My 18 year old niece is headed for a life of disaster

[demnan]

I know that sounds dramatic but I am so bummed now about her future. She's engaged to this guy a few years older, on probation, dumb as a box of rocks. She's living with him and for the first time since the age of 14 she's unemployed. What happened to the drive? What happened to studying to be a mechanic? Now she'll just be satisfied to go to Cosmatology school! And this girl needs good insurance, she's a diabetic.

We all had dinner last night. They are so broke and Mom and I both gave her her Christmas money. They plan to go to Delaware after the New Year as he thinks he can get a job there as an electrician. I'm sick about this! He's a likeable guy, just dumb with no prospects.

Oh well, the wedding is June 4 - unless she wises up.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. *hugs and prayers*

-------------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. Ouch

Wishing you the best. There is no solution, short of dramatic intervention. My heart goes to you and to you - sounds like she's given up her dreams for immediate gratification of some sort.

It is indeed sad.

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. A bright note demnan. I was that girl at one point in my life.

At 19, I fell in "love" with the wrong kind of guy. I dropped out of college and entered Costmetology School. Soon after, I was pregnant. The combination of my personal life getting so bad and being with this "man" on a daily basis helped me to wise up. I got lucky, because my parents had basically given up on me, and I somehow got the courage up to ask for their help. I left 3 days before our "wedding" and never looked back. 15 years later, I've got a lovely teenaged daughter, a license in cosmetology (if I ever need something to fall back on, cosmetology IS good money), a wonderful husband etc... I know this is tough for you to watch demnan. :hug: Let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you. If she knows that, she'll be more likely to perhaps come to her senses.

Hugs,Laura

[demnan]

6. Yeah I think I'd feel better

if she weren't the most severe type of juvenile diabetic. I don't think she should have kids, too much of a strain on the body, but you can't tell them anything.

[ScreamingMeemie]

8. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope she comes to her senses and

realizes the seriousness of her illness. :hug: Keep us updated.

[elehhhhna]

9. I was an idiot at that age, too. Stay in touch with her.

She'll straighten out with some gentle loving guidance...and don't dog the guy--some women will stay with bozoid man just to prove their families wrong.

[Justyce]

12. You've just summed up my

first marriage -- trying to prove them wrong when they were right all along... who knew... doesn't pay to be stubborn.

[elehhhhna]

14. how 'bout it. I overran the clock on one by 3-- okay, 4 years.

[ET Awful]

4. Let me tell you about my sister . . .

Who didn't wise up, has the same type of boyfriend (except he's in jail now, not on probation), has a 4 year old baby by the guy, has lost 3 jobs in the past 3 years, primarily because of him (frequent calls, coming to see her at work, etc.). Now, she has taken one of his ideas and stolen over $1,800 from her employer, been arrested for larceny and embezzlement, and after telling the cops that she got the idea from him, both of them are facing a conspiracy charge.

Fortunately for her, she's never been arrested for anything before, so she might get off easy. He's a multiple repeat offender though, hopefully they'll lose the key to his cell somewhere (immediately after they move a 300 pound fella named Bubba into the cell with any luck).

[bones_7672]

5. The thing is

YOU can't strongly say that her finace is trouble, or she'll cling to him all the more. Love her, pray for her, let her know that she always has a home to come to.

[demnan]

7. I know

I can't say a word. It wouldn't do any good anyway. The young guy is nice to her - I just worry that she doesn't see things realistically. She's so like my brother that way.

[Cheswick2.0]

10. keep encouraging her to get an education

encourage her to make sure she doesn't get pregnant until she has a good career. But don't say anything bad about him.

[one_true_leroy]

11. I hate to be the sunshine on an otherwise cloudy post...

but it may work out. My brother and sister in law both dropped out of high school, bummed around the country, started having kids when they were still teens, and were always just half a step ahead of disaster (and the law). But 12 years later, they are still married, have three wonderful children, he works hard every day to support them (those kids want for NOTHING!), and she's going to college to be an RN... and they are still in love. They sometimes bump along, but they are one of the most loving families I've ever known.


Ya never know!! :shrug:

[flygal]

13. Oh man, I thought my cousin was making a mistake but your niece is

in trouble. It doesn't sound good at all - I hope I'm wrong.

[demnan]

16. She has a very sweet trusting nature

Life hasn't taken a big shitty dump on her yet, except for the diabetes, I'm afraid that's going to change.

[buckettgirl]

15. Um, if they are that broke, then who is paying for the wedding?

If this is such a bad relationhship, then I sure hope that her Parents aren't paying for it. If she really loves him and he is good to her, they will make it. So what if she doesn't want to go to school now and further her education? In time she will see what it takes to get ahead and will move on through life at her own pace. Some of us have to learn hard lessons. Have some faith.

(Btw, you could very well be describing the situation I was in when I met my (now) husband 4 years ago - I promise that all is not lost and things do change)

Love conquers all

on edit: just because someone is on probabtion doesn't mean they are bad people and certainly doesn't mean that they can't change.

[demnan]

18. My brother has never been an active father to her

He is a deadbeat dad. The Mother and her parents have been the child's sole support. My mother and I were allowed to be part of her life on mutual agreement from her mother.

The wedding will be a very casual affair, to be held at a friend's farm - so it shouldn't cost much. I'm sure I'll be financially supportive to her as I have been in the past. I just wish she would get a trade or training for a career now before she goes off with this guy and has kids. Oh well. Thanks to all for the support.

[buckettgirl]

22. My best advice to you

Make sure that he treats her well. If he does, then you shouldn't have much to worry about unless she is using him to fill in the space her father left.
Don't freely give her money. Life is hard, and she shouldn't come to depend on a handout - especially if they aren't trying to budget and show they are somewhat financially responsible. She made this choice and has to live with it now.
Be supportive, and always let her know that no matter how bad it gets, you'll be there for her. My parents didn't do that for me, I felt I couldn't tell them anything or they would just bitch at me for my choices - never put her in that position.
If you do genuinely think her boyfriend is a nice guy (nonintelligent, but nice), then be accepting of him - that would be the easiest way to keep her close.
And lastly, make sure that she has and wants good birth control. Maybe this is something she can talk to you about if she has issues talking to her mom. A baby is the last thing they need.

I do wish that all turns out well. I do see how it can look disastrous. But always keep faith and trust in love.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

17. Can you convince them to at least condition the marriage to

him landing the job and staying in it for at least 6 months? And being able to save some, even if a few pennies?

[demnan]

19. Unfortunately

I'm in no position to lay any conditions on her, she is 18 years old and on her own.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

20. No, not you imposing anything. Suggesting a plan of action.

"Honey, I had an idea. Why don't you do it like this: after Joe lands the job, you set the marriage to (let's say) 4 months later, provided it's a stable job? This way you won't find yourselves marrying with no money."

Also, there should be no extravaganza at the marriage -- no money to throw around. If they love each other they'll be happy to be married by an Elvis impersonator at a roadside chapel outside Vegas.

[buckettgirl]

21. Amen to that

My husband proposed to me 4 days after we met. I was only 19 at the time. He was on probation for a misdemeanor (theft under $500) - this was his third one, but because of the timing he didn't get a felony.
I met him before I moved, I moved, then I moved back for him. We had no money, no jobs. He was finally able to get work, but then he got into drugs and shoved me out of his life. After three long months of separation, we reconciled and ran away to Dallas. We moved back home (Kansas) and lived with my parents while finding jobs and getting bills paid off and saving money so we could get our own place.
After three years, we were finally married. Things are much improved. He supports us while I attend college. We rent a nice little home and we are able to pay all our bills.

We were hellbent on getting married. We knew we were soulmates. We would have gotten married at the courthouse, but either didn't have time or money. He had a very small ceremony and paid for it and our own honeymoon.
If they truly do love each other, they will be content with a small ceremony and be appreciative of anyone helping them.

[Mrs. Venation]

23. My Niece is Going to Cosmetology School

She loves it. She's good at it. She says she can't believe she's going to get paid to do something she really loves to do.

We aren't all meant to be white-collar professionals, demnan. Just be sure you remain a part of her life. Sometimes a young woman will tell an aunt something she'd never tell her mom. Let her know you love her unconditionally.

[Aiptasia]

24. Do everything possible to make her see the error of her ways

And when she marries the turd anyway, be ready for the fallout. My oldest niece is headed down this same path. Nobody can tell her any different or any better, and we all see it coming.

[retread]

25. "He's a likeable guy, just dumb with no prospects". You left

out something. Does he love her? How does he treat her? With respect and kindness?

[Champ]

26. Alot left out about the man actually

All I know is that he "is as dumb as a box of rocks" and he is on probation, don't know anything else about him. What are some dumb things he does and what is he on probation for? Based on what I know I think "Heading for a life of disaster" may be over dramatic. She may like many women have do fall for the wrong man and realize it, but they learn from it and move it. But how he treats her, feels for her, does for her are important things missing for me to give my best advice(if that is what the poster is looking for?).