Dave Barry's Gift Guide for Christmas

[On the Road]

Usually we just hurl together a bunch of stupid, useless items that no sane human would ever actually buy. But this year we thought, ''Why not, for once, do something positive? Why not do a REAL gift guide, with items that people might actually WANT to receive?''

But just then our medication wore off. So once again this year we have followed our standard Gift Guide formula. First, we scour the nation -- defined as ''several catalogs in our office'' -- for possible gifts. We're looking for items that meet our three Critical Gift Guide Criteria:

1. The item has to be cheap.

2. The item has to have a certain indefinable quality that makes you go, ''Huh?''

3. Or, not.

---snip

LIST OF GIFTS:

• BAKGLO CAMPFIRE BUTT WARMER
• INFLATE-A-POTTY
• HEADSTONE CLEANER
•
•
•


http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/special_packages/gift_guide/10337733.htm

[On the Road]

1. I Guess Dave Barry is Passe

a kick and I'll let it drop.

[StopTheMorans]

2. hell no; i love Dave Barry!

kick!

[name not needed]

3. ha!

I never knew they made butt warmers. You learn something new every day. :D

[BlueJazz]

4. I think I posted this last year but it deserves repeating.

A close friend of mine started talking to me about what he had bought for his wife for Christmas. He had only been married for about 4 months and wasn't sure about gift ideas so he bought her a vacuum cleaner.

I looked at him for about 3 seconds and said: "Paul, are you fucking crazy??"...Do you want to sleep on the couch until next Christmas?
Do you want your wife to think that you're an insensitive piece of Shit??
Take that Cleaner back tonight to the store and we'll talk about life for awhile. :)

[On the Road]

5. Well in That Case

Well in that case, here's DB's current column (which also reminded me of the wonderful Christmas song Ding Dong Merrily on High):

Who named these guys Wise Men?

---snip

Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex reasons, by which I mean: women.

This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh -- at least according to my dictionary -- are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?

The answer is: men....

So the Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts -- which were not wrapped, nor were they accompanied by cards -- rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the goats (which ate them) and said: ''Next Christmas, we are going to have some gift-giving RULES.'' But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger.

---snip

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/10337737.htm

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

6. Thanks for posting. I love Dave Barry.

[mac56]

7. Dave Barry is the funniest man in the known universe.

I don't care if he's passe.

Seriously, though, he's planning to retire next year.