Puns

[bemildred]

TOP TEN TWISTED PUNS

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the
cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during the
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to
disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him . what? (Oh, man this is so
bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[MrScorpio]

1. Oh boy, you are sick

I like sick

[maxomai_vs_rove]

2. Not music to my ears

Just a quick note: I think maybe we need to take a rest with the puns for a bit. While they might strike a chord with some of the bass elements around here, I just don't think that they set the right tone for harmony in these forums. There's nothing wrong with sharp or off-beat humor, it's just that these things can fall flat. The key to these things is to measure reactions and to keep a good tempo.

Of course, most people can just tune this stuff out. I'm just saying we could avoid major trebble with some minor fine tuning.

[FloridaJudy]

3. Not too sharp, are you?

[bemildred]

4. They can cause cognitive dissonance ...