Yikes. My eighteen yr old son has a 23 yr old girlfriend

[cali]

He just turned eighteen, and this is his first real girlfriend. He's a senior in HS, she's a college grad. I don't know how to react to this. He's a pretty good kid, but they've been seeing each other for almost two months now, and I didn't have a clue. He goes out just about every weekend, and that's when they've been hooking up. I just met her and she seems nice enough- very pretty. What's she doing with him? I mean that's a big age difference. I can't forbid him to see her, and I know my kid's been sexually active before this and responsible about it, but it seems like a lousy idea. Anyone been through something like this before? BTW, my ex knew weeks ago and didn't tell me. He thinks it's amusing. Grrrr.

[Placebo]

1. Seems like a fine idea to me.

But then, I'm an 18 year old guy and I've dated people a lot older than me

[thedailyshow]

2. So what if she's a few years older?

The age difference shouldn't be enough to make you worry in this case. Relax, and get off his case. I've dated women older than me, and I like that because they're more mature and they have a different kind of approach to life than women my age or younger. This might be why your son is dating his girlfriend, is that he finds her refreshing in comparison to other girls in his past.

[cali]

22. I'm worried that he's

going to get his heart broken. Yes, I know that's part of life, but this is his first real girlfriend, so of course I wish it was someone nearer his age. Still, it's reassuring to hear first hand that it's been a good experience for you.

[vinnievin777]

45. time to cut the apron strings mommy

Vinnie Vin
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1932852344/qid=1086103239/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/104-7006802-5544745?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

http://www.vinnievin.com

[cali]

49. He's never been attached to them

expressing concern for your kid is hardly the same as holding on too tight. He's always been allowed the freedom to make up his own mind. Your ignorant and snide remark isn't rooted in the reality of his life.

[enigmatic]

48. What does her being older have anything to do w/ breaking hearts?

When a relationship ends it doesn't matter if the person is older or younger that does the breaking up; it hurts no matter what.

Cut the apron strings...

[mark414]

3. as a 19 year old

who has spent time with a couple substantially older women (23 and 28), i just have to say that they are quite a stabilizing force, that is if they're mature women. they both helped me grow up quite a bit. though i suppose, technically, that i was never really dating either of them...

but if he's responsible and all that he should be ok.

[JVS]

4. Make sure she's not manipulating him

She is older and thus presumably wiser. Keep an eye on her.

[HEyHEY]

34. She should make sure she's helping him with his homework too

I mean hey she's in College right

[serryjw]

5. Not a parent.....

but I wouldn't worry. You did a good job and a 23 yr old is attracted to him. I'm sure this is not really serious for either of them.

[theorist]

6. I'm not sure, but I have a question.

What if he were just finishing up his first semester in college? Would you feel any different about it?

[cali]

15. That's a really good question

I probably wouldn't be as troubled, but I'd still have misgivings. I just think it's a big age difference at that age.

[snippy]

29. That is a good question.

My first question was whether your son was still in high school. I see that he is which leads to my second question which is where and how did they meet?

I don't think that the age difference is that significant depending on their maturity levels and interests.

[bettyellen]

7. why does it bother you so much? he's 18, they'll be lots of others....

[Cheswick2.0]

8. I was a mother at 23

I can't imagine having been in a "relationship" with a 17/18 year old. Now 5 or 6 years difference is nothing, but at age it is a big difference.
I can see what he wants with her, but I'm thinking she is imature in some way. Is she a college grad? What is she doing with her life?

[tjdee]

23. Yup, when I got out of high school I wasn't looking at high school "kids".

The age difference isn't so big actually, she could have been an old senior in h.s. when he was a freshman....but in terms of maturity....

Women mature quicker than males, and when I graduated college I wasn't nearly going anywhere high school kids would be hanging out. (Of course I could have run into them at stores, etc.)

Had I picked up a 18 year old, I don't know how long it would have lasted. Totally different places in life.

BUT--
It's clear that the son must be mature for his age and look so.
Love is so rare if you've got a chance at it you might as well take it, hope it works out for them.

[thinksmart]

9. Another way to look at it

He may learn something about relationships from her. The age difference is not that big. The best you can do is give him solid advice growing up and trust him to make the right decisions and make his own mistakes (within reason of course).

[Truman01]

10. Good for him. He must be a pretty mature guy for her to like him.

Don't worry.

[Quetzal]

11. This is just an observation from someone who is a part of

your son's generation.

Age is not really an issue anymore in today's youth generation. My friend who is 20 is dating someone who is 28.

[Deja Q]

12. 5 years difference, that's not bad.

:shrug:

[skygazer]

13. I don't really see an issue here

An 18 year old girl dating a 23 year old guy would not likely raise eyebrows - why does it when it's the other way around? Why is she with him? Maybe she finds him fun, witty and amusing. Maybe he likes dating someone with a little more experience (which is why girls tend to date older guys). I would relax, mom. He sounds like a good, level headed kid to me.

[thecrow]

14. That's okay... my 16 year old had a 22 year old Girlfriend

It all ended when he was 18 and she called me complainung that "he was such a kid". I asked her... "what do you expect from him? HE IS A KID!"
She was very insecure and he was very avant guard.
I used every opportunity to drop little comments that he should try for a peer group girlfriend.
Finally, the thrill wore off and now he has been going with this wonderful girl more his age and they have been dating for 2 years.

I considered the situation and figured I could go into a fury over the age disparity or just stay cool, drop my comments and not alienate my son. I told him I didn't approve of the situation.
When it was break-up time, he confided in me as a friend instead of an adversary.

He will ride it out. He's experimenting. This too shall pass.

[cali]

26. Thank you!

This sounds like a parallel situation. He's an avant-garde type in some ways too. I think part of it is that I didn't get terribly good vibes from her. I didn't blow my cool, and I'd never forbid him to see her. My son and I have a great relationship and there's no way I'd imperil it. Still, he's young in many ways for his age, and the sensitive type. I just want him to emerge emotionally intact.

[medeak]

37. thank you too!

17 yr old son just starting seeing some girl he met at local college this week. (he takes full college load besides high school)

Was a bit freaked out until reading your post.. thanks. Don't see how he has time for a girl at any rate...only concern is that she's from area I call "incest valley" .. son calls me elitist..but had to do home care in this neighborhood and that's exactly what I observed. Husband bought a case of condoms at Costco.

[Saffy]

16. 18 to 23 is not such a bad ratio

I totally sympathize with your uneasyness- as I have a 16 y/o who dated a 19 y/o (now over)- and felt similarly.

The whole age quandry has me in a tizzy due in part to my ex-husband currently dating someone your son's age (ugh), but it has also given me a slightly different set of parameters to consider. It's so hard to separate the emotional issues from the practical until it happens to you personally, dontcha think?.

But, all things considered, this age difference suggests that your son is relatively mature for his age (or perhaps she's immature for hers- but let's consider the positive first). The only thing that would seriously concern me is that she's of drinking age, and he's not. But, if he could just as easily find a male friend of legal drinking age to pal around with if that was his intention, ya know?

The fact that you met her and approve of her (except for the age diff) is a good sign. It's also a good sign that he brought her home to meet you sooner rather than later.

[Renew Deal]

17. My girlfriend is six years older.

But I am 28

[gaia_gardener]

18. It could be worse

My mom's best friend is 8 years older than her husband. And she married him when he was 19, she was 27, divorced and had a child. His uber-traditional mother just about had a heart attack.

[Charlls]

19. your son gives her something other more 'mature' guys

can't give her. Thats all

[Renew Deal]

20. An extra 10 minutes?

[NightTrain]

21. When I was 17, I had a 22-year-old girlfriend.

Trust me, it was no big deal!

[jrthin]

24. Give your kid

some credit: there's a lot to see in him.

If you say nothing, he's got nothing to rebel against and he'll therefore go through his phase and then make the right decisions.

[bobthedrummer]

25. They are both adults, it's biology too-I wouldn't worry--yet.

[readmylips]

27. My newphew (32) just broke off with his (48)

year old girlfriend, 16 years difference. She left her husband and 4 children to be with my nephew. My nephew (a hunk) now met a girl of his age group and wants to marry and have his own children. The 48 year old ex girlfriend is upset because she gambled her life, her future and her family for a younger guy. We knew this brake up would come but she didn't listen.

[bigwillq]

28. I don't think it's that big of a deal

I know he's your "baby" and you want to protect him but there are plenty of people out there who are younger/older than their mate.


If they can make it work on a number of different issues, than there isn't too much for you to be worried about.

[freeplessinseattle]

30. when I was 27 I had an 18 year old boyfriend

who was actually more mature than the 40ish guys I've dated. It was nice that he wasn't already jaded, had a sweet, simple view of life, and was still trainable (as my ladyfriends liked to say, I didn't try to train him, really, I didn't;). The generation gap was a little strange at times, for instance, our difference in ages would be apparent when I'd say something about "Three's Company" and he had no idea what I was talking about, so I mentioned Suzanne Somer's Thighmaster ads, and he was still uncertain. boy did I feel old. but it was flattering and fun to date someone young, though I would ask him to take off his baseball cap when we met my friends b/c he looked about 15 with it on, I felt bad asking him, but he was compliant, still trainable, it was weird. wonder how gracious he is now?

[Dr Batsen D Belfry]

31. That's nothing

When I was in high school, one of my close friends was dating the girl next door. He was 17, she was 34.

:evilgrin:

DBDB

[HEyHEY]

32. Give your son a pat on the back from me

:evilgrin:

[RagingInMiami]

33. He's 18. He's an adult

And he's probably the envy of all his friends.

[readmylips]

35. My husband is 12 years my senior....

When I was in first grade, he was in college. Today, the difference is that he listens to old music and I listen to rock N roll baby. He doesn't dance much and when we do, I have to lead or dance by myself. But we do have a great time.

[Mike Nelson]

36. I think it's fine.

You should't worry about their ages... but maybe the woman's partents should!

[Magrittes Pipe]

38. I am 29. My girlfriend is... not.

I'd not worry too much about it.

[LincolnMcGrath]

39. As an eighteen year old Senior I was having

a fling with my band/chorus instructor. (Age 22 or 23) Though you seem stressed out now, things could be worse for a loving mother.

[goodboy]

40. I'm proud of him...if she's nice, and he likes her...what the hell

[VOX]

41. I had a 23 year-old grilfriend when I was 17, and it was **no problem**...

She even had a 3 year-old daughter. She was a delightful person, and we had a great time together.

No psychological damage whatsoever -- to any parties involved.

I wouldn't worry too much.

[Champ]

42. I don't see anything to be concerned about

Seems to be a pretty healthy relationship with the possibility like any relationship of breakup or the rest of their lives together.

[Cuban_Liberal]

43. Well, speaking as someone with a s/o 6 years younger...

I'm not sure it's a problem, per se.

:)

[soothsayer]

44. that's fine. now if she was 28 or 20,, THEN he's screwed

but until then, eh. whatever.

[Bouncy Ball]

46. He's 18?

Well. Um. He's 18.

Don't worry, they won't be picking out china patterns anytime soon.

[Solon]

47. Don't worry about it too much...

When my Dad met my Mom, he was 20 and she was 25, so far they have been married 27 years with few problems. Even worse, my Dad is and will always be shorter than my Mom, good thing I didn't inherit that from him! :)

ON EDIT: Though I will say that I was always attracted to women both older than me, only slightly though, and taller, I think that's genetic.

[Guarionex]

50. hahaha

Sounds like you got yourself a playa, there! Talk about ambitious! And yes...guys will usually react with amusement precisely because they kinda feel this pride that he's been able to get such an older girl...he must have skills (and you should be proud of that...no harm there).

Anyway, my advice (as a 25 year old who had MILDY intrusive parents) would be to give him space, but emphasize to him ONCE (and in a very serious and direct way, so he has your attention), that you are there for him in case sometime sour happens. He's 18th...it's probably a virtual certainty that something sour WILL happen (she'll cheat on him...he'll lose interest or find that as he ages will have new interests and she will hold him back...etc.) Unless he's one of those rare few that find the perfect mate at 18, it's a virtual certainty that something will happen. If he's the one very attached, he'll need your support when he breaks, and if you talked to him like I adviced, he will remember, and will come to you for a shoulder to cry on. If he's the one that pushes her away, then chances are that he will probably talk to you about the breakup, but will spend more time reflecting on his own about the meaning of the relationship.

Whatever you do, don't intrude in the relationship (unless you see or hear about something that is clearly very damaging to him, like if she is using him, or abusing his trust, etc.)

As hard as it is, he needs to learn the up and downs of emotions on his own...he needs to love her passionately, and he needs to be hurt by the relationship at some point...it's the only way to learn how to be more complete and mature human beings...

I hope that helps...and I tip my hat to your son...must have skills indeed!

[Poiuyt]

51. Don't be an age bigot

Would it bother you if she was black, or Asian, or Jewish? It's hard enough to find another person who you like without having to be concerned about age.