How do I tell my brother I no longer want to have a relationship with him?

[Ladyhawk]

I made it clear to my mother that I didn't want to have anything to do with her or anyone who voted for Bush**. (That's only part of why I broke off the relationship, but it was the final straw, so it's as good a reason as any.)

Apparently, my brother didn't get the message. He tried to call me today. I really have no ill feelings toward my brother, but I no longer want to be exposed to his crazy world view. As an Ayn Rand objectivist, he believes that greed is good. He'll tell you so. Everything he does is based on greed and I'm tired of dealing with him. He's cruel to animals and greedy and neo-fascist. It's really quite disturbing to be around him for any length of time.

I've never really blown up at him, so he'll be a bit befuddled. I don't want to hurt him or belittle his world view because (for one thing) it wouldn't do a bit of good.

How would you break it off?

[Deja Q]

1. Once he realizes that even greedier people will do away with his career,

will he still hold his ridiculous ideology so purely?

It's a good question to ask him at just the right time.

I'm assuming he's not an exec of a giant multi-national corporation, seemingly the only job that has any security of any sort.

In the inquisitive context, it isn't belittling.

But definitely use the "it's about me" scenario as applied to him. Try to break that barrier before breaking it off. There's enough divisiveness in this degenerate country as it is and it's got to stop. (I've been guilty as well, I can't deny it. But I also know that my hatred is wrong. And most of the problems stem from the leaders anyway; we're all pawns in their game anyway.)

[skygazer]

2. I guess I'd tell him what you just said here

"Everything you do is based on greed and I'm tired of dealing with it. You're cruel to animals and greedy and neo-fascist. It's really quite disturbing to be around you for any length of time."

If that's an accurate description, why are you worried about hurting him or belittling his world view? If you are worried about those things, why are you breaking it off?

[Maddy McCall]

3. Caller ID...it's the greatest invention in the world.

Just don't answer the phone when he calls. Don't answer the door, either.

I shrink from confrontations with family members...I do better just avoiding the ones who are assholes.

When you talked to him today, how was it? Isn't it possible that you can detach from your family members without completely evicting them from your life?

[serryjw]

4. email him

and tell him that.

[kedrys]

5. Get Call Blocking, I'd start with that

'twould make it more difficult for him to harass you, at least.

Good luck, I don't envy you what you must be going through. :hug:

[enigami]

6. well i duno

afterall he is your brother....i don't agree with my brother but I could never just break off our relationship

[Milspec]

7. He's cruel to animals ???

Everything else can be justified as opinion that differs from yours, hence not worth braking the bond of brother/sister, but the cruel to animals is difficult?

[Ladyhawk]

12. He's in a position of power at a prison and is cruel to the inmates, too.

It's tough, but I just don't want input from family anymore. It's been toxic and it has to stop.

[chookie]

15. Here's hoping....

...that your moral stand wakes up the hideously morally deformed people around you.

It's ain't gonna be easy, Hon, but it looks imperative.....

[Inland]

8. I hate to hear this sort of thing

I hate to hear about breaking it off or ending a family relationship, just because people change and you never know. Jesus, does any Rand fan NOT grow out of it?

If his problem is greed as a vice, then you can simply not give him the benefit of what you would do with people you trust. And when you find you have to do that, you can tell him why.

Maybe you should take his call and keep it short to keep the crazy world view out of the conversation. I guess a brother is not the same as a fellow traveler, but not so bad in itself. I'll have a brother long after I stop posting here, and so will you. Good luck.

[chookie]

11. Hmmm.

As I posted below, I am hoping a less drastic solution is necessary.

People DO recover from Rand. It seems to be, for most folk, a phase.

Things ARE really fucked up all over -- and some people can only navigate in our increasingly bizarre world by seizing onto simplistic absolutes. It's sad, but its true -- it's a human variation....

But his brain, especially if he is fairly young (less than 24) might recover from this. He very well may come to understand he embraced this harsh judgemental philosophy BECAUSE of the very human frailties Rand scoffs at (otherwise no one would read the biatch).

Some people, with authoritarian tendencies -- who are NOT the type to embrace religious fundamentalist ideology -- might be the type to embrace the "science" of Rand. But underneath, these secularist authoritarians have the same extreme emotional and psychological needs that wacked out fundies have.

[Ladyhawk]

13. He's 41. And he has a Republican state senator for a best friend.

He's a correctional officer who gets off on power. He's cruel to inmates and to animals. This greed thing isn't a phase. :(

[chookie]

14. Then it is obvious, my dear

"Bye bye!"

Hon -- get away from this moral freak.

I wish you the best.

[NV Whino]

9. You've already said it.

"Everything he does is based on greed and I'm tired of dealing with him. He's cruel to animals and greedy and neo-fascist. It's really quite disturbing to be around him for any length of time."

Call him, write him or e-mail him and tell him what you have said above. Tell him, "No further discussion. Don't call or contact me."

Then let him go and don't feel guilty about it.

[chookie]

10. Can it be not quite so drastic?

I certainly understand how you feel -- and frankly, don't know how you have tolerated it. I am so very fortunate that my family are all anti-Republican; however, I do have a few friends who have gone over to the Dark Side, like some kind of mental illness....

Any way to get him to agree to a truce on discussion of politics? Very difficult when such dramatic events are going on, but it can be done with individuals. Have ground rules -- i.e. he breaks the rule and you forbid him to contact you.

That is the condition of your continued contact. Period.

Mind you -- that is the rational solution. Family is family, for better or worse. Clearly he loves you or he would have suggested this himself already eh? -- unless he is some kind of bully who hounds you to taunt you or "teach" you continuously. (In that case, it's definitely time for "Hasta la vista, Stupido!")

I am not arguing with your desire to sever relations with this wacko. All I am suggesting is that PERHAPS there is some way to salvage a small part of your relationship. Bush isn't going to last forever. Eventually, unless he is a Totally Lost Soul, your brother will have to apologize for his support of this maniac. Try to be gracious when he does :-)

On the other hand, I certainly sympathize -- as I have a very very dear friend who went over to the Dark Side, of whom I have posted here from time to time, who is now quite insane. Actually I do suspect that he is now clinically paranoid; he may have snapped at some point, and the only world he can navigate in these days is the Sturm und Drang of the extremist Reich.... Do I go out of my way for him these days, despite our long and once profound friendship -- ooops, sorry, not -- and sometimes I am ashamed of this. I so envy people like Al Franken and Jon Stewart who can "get along" with these folks, but they have a level of social behavior I am not in the habit of....

Whatever you do, my dear, you have my support and my sympathy.

[JVS]

16. I wouldn't break it off.

Brothers need love. Even (perhaps even especially) brothers with crazy views

[faithnotgreed]

17. ladyhawk - you sound like a very sweet mature person in a

very difficult and complicated situation esp as it is directly about choosing relationship - or not - with your family

and from reading your posts over the past weeks, it feels like you have dealt with this for so long and have tried so many other ways of dealing with the situation that i have to say that i support your need to break away from the toxic relationships that you have

since you say you havent spoken of your feelings directly with your brother then i would first hope that you are able to clearly, kindly but firmly communicate what you feel and what you need. this doesnt have to be an either/or, where this is a permanent situation.

express what you need because you havent. listen and say what it is you need and then you can know what is best to do as you go through the conversation. it doesnt need to be forever, but at least for some time.

i believe with the right combination, pretty much all people can change. but that is not the issue right now - or not your issue. whats important is that you have realized after so long, that as much as you want him to change, its not your job to make other people feel or do anything. the best you can do - after all you have tried to do - is have an adult conversation and let him know you care about him but you cannot have a relationship right now.

who knows? maybe he will want to talk a little about it. maybe not but you did what you needed to do for your health which i know is not good. and you are clearly being the caring human being in all this who is expressing healthy boundaries. not many of us do that and i wish there was more of that in the world when we see people who destructively cannot or will not respond to outreach and efforts of help and love.

my thoughts are with you both on this. and whatever you feel is best for you is what i would like for you. youre taking risks and thats scary but if its more toxic with someone than without, then i hope youll fight for your self first

[Floogeldy]

18. By your actions