LunaBush's Jokes Your Brother-in-Law Sends You Thread

[Wickerman]

Today, its time to share the pain. My Brother-in-law, bless his black soul, sends me about 10 jokes a day. Most just reek of blandness. Others are wretched, but some are out and out horrible.

Its Monday. You did NOT behave yourself this weekend, so now, as penance, you must read my BIL's worst of Monday's "jokes".

No thanks required, just post your own.

>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>
>Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
>At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
>
>And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

[sybylla]

1. My relative's sexist Thought for the Day

A man is driving down a road... Driving along, tra-la-lah...
A woman is driving down the road from the opposite direction. As they
pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG."

The man immediately leans out of his window and yells, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only men would listen.

[Wickerman]

4. that one is too good for this thread, sorry

[skypilot]

2. I'm sorry

...but I thought this joke was kind of funny in it's goofy little way. I've heard worse.

[Wickerman]

3. Fine, then try this one

And this is only a portion of Monday's haul...

It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark
and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth
and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit
for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the
wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife
Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take
very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map
of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user
tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky..
Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

AMEN!

[skypilot]

5. A bit long

...and preachy. Sounds like a joke that a conservative would love. Smaller government and all that.

[Wickerman]

6. Exactly, its pain, all day long

This one is kinda interesting, though

Things You Don't Want To Hear When Regaining Consciousness

"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."
"Blink once for 'yes'".
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"
"Why is there a tag on his toe?"
"Do you think he can hear us?"
"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia. Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse!"
"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."