I got some extremely bad news today.

[tibbir]

My ex-husband died suddenly. We're divorced but over the years have become very good friends again. I'm devastated about it, especially for our son who is only 20 years old. That's pretty young to lose a parent.

I was making a Christmas present when I got a call from a Houston police officer who asked if I was the ex-wife of Jeffrey Clark. I said I was and he just went into the I've got bad news.... routine. I asked him if this was a joke, he was only 54 and I just talked to him yesterday when he was at work. My son and I are the only family connected here in Houston so I had to break the news to my son and tell Jeff's brothers what happened. I told the brother who lives in Atlanta with Jeff's mother that no way was I breaking the news to her over the phone. He needed to find a way to do that.

My son is talking to someone on the phone about it right now. I can hear bits and pieces of what he's saying - he really sorry that he hasn't seen his dad more during the past month. He acts so matter-of-fact but I know he's just blown away.

Travis and I will have to plan the memorial service, sometime after the holidays settle down. I have NO idea how to go about doing that. All I know is my church knows of a funeral home that's ethical so we can arrange to have Jeff's body picked up from the morgue and cremated. Then we play at having Christmas and New Years. Then we've tentatively set Jan 8th as the memorial service day which, ironically, is exactly 33 years since the day we were married. Jeez.

This is just a horrible situation. I haven't eaten anything since they called me this morning. I'm not tired. I really just don't know what to do. There were reasons we couldn't stay married but the we'd gotten past the hurtful things and become very good friends. We traded favors. When I was in a jam I called on Jeff and he did the same with me. I guess I've lost one of my best friends.

[4morewars]

1. I'm sorry for your loss.....

so sorry.

:hug:

[tibbir]

14. Thank you.

[alphafemale]

2. (((hug)))

I'm so sorry.

[tibbir]

15. Thank you.

[barb162]

3. I am so sorry, maybe you want to take a sleeping pill and hit the

sack, huh?

[tibbir]

17. I ought to.

My mind is racing a hundred miles a nanosecond thinking of all the things that need to be done.

[Celeborn Skywalker]

4. So sorry for your loss.

:hug: :pals:

[tibbir]

18. Thanks.

[ccarter84]

5. my deepest condolences

I am sorry for your loss, I am 20 as well. If I were to lose my other parent at this age I think I would be adrift. Give your son a long hug and try to help eachother stay grounded through this experience. Friends and other family members will help things. Make sure you don't forget to focus on whatever good memories and experiences you two had with Jeff.

With a heavy heart, hang in there
-Carter & and i'm sure the rest of the DU family

[tibbir]

13. Thanks for your perspective.

I had very abusive parents but I still would have been totally devastated if one of them had died when I was only 20. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

[auntAgonist]

6. tibbir;

My sympathy to you and your son and to your former husband's family. What a tragic situation. There will be some very sad times ahead for all of you. I hope you can find some comfort in the knowledge that you had been able to put the past behind you and become friends. I'm sure that will help your son to come to grips with the situation now. Please know that even although this place we find ourselves typing in, is an anonymous message board, there are people here who care. Please try to rest and maintain good health for the days to come. Your son will need you. You will need you.


sincerely.

AuntAgonist.
aka kesha.

[tibbir]

20. Yes, it hurts more because he was one of my best friends,

but on the other hand it gives me great comfort. One of his brothers was so angry about what precipitated the end of our marriage he had nothing to do with Jeff for the past 10 years. He was torn up about it but he couldn't bring himself to open the relationship again. He's coming to the memorial service but getting closure or whatever you want to call it is going to be very difficult I think.

[SillyGoose]

7. I'm so sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband in February of this year. I know what you are feeling. PM if you want to talk or vent or holler or cry....I'm there.

:hug:

[tibbir]

21. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Jeff was one of my best friends, even though we could no longer be married or be in relationship with each other. He was my childhood sweetheart - we started going out when I was 16. We dated 3 years and then were married 23 years. In a few days it'll be 10 years since we were divorced. I hate the word co-dependent but we were poster children. So this hurts like hell and I can imagine what you might be going through or have gone through. Right now I'm not feeling much of anything but I know it's going to be really bad when it hits.

[tibbir]

23. I was married 23 years and dated him for 3 years before that.

We were childhood sweethearts. It just turned out we couldn't be married or in relationship any more. But you can't turn off feelings with a piece of paper.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This is your first Christmas without him since he died and I know it's got to be hard. I hope you can rally around family and friends to get through the tough times.

[SillyGoose]

45. You're right about not being able to shut off feelings.

26 years is a long time and I know how hard this is for you.

Thanksgiving was a hard one to get through and I expect Christmas will be rough, too. I have alot of family close by so that helps.

[roguevalley]

8. I am so very sorry for you and your son. 54 is just a baby.

take care, both of you.

[tibbir]

25. That's what I keep coming back to - 54 is just too damn young.

You know that as you get older you're going to lose more and more friends and loved ones but I just wasn't prepared at all for this. And I'm so torn up about my son losing his father - 20 is way too young for that.

[madrchsod]

9. sorry

for your loss...sudden death is very shocking ,my mom died of a aneurysm. i visited her just a few hours before it happened

[tibbir]

26. Yes, my dad died suddenly of a heart attack.

I think long slow death is equally painful but sudden death really wreaks havoc with your system. You have to get your heart beating again. I've been in shock all day.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

10. I'm sorry.

I don't honestly know if it's easier when it's such a shock or when you have time to prepare, as if you ever really can.

Take care of yourself and just deal with it one day at a time for now. Let your son know you're there for him. He'll no doubt need you when he lets go of his emotions. :hug:

[tibbir]

27. I'm worried about my son.

He doesn't express emotions at all. He just sits on them and that's so unhealthy. All I can do is be here for him, available should he need me.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

31. I understand your worry.

There's nothing more you can do right now for him. Grief is an overwhelming emotion, it make take longer with him and his method of relase may be different, but it will come out. Just watch for the signs and be there.

Right now you both need food and rest. The routine things tend to help bring comfort. :hug:

[tibbir]

34. Yes, you're right on all counts.

Travis lost his dog to cancer a few years ago. It took him over a year to 'release the spirit of Rowdy'. Actually he was releasing his grief in his own way. My role was to be there but stay out of the way, which I respected.

I just made some popcorn. It isn't healthy but it's the only thing I could think of that I could make myself eat.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

38. Popcorn is better than nothing.

Then a warm bath or shower and bed. The two of you WILL get through this. :hug:

[FizzFuzz]

11. eat and get some sleep. force yourself if you have to.

Go with the waves--they'll come as the shock wears off. At least that's what has always gotten me through loss, "riding" the waves. So sorry you lost your best friend.

sending thoughts of support and courage, tibbir

:hug: Fizz

[tibbir]

28. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Today has most definitely been a day of waves and I think I've kind of been riding them. Luckily I'm in therapy and have learned that if you just let the emotions out you get through things so much easier. I wish I could help my son understand that.

[FizzFuzz]

39. because you understand that, and can talk about it,

you certainly are the right person to help him. Trust that and timing.

Therapy is a good thing, I'm glad to hear you have a counselor.

[laheina]

40. Absolutely.

Take care of yourself. You are going to need your strength now, and your son will probably need your strength also.

I am very sorry about your ex. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tonight, as will your son.

[Erika]

12. My sympathies to you.

My ex of 25 years is family. He has told me often that I am his closest famly member. Wee have raised the kids together.

[tibbir]

29. Thank you.

Jeff and I had the same kind of relationship. It's been so much better for our son that way.

[enigmatic]

16. Sorry to hear about this.

My sympathies.

[tibbir]

30. Thank you.

[The Zanti Regent]

19. :-(

my thoughts are with you.

I'm still trying to get back on track after my only child's funeral the day before thanksgiving.

[tibbir]

32. Gosh, I can't even imagine the pain you must be in.

No parent is ever ready to lose a child. Hang in and keep family and/or friends close as you get through this holday season

[Gothic Sponge]

22. I'm so sorry!

[tibbir]

35. Thank you.

[Skittles]

24. you did the right thing posting here, tibbir

I received such a terrible call about my brother three weeks ago - DUers offered me comfort and advice. We are here for you.

[tibbir]

36. The responses have been so supportive.

I'm so sorry about your brother. It's tough enough but then to have to go through Christmas shortly after he died must make things even rougher. Take care of yourself.

[MsConduct]

33. Very sorry for your loss. n/t

[tibbir]

37. Thank you.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

41. My deepest and most profound thoughts, prayers, sympathies and condolences

are extended to you, your son and your ex-husband's family and friends. You were fortunate to be on such good terms with your ex-husband and to have truly valued and respected each other as friends even after all that you had been through together. And I'm sure your son appreciates the benefits of having had parents on such good terms

Take care. Once again my deepest, profound and most sincere thoughts, prayers, sympathies and condolences :hug:

[tibbir]

49. Thank you very much.

I've been amazed by the support we're already receiving, both from this board and here in Houston. Some friends who have known both Jeff and I from the time we first dated in high school are planning to come to Houston. Wow. And one of Jeff's brother's, who's not had any contact with him since things blew up between us, is coming to the service. I'm really glad - he needs closure probably more than most of us. He's always been a really good friend to me and is a godparent of our son so his presence will be good.

My son surprised me this morning. After he went to work and signed up for time off he called me and told me that I had called everybody yesterday and he knew that was hard on me. So he planned to take over from here on out. I said as far as I was concerned, he was in charge as the adult next-of-kin but that I hoped he would let me help him take care of things because it would make me feel better. I'm just so proud of him stepping up to the plate.

It's been a long day. Thank goodness for shock, denial and busywork.

[Cuban_Liberal]

42. I'm very sorry. Please, let the funeral home help you as much as possible.

An ethical funeral director can be a true Godsend in a situation like this. As members of a 'caring profession', they not only have the practical and technical knowledge you two need right now, but they also have the experience and the desire to help you through this difficult time in your lives.

Again, my condolences to you and your son.

:grouphug:

[tibbir]

50. I talked to a woman who works in my church office this morning.

My church recommends a small funeral home to whoever asks because everyone who's had him as director has had nothing but compliments. If you tell him you want a simple cremation that's what he provides plus he gets high marks for support to boot. He already has one thing he has to do for us. As a 20 year old here in Texas Travis can vote, die for his country and sign his dad's body over to the funeral home from the medical examiner's office. But he can't drink and he may not be able to sign the order for the cremation. Sheesh.

This may be one of those only in Texas things but I'm not sure. Anyway the director's going to look the law up tomorrow morning so he can tell us when we drop by tomorrow afternoon.

After the cremation is done we'll look to the minister of my church. I'm Unitarian and I think as a group we do good funerals and I know my church does. May blow the minds of some of our more fundamentalist friends/relatives but that may be the only fun thing that happens the whole day.

[sbj405]

43. I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your son.

:hug:

[tibbir]

51. Thank you very much.

[blondeatlast]

44. I'm so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[tibbir]

52. Thank you very much.

[wovenpaint]

46. Sorry to hear of your loss

Made especially difficult right before the holidays.
My ex-husband had major health issues (a few years younger)come up this past year and, even tho we've "had" to keep in touch because of children, it's hard to think about not having him around at some point.
My prayers for strength and peace to you and your family.

[tibbir]

53. If he can be civil enough with you around your children

I think you're very lucky and your children are blessed.

I hear you about Christmas pretty being wrecked for this year.

[deadparrot]

47. So sorry for your loss, especially during the holiday season.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.

[tibbir]

54. Thank you very much.

They're very appreciated.

[SW FL Dem]

48. I am so sorry for your loss.

My Dad died suddenly when I was 22 and he was only 59. My only advice to you is to be there for your son. Let him know that you will listen whenever he wants to talk. You both are grieving and need to get through this together. He needs you as much as you need him.

[tibbir]

55. I think you are so right about this.

I suffer from very bad bouts of depression and my son seems to always have an eye out for me. It hasn't been easy. But thank God I have a wonderful therapist who's helping me through this. She called me twice yesterday and then again today to see how I was doing. I told her I was doing my best to not go downhill because I need for Travis to be able to deal with his loss and not worry about me. So far we've been working together and he seems to be at ease with me so I guess I'm making a good appearance.

Twenty years old is just too young to lose a parent. I don't know what I would have done in his place. He doesn't show his emotions naturally so I plan to just stay healthy and available for him to lean on me if he needs to.