My mother is singing her "Swan Song"

[Karenina]

Realizing she can no longer live alone in the house my siblings bought her, she is now ready to move to a managed care facility and is demanding I return to the U.S. to "take care of it."

I never lived in that house. Every visit I've made to it has been a NIGHTMARE. It was purchased while I was living in my car (in far-flung L.A. where both my sons were born and I had found help for the younger one who was diagnosed autistic.) At that it was demanded that I return to the family "estate" with my kids or be left on my own. I refused to take the boys so far away from their dad, no matter HOW ANGRY I was at him AND the State. I'd left that "just south of the Mason-Dixon line" region in which I grew up at 15 because I had NO USE for it and HATED IT. So I lived in my car in Brentwood.

Mom is dying and demands that I return. (Ain't gonna happen.)

Ich bin das schwarze Schaf, in NO WAY as "successful" as my siblings. Mom refered to me as a pathetic piece of shit, always "running my damn mouth about the state of the STATES. An anti-American," never mind I am 1 of 1 in this world with the skills I've acquired, as far as I know to date... NEVER APPRECIATED THERE, subjected to abuse that would fill a book no one would wish to read...

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. Yikes...lots of stuff going on there

I am no expert. All I can offer you is my love.

DO what you can be complete with and live with...that's all I can say.
HUGS.. :loveya:

[dfong63]

2. hugs and sympathy

you are justifiably angry. but also consider (just that, consider) the possibility that you may have the opportunity here to heal some of that anger by forgiving her. not because she deserves it, but because it may be best for your own self. as an adult, you can do things on your own terms, not be controlled by what your mother wants you to do, or by what your mother doesn't want you to do.

a friend of mine passed along a great piece of wisdom: ``Not forgiving someone is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.''

i would not want to tell anyone what to do in these circumstances, but just as a general principle, if you give in to a desire for revenge, you may later regret walking away from your "last chance" to achieve some kind of reconciliation.

best wishes, whatever your decision.

[Karenina]

8. The frustrating thing is

I have made SUCH an effort. I cannot blame my mother anymore, she is who she is. Throughout my life she has beat me bloody on a psychic level. In the last 2 years we have had the kind of relationship I always wanted with her, this after I called her to say I'd buried our decades long differences and had NO BLAME in my heart towards her. Lately her dementia has achieved the upper hand. This is only the second episode for me. (The first was when she "sicced" my brother on me demanding my son come take care of her.) "Normally," when I call she snaps into lucid and we talk and laugh. I consider myself lucky to have had that time with her.

[radwriter0555]

9. Well it sure sounds like it's over now, and the dementia has kicked in

so move on.. Don't take any of it seriously.

[Karenina]

11. I certainly know that

and get the vibe that the 2 yuggins are onto it too, FINALLY. The WEIRD THING is the unmitigated VENOM!! The tone of her voice just FREAKED ME OUT!

[radwriter0555]

3. You must be my TWIN! I personally recommend a PARENTECTOMY.

I had one 9 years ago, and it was the turning point in my life. I don't know whether the old bitch is alive or dead, and I don't care.

Who needs such toxic, mentally ill freaks? Toss em out I say. Move on. The old bitch of a mother I have still sends holiday cards to my kid and I arranged with my letter carrier to have them sent back without the new address on it.

Don't ever take a phone call from her again. It'll be the most liberating event of your entire life, to simply, quietly hang up.

[Interrobang]

7. I agree with you...

I've taken a lot of crap from my parents -- although orders of magnitude less than you -- and now that I don't see them very often, our relationship is much, much better. In cases like this, I'd just suggest NOT going. Since her whole life has been spent treating you like dirt and then still expecting you to ask "How high?" on the way up when she says jump, I think she is the one who deserves the stony silence here. As to the "forgiveness" issue the other poster raised, SHE should apologize to you for all the crap she's put you through. Forgiveness, in the sense of simply blindly absolving someone of their beastly behaviour towards you, is highly overrated.

[Karenina]

12. Well, see , that's what I did

putting the Atlantic between us. She can't apologize as she's done "nothing" wrong in her mind. In her defense, I must say she did a helluvalot CORRECTLY. I and my siblings read, write and speak the Queen's Englisch. ;-)

My trip is not to entertain all the harsh edges. I will not deal harshly with my family. Should we not be the kindest to those closest to us?

However, I am as likely to voluntarily set foot on American soil as a Jew in the 1930's, who escaped the land I now inhabit, would heed a plea to return for a family (in denial) function. Meshugenah, bist du? I DON'T THINK SO. :hi: :loveya: :hi:

[efhmc]

4. I am happy that your status in life is now better. I cannot imagine the

hurt and anger that you feel. If you decided to do this, it will have to be on your own terms and you must be able to get something out of it, monetary, emotional healing, the release of all these hurts and pains, something positive. You could end up feeling much better and being able to put aside that part of your life for good. But it all depends on what you want to do. Either way, make the decision and let it GO!!! I know easy for me to say. Peace, honey.

[Karenina]

16. Everyone in my family

has been told, "point blank," that I live happily in Deutschland, that I speak the lingo happily, if sloppily (just ended a 6 week class where I got clear on what I can do to improve is my Nebensätze, Verben mit präpostion, Höflichkeit and how to start incorporating all those little deswegens, deshalbs, obwohls into my active street speech. Passive ist kein Thema.) They know that I've been through a lot and am very comfortable in this society. They know that I consider returning to the U.S. for WHATEVER REASON, more of a risk that I'm willing to take...
I don't have a problem. My cards are on the table.

[efhmc]

17. Sweetie, again unless there is something that this will accomplish for

you, do not move an inch. I was brought up to be thoughtful and selfless but I was surrounded by loving people. If you are not surrounded by these types of folks then thoughtful and selfless just gets you mowed under. Stay where you are unless you WANT to do this.

[Karenina]

19. Ya know, efhmc

Dese folks be crazy nuts and ain't no chance me bein' so stupid. That is, bein' my mom's daughter and all... That's the reason she has such venom towards me. Since childhood, whenever I experienced abuse on whatever level, I did the "duck and cover" then got the hell outta Dodge.

[efhmc]

22. Protect yourself. When all is said and done that is all you have. Hugs

and kisses.

[DemExpat]

5. I know I would not be able to go 'on command'........

Karenina, let your siblings take care of it.........

I did go to my hardnosed, often cruel and abusive Dad when he was dying - but he DID NOT ask, and he had come to some enlightenment about his life and behavior as a husband and Dad by then, which I had great admiration for....not all assholes soul-search and face some truth before they die........
I wish you strength and peace through this end-phase or your Mom's life. It will be intense whatever you decide to do.


:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

[Karenina]

13. Thank you so much for your reply, DemEx_pat

My siblings will deal with it in their way, I will in mine. I think my !!!<fear>!!! is that, as has happened with so many dear friends in the U.S., they'll sign up as extras in the Hollywood production of Ionesco's "Rhinoceros." :shrug:

[Clete]

6. Mommie Dearest can't demand anything from you.

Maybe she's threatening to disown you. Mine always did. You don't have to give in to any guilt, bribery or blackmail from a parent. Your life is yours not hers.

[Karenina]

24. She'll "disown" me in a bad mood.

She also sees me and my son as a "threat" to the "family" resources that SHE requires (having to keep up payments and maintenance on her house if she's in a home because she sees it as HER ASSET) and would prefer my siblings not help me get my kid through college unless its on her terms and turf. Hey, Mr DJ, cue up Gloria Gaynor. (Would that DB had been able to negotiate 0.5% on THAT bit of work! Man-o-man would he be ROLLING IN IT!)

[FuriousMNDem]

10. Be there for her.

Do what you can. What you can't do, have your siblings do.

But try to at least show her you love her.

[noiretextatique]

14. my dear (((((((((karenina))))))))))

i know has been very painful for you. whatever you decide, the people who love you (and perhaps they are your chosen family...like your kids) will support you 100%. and if by some chance you do end up back here :scared: momentarily, i will come and visit you :loveya:

[Dirk39]

15. Hello Karenina, Dirk is curious:

Where do you live?
Liebe Grüsse,
Dirk

[Karenina]

18. Meine Fresse, DU!!

Also, ich muss auf Deutsch schreiben, Fehler und ALLES. Colonia heisst die Stadt. Eine heilige, tolerante, schöne (aber nicht so als bevor WWII, ja hab' ich die Bilder gesehen. Ein STEIN in mein Herz!)

Ich fühle mich so glücklich hier zu wohnen.

"An Köln gefiel mir schon immer einfach alles." W.M.

[Dirk39]

20. Hier auch!

Köln ist wirklich schön, ich habe dort 2 Jahre lang gelebt (in Nippes)!
Mein Bruder lebt in Düsseldorf. But to learn german, Cologne might be very hard. Even Germans have problems to understand them!
You're punctuation marks are already pretty good, and that's a good way to start. Not joking, I'm serious!
Apart from this, my girlfriend had a very hard relationship with her parents, esp. with her mother, too, and her mother now sufferes from Alzheimer and she is the one to take care off her. Sounds similar somehow?
Ich hoffe, Du lässt Dich davon nicht unterkriegen, mach es gut!
Ich umarme Dich,
Dirk

[Karenina]

23. Tante Hilde sagt immer,

"Alles geht, nur der Frosch hüpft."
Die ganze Familien ist ausgefickenflippt, aber DAS gar nicht neu ist. Meine Frage ist nur, "Was soll ich denn tun?" Ich gehe nicht zurück. Punkt. Ja, muss ich meine Verwandte(n?) IRGENDWIE behandeln... sigh...

[Sancho Panza]

21. I offer thoughts of peace and solace

Trying times, I cannot imagine. My heart goes out to you.

[NightTrain]

25. Some may think me horrible for saying this....

...but I honestly believe that my parents did me a favor by both dying in their early 60s. Mom was 61 (1994), dad 62 (1998).

Since my father's death, I have finally become the person I truly am. And it has taken a good long time for me to shed the bad parts of his influence on me--i.e., bigotry, severe impatience, and an all-around negative outlook on life.

Anyway, I'm now 37, with no parents, no wife and kids, and no siblings. Some may think my situation kind of sad, but frankly I'm perfectly content not to be saddled with the responsibility of having other people depending on me.

I've known plenty of people who had their kids depending on them on one end, and their elderly infirm parents relying on them on the other end. I don't know how the hell those poor bastards keep sane!

So thanks, mom and dad, for not living long enough to make me put you into nursing homes! Christ knows you put me through enough heartache when I was growing up. I didn't need that shit, too!

[Karenina]

26. It's called the "sandwich" generation.

As I said, for the last 2 years, with the distance between us, I've been spared my mother's venom. What I frankly don't get is why we're collectively so MEAN to each other. I figure my best input is to disallow going there with my son when he's in a mood, and to respond positively to my mom. That I did and do. Nevertheless, her attemped character assassination pushed a button somewhere, so it's 6:30 am, I SERIOUSLY need sleep and somehow find solace commiserating with strangers! :crazy: Interesting times these are, indeed.

[grasswire]

27. sad

My father died 34 years ago and my mother died 15 years ago. How I wish I had been granted the opportunity to care for them in their old age -- they never got that far. I was robbed and I regret their passing every day. Maybe one of you could let me adopt your parents.