Townhall meeting from the bizarro 2008 Democratic campaign

[MisterP]

*A curious transmission from parallel universe Aleph:*


Candidate Uncle D (above, left) spits fire literally, as does Jane Wyman (right), metaphorically, upon seeing Nancy Reagan make a sudden appearance (below, left) at the Pig Knuckle, IA, airport where several prospective candidates for the 2008 Democratic elections have gathered for a townhall meeting. (Udders/Ronald Fishface)
Participating are:

Uncle D, born 1025
Motto: "Overheated, overworked, overenthusiastic, overwhelming"
Cons: not human or mammalian, manic, impulsive, uninhibited and unrestrained, about as stable as a ferret on a hot metal ball, may attract Left Behind freaks in armor with lances, drinks paint thinner, unmarried.
Pros: active, excited, liberal, breathes fire, flight-capable, thick-skinned (1.5 inches), durable, wealthy, pro-animal-rights because, you see he(?) IS one!; genderless so affairs are impossible; inspires both children and potheads; has seen history since 1889; likable.

Max Headroom, booted 2019
Cons: tells the truth, jitters, always correct, critical of corporations.
Pros: tells the truth, always correct, critical of corporations.

Sawthern Warbucks, born 1941
Cons: anti-choice, -homosexual, -black, -woman, -tolerance, -gun-control, -activist, -child, -animal, -poor, -peace, -sex-ed, -environment, -civil-rights, -worker, -"egghead," -evolution, -public-anything, -Michael-Moore, and whatever else makes life bearable; has no pupils or soul; sympathizes with Pinochet, Franco, and Mrs. Cheney and Dole.
Pros: has no "losing issues" because they're all far-right, child of wealthy and respected businessman, DLC-supported, has a drawl; shoo-in.

Jellyfish, spawned 2004
Cons: unimaginably worthless.
Pros: no "losing issues" because he has none at all; shoo-in.

Anderson Cooper: "Good morning from Pig Knuckle, Iowa. I'm Anderson Cooper from CNN and I'll be reporting--"
Headroom (on-screen): "Distorting!"
Cooper: "--this townhall meeting in the service of my corporate masters. Also here is Wolf Blitzer, also from CNN; the audience has several dignitaries, including Nancy Reagan, Jane Wyman, someone who knew the Bl. Ronald Reagan from his 20 Mule Team Borax days, and President Bush might be dropping by for this catch-as-catch can public meeting for four prospective bizarro presidents."
Blitzer: "Unfortunately, the second John-and-John ticket in four years could not be here with us: Linnell and Flansburgh had a prior meeting in Chicago and were unavailable."
Cooper: "Let's get started."

*More to come*

[MisterP]

1. the madness continues

Audience: "Since the most likely Republican opponents will be either Wormwood or Famine, Horseman of the Apocalypse, how well do you think you will do against either one?"
Headroom: "I have a question too! As a dragon, what do-do-do-do-do you feel about smoking?"
Uncle D: (laughs)
Jellyfish: "Glub."
Uncle D: "Well--"
Warbucks: "Before beginning, I would like to take credit for the selection of Pig Knuckle, Iowa, as the debate site. I chose it because it is real America, not the Hollywood liberal elitists or the screamers in Seattle or the big-city snobs of New York or Chicago or Dallas."
Headroom: "But you'll gladly weep over their-their being killed by terrorists like in 2006 and 2007 and 2008. You were so supportive of Bush then! Swearing how he'd keep us safe in the future, but now we have to follow him be-be-because it's a time of war--whichever war he wanted at the moment. First IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIran and then Korea and then Malaysia..."
Blitzer: "Please answer the questions."
Jellyfish: "Glub...glub...glub."