In honor of my Grandmother - its cheesey dirty joke time!

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

Remember - don't piss of the mods :evilgrin:

This was her favorite.

A woman is applying to a biker gang and they are asking her a whole bunch of questions to see it she's "man enough" to be one of the gang.

"So, you ever been in a motorcycle accident?" asks one of the guys

"Well, one time I was drinkin at the Red Dog Saloon and I got in a 8 bike-pileup - but I didn't get hurt"

"Wow" said the biker "well, you ever been in a bar room brawl?"

"Hell yeah, plenty!"

"OK - you ever been pulled over by the fuzz?"















"No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"


Then my grandmother enters into hysterics. I Love you Anna - I can't wait to see you again!

Now its your turn.

[Richardo]

1. That's funny - even more so 'cause your grandmother liked it...

I can just hear a 91-year old woman telling that joke and laughing her butt off. :D

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

2. She told it better than anybody could.

It was HI-larious coming out of a little old lady with scandalously dyed red hair :)

[pagerbear]

4. That explains a lot, CSTT

[Lavender Brown]

3. My grandmother liked to sing dirty songs

I wish I could remember them, but they were in Italian.

[bif]

5. Here's one

Two women are sittting on a front porch talking. A florist delivers a dozen roses. "How sweet. You're so lucky!" says one.
"Not really, This just means I'l have to spend the evening with my legs up in the air," says the second woman.
"Why. Don't you have any vases?"

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

7. NICE!!!!

She would love that one!

[BigMcLargehuge]

6. my grandmother's favorite

two boys are playing in the dirt outside a brothel and as they play they watch the steady stream of men climbing the stairs to the entrance. One of the boys decides to see what's going on and follows one of the customers up the steps. He witnesses the man knocking on the door and hears the following exchange after the madame (dressed in lingerie) answers:

Customer: Do you have an opening?
Madame: We do for five dollars (mind you this was a depression era joke)
Customer: right here in my pocket.
Madame: well hand it over
Customer hands the Madame 5 dollars
Madame: Please sir, come in...

The boys watch this scene play out over and over and over again until one of them finally says, "I want to know what goes on in there... How much money do you have?" The other boy answers "I have a quarter." The first boy digs through his pockets and through the dirt under the porch and comes up with another forty cents. They add the money together to make sixy five cents.

Both boys walk up the steps to the door. The first boy knocks and the madame anwers.

Boys: Do you have an opening?
Madame, surprised: We do for five dollars.
Boys: Right here in my pocket... (hands her 65 cents)
Madame: Please come in sirs...

The madame takes their coats and walks them to the back kitchen where she proceeds to beat them with a wooden spoon and tells them never to come back then throws them out the back door into a trash heap.

The boys watch her slam the back door shut. The first boy says, "I wonder why all those men go in there for that?" The second boy answers, "Good thing we didn't have five bucks or she'd have killed us."

Mind you it sounds better in Portuguese, but this one was always enough to put us all into stitches.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

8. Sweet

:thumbsup:

[pagerbear]

9. My contribution

(Both my grandmothers were uptight Southern Protestant ladies)

A guest preacher came to town for a revival. He was known far and wide for his powerful speaking, and he lived up to his reputation. After his first night, all the people in the congregation praised him to the heavens! They thought he was wonderful! Some of them mentioned to him it would have been great if Tootie Green could have been there to hear him.

He was even better on his second night, and everyone loved him even more! Many people said Tootie Green really should have been there to hear him. Finally curiosity got the better of him, and he asked the local preacher's wife who this Tootie Green was. "Tootie Green! Why, she's the town's fallen woman. We all pray for her, but her wanton behavior will be the undoing of her, to be sure!"

The last night, he was setting up for the service while the congregation was filling up the pews, and he saw a very brazen looking woman walk in, dressed quite scandalously in low-cut blouse, very short skirt, and high-heeled pumps that could kill a man. Ignoring people's stares and whispers, she boldly walked down the aisle, sat in the front pew, crossed her legs, and gave the guest preacher a look that made his blood turn cold--then hot--then cold. He got the local preacher's attention, subtly pointed, and asked, "Is that Tootie Green?" The local preacher had a shocked expression but looked where the guest was pointing, and after a few seconds, turned back and said, "No, it's just the way the light shines on it."

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

10. Exemplary - my repertoire grows!

:yourock:

[miss_kitty]

11. The most hilarious joke ever!

as told by a grandma

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

12. Agreed!

A class act all the way

[russian33]

13. one of my favorites

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments of stunned silence, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

14. boom tisss

bueno!

[Duncan Grant]

15. A Sophie Tucker joke; as told by Bette Midler. ;-)

I will never forget it you know, I had gone to the grocery store for some odds and ends.

I looked around for a suitable looking bag boy to help me into the
parking lot with my purchases. On the way into the parking lot I am ashamed to tell you all that I was over come with an attack of passion....and bad taste.

I grabbed the bag boy.

I said "Young man, I have an itchy booty."

He said "Sorry lady, I don't know one Japanese car from another."

[noonwitch]

16. My 88 year old Grandma's favorite dirty limerick:

"There once was a girl named Alice
Who used dynamite for her phallus
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her ass is somewhere in Dallas".

My 65 year old mother's favorite joke:

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toybox?

For sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying "Lie to me, Lie to me".