, because I never saw them out after that.