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I got this e-mail the other day:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the least.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object, and tripping me doesn't help, because I can fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything larger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to insure your comfort. Look at the videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball! It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end (to maximize space used) is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is NO secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine assistance is not required.
The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell each other's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door:
"Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets":
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
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