How often to call Mom ?

[steve2470]

I need input. I'm 46. Mom (biological) has Alzheimer's. Mom and I have usually had conflicts. I see her EVERY Sunday without fail and I am her power of attorney. And yes, she will never go to a nursing home as long as she can be maintained at home. Anyway, my son's mom pushed my guilt button tonight and asked me to call my mom 2X week. Does anybody understand my feelings ? Alzeheimer's is hard enough to cope with, and then you add the history on top of it. Believe me, I have worked hard on forgiveness, but it's hard to "force" myself to be "the perfect son". Thanks for your time and understanding.

[kikiek]

1. I think you need to set limits that don't put you over the edge. And

maybe find a support group with people dealing with the same thing for support and understanding. Best of luck to you.

[steve2470]

2. excellent idea, thank you...

I have felt guilty for years, but it really got the best of me tonight. I called her and had the same conversation about 10 times. Poor Mom. She has about a 150 IQ and now she is hurting.

[kikiek]

3. Devastating disease that can go on for years. I am sorry for your family.

[steve2470]

5. thanks. I think you earned a few more points to get you into

"heaven" or its equivalent for you

[kikiek]

6. Well gee thanks..I need a lot more of those I think. haha

[Frances]

7. I think the support group is an excellent idea

I have known several people in your position and they all found support groups helpful.

I think that you will not be able to take care of your mother if you are not in good shape yourself.

I call my mother who suffers from memory loss once or twice a week (we live a continent apart). I sometimes read DU while we talk because we have the same conversation over and over and having something else to do while talking to her helps me stay patient.

Anyway, good luck.

[enigami]

4. Ordinarily

I would say every chance you get, but I never had to deal with Alzheimer's. They are not here forever. I lost mine and miss her badly

[cidliz2004]

8. Yes, you first need to set limits to take care of yourself

You need to be there for yourself and your son and whoever else is in your life. Aging parents are extremely difficult to deal with, unfortunately, most of us will face that sometimes heartwrenching phase in our lives. I really feel sorry for people that have teenagers and an ailing parent(s). Both of my parents are gone and I am about your age. Both of my parents had lingering illnesses and incapacity before they died and I was very estranged from my mother for most of my life, but did take her in for a short period of time when she was going through some transitions. You do what you can do. We are not God, we are people and most of us try to the best of our ability. You have only yourself and God to answer to - not your son's mother or anyone else. So just hang tough and try to do whatever you can do when you can do it and pray. Joining a support group would probably be a great deal of help at this time.

Take care and know that you are not the first making this journey, nor will you be the last. This is another phase of our life and we have more lessons to learn.

[steve2470]

9. Thank you. That was beautiful.

[Flaxbee]

10. Hey, consider yourself lucky she's at home, has resources, etc...

I hope I'm not assuming too much, but if your mother has family assets and all that exists is some strife, cut the woman some slack and talk to her. How far along is her AD? These might be some of the only memories she has left or ever will have.

My mom's got early stages AD, but was already in assisted living before it was diagnosed for another physically debilitating illness. My sisters and I pay for her assisted living apartment (pay through the nose), yet take pretty regular abuse from her for not affording her more luxurious accommodations and more money for buying from frigging QVC. Yet I turned out OK, and she was a good mother so I try very hard to squelch the rage and frustration and I call her 3-4 times a week. I also read DU or do chores when I'm on the phone, but it's contact with someone who cares for me very much, even though she's got a funny way of showing it sometimes. I feel I owe her some compassion while she's sinking into the abyss, you know?

Anyway, I didn't mean to be harsh. I understand what you're going thru, the guilt, anger, frustration, etc. You don't have to be perfect. Just kind and compassionate, even with the history - help her get thru these stages when she knows she's losing it - I think that's the cruellest time of all, when you she knows her forgetfulness means her brain is turning irrevocably into Swiss cheese, rather than she just didn't get enough sleep or had a tough day. My mother's complete and utter financial incompetence means I am broke most months, unable to even fathom freedom. I spend a good amount of time stifling the urge to scream, then I call her and chat about whatever, then I go into the woods and scream. But because the disease is destroying her, while I still have a life ahead of me, I call her. Often.

[steve2470]

11. Excellent points. I think I will call her every night and cheer her

up. I think I can handle that. It's so much better than guilt.

[Flaxbee]

12. tell me about it. the guilt is horrible...

guilt that she's failing, guilt you can remember stuff (I try SO HARD not to say "yes, of course I told you that, I told you that 2 days ago...!!!" even though I could shriek because she just asked me the same thing a zillion times), guilt that you don't really want to call... it's rough. Hang in there. All of your feelings are to be expected, too, and you deserve sympathy and compassion, too. But as long as you can squeeze in a few minutes for a call, it's a nice thing to do.