I found matches from a strip club in my husband's pocket

[seaglass]

and I'm upset about it.

I trust(ed) my husband, I didn't go through his pockets, I was only putting his laundry in the dryer and the matches were on the bottom of the washer when I emptied it out.

Of course I will ask him about it but he's not home right now.

He went out with the guys Friday night which I don't have a problem with. I asked him where he went and he did not mention the strip club. If he went to the strip club Friday night, I will feel that he deceived me - he knows how I feel about strip clubs.

So, married women - how mad would you be if you found strip club matches in your husband's pocket? Maybe you wouldn't care?

Married men, do you ever go to strip clubs and why?

Of course someone could have given him the matches.

[soupkitchen]

1. Is way of telling you, "Come on baby light my fire."

[seaglass]

2. Can't light a fire with soggy matches.

n/t

[soupkitchen]

3. But you can with a great sense of humor like that

[soothsayer]

4. Prolly 'deceived' you precisely cuz he knows how you feel about strip...

clubs.

Prolly got dragged there by the guys, couldn't wimp out by saying "my wife doesn't let me go."

Poor hubby is gonna' get it....!

[trof]

5. It's all relative?

Better than finding a receipt from a local motel as a friend did.
Splitsville.

[maveric]

71. Would you go to a "girls night out", watching male strippers?

If so would that be the same situation?
Men need a little fantasy every now and then, as long as he doesnt cross the line.
If he's out with his friends I think its innocent. If he makes a habit out of going alone, that might be a problem.

[Ilsa]

6. Try to relax, stay calm.

I don't like strip clubs either, but I think I would be more concerned about finding the matches and he had NOT been out with the guys.

I also think I would be more concerned if this was a pattern of behavior developing.

Remember, he came home to you and your life together, a reality, not a fantasy.

[Kamika]

7. What i would do

Ok now i dont even have a bf so not sure howmuch my advice is worth but anyway id just bring it up like curiously not angry at all. Just ask him .. like "oh i found these matches isnt this a strip club?"

And see what he says.. maybe hell be honest. If he isnt well im sure youll notice

[latebloomer]

8. I'd be OK with it

When my husband and I were first dating, I got upset when I learned he occasionally went to strip clubs. I felt jealous, as if I weren't enough for him. But I came to believe that it's a relatively harmless outlet for men's desire to look at women's bodies. I do think men, more than women, are innately polygamous-- it's wired into them to seek out sexual variety no matter how much they love and are attracted to their wife. I see strip clubs and other kinds of porn as a way to indulge that need without getting into activities that would really threaten the marriage.

[amazona]

38. they don't just look at strip clubs!

Porn is not the same as visiting a strip club. In a club, he has a real live girl in his lap, grinding him off. You wouldn't accept that if he did that with a friend of yours, but you accept it when he spends money for something strange? Visiting a strip club is more akin to visiting a prostitute. It is a real person, it is real physical contact. Strippers are not blow-up dolls.

[Blue_Chill]

44. Exactly

This is how I see it.

Looking = not cheating
Having a naked person grind on your crotch = cheating.

[CanuckAmok]

46. You're making an assumption that...

...going to a strip club=having a woman sit in your lap and grind. I know several people who go to strip-clubs, but draw the line at looking--so is that still a cheat?

[Blue_Chill]

47. No I'm not

You assumed that's what I meant when I was very clear that looking was fine touching wasn't.

[CanuckAmok]

58. I replied to the wrong thread--sorry.

I was referring to amazonia's comment, which seemed to suggest that a strip club is a free-for-all gropefest.

[Blue_Chill]

59. no worries buddy n/t

:D

[amazona]

81. well, it isn't totally a free-for-all but...

...the girls are coming up to you, they're sitting in your lap, they're rubbing on you and trying to get you to pay for more...there is no way that you get out of there without some lap to ass contact. For the full grind, the man must tip, sure, and plenty of guys do wussy out but to say that they are just looking...no...unless this is a strip club in Utah or something? :-)

Sheesh, they'll even try to grind on another woman if they think you'll give up the cash.

[CanuckAmok]

95. I'm sure it depends on the club, but...

I'd be surprised if you were offered anything more than a handshake before shelling out any money at all. And, when that happens, a contract has been made.

I know lots of guys who are "permitted" to go to strip clubs, as long as there's no physical contact, and I'm sure it's perfectly acceptable to say "no thank you" to any dancers who are a little on the "forward" side--I'm sure they won't be offended...

It's academic anyway. This thread isn't about someone's husband getting lap-dances, it's about (possibly) attending a strip club.

For the record, I don't go to strip clubs, although Mrs. Amok (who has a Masters in Feminist Studies and is no fool) and I have gone from time to time as part of a larger group (we have some friends who are circuit dancers, and we'll go and see them if they're in town working). Last time we went is when a friend of ours was performing in Tacoma a few years ago--and we went primarily to visit with her, not watch her strut her stuff (although that was quite nice, as well--even beyond the gawk quotient, it's pretty incredible on a technical level, the acrobatics employed by a dancer who is really into her "art"). I just find the clubs boring, loud, smokey, and expensive, but I have no moral qualm with them at all.

My goodness, there are so many things which DO threaten marriage (affairs, finances, violence, etc), and I am truly hard-pressed to find how burlesque fits in there.

I'm counting my lucky stars (again) for finding such a progressive and liberal woman to spend my life with.

[latebloomer]

62. My husband doesn't get lap dances

And yes, I do believe him! Going to a topless club, which is where he does occasionally go, does NOT mean you necessarily spend extra money to have someone hump your lap. It could, but not necessarily.

[regnaD kciN]

101. Depends on the locality...

...in some places, "strip clubs" means lap-dances. In others, the dancer has to keep a distance away. And, in some places, it just means a topless bar, or a stripper on a stage, with no "private dances" allowed.

And, of course, there are some places where they don't only offer private dances, but don't care exactly what additional things go on between the dancer and the customer (by mutual compensated consent, of course) in those rooms. However, those establishments generally don't last very long...you can never tell when the "customer" is a cop, and there are more than a few officers who are quite ready to volunteer for undercover duty at those places...

;-)

[MaineDem]

9. Does he smoke?

Maybe he borrowed the matches.

I can't imagine this happening with my husband but then I'm sure he'd have told me right up front. I'd just ask him about it when he gets home. Is this something that's going to be a marriage breaker? Talk about it before getting upset about it.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck. :)

[JohnKleeb]

12. thats what I was thinkin Maine dem

This isnt my skill but I will try to help besides I have done it before. I agree what maine here is saying, you should talk to him.

[seaglass]

27. No, definitely not a marriage breaker although if he

admitted that he went and then started a long discussion about not being happy in our marraige and that's why he went, then I would be devastated.

[GOPFighter]

10. I've been to a few...

I'm a married man who has been to a few strip clubs in my time. I went with my buddies - usually on the occasion of someone's birthday ending in zero. We rarely stayed very long because: 1) it's full of drunks behaving badly, 2) most of of the time we agreed, the strippers just weren't very sexy. I think strip clubs sound like more fun than they really are.

If your husband did go to a strip club, I agree with the earlier poster who wrote that your husband's friends probably pressured him into going, and he didn't want to wimp out (I've been there before, too). I have a feeling if your husband did anything he felt ashamed of that night, you wouldn't have found the matches!

[1monster]

11. No, it wouldn't bother me unless it became a regular thing or

an obsession. It's just a guy thing and curiosity.

If he's not giving you grief any other way, what's the damage. And strippers are usually just trying to make their living in perhaps the only way they can.

[Robb]

15. Agreed

We lived next door to a stripper when we were in Denver. I remember being impressed, not only with how well she was doing for herself (owned her house, car, etc.), but how well she was taking care of her little boy on her own.

But yeah, I'd say just ask.

[rock]

13. First, you must answer this question:

Is your love for your husband conditional or unconditional?

[seaglass]

28. I don't know what you mean. There are conditions to my

staying with him, if he cheated on me (and I'm not suggesting he did)whether I still loved him would be beside the point.

[mmm]

14. Then again, it could be hanky panky!

What do you think?

[Braden]

16. maybe it wasn't his idea to go

and he didn't tell you because he knew you would not be able to react well to it. and more importantly it wasn't that big of a deal to him.

I am a married man who hardly ever goes to those places but when I do its usually under the circumstances above. Guys go out, one or two guys really want to go, two others go along becuase, well what else are they going to do.

PS Married men go to strip clubs for the same reason single men do. Booze and nude women. to some of us its more of a novelty

[unblock]

17. not a big deal, please!

mrs. unblock wants to go to a strip club more than i do!

besides, it doesn't matter where you get your appetite just as long as you eat at home.

look, everybody likes feeling attractive, everybody likes feeling that other people find are attracted to them. this is true even of married or otherwise paired people.

as a women, you can dress to the nines, or something tight and/or revealing, and simply walk down the street and guys will turn their heads or even ogle and maybe even hit on you. of course, it's a bit of an illusion that these guys are attracted to you, they don't know you, they're more attracted to the display, or the fact that you are preening.

as a man, how can you get that feeling? personally, i can look as dashing as any movie actor and walk down the street, but women still won't make eye contact because that means something different for women.

if a man goes to a strip club, they get the illusion that a bunch of women who are sexy enough to attract anyone they choose are actually interested in them. of course, this too is an illusion, but they get that feeling nonetheless.

in truth, most strippers are fairly disgusted by their customers and see them simply as wallets. many are actually lesbians. yes, some are prostitutes on the side, but the vast majority of men go to strip clubs without doing anything beyond that, especially if they went with a group of people.

furthermore, everytime i've been to a strip club (not very often) i've heard people making business deals. if your husband is in any position where he might have to entertain a client, well, if the client wants to go to a strip club, that's where you go.

my own experience with strip clubs is limited. i went maybe a dozen times when, shortly after a serious car accident, i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and prescribed amytriptyline(elavil), which is a mood improver. not an anti-depressant, which only makes you feel better if you're depressed; this stuff makes you a bit manic even if you're not depressed. i don't have a logical explanation for why i suddenly felt the urge to go to a strip club other than that, and i haven't been to one since i went off the medication.

i found it arousing, yes, but also innocuous and a bit pathetic. anyone who says that strip clubs are degrading to women has never been in one. they're degrading to men, that's what they are. the women are completely in charge and the men are readily manipulated by a simplistic sex drive to open their wallets and part with its contents. the women leave with exactly what they hoped for, and when the men leave it hits them that it was all an illusion, which is a depressing thought.

oh and, by the way, in new york, people stand on the sidewalk and stuff things into pedestrians' hands. usually it's chinese menus and such, but sometimes it's ads for strip clubs. you can't just toss it on the ground because that's littering. so you just stick it in your pocket intending to toss it when you see a garbage can, but sometimes you forget because you thought nothing of it in the first place....

if he actually went, he's much more likely to have remembered to cover his tracks, assuming he knows you'd be upset, and i'd bet he knows at least that much about you.

[seaglass]

34. I've been to a strip club with my husband, a long time

ago. I'll never forget it, a woman in a nurse's uniform stripped to "A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down." Ruined Mary Poppins for me forever;-)

When I was in my 20's male strippers had just become a fad. Unfortunately the one I saw was not attractive, missing teeth and balding, so I didn't "get" the sexual turn on part.

I'm a very flexible wife, I don't tell my husband what to do, I don't have a problem with him going out on a Friday night with his friends. He only has one life and I think he should be able to enjoy his free time. But, I really don't like the idea of strip clubs and I don't think this is something that he HAS to do.

I think that not knowing about it is bothering more than if he actually went (which I still don't know).

[Cheswick2.0]

41. I went to one once in my thirties

the guys were young, built and very good looking. The whole deal left me cold. What was particularly disgusting to me was, after the show was over, all these men swarmed down from upstairs where they had been scoping out those of us getting drunk on the free drinks (and supposedly horny) down below.

It was such an obvious meat market and I was just amazed that someone came up to me and thought he was now going to get lucky. I didn't hold it agains the guy, after all I was there and old enouhg to understand the game. However, even if I wasn't married at the time I wouldn't have fallen for that.

I have no idea what possesed me to go to that place with the women from work.

[catzies]

51. You said something my sister-in-law's been saying for years

"it doesn't matter where you get your appetite just as long as you eat at home."

What you said about strip clubs being more degrading to men than women because women are the ones holding the power in this situation is intriguing. I'm going to give that some more thought.

[Demobrat]

18. Not married so maybe I'm not qualified but

an old boyfriend used to go once in a while, for bachelor parties and such, and I didn't really mind. Of course he always told me about it, and followed up quickly by talking about how sad he found the women. He knew how I felt about strip clubs, basically that they're boring but everybody's got a right to make a living, so he knew he wouldn't get in major trouble.

[CoffeePlease1947]

19. You should be upset about it but. . .

You need to realize that he probably went only because he was with the other guys.

Just be up front with him about how you feel and how it makes you feel. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you or is unsatisfied by you.

I would also take into account that he most likely got the matches from one of the guys that was at the strip club. But I know that lots of guys do do this as a group to go out and have fun. It doesn't even mean it was planned. He could have been bar hopping and that was one of the bars they hit out along the way. The guys are also more likely to take him to a strip bar if he objects to going to one. My friends tried to do this to me one time.

It might be your objects to him going that he voiced to his friends and so they took him because they think it was funnny. Guys do this all the time to each other. Was he driving? If not, he didn't have much a choice in the matter, and if they went, that was most likely why.

Mike

[dofus]

20. For all of you guys who think

the odd visit to a strip club on hubby's part is no big deal: what if you found the matches in your wife's pocket? (Let's assume it was your turn to do the laundry this week, so you also weren't snooping.) Still the same response?

[unblock]

24. absofuckinlutely

and if she comes home horny and eager to dance sexy a bit, then god bless her and whatever strip club she went to!

[GOPFighter]

26. Yeah, it's just no big deal to me...

...I really do trust my wife.

[Blue_Chill]

31. I would laugh my ass off

because honestly I wouldn't care. *BUT* the point isn't the act of going to a strip club, the point is if your S.O. doesn't agree with it and you go anyway you are knowingly decieving them.

[CanuckAmok]

48. Yes. n/t

[ButterflyBlood]

78. I wouldn't care

[Section_43]

102. it would not affect our 13 year marriage one bit...

we trust each other. period.

we are best friends.

our love is unconditional.

our committment was taken seriously.

we do not question each others activities. EVER.

it's about respect and trust.

i would laugh if i found the matches.

btw, imo, strip clubs are stupid, wholly without merit. faux sex.

paranoia in a marriage is deadly...kill it or be consumed.

[trof]

21. A few thoughts and a question:

How old is your husband?
I was titillated by strip clubs during week end trips to New Orleans in my college years. Hell, I'd never clearly seen a (nearly) nude woman before. (The lighting wasn't so good in the back seat of my '58 Chevy ;-))
At some point, I...what?...outgrew it? Anyway, I'm no prude, by a long shot, but I just would find it kind of embarrassing to go to a strip club now. Maybe I need my testosterone level checked?

Having said that, I have a good friend, my age (62) who daily sends me VERY explicit nudie emails. Maybe he's a gynecologist wannabe, but he seems to be fascinated by female genitalia. He thinks strip clubs are a great way to spend an evening. I don't get it, but maybe that's just me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some guys outgrow this and some don't. My friend is a loving father and husband and all round good guy, but I look on his "habit" as maybe a case of arrested development.
:shrug:

[DemOverseas]

22. Leave them on the table

...and let him open the conversation.

[Cheswick2.0]

37. good idea

that way he doesn't start off defensive.

I am divorced and I can tell you that there is a lot of pressure on men to go to those places with their buddies. My ex had some friends that never let up on him to go along, but he wasn't interested. Maybe hubby was just trying to be one of the guys.

PS.... I would be upset. Grown men going gaga over strippers is kind of gross.

[barbaraann]

23. I hope there's a good explanation.

First of all, I'm in a small minority of DU posters who thinks the sex industry is a bad thing, so keep that in mind. And actually, I don't think it's a good thing for a married man (or woman) to go out partying with a bunch of guys (or girls) anyway even if they don't go to a strip club.

I'm a senior citizen and I've seen what it takes to keep a marriage together and what kinds of things can break them up. And I've seen men, including my own father, get involved with the sex industry. What works is honesty, not deception, and partners who have the sense to know how to avoid situations that can be trouble.

[unblock]

29. even if they DON'T go to a strip club????

so friday night poker at vic's or monday night football at joes lead to divorce?

do you ever talk to women when your husband is not around??

look, if the mr. barbaraann if fine with your restrictions, then that means that you're COMPATIBLE, which has a hell of a lot more to do with a marriage lasting forever than with any particular rules. many men wouldn't last a year with a women with your attitude.

i'm not saying there's anything wrong with your rules. if they work for you and your hubby, then that's great, that's what it's all about.

but don't go thinking that your rules will work for all other people.

[barbaraann]

40. Yes.

First of all, we have a teenage son and we have found that we need to be here at home to answer the phone and deal with situations that sometimes arise, to see who he is hanging around with, etc. Absolutely nothing is more important to me and to my husband than having our son turn out right and we HAVE had to deal with a few crises that might have been disastrous if we had not been at home. Parenting is more important to us than having fun with friends. I have seen numerous teenagers go down the drain and I am not going to let that happen to my son.

Not far from where I live is an wealthy area that has one of the hightest teen suicide rates in the country. The parents are generally people who are too busy to spend time with their kids, and the results are sad. I can send you a link to a website about one boy who committed suicide and how it has affected his family if you are interested.

And, no, my husband and I are not compatible. We have just learned to understand and accommodate our PROFOUND differences and work very hard to overcome bad habits from dysfunctional childhoods.

[Blue_Chill]

43. I admire you

Those willing to sacrifice for family are few and far between in this day and age.

[barbaraann]

52. Thank you. In a way it's not a sacrifice, though.

What we have to give up is miniscule compared to the joy and love we receive in return. This is, of course, AFTER the rebellious anti-parent phase most teenagers go though. I think it was Erma Bombeck who said that kids need love most when they deserve it least. Boy, those years were tough, but now we have a fine young man who sometimes makes me cry because I am so proud of him.

[blondeatlast]

25. My husband goes occasionally, but he is very upfront about it.

Tells me wll ahead of time and he always goes with a group of friends.

My only concern is that he didn't tell you before he went. I would state your concern and then just let him explain. If you've got a good thing, you'll work it out.

The only time I put my foot down on the issue was when he wanted to go on Christmas Eve, especially since it was my son's third. I made it clear to him that it was a bad night for him to go and that if he did, son and I would spend not only Christmas, but New Year's and Valentine's Day at my mom's. He stayed home.

[Blue_Chill]

30. You have every right to be upset. But.

You should calm down and give him the a real chance to explain himself. He has a match book, and that could have been handed to by a buddy or who knows.

I'm not saying that you are wrong I am saying that you should be able to discuss such things with your husband.

Good luck, I'm very sorry that this has occured, I know how such things can be painful.

As for me, I don't go to strip clubs and I'm not even married yet. The only time I would be interested in going would be if my girl wanted to go. Strip joints are not my scene.

[jumptheshadow]

32. My partner would go to strip clubs with the guys

At her old job the guys would go to a strip club on certain special occasions. They brought her along a few times. We are very monogamous, but it wasn't a bit deal. We didn't talk about it after the first night. It was just a social thing. If she hadn't have gone out with them the boys would have said she was "'whipped.'"

[blondeatlast]

33. The problem is IF he is intentionally hiding his going.

It could have been innocent (not knowing where the guys were going).

If he didn't know--ya gotta forgive, even though it might be hard.

If he felt he deliberately tried to hide it, then things are beyond DUers ability to help, no matter how smart and insightful we are.

[seaglass]

35. Thank you all for your thoughts, I appreciate it.

I still need to think on this and of course, talk to my husband.

I hope I didn't make this sound like a major catastrophe because it's not. It's just bothering me.

Well, off for the day.

Thanks again.

[amazona]

36. sex acts may occur at strip clubs

I guess it depends on what your definition of sex acts is -- but when a girl rubs her naked hiney on a man's dick (even through his clothes) to physically stimulate him that falls under my definition of rubbing a guy off, and it is off-limits for any partner of mine. The days of "no touching allowed" are over. The only good thing about it is that you don't have to worry about catching a disease this way, but the bad thing about it is the extremely high prices and the financial consequences if this behavior became a pattern. Most men at strip clubs are married -- they go to cheat with girls too young or attractive to give them any attention without a financial incentive, it isn't too hard to figure out.

[Darth_Kitten]

56. it's all cheating to me

I don't know, strip clubs to me are stupid places. Not the best way to spend your time if you are married or in a committed relationship :evilgrin:

The only women I know who "agree" to their husbands going just don't have much self-esteem. I guess it's easier to fool oneself that your own husband respects you as a human being than it is to say you don't like him going.

"Of course the playboys lying about are just a-okay, honey." ;)

"I really don't mind you humiliating me this way, I really like sitting at home whilst you fantasize about making it with nude women in bars!!! ;)

"I don't mind that you think horny young strippers are just hot for you, dear, I know that you respect and love me." ;)


Call me a uptight prude, but some men need to appreciate what they got and some women need to start valuing themselves. :)

[latebloomer]

64. it may be cheating to you

And you may think it is stupid, but you cross the line when you accuse women like myself who are tolerant of this of having low self-esteem! In fact, I have found the OPPOSITE to be true-- women who get all threatened and pissy about clubs or porn tend to be VERY insecure! They imagine that they are being compared to these women and are falling short.

Sure, I know that my body can no longer compare to some 20-year-old dancer's, but I am secure enough in myself and in my husband's love not to go off the deep end about such stuff.

[Darth_Kitten]

90. I'm not going off the deep end.

just expressing my opinion. :)

[dawg]

72. Darth Kitten .... the uptight prude!

I never thought I would see the day!

Actually, I kinda' agree with you that its not good. But I bet this guy just got dragged there by his friends.

[Darth_Kitten]

89. LOL

:evilgrin:

it's funny but I think the whole stripper business is just too stupid. Maybe I should clarify my position (pardon the pun??) more.

Latecomer, I do kind of believe that women indeed sell themselves short when it comes to being tolerant as to what their husbands do. ;)
Maybe I've seen too many women just give too much and get too little in return.

Maybe I'm insecure, but every human being born on planet earth is insecure to an extent, and if MY husband seriously did something to make me feel unworthy or unattractive, then by all means, I would let him have it (er, express my displeasure). And vice versa. :)

I'm not against anything erotic, or sexy or whatever, I just believe it's pretty sleazy for a guy to go to a bar and watch naked women slide down poles. ;) :evilgrin: What's wrong with private displays of sexuality that can be shared between two people? Why is sex always made so sleazy and dirty?

There, people, I guess I'm not as big an uptight prude as I thought I was.
And sorry, latecomer, if your relationship is fine then I wish you all the best! :hiya:

[latebloomer]

92. Of course if it really bothers a woman

She should let her partner know. This doesn't happen to be at the top of my list. We have many issues we struggle about as a couple, and I have no trouble voicing mine- and indeed I have a tendency to be rather controlling-- but this just isn't that important. And I don't think that means I am demeaned or servile or powerless.

[barbaraann]

73. Well, yes, but some women are just uninformed.

I honestly did not even know that "escorts" were prostitutes until I was in my thirties and I thought strip clubs were harmless until my fifties because I just didn't know the whole story.

Hollywood and the entertainment media generally present the sex industry in a glamorous way--Pretty Woman, for example--and most women don't know the truth and most men don't want to face it.

[scarlet_owl]

39. I have been married for three years

and I don't think I would be upset if my husband went to a strip club. I'm confident enough in our love and in our marriage.

[oneighty]

42. If you become

obsessed with what your husband may or may not be doing and move on to becoming overly possesive, you may not drive him away physically, but rest assured you will lose part of him.

180

[CanuckAmok]

45. I've never understood anyone's jealousy-based objection to...

...strip clubs.

They're not very sexual or sexy. They're more of a male bonding ritual. It's more about power and camaraderie. I doubt anyone goes to a strip club in hopes of getting laid (and those who do are delusional, and certainly light of pocket several hours later). Nor do I think men go to strip clubs to fixate on a particular woman to use later in fantasy--I think if you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

It's a shame that you object, and that he still feels compelled to go, even though he knows you'll have a fit if you find out.

Obviously there's something about it which he finds important enough to risk a confrontation.

[leftofthedial]

49. does your husband smoke?

If not, I'd wonder why the souvenir. Also, I'd be concerned if it was a regular habit.

Otherwise, personally I think it's no big deal.

I don't frequent such places, but have occasionally visitied one, either during business trips (I worked for a Japanese company and their visiting executives insisted on going to these clubs) or for a bachelor's party. I find them superficially tittilating but ultimately depressing and visiting them was never a threat to my marriage or relationship with my wife.

You should talk to him about it. He'll probably be embarassed and regretful.

[1a2b3c]

50. well im glad my girl and you are 2 different people

[Madrone]

53. Nudie bars...

I worked in one once, briefly, as a person at the door that took money.
I was fully clothed of course, but the one I worked in was an all nude club, so they didn't serve alcohol.

After I worked there, one of the dancers was my roomate for a little over a year - so let's say I'm fairly well aquainted with the industry.

Based on my experience, I would say I would NOT be upset in the least.

The die-hard regulars in such a place are a little troublesome (read: pathetic), but most people coming in were one-timers - guys with their buddies, guys just turning 18 and wanting to see what the fuss was all about, etc.

The dancers usually don't even pay attention to the guys they are dancing for, and probably couldn't even pick them out of a line-up later on if they had to.

Don't get me wrong - if my husband was going to a nudie bar on a regular basis, or we couldn't get pampers for the baby (btw, I'm not married) because he squandered it on dancers I'd be way pissed! But, if he once or twice went with some buddies I would not in the LEAST be uptight about it.

More of an issue to me would be lying about it, or not being forthcoming with the info that he went. I guess because I'm so open about it I'd be upset if I were lied to - there'd be no reason to keep it from me. In your case, it may simply be your husband got drug along with the boys and didn't want to bring it up because he knows it would upset you and cause some bad feelings.

Overall I'd say you should be less worried about a random trip to a strip club than you should be if he'd have gone to a regular bar. Dancers are all about the money, then on to the next guy. They are NOT interested in the guys beyond that. In a regular bar or nightclub you run more of a risk of some hoochie throwing herself all over your man. That's a fact!

Trust should play a part in this as well - if you wouldn't worry about your husband going to a regular "legit" bar for some drinks with the boys you have even less to worry about with him going to a nude club.

[barbaraann]

55. I know a man who left his wife and three kids for a stripper.

And the last time I talked to the ex-wife she was trying to figure out how to stop the man and the stipper from getting naked and taking her kids into the hottub naked with them. One of the kids was an adolescent boy. The mom cried all day long every day. Oh, and the husband is a wealthy, highly successful programmer and he and his wife live in an isolated home in the woods.

I also have a friend who along with her two sisters was a homeless teenager. Her two sisters became strippers (they are all gorgeous women) and one of them married a wealthy customer. Wherever they move the neighbors figure out the wife is a stripper and make life too uncomfortable for them to live there and they have to move. The other sister is rich now and lives alone in a isolated place.

I am acquainted (barely) with another woman who was a stripper as a teenager. She met a wealthy married man who set her up in an apartment and kept her until he tired of her.

Some strippers are looking for sugar daddies, not just tips.

[latebloomer]

63. OY!!!

Sure this stuff happens, but there's no need to bring up these remote possibilities in this case! Why get her more upset than she already is??

[barbaraann]

68. I wasn't going to but

I didn't want just one side of the story to be presented and stand as reality.

HOWEVER, most infidelities begin at work, etc., not strip clubs, so I think it is good to put everything in perspective and just be realistic.

[Nikia]

66. That is a remote possibility anywhere

There are some poor women who are sexually attractive and try to use that to have a better wife. This could just as easily happen at a regular bar or the workplace though. In fact it would probably be more likely at a regular bar. The most successful strippers don't need a man (outside of their professional environment) to give them money anyway.

[barbaraann]

69. I agree--actually I just posted that!

There's a GOP politician in California who met his current wife at church and divorced his wife at the time to marry her.

[last_texas_dem]

54. Do what feels right to you

I realize I'm in the minority here, but I always seem to be on these sorts of issues.

I'm a young unmarried male and don't believe in frequenting those sorts of establishments. I find them unsettling (and yes, I am straight) and more than a little degrading to women; if that makes me a prude, so be it.

What matters most here is your feelings about the actions he may or may not have taken and whether or not he deceived you. Even if his feelings regarding strip clubs differ from yours, he should consider your feelings and take them into consideration, because that seems to me to be a very important part of a marriage.

So my advice is to find out whether he simply borrowed the matches, whether he went unwillingly/willingly if he did go, whether he lied to you by omission, whether he knew how strong your feelings were about him going prior to now, and whether he will take them into consideration from now on if he didn't previously. What else you decide is up to you, but I hope you are able to feel better about the whole situation.

[populistmom]

57. I've been married 12 years

My husband went in his 20's to them "with the guys" or for bachelor party type of things, but he doesn't go now or hasn't since we were together. It's just not his thing. He doesn't drink and would rather have the real deal at home instead of some tease.
However, I've said before I could care less. I really couldn't. I remember when we were first together he joked about getting a Playboy subscription and I said it didn't bother me (which it didn't) and that year was the only year he had it. Same goes for online porn. But with him its an occasional thing, not like hours a day or something, perhaps if it was getting in the way of our own life I'd feel differently. The only thing that would really bother me is if he wasn't honest with me. If he went someplace and felt the need to hide it from me. That would bother me, but a strip club itself, wouldn't bother me at all. But everyone's different and who I am to say what someone else should do or how they should feel in their marriage.

[Nikia]

60. I don't have a problem with my husband going to strip clubs

He rarely goes. I think that it is better to be open with that sort of thing. My view is that if my morality and his morality match (as far as activities pertainly to our relationship) then he will know that he is doing something wrong if he is contemplating something that he would feel the need to hide from me. For example, if he thought that going to a strip club was alrigtht and I didn't, he might successfully hide it from me and somewhere along the line think that he could successfully hide other activites from me as well. My husband knows that as long as he does not sleep with someone else that I can handle anything that he would tell me.
I have a friend who frequented strip clubs for a few years. He rarely goes since he had stopped drinking three years ago. He says that although his wife would probably leave him if she found out, going there rather than the regular bar was safer as far as cheating. He didn't cheat on his wife, but feels that he may have if he went to aregular bar instead. Although the dancers appear to be throwing themselves at men, they really are not usually trying to take them home. At many bars, there are usually several women who really are trying home men.

[LWolf]

61. I would care.

Sorry, guys; I know many of you disagree. But to me, wanting to go to a strip club would be telling me that I'm not good enough; he needs more. Virtual cheating instead of physical cheating. Going without telling me would be deceit. Which would destroy the trust the marriage is built on.

I've been married to two cheats. I'm never getting married again. Trust is a fragile thing.

Just make sure he didn't pick the matches up someplace else!

[latebloomer]

67. Well, I've had cheatin boyfriends too

but my husband is not a cheater and I know it. He does, however, like to look at scantily clad women, and I do believe that is biologically wired in. If he goes to a club once in a blue moon, buys a mag or rents a tape, it doesn't make me feel inferior or that I'm not enough for him. I think it's a relatively safe substitute for indulging his fantasies in the flesh.

Hell, I have fantasies too-- they don't involve guys shakin their beehinds at Chippendales. Maybe they're even more threatening, if he were a jealous guy, because they involve more romanticized, soulful connections. Luckily he's a tolerant sort and he knows I'm not goin anywhere.

[amazona]

83. interesting that he has the reality, you have the fantasy

Having another girl masturbating you in your lap is cheating by my definition. It is not a fantasy. It is a real event. With a real flesh-and-blood woman.

It seems to me that your husband gets to go out and have actual physical contact with other women. While all you are getting is a fantasy in your head?

Now if you are actually able to go out and enjoy your "soulful connections" with physical contact with other men, then OK, the marriage is in balance. He has his something strange, and you have yours.

I have no problem with that.

But what I'm seeing here is too many women who are satisfied to allow their husband to have multiple physical contacts with others while they are getting nothing of equivalent value. An "open" marriage where only one person is allowed to cheat is not liberated or modern; it is exactly what the Victorians had. The men can buy whoever they can afford, and the wife sits home and gets a fraction of the action.

I personally would not be satisfied with that and would not tolerate that. If hubby is going to a strip club, fine, let me know the night, and I won't be sitting at home -- I'll be enjoying my own adventures. Fair is fair.

As far as men claiming they were visiting a strip club for business reasons, although it happens, progressives should be working to get this practice banned or least made socially unacceptable! Doing business in strip clubs is just another way to make sure that women executives and salespeople can never advance, because they can't provide the same freebie to their clientele. Ugh. Well, I suppose some women would be willing to attempt to transact business in a strip club to get ahead, but this is certainly my definition of a sexualized and hostile working environment where it would be very hard for the woman worker to be taken seriously.

Oh well, I've ranted long enough. Actually, I like nude bodies, I like porn, I have no problem with group scenes or whatever, but to my mind, when only one partner in a marriage is "married," something is wrong with the relationship.

[latebloomer]

87. umm. . . no

My particular husband does NOT have girls "masturbating in his lap"--I have actually been with him to the sorry-ass topless club he occasionally drops into-- and I saw no evidence of such activity with any of the customers. I would have a problem if I thought that was happening with him. I do NOT have an open marriage, and I don't believe in double standards either.

[LWolf]

86. I'm not talking boyfriends here.

I'm talking husbands. Married to the first one for 10 years. When he was dying, he told my mother, "I really did love your daughter. I just didn't know how to love."

Married my best childhood friend the 2nd time, because I knew I could trust him. And I did, and I knew he wasn't a cheater. And he wasn't. For 11 years. Cheating, for both of them, was more an indication of their insecurities. The situations reflected poor handling of their own issues rather than having anything to do with me. I know that, and I don't care. Monogamy is a choice, and if you don't prefer it, don't make the choice. If you choose it, stick to it. If you're really not interested, why go? Why watch?

[latebloomer]

88. Monogamy doesn't mean

that you don't have sexual fantasies about other people, and I think it's OK to have ways to channel that. I might choose to go to a Bruce Springsteen concert or watch Gabriel Byrne in almost anything--is that art? or lust?

[LWolf]

96. Who knows? Not me.

I probably don't relate because I never had sexual fantasies about people other than the men I was married to. I never seemed to need to; I was happy with them. They were enough.

[proud patriot]

65. I would not be mad about the strip club

But my husband would come home horny as hell and tell me all
the details and we would have hot hot sex afterwards .

Strip clubs don't bother me , but deception does .

You say he knows how you feel about strip clubs .
Well You need to be clear you'd rather him go to
strip clubs and be upfront about it than try to
keep it from you .

I hope you work it out :hi:

[Nikia]

70. I agree

That was what I was getting at in my post, but you said it better.

[dawgman]

74. We go to strip clubs for the same reason we get

drunk with our friends on occasion. Because we can't do it with the wife (well actually my would go with me but..).

[seaglass]

75. Well, they weren't borrowed matches.

He went. He apologized.

He was in a charity softball tournament with free food and beer all day. He went with a bunch of the players after the tournament. I knew he had a buzz after the tournament because he called me (he wasn't driving).

I asked him why he went when he knew how I felt about strip clubs and he said what do you mean, you WENT to a strip club with me (true, about 20 years ago).

I might be too forgiving and tolerant, but it works for me. I'm still not happy that he didn't tell me right away but I know he feels like a jerk for going and he won't go again so I accept that he's human and made a mistake.

I'm now embarassed that I posted this, I let my mind start wandering, wondering if he didn't tell me this what else didn't he tell me. I forgot that overall he is a good and trustworthy man.

[MaineDem]

79. I'm glad you talked about it

You know your husband; we don't. So we could only guess and speculate. I've found that if you're able to talk through an issue it usually resolves itself.

Thanks for the update. :)

[latebloomer]

82. Don't be embarrassed

We all have our moments. Anyway, you started a very interesting discussion.

If you haven't already, you might talk to him some more and clarify exactly where you both stand on this topic. Could be fruitful.

[corarose]

76. Next time he goes out on his own go to that club

Don't let him know that you found the matches just go there.

I wouldn't worry that much about it unless he is making excuses for being out when he shouldn't be out.

I would surprise him at the club.

[prolesunited]

77. Go with him next time

and show him what you learned when you get home. :evilgrin:

But, what do I know. I've never been married and am not even dating anyone right now. :shrug:

[Fight_n_back]

80. Someone could have given him the matches

If this bothers you then you need to make a clear boundary.

Where do you live? Strip CLubs aren't the same everywhere.

It can be a diffcult peer pressure thing especially when business is involved.

If you want to talk about this then IM me. I know a lot about this....

[seaglass]

94. Thanks Yang.

I'm in MA. The club has a website that says Table Dances = N/A, Private dances - 20.00. Do you know what that means?

I'm OK right now because I feel sure that he won't be going back, I didn't lambaste him but he knew I was unhappy. Boundaries are set.

[Fight_n_back]

99. My assumption is

that there is a no touch policy in MA as there is in the rest of the East (the reason for no Table Dances). No touch is good for you, belive me. There are also no "extras" in MA (to my knowledge) so your husband probably didn't do anything that any sane person would constitute as cheating.

Men go to strip clubs because beuatiful women treat them very well there. It also makes you feel kind of rich because one can spend a lot of money. There is also a bit of naughtiness and teenage like activity associated with the whole thing.

[lazarus]

84. strip clubs

are like restaurants where they let you smell the food and then take it away. :(

[Fight_n_back]

85. Not always...

in San Francisco and Atlanta Strip Clubs are like restaraunts..in almost everyway.

[Kathy in Cambridge]

91. Strip Clubs, Cheating and Limitations

My husband rarely goes except on occasion of bachelor parties or his annual golf weekend with his buddies. I don't consider it cheating if it's just looking, but he's well aware of my feelings about lap dances. I really think this kind of physical contact constitutes cheating and I trust him not to indulge. If he does, it basically gives me the green light to fool around.

[jody]

93. Tell hubby he'll live a longer more enjoyable life if he quits smoking.

:evilgrin:

[Hubert Flottz]

97. Sounds like he may have found the Lawd and went to save the

lost harlots from the Devil! He may have gone there to talk to Jimmy Swaggart!

[ScreamingMeemie]

98. Not mad at all. I'd rather have him there than in a regular bar with a

bunch of single women looking to score. Try not to be too upset...i.e. don't end your marriage over it, but he really should have told you he was going.

My husband knows...no friggin lap dances.

[regnaD kciN]

100. It could have been worse...

...they might have been matches from a Nevada brothel!

[stopbush]

103. At least the matches weren't from gay haunt

"not that there's anything wrong with that." - Jerry Seinfeld

[Dr Fate]

104. Does it matter where he works up his appetite...

so long as he eats at home?