Pissin' off the CSPI: My review of the Hardees Monster Thickburger

[jmowreader]

Some of y'all despise PETA. I save my bile for the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the people who spend massive amounts of time and money telling the American public that everything they like to eat is going to kill them.

The CSPI recently labeled Hardees' Monster Thickburger "food porn." This 1300-calorie hamburger, piled high with cheese and bacon, has managed to piss off every single dietitian in the world. So naturally, I had to get one. For scientific purposes, of course.

Appearance: Remember the Whammyburger scene in Falling Down where Michael Douglas is served a burger, opens it up, makes the staff look at the poster then holds up the burger he was served: "Now look at this miserable squashed thing. Can anybody tell me what's wrong with this picture?" Too bad D-Fens couldn't have ordered the Monster Thickburger. No miserable squashed thing, the Monster Thickburger makes an impressive presentation whether in the box, on your plate or in your hand.

Flavor: Hardees' Thickburgers are very good, some of the best fast-food burgers going. I was expecting quite a bit from this sandwich and wasn't disappointed. Please note that Hardees, for some strange reason, puts no ketchup on its burgers--you're responsible for that yourself.

Fillingness: The single most important attribute to a burger that weighs more than you do is its ability to fill you up. No problem there. I ate this thing three hours ago and I'm still good to go.

Traction: A proper fast food burger should not slide down your throat from all of the grease that's on it. Hardees uses relatively fatless meat, so their burgers have the proper amount of traction in your throat.

Aroma: Cheap burgers from cheaper places all smell like Vitalis, for some reason. I can't figure out why, but greasy-spoon burgers always smell like that cheap-ass hair oil your dad put on you before weddings and other social events. The Monster Thickburger has the smell of a high-quality offering.

I give it a 4 out of 5. It would have received a 4.5 if there was any ketchup on it.

[Poiuyt]

1. Do you weigh like 290lbs or something?

[jmowreader]

2. 145

An old but still fun war story: Fort Drum has "health fairs" for the various units. They send medics out to test everyone's cholesterol, blood pressure, body mass index, all of the stuff that's supposed to prove how healthy you are.

After four hours of getting prodded, poked and otherwise violated, they determined that I won the Low Cholesterol Contest. My prize was to be forced to stand up in front of the whole battalion and tell them the "secret" to low cholesterol.

"Troops, the secret to having a low cholesterol count is to eat a good healthy breakfast like the one I eat every morning. I make sure to have a ham and cheese omelet with tomatoes and mushrooms, a nice big lump of greasy hash browns, a bowl of whatever fruit they stick out on the line, two slices of toast with jelly and real butter on them, two glasses of homogenized milk and a few slices of bacon dipped in melted butter. You eat that and you'll be ready for the morning. Then have a double cheeseburger and fries for lunch, and whatever you want to eat at night."

The medics were standing around accusing me of attempting to "get back" at them for jabbing me with a needle three times in my left elbow, four times in my right elbow and twice in my left wrist while attempting to get blood out of this turnip when the first sergeant told them that "we have an NCO meeting at the mess hall every Monday and Thursday, and he really eats that."

The secret to low cholesterol, if one may call it that, is your own body. I could eat a brick of pure cholesterol every day and not see a rise in serum cholesterol level because I am genetically predestined to a very low cholesterol count. One of my paint department people stopped eating anything with cholesterol in it two years ago to try to get her 380 cholesterol count down and it didn't budge. Her doctor won't put her on cholesterol-lowering drugs because she's too young. She turned 21 nine months ago and Doctor Jim prescribed her the Emergency French Cholesterol Cure on her birthday: drink half a bottle of red wine every day whether you want to or not and your cholesterol will drop. It has--from 380 to 280. Once we get her down to about 200 we'll taper her down to one glass a day and see what happens then. I really don't think it's good for someone who just started drinking to drink half a bottle of wine a day, but I also don't think it's good for a 21-year-old woman to be walking around with a 380 cholesterol count. And hell, it's working and that's the important part.

[BiggJawn]

3. "Now you're getting somewhere!"

"Ask your Vintner!"

May have to pick up a bottle of Merlot tomorrow...

PS...Poiuyt, *I* weigh 290. My Chol is 130.