Need advice - What to do about the "horrible relative"?

[DustMolecule]

I have thought and thought about this problem (and asked some of my non-online friends) and am just confused about what to do here.

I have a very wealthy close relative, who has done some UNBELIEVABLE things these past 6 months to some other relatives (trying to get power and control over them and their money). I have done all I can to protect the good relatives from this assault on their autonomy, which was all being done "in their best interest" of course (NOT! but 'horrible relative' (HR) really believes this). We have been successful in staving off these "advances" so far.

I was just told that as recently as two days ago, that 'horrible relative' said they hated me! (because I wouldn't stand out of the way, and let 'horrible relative' get their way).

This year I have stayed away from our traditional Thanksgiving and pre-Christmas celebrations, b/c I felt it would be hypocritical to go and be there with 'horrible relative' and act like 'everything is okay', when it fact it's not. I'm appalled at HR's actions!

Anyway, HR KEEPS PUSHING to get together. HR wants to come over and bring presents for me and my children. Most of my friends say just take the gifts and run, HR is so freaking wealthy! I don't feel this is right. I don't want to accept 'gifts', when HR's actions are so callous, dirty, and low towards others.

The REAL hard part here is....making that phone call. Saying "don't come over - don't bring gifts. I'm really angry and appalled at what you've done." It's difficult because, being a Christian and trying to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, however I respond needs to be done out of love - even love for this person. However, I don't believe that 'acting like everything is okay' is the "loving answer" either.

Any thoughts or advice?

TIA

[gratuitous]

1. Confront in love and truth

Gather all the facts, and don't just rely on what someone else told you or what you strongly (and perhaps rightly) suspect to be true about HR and his or her machinations. You've gotten some mixed messages already: HR "hates" you, yet is making every effort to come see you.

If you think HR is going to try to weasel his or her way into your home and bribe you with expensive gifts or other blandishments, propose to meet HR alone somewhere outside your home. Agree to meet for lunch or coffee, so that you can even pick up the tab, if necessary. Begin the conversation with "I've heard some very disturbing things . . ." You don't need to pour out the whole litany of the alleged misdeeds, but just cite one or two of your most solid examples. Then let HR talk. You don't have to agree or disagree, just listen. Draw out every detail you can elicit. Listen carefully, and if it seems that HR is avoiding certain "areas" or "issues," ask questions about them. For example, why is it HR's responsibility to do things for the "good" (as defined by HR) of other family members?

I counsel not reciting every last alleged misdeed because if you've gotten something wrong, the conversation will quickly turn into an argument over what actually happened, and hurt your credibility. Cite one or two examples that you either witnessed or that you are pretty sure you know most of the details on.

The meeting over coffee or lunch doesn't have to be the climactic or apocalyptic encounter; it can be just the beginning of evaluating a relationship that is obviously broken, and seeing what it will take to retrieve it. That way, there's no pressure (at least from your side) to "have it out" or "get things straight once and for all."

Good luck.

[amazona]

2. Hmmm

If I could meet HR in a neutral place, divest her of her boatload of expensive gifts, and then extricate myself from the meeting as quickly and politely as possible...well...that is what I would do and what I have done. Any time a rich Horrible Relative is looking to spend money, if they don't spend it on me, they'll spend it on someone.

So I guess I agree with your friends. I'll take the goodies and be on my way, and just fake it with a pleasant smile. Some of my relatives were truly horrible indeed, although the one that will stand out in my mind was the ex-model (in the 1920s!) who was always picking at me because of my congenital skin condition. I'm like, excuse me, 1) I'm about 12 and too young to become a hooker/model like you anyway, and 2) like I asked to have a freakin' skin condition? She was really a nasty piece of work who basically got her money on her back by marrying rich man after man even into her old age. But my mom asked us to tolerate this wicked witch so that my brother (who was cute) would have a chance to inherit some of the goodies.

And I don't think my mom was wrong. If the HR can give your children a good chunk of money, or gifts that can be turned into good chunks of money (hello, EBay!) I think it's OK to accept that for the good of your family. If you have to fake it for a couple hours, it seems a small price to pay.

On the other hand, inviting the HR to your home where it might take major earthmoving machinery to get them to leave again...ugh!

We found it best to meet up with our own HRs in a restaurant.

Because you are a good, spiritual person, you may find my advice crass. In the end, you have to do what is right for you. But keep in mind, it is not your job to be HR's "savior." When you confront evil people, even in a loving and caring way, have you noticed yet how it is a total waste of time and tension?

So I say grab the goodies and let HR continue on her merry way to hell.

Whatever you decide, I look forward to reading an update.

[July]

3. Ignore. Refuse gifts.

If HR has assaulted other family members' autonomy, it's hard to believe that the gifts for your children aren't a form of manipulation.

If it's true that HR has said s/he hates you, yet HR still pushes to get together, I suggest again that HR wants to manipulate you -- the person who attempts to stop HR from doing the things you've described.

The kids are the excuse, and HR is exploiting YOUR CHILDREN.

Don't say that. Just say that you can't meet HR. No matter how many times HR asks why, DO NOT EXPLAIN. Keep saying you're sorry, but you can't. Why? Because if you give no reason, HR cannot try to get around it; in addition, you do not owe HR an explanation -- your reasons are your business. If HR says s/he wants to give your children presents, say you can't go along with that and suggest HR should return them or give them to a shelter. Again, no explanation. Don't let the kids get in the middle of this, even as unwitting pawns.

If you REALLY want to state once and for all what you feel, do that -- ONCE AND FOR ALL. Don't make it a conversation or debate, but a short statement of your opinion. A phone call is ideal for this. "As you know, I believe your treatment of our relatives is unethical. Therefore, I will not meet with you, nor will I allow my children to take presents from you." CLICK.

You are right that "acting like everything is okay" is not "the loving answer." This person has gotten away with a great deal, according to your accounts, and now wants to paper over your significant differences. It would be great if you could turn his/her heart, but that doesn't look likely from what you say. Keep HR out of your life as much as possible, it's clear his/her motives towards you are phony.

Okay, that's all JUST my opinion, which you should ignore if you don't like it. I have found, though, that the refusal to engage in explaining/giving reasons really works, though it is difficult at first ("Why not?" "Because I can't." "But why?" "I just can't." "You must have a reason." "I'm sorry, I can't do it." "You're being ridiculous, you won't even try to have a dialogue with me." "I can't do it." After a little of this, either they get the message or you say, "I can't, and I won't say more than that. Good-bye." CLICK)

No matter what you do, your concern for your relatives is laudable. Include yourself and your kids among those you're concerned about and steer clear of this jerk. Good luck.

[bearfan454]

4. Calmly explain to HR

Explain to HR that you feel HR is not being Christian by trying to assert control over someone else's money. That is why you do not wish for HR to come over and bring gifts. I've dealt with situations like this and when they see you know about the control mechanism inside them, they get really mad.

[DustMolecule]

5. Thank you all very much for your thoughtful responses

I think I will incorporate a little bit of each, meaning that I'll offer to meet HR for coffee at a neutral place. Please don't bring gifts, I can't accept them. Without being confrontational, I'll ask HR to explain themselves as to why "they think they know what's 'good' for other people"? (<---I'll say that nicer than that, but will have to think on this some more). I think I must really mention the "mixed messages" they send of 'hating me', yet wanting to give gifts? As you all have said, it's pretty obvious "WHY", but as the first poster mentioned, love and truth is the loving response.

<I will avoid saying things like, "I think you're Satan's minion, so stay away from my me, my kids, and others that I care about." :evilgrin: (<----kidding/kidding)>

Seriously, thank you for all the really good advice. :-)

Best regards to you all,
DustMolecule