If you're in a relationship, how much time do you take for yourself...

[complain jane]

Poll question: If you're in a relationship, how much time do you take for yourself...

away from your significant other? I was in a relationship w/someone who was really controlling and wanted to be joined at the hip at all times. After that ended I was alone for 2 - 3 years, just dating, nothing serious. I lived alone and both loved and hated it. So now I'm involved again with someone, it's been 1 year, and we're considering living together, and I can already tell this person has some tendencies to be needy and kind of controlling but the good outweighs the bad so I'm still here. I need to have a good perspective on what kind of ground rules I need to lay as far as my boundaries and my personal space and "down time"; ie. time just for me where I surf the web until 3 am if I want to, etc.

So, anyway, before I take this plunge, I'd like a reality check to find out how much "down time" other people feel they need when co-habitating with a significant other. THis might sound stupid but I would really appreciate the insight.

I need like 2 weeknights a week to myself. I've always liked a lot of space and time just for me to read, surf the web, whatever- without the Other Half getting annoyed that I'm not paying enough attention to them or constantly interrupting me just for attention. If I want to stay up until 3 am sometimes I want to be able to do it without a big friggen hassle (my work hours are late).

So, what do you feel is good for you?

[fluffernutter]

1. yep, i need my space too.

i picked the 2 nights option, but we really do well just doing our own thing, and being together too. we just seem to both need space as well as togetherness ... and it flows nicely. if i were suffocated, the relationship would not work for me.

[complain jane]

2. Smothered sucks

And I'm trying to avoid it again at all costs.

Moving's SO expensive and draining :(

[enigmatic]

3. alot....

My wife and I are both loners, and it's been a godsend not to have to worry about being guilt-tripped, threatened, or controlled by a girlfriend for not wanting to spend 24/7/365 w/ her.

We're both each other's best friends, but we also realize that spending eavery waking moment together isn't healthy, either.

[eaprez]

4. take as much time as you want....if you can't.....then something is

wrong with the relationship.

[bigwillq]

5. We live apart and work alot

So I have all the space I need. Sometimes I don't see him enough.:cry:

[eaprez]

6. THAT I can relate to because I've been doing the same thing.....

....it is getting old though. Long distance relationships aren't good over the long haul.

[bigwillq]

7. Well, we only live like 40 minutes away

but sometimes I only see him 1-2 times a week. I saw him last this past Sunday and I may not see him again until Christmas.:cry:

[eaprez]

8. 40 minutes aint as bad as 375 miles :) we do it twice, maybe three times

a month.

[bigwillq]

10. Wow,that IS a long-distance relationship

I don't think I would be able to make that work.

Best of luck to both of you.

May I ask how long you've been together?

[eaprez]

12. 8 years!!! Thank god long distance charges are no longer by the minute...

we talk every day....I am amazed after all this time we still have so much to talk about. Why do we do it? Because neither one of us believed our kids should be dragged into our love lives. Mine is out of the house - he has one out of the house and one to go...then, we'll have to make some decisons.

[Magrittes Pipe]

9. Whatever, whenever.

Most of the time, I spend with her. Because I want to, and (I hope :P) she wants to. Still, if one of us wants to do something solo, we do. 'tain't no big thing.

[hatredisnotavalue]

11. Having been married for 24 years

At the onset I could tell when my husband wanted his space. It really is intuitive...If you don't or your so doesn't know when to back off then it isn't a "relationship" no matter what the circumstances.

[ALago1]

13. I need time to myself too

The hard part, I've found, is getting the SO to understand that this desire to be by myself to do whatever (even if it is stupid little things like listening to my music or surfing the web), is not due to an aversion of being with her - but rather a facet of my personality that needs to be nutured.

She is a person who likes to be with people and spend as much time around me as possible, but luckily is very understanding and tries to empathize with my "introvertedness".

Things haven't been a problem yet, and I don't expect any in the near future either

[complain jane]

14. well that's good.

Mine says it's not a problem, then when I'm doing my thing online, reading something or whatever, she'll start going out of her way to get attention. Manipulative. Pisses me off. Why can't some people just leave ya alone once in a while?

:wtf:

[SarahB]

15. I need SOME space.

Seems in my life it's either men who smother and control me or men who, well, sometimes seem to give me mixed messages on things.

Frankly, I'm ready for a nice, healthy balance of the two.

[Chalco]

16. My husband and I have lots of time to ourselves...

We both work at home (different businesses) but go most days in different parts of the house without speaking to each other. This is true on the weekend as well. We each have our own things to do/projects, etc and enjoy getting back together at the end of the day to talk about what we did that day. We love to talk to each other and bounce things off each other. Of course each of us leaves the house at times to do business or personal errands.

I think each person in a couple needs to have however much space that he/she needs. It's just a given. No two people are alike. I think you need to follow your own interests and if you get a jealous response that not ok in my book.

[complain jane]

17. I agree with you. I don't like it when the other person

has the attitude that you are obligated to do what they do.

I had an "issue" last summer like this. SO has a tiny house down the shore. SO goes down there every weekend all summer and most times SO's Best Friend is there as well (lives nearby). Best Friend's entire family which consists of 3 sisters and all their children were coming to SO's tiny house to spend all day one Saturday, and I was also supposed to be there for the weekend. SO never bothered to tell me this, sprung it on me 2 days before- only after I asked who would be there for the weekend. I thought SO should tell me ahead of time and at least have the common courtesy to find out if that was something I wanted to be a part of, instead of assuming that because we are in a relationship that I am *obligated* to participate in this without even having prior knowledge of it.

SO's response was that if SO was going to have a house full of people, SO would *expect* me to be there for "support".

I said, Support? Support what? You invited all these people to your house at your will.

This thread's turning into a full-blown therapy session.

[Chalco]

18. There's always some give and take in a relationship...

My husband's 61 and immature, in my opinion. It's hard to imagine someone that old and still immature. I say immature because every once in a while he stops for a drink after work without telling me. For example, Friday night he was working in a city north of here, 1 hour away, and finished up at around 6. He doesn't like to drive in rush hour so went to a bar. I decided to try to get ahold of him at around 6:30 because I was hungry and he is the cook and I'm wondering what's up. So he answers his cell and he's in a bar. He's going to have a couple of beers and then go shopping he tells me. Oh, really. I was furious inside, but I've been there before so I kept it to myself and was just pleasant. I've found that this kind of behavior has actually lessened over the years because of my studious non-reaction. But, maybe it's just me but I find it unbelievable that he's 61 and very late coming home and didn't tell me what was up.

I have my own faults that totally aggravate him. But, my point is we all have to figure out how to live with and accept one another. Some faults we can live with, others we can't.

[complain jane]

19. Yeah, I agree.

And if I were in your shoes I think I'd be ok with the bar & shopping if I were told about it, rather than me having to hunt him down. In my opinion it's just common courtesy.

[Chalco]

21. Yes, it is simple courtesy.

[Padraig18]

20. He gives me the space I need, without me asking.

I don't know how he does it, but he just seems to 'sense' when I need some time alone.

:)

[skygazer]

22. No real set amount of time

But I've always needed my space. My hubby and I met when we were both 40 and had been alone for a number of years so we both are very comfortable being by ourselves. We also really love to be together and tend to do most things together which never seems to get uncomfortable.

But we are often apart while together. I spend a lot of time in the bedroom, on the computer or reading or whatever while he may be watching tv in the living room or doing work outside.

About once a year, I go away - this year it was to Vermont for what ended up being 3 weeks, last year I went to see my daughter for a week. I go alone - he doesn't get much time off work and isn't interested anyway.

We just do what we want to when we want to. If he wants to go to his buddies for Monday Night Football and stay over, I say, "bye, honey, have fun." If I want to take a road trip to Arizona, he says, "call me when you get there."

Before you take the plunge of living together, talk seriously about it. Explain what you've said here - that you enjoy solitude sometimes and that it is not a reflection of your relationship - it is the way you are. Discuss the form that would likely take and work to find out if it would be an issue. It's very stressful to feel smothered.

[samplegirl]

23. Space? Time for myself?????

Wow??? Im still waiting for that day. I would truly enjoy down time.
My daughter 22 is still at home. My mother living with me.
I hope i live long enough to have "SPACE"