She dumped me.

[salinen]

After almost 8 years of marriage. We had separated 8 months ago but vowed to use the time to repair us. Then things worsened and I said that divorce made most sense. She fought that and said we needed to spend more time together. I wanted that too. So just when my hopes rise again and she wants to semi move back in, all hell breaks loose. And I have no information to back up the sudden change. I am now her worst nightmare(by the look in her eyes).

So I am now an emotional train wreak. I despise myself immensely. I have no desire for anything in this universe besides her. She will not see me or speak to me and said that it is 100% over.

I'm not asking for sympathy, all my friends have given everything they have. What I need is advice on how to go on. All I can do is cry. Nothing makes me laugh, and I have sleep full of nightmares.

[villager]

1. I have been exactly there...

We have two children, too, which kept me tied to her, even when it would've been easier not to see or speak to her again...

But you get through it. Day by day, is all. And the grieving isn't linear, but orbital -- you go in and out of it, and eventually, you realize the orbits between the bouts of grief/depression/funkiness are getting farther and farther apart...

[salinen]

6. Thanks villager

Today I am colliding with the mother planet. Tommarrow.........?

[villager]

32. the cosmic warp and woof continues!

I would often have to remind myself of that consciously, though, during the down times...

[dubyaD40web]

2. That sux dude

I hope things get better.

[tsakshaug]

3. did this 5 years ago

Dumped me cold, then came back and dumped me once more. I really had no clue.
Hate to say it, but the best thing to do is file the papers and move on.

I did find my "soul mate" after a year of depression. Counseling was a great tool

good luck

[salinen]

8. Twice dumped!

We were so in love and happy for so long. I'm sure I will take an anti-anxiety pill today. I hate those things.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. i think its normal to have some crying time.

[johnnie]

5. I'm sorry to hear this.

I don't really have any sure fire ways to make it all go away because it won't for a while.
I have lost someone I loved before, but I have never been married. When she first left the house I was so depressed that I thought I wouldn't make it. I started concentrating on the things that I found were better in my life without her there. Just stupid things like how I had the whole bed instead of only one small side. Other things such as being able to kick my shoes off after work and not have to pick them up until I was ready and not when she complained. Just things like that.
I know it feels like you are the only one to ever go through this and no one understands, but many of us do and many of us have made it though those shitty times.
Good luck to you and hang in there, things will get better.

[salinen]

11. She wanted a new big bed

just last month. So I bought a temperpeadic queen size. She spent two nights with me before telling me that she's lost all feeling. Looking back I see she purposely sabotaged us. She would not get involved with the things we always loved together. I'm an ass for ignoring the obvious.

[Pale Blue Dot]

7. Take deep breaths, and take it a day at a time.

I wish I could teel you that this pain will go away in a few days or weeks, but it won't. You're going to thing about this all the time, and THAT'S OK. My advice is simply to tell not to make any rash decisions. If you think you're going to do something impulsive, take a few breaths and call somebody.

There will also be a desire, in a few weeks or months, to rush into the first relationship you can find. This would be, in all likelyhood, a huge mistake. You have the time now, as painful as it is, to figure out what went wrong in this relationship. Use that time to avoid making the same mistakes.

Good luck, my friend, and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, just PM me. I know what you're going through.

[salinen]

13. I know

I want to move to Mars.

[Pale Blue Dot]

15. That would also be a mistake.

Mars is very cold, and there is no oxygen or water there.

I agree with Janesez. Go out to the movies, join a group that shares an interest of yours you have never indulged. It will get better, I promise. Just not today.

[fluffernutter]

9. time, it takes time.

you've lost a lot - your love and what you thought was your future, so you will need to do what you are doing, grieve.

it will get better, but it will suck for a while too. i'm sorry.
:hug: hang in there. try to do things that you really love to do, stuff you can maybe do now that you couldn't before. do things for YOU.

[Phillycat]

10. Read and watch movies that are utterly engrossing.

That's what I've been doing since I got dumped last week (although mine was after 8 months, not 8 years. I can't imagine what you're going through.) But so I watched the LOTR trilogy on DVD, then picked up the book and read the whole trilogy in 2 days. I'm just keeping myself utterly out of my head as much as possible. Also I am spending a lot of time with my friends, who have been wonderful. I don't drink, and I don't recommend it, either.

[salinen]

14. Yeah

I don't drink either. 8 months is a long time too. I am going to try to be busy. That's good advice. I'm crying so much everything taste like snot.

[Phillycat]

20. Mmmmsnot!

;-) You're still funny. That's a good sign. I'll bring something to this thread to cheer you up. Be right back. :)

Edit: here you go: http://www.westernthickburger.com /

It always works for me. I don't know if it's the music, or the obscene amount of meat...anyway, give it a try. :)

[salinen]

23. At this point

I see her as the girl and me as the burger. I'm so off that a sunny day with birds singing and dolphins splashing would depress me. I just looked out the window. Foggy and cold and wet. Perfect.

[Phillycat]

30. At least the weather is cooperating with your mood.

Clearly god is on your side. :)

I find that when I'm really, really bad, the only thing that makes me feel better for even short periods of time is to be helpful to others. Call someone and see what you can do for them.

[salinen]

31. My feeling exactly

Too much self pity.

[Phillycat]

33. Yes.

That is not to say that what you're going through isn't perfectly justified. But to help YOURSELF, get out of the self pity. It's for YOU, really. Anyway, it works for me. :hug: Feel better.

[Gothic Sponge]

12. I've been there. Take it slow!

My wife left me over a year ago, and i was devastated. I'm still not 100% over my break up....maybe i never will be, but you learn to live with the scar on your heart. Take long walks to clear your head...it helped me.

[salinen]

16. Thanks GS

I have a beautiful little dog who will not tolerate an entire day of me crying.

[Gothic Sponge]

19. Hang in there.

I spent the first day on my bathroom floor crying.

:hug:

[salinen]

25. That a room I haven't tried yet

I'll wash the floor first, too much dog hair.

[NewJeffCT]

17. went through divorce in 1999

1) While you tend to blame yourself entirely at first, it's not all your fault or all her fault. Even before I met my ex, I was one of those people that thought everything bad in the world was my fault - and, that got exacerbated with the mental abuse my ex put me through at times. However, I started looking at some of her negatives and started to think that it was really not all my fault. Looking back, I can honestly say I put my all into that marriage and I'm pretty sure she cannot say the same.

2) Get out & start dating as quickly as possible. It may be hard, but if it is, try a lap dance at a strip joint - get used to seeing other women, talking to them, etc. It was strange for me... before I got married, I was kind of shy & naive about women and would always be told that I was "too nice" to date. While divorcing & then divorced, I somehow changed and I seem to make up for those pre-marriage dating droughts very quickly.

3) Hang around some people in their early 20s. My ex-wife told me I was lucky she didn't max out ALL of my credit cards before filing for divorce (she came close, though!)... however, with the high interest, I had to take a second job in a restaurant to make ends meet for a year. Most of the staff there was in their late teens/early 20s and college student types and I was in my early 30s. It was amusing to hear them talk about how huge & terrible their problems were, when they were really little compared to what I had experienced, but it did make me feel funny to be able to think, "and you think you have problems????"

[SarahB]

18. Sorry.

I'm the female in a situation like this (divorcing someone who says he still loves me). I don't know if I can provide any insight, but in my case there were problems for years and whenever I tried to rationally discuss them or work on them, all I got was denial and anger thrown in my face. Eventually, I just had to shut off whatever good emotions I had for my own sanity. I couldn't get them back either when he finally realized the extent of how serious I was.

You're situation is likely different anyway. This is just mine. I'm sorry you're hurting. Very much so. :hug:

[salinen]

21. Sounds similar

only I'm not as prone to anger or denial. Regardless, I know that she will never regain her feelings for me. She always had wars going on with other people. I always sided with her. I came to realize that she was at war with me but always talked of her other warfare. Then finally claimed that we could not communicate our feelings.

She is totally terrified of confrontation, and let everything go to the point of collapse rather than face the hard words. She is going to have a rough time. I still want to protect her and I can't. She has a large family and doesn't speak to anyone. When I realized she was going to dump me, I finally spilled out that she was wrong to abandoner her family, and that she should speak to them as soon as possible. She called them that night after 1 year without a word.

[flamingyouth]

22. I'm sorry to hear this

I would recommend getting some counseling. Most of all, let yourself grieve this, as it is a huge loss in your life. I've had a lot of people tell me to "keep busy," but sometimes I think you just need to hole up with your favorite junk food and cry your eyes out.

[Feathered Fish]

24. I'm sorry

:(
I can't offer heaps of advice, but I am still sorry. You'll bound back so keep it real. :hug:

[salinen]

26. :=(

[GreenPartyVoter]

27. I am so sorry *hugs and prayers* Wish I had the answer for getting

your world back in order!

------------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com /

[Dastard Stepchild]

28. Oh my... sorry to hear this...

Her response to you is unfortunate, but that's not a reflection of you, so do try to not take it personally. It's a traumatic life change. Divorce is one of the biggest stressors a person has to face in their life. Just knowing that for now it is expected and understandable to feel miserable might help. When I ended a very serious relationship years back, I felt down for months. Things do pick up - we're a more resilient sort than we give ourselves credit for. Rent a few comedies, treat yourself with care and compassion, and just keep plugging along.

my best...

[salinen]

29. My heart is a rock

We had a love that was perfect.

[myopinion]

34. Don’t feel alone-Me too

Me and my wife had not been getting along, so I come home from work one night and she say’s casually “there is a letter on the counter for you”. I open it up and its divorce papers, I was floored. I hope there are no kids involved that’s the part that really sucks, the ex I can do without as she is just a bitch.

[salinen]

35. No kids

thankfully.