My neighbor has a BLASPHEMOUS Christmas display! Fundie alert!

[Bouncy Ball]

My neighbors across the street are this wonderful family from Mexico. They've been here about seven years and own a body shop and auto auction lot in a neighboring town. They are WONDERFUL people and everyone just loves them to death.

Well, every year they put out a big Christmas display that consists of plastic, lit from inside Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus characters, a giant inflated Christmas snoopy and a giant inflated nutcracker. Yeah, it looks kinda weird all together, but they are so exuberant in their love for Christmas you can't help but smile. They even rig up spotlights for the plastic nativity scene.

Now, the Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus figures are HUGE. The biggest I've ever seen. And every single year, Joseph falls over and lands face down in Mary's lap. It's days before any of them notice and the neighbors just kinda giggle.

Well apparently some fundie drove past one day and got HIGHLY OFFENDED. So offended, in fact, that she left a nasty note on their front door and said she'd be driving by again to "check and see if you have corrected that BLASPHEMY!"

Well the family thought the blasphemy was the Snoopy dressed up as Santa, so they fixed up Joseph and considered taking Snoopy down, then decided against it (they are very nice people and were aghast at the idea of offending anyone).

Soon enough, Joseph fell over again and landed face first in Mary's lap. The Mary figure is faintly smiling, by the way.

The next time the lady drove by, she rang their doorbell (this was yesterday). I was outside watching my daughter ride her bike and I heard the lady yelling, so I walked over there to see if my neighbors needed help. The wife who lives there was in tears and the fundie was yelling "ORAL SEX." I immediately knew what was going on. Since my neighbor's English is a bit rough, I started explaining to the lady it is just an accident, they don't set Joseph up like that on purpose and why doesn't she just get a LIFE?

Seriously, this lady was unhinged. I even started to get a bit scared of her, she was so off the hook, yelling about "lewd displays" and "making fun of the REASON FOR THE SEASON!" If it weren't so scary I would have laughed until I wet my pants.

I explained to my neighbor what was going on and get this: when she realized what it was, she busted out laughing. She said they've been trying to get Joseph to stand up right and stop falling over for years and they've even tried to position him differently and nothing works.

Well. Today I go outside and there's Joseph, with his face in Mary's lap again. That Joseph.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

1. What a funny story!

I like the way you write, Bouncy - you're very funny. That fundie lady needs to get a life. STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! They make me SICK!

[tsuki]

2. That is the funniest thing that I have read lately. Thanks.

[Bouncy Ball]

3. Oh and as a by the way:

if I hadn't seen and heard this lady myself, I almost wouldn't have believed someone would get that out of control over an accidentally fallen over figure on a lawn. I thought it was the Santa Snoopy, too, because I figured she thought it was taking away from or violating the nativity display...

Her giant bush stickers on her giant SUV did NOT escape my attention, either.

Whatever would we do without the self-righteous fundie bushbots pointing out blasphemous oral sex displays at Christmas?

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. I'm sure the fundy cun* probably has no idea that snoopy or santa

have nothing to do with the season. All she knows is that sex is evil and then whatever sound bytes her asshole minister feeds her, which she seemed to have used: "The reason for the season". If pressed, and you asked her, "So just what, really, is the season? And what is the reason?" she'd be at a loss other than to say it's the birth of Jesus. Wouldn't be surprised if she feels it's a solely American thing, too, while at the same time believing that there isn't a single person in the world who doesn't secretly celebrate Christmas and blah blah blah iuditic triumphalist billshut blah blah blah.

But, since Joseph didn't have sex with Mary until after Jesus was born, who's to say there wasn't some oral sex, eh?

Could be....

Though oral sex in the days before showers and baths seems a little rough.

[Bouncy Ball]

48. Oh God your last line

just killed me.

How mucha wanna bet they did it anyway?

(Ewwwwww....)

[FizzFuzz]

70. iuditic triumphalist billshut

HAHAHH! If I weren't so attached to my political siglines, I'd dump 'em and use this. Or I'd switch my screen name to this. Or make a plaque and put it on my wall! Or a bumpersticker...hmmm...now that has potential.......

No idea what it means, but it's hilarious!

you kill me Rabrrrrr

[Rabrrrrrr]

89. OMG! That'll teach me not to proof read

That's awful!

Should read "Idiotic Triumphalist Bullshit"

I am very embarrassed now.

[FizzFuzz]

94. No need to be embarrassed.

I am very laughing my ass off!

Nothin' better than an unplanned funny. :D

Well, alright, it was a public display of stupidity and a revelation of neural misfiring that hints at problems of a more sinister nature...but other than that, it's all good.

[havocmom]

4. re: the fundie screamer: why am I hearing Robin William's voice from

the movie Good Morning, Vietnam!, that wonderful line about never seeing a white man so in need of a blow job... Guess you just saw his wife in action! :evilgrin:

[Bouncy Ball]

6. Good analogy

I need to re-watch that movie sometime, haven't seen it in years.

A little......um.....of what Joseph was apparently doing might do her good.

Did I SAY that?

[frictionlessO]

5. that was the best christmas story I've heard in a very long time!!

yep thats Joseph...lol

The Jesus crispies are out in full force now... fuckin wacko nutcases.

Anyone who doesnt think our extreme fundies arent as capable of killing innocents in acts of terror are woefully ignorant.

[Bouncy Ball]

49. Hey you.

That Joseph is just incorrigable! (sp?)

[Kathy in Cambridge]

7. That's hilarious!

What a whackjob! Who did that woman thinks she was, the morality police? We've become a nation of judgemental nosey Nellies.

[Bouncy Ball]

9. Exactly.

Would it shock you terribly if I told you I live in Texas?

I forgot to tell the end: the lady could obviously tell she was getting nowhere so she was backing up to her SUV to drive off while STILL yelling about the display and pointing to it.

As she got in, I heard her say "Damn Mexicans."

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. THAT pissed me off more than anything. That family is so awesome. She makes food for people all the time, offers to babysit, pick kids up from school and she never asks for or expects anything in return. Once my van was in the shop and she had her husband drive home a 2003 Camaro for me to drive around for FREE for a couple of days off their auction lot. I didn't even ASK for that.

[FizzFuzz]

72. poignant end to a knee slapper of a story

Loved that story BouncyBall!! And you really do have a flair for telling it. :D

This end bit here... grrrrrrr. That is SO perfectly typical, it absolutely comes as no surprise! Makes me want to come up with ways to inform that bushbot of the truth, show her what real spiritual goodness is....grrrrr. grrrrrr. OK, this brings out the control freak in me. Allright, Fizz, Let go, Let the Universe......

but still, GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Baptholes. They all have end stage congestive SOUL failure.

Goddamned busholini, feeding the filth these vermin thrive on.

[Kber]

82. "Damn Mexicans?"

Because Mexicans, as a generality, are a group of athiest, anti religious people? Really?

Talk about trying to warp facts to fit your own opinions. Yikies!

[politicat]

83. Wow... what great people... Did you get a license plate?

I'd personally send copies of this to all of the ministers in the area, with a paragraph at the end about "If this is the type of Christian love, tolerance and care you're teaching your parishioners, you've missed the message." And point out that Jesus was not racist and did consort with money lenders, prostitutes and thieves, and that the ONLY person in the bible guaranteed a place in heaven was the criminal who had the cross next to his, that the only person guaranteed a place in heaven is someone that so-called Christians like fundy-woman would not let trim her pure-bred dog's claws.

But that's me. I want the ministers to be responsible for their flock. Isn't that what shepherds are supposed to do?

Pcat

[Ready4Change]

8. Well, Jesus was supposedly a virgin birth.

But it's hard to imagine Joseph and Mary didn't enjoy each others company in SOME way during that time.

New meaning to MERRY Christmas, though. :)

[Bouncy Ball]

10. I have to admit

everytime I look over there and Joseph's face is buried in Mary's lap again I keep imagining Mary hissing "Joe! Not in front of the baby!"

Oh geez I'm an awful one, aren't I?

[elehhhhna]

74. St. Joe: "I did not have sex with that woman!"

[NJCher]

11. oh man, I laughed my head off at this story

Such genuine people being confronted with such lunatics.


Cher

[progmom]

12. wow.

That's amazing.
Thanks for the vivid description. I can't decide whether to laugh or cry.

:wow:

[Bouncy Ball]

13. I cry about the fundie, that people could

be wound that tight. I mean, she didn't even FIND OUT anything first, she just started yelling.

I laugh about the figures and my neighbor's reaction. She had a few choice words about the lady in Spanish. If they could vote, I have no doubt they'd vote Dem (the neighbors). But they are residents, not citizens, yet.

[mitchtv]

36. It's never too early . to let her know

which party represents the working class

[Bouncy Ball]

50. Oh believe me

I do. She even helped me envelope stuff for a state Dem candidate. Her elderly parents live here now and they loved Kerry. Her dad calls bush "the idiot." He speaks even less English and his granddaughter taught him that.

[FizzFuzz]

73. that makes me smile

:D
wish I could meet them!!!!!!

[donheld]

14. That's why Mary has been a virgin all these years

:evilgrin:

[Lone_Star_Dem]

15. That hilarious!

You should have told her she had her mind in the gutter! Those fundies always thinking of sex. :)

Now that Joseph is another story...

[sendero]

16. It's hard....

... deciding whether to laugh or cry at such a story...

... this just in.. I'm laughing :)

What an idiot, I hope the nutcake bitch didn't sleep for a week :)

[Maat]

17. LOL!

Stories like these are what makes DU special to me. We get to hear what is really going on out here.

[Bouncy Ball]

18. Yeah the great thing is how high the lady's blood pressure

probably was. She had one of those veins popping out just along the side of her forehead running down to her temple (yet another thing I found disturbing--it was throbbing....ug).

[CO Liberal]

39. When That Vein Finally Pops....

...she'll get blood all over her leather upholstery. And then she'll REALLY get pissed!!!

:-)

[FizzFuzz]

75. wow. Well, this shows how powerless this woman actually feels

and is that any surprise, knowing how repressive and misogynistic their "faith" is? She is eaten up with self-hate.

So many of these bizarre "daily life" acts of hate, the kind of things that get no publicity, that I'm reading about here are being acted out by the fundy women. Their lives must be horrible.

I still hate 'em though.

[fluffernutter]

19. lol! that was too funny. poor Joseph just can't get any peace.

;)

but wtf is with some bitty who thinks more about some silly display than actual people?? people who are obviously really GOOD at heart at that. it makes me utterly ill.

[Bouncy Ball]

20. I really think some of them

who were already a bit....unstable....have been watching Faux news too long and listening to the bush bullshit and have gone just right around the bend into full-fledged paranoia.

It scares me that someone like that is driving around.

[fluffernutter]

24. she needs a 'whacko behind the wheel' alert sticker next to her Gdub one.

you know she was fuming and screaming about Joseph and his oral sex all the way home. obviously that's the closest she's gotten to it in years -snicker- ah well, at least she has her ever-comforting Faux News!

[Malikshah]

66. Please---let that be a play on words for "piece."

OK, I'm now going to hell.

:)

[alexisfree]

21. this is good...you make me laugh today...

my motherinlaw is mexican she always has her united nations flag next to the American flag!!! I have no idea why...:think:

[Tsiyu]

22. This qualifies as THE funniest, most timely Christmas

story of 2004.

Thank you so much for sharing, and for coming to the aid of such dear people.

Here's hoping that load of coal I passed today is on its way to Texas, to be dumped in Lady Bitch Bushbot's driveway. Sheesh!

[barb162]

23. great and funny story; I needed a laugh a lot today, thanks for

sharing.

[CatholicEdHead]

That is funny

Thanks for the laugh. Buy, some people are really out there aren't they.

It sure sounds like you have nice neighbors.

[Bouncy Ball]

25. Hey if Joseph is

up to any funny business tomorrow, I'll take a picture and post it here. My digital camera is working again.

(Now I'm hoping he's face down in Mary's lap. It has been REALLY windy here, so he probably will be.)

[yellowdogintexas]

31. Bouncy, do you mind if I paste the story into an email and send

out to some of my most liberal friends (also North Texans, like you and me)?? They will roll in the floor

and where exactly are you anyway? I might like to take a little drive and see the lewd Joseph my self..

In fact, this could be a Good Neighbors field trip!

(Good Neighbors is the name of my Sunday School class)

[Bouncy Ball]

33. I don't mind.

And I'll PM you, I don't mention what suburb I live in on DU.

[yellowdogintexas]

43. OK, great.

Yeah, it is one thing to say "Fort Worth" and quite another to pin it down to a specific area.

[janx]

34. Please do that! I'd love to see it!

Also, what was the fundie like, other than...crazy? How old was she? Any distinguishing characteristics? Does she live in the neighborhood?

[Bouncy Ball]

40. She was in her late 40s, early 50s.

Had bed head salt and pepper hair. Was wearing a sweatshirt with a big Christmas tree done in that paint you can use on shirts and gold glitter all over it. She was wearing glasses and some kinda Christmas earrings.

Denim stretch pants. Tennis shoes. Nothing remarkable. Tan Suburban with that W '04 sticker, a BUSH-CHENEY sticker and a sticker for a local Christian radio station (KLTY). Oh and the obligatory silver fish thingie.

She looked really harmless, but when she was yelling she was truly scary. We're talking spittle flying arms a-waving, vein on head throbbing scary.

My poor neighbor was just beside herself trying to figure out what this lady was saying.

[janx]

52. Thanks! That makes the scene come alive even more!

I can't stop laughing! I hope you take a pic!

[Bouncy Ball]

54. Oh and I hadn't seen her around before

but then I live in a very large city so that's no shocker.

I'll check tomorrow and see if he's up to no good.

[China_cat]

62. Any way you can have your neighbor

add a speech bubble above the nativity saying "It's a Girl"? Maybe borrow one of those supermarket stork signs?

That ought to really do in the fundy.

[jakefrep]

64. LOL!

Holy crap, THAT'S FUNNY!

:evilgrin:

[Madrone]

26. Best. Christmas. Story. Ever.

Totally cracked me up. :D Thanks for sharing!

Looking forward to the picture.... ;)

[Bouncy Ball]

27. Keep your fingers crossed that Joseph gets a little

frisky in the night, because if I were seen knocking him over, I might get attacked by the Frothy Mouth Fundies around here.

[deadparrot]

28. Without these kind of stories, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas...

[Bouncy Ball]

30. ....

We've actually been giggling about this for about three years now. This is the first time they've ever gotten a complaint. Even the bushbots on this street giggle at it. But they aren't fundies.

[hickman1937]

29. You're a nice person

If I'd heard someone screaming about oral sex in front of my neighbors house, in front of my kid, I'd have called the police on the perv.

[Bouncy Ball]

32. Well, see, I already knew about the note

and I sort of figured the fundie wouldn't actually show up in person because most of them are "all show and no go" as my husband would say. But she did.

So I figured that was the "BLASPHEMOUS!" woman and I really love these neighbors and know she can't speak English perfectly enough to defend herself. She does ok in normal conversations, but when you are defending yourself against a fundie, you can't be worried about the verb form of a word, you've got to talk fast.

[hickman1937]

41. Ya, I got that

But I would have loved to hear her explanation to the police of her vulgar speech in front of children, and the entire neighborhood.

[Bouncy Ball]

44. Oh gotcha.

Yeah in all the hoopla, I didn't even think about that. Hmmm, if I had really been thinking in an evil way, I would have gotten her license plate number and just put a little non-emergency call in to the police about a really unhinged lady driving around yelling at people about oral sex.

Damn. Opportunity lost. Maybe she'll pay us another visit.

[gardenista]

35. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I read this out loud to my husband,

and we are laughing so hard, tears are coming down!

You made my Christmas! This story will get told around the table!!

[Bouncy Ball]

45. Good deal!

It's funny to think of it being told in places all over. Cheers!

[FizzFuzz]

78. ooo yeah! I'll have to tell this to Mr Fuzz

He's Deaf, so the story will be in American Sign Language.
ASL is visual, and stories like this are GREAT in translation. The more visual details and dramatic action, the better! This is perfect! Ohhhh boy I love acting the different characters; gonna have some fun imitating the Avenger of Gawwwd!!! Hee hee heeeeeeee!

[Erika]

37. Fantastic post! Thanks!

I wonder if the silly Republican Christian zealots actually realize how histrionic they've been.

I think I'll make your neighbor's display my last thought before going to sleep tonight.

[Bouncy Ball]

42. You made an inadvertent funny!

"going to sleet?"

LOL! Thanks for THAT giggle!

I don't think she cared how crazy she looked. People who truly believe they are on a mission from God do NOT care.

[Erika]

47. Sleet?

Freudian slip, I guess. Anyway, thanks for the laugh of the day!

[mcscajun]

46. Reminds me of a line from "Guys and Dolls"

to the effect of: "...any sinful thoughts here are coming from you, doll."

I'm sure I didn't get the quote precisely, but that's the point here. This fundie lady was the one who thought about Oral Sex while looking at two innocent statues. All the evil is in her own mind.

Great story, though. :)

[Bouncy Ball]

53. Well to be fair

ALL of us had chuckled over that EVERY year. It's just inevitable that you are going to get greeted by the sight of Joseph face down in Mary's lap and Mary smiling faintly while a GINORMOUS Santa Snoopy and nutcracker hover overhead. It's so surreal.

But none of us flipped out about it. Just chuckled. The family knew about it but just fixed him whenever they noticed and didn't stress about it. I don't know, maybe Catholics have a better sense of humor than Dominionists.

[FizzFuzz]

79. this story in ASL for Mr Fuzz

Ohhh HAHAHAH now I can add the Santa Snoopy watching the festivities.
Boy, this is so good, I could use it as a performance piece at a Deaf Night!! :D :D :D

[PopSixSquish]

51. No Sex Threads!!!! LOL

That's a great story. Damn these people are so uptight.

[Bouncy Ball]

55. I love your screen name.

Big Chicago fan, are ya?

Yes, she was so uptight if you put a lump of coal up her...nevermind.

[Malikshah]

67. Cicero!

Sorry, had to be done.

[barb162]

56. hi Bouncy Ball, I kept thinking about this and there is a lot funny

here but I am more and more disturbed by it the more I think about it. The fact that the fundie had the gall to be stopping and then yelling at the homeowner. "...fundie was yelling" ORAL SEX, etc. I had a fundie actually screaming at work about Clinton to the point she was almost crying and was red-faced. They are so livid about anyone who doesn't do what they want and there's no reasoning with them. It just seems to me there are more and more of them around and they are getting crazier and more vociferous in their demands.

[babylonsister]

57. Thanks for this, BB!

Too. damn. funny!

[Deja Q]

58. Anybody have a camera? I'd take a pic myself, but am too far away!

O8)

[RebelOne]

59. My sides are hurting from laughing so much. n/t

[China_cat]

60. Well Mary WAS (technically) a virgin.

[Briarius]

61. Hilarious Story!

Sad, but hilarious! thanks!

[noonwitch]

63. Good story, but I feel bad for the crazy woman, that she can't lighten up

and enjoy the holidays like your neighbors are doing.

[flvegan]

65. Good thing Snoopy didn't land face down in Mary's lap

The very idea of such a thing would've probably caused her head to explode...instantly.

[tekriter]

85. or Joseph lands face-down in Snoopy's lap...

that would be even better!

[flvegan]

87. Or if Snoopy fell over first, face up, THEN Joseph

fell on Snoopy's face, with his face in Mary's lap. Nativity porn at it's best. Sweet nutcracker!

[stanwyck]

68. Are you a professional writer?

I just read it out loud. Too funny. And you wrote your account so well. Really. If you're not writing professionally now, you should consider it. You really made the episode happen for us.
Thanks.

[Maestro]

69. Fundies are so obsessed with sex and sexual imagery

that they will see dirty sex in everything and anything. I wonder how they propagate the species? Are they screamers or do they just lie there until something happens?

[Zuni]

71. I would call the police

this woman is apparently very, very emotionally unstable and is perhaps even delusional

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

76. We know what she's REALLY PISSED about

fundi husbands don't do THAT!

on edit: It's a good thing Joseph isn't BEHIND Mary :evilgrin:

[GOPisEvil]

92. Ding, ding, ding...we have a winnah!

[Nadienne]

77. Obviously, the nativity scene was set up just so to offend

the righteous. (To explore this from the fundie perspective.) Your neighbor had to have done that on purpose. There's no other possible reason.

Man, fundies make me so angry sometimes!

[mtnsnake]

80. People like that fundie probably have loads of skeletons that

they're trying to cover up by acting like this. In her past, she probably had 10 or 15 abortions and was arrested as a teenager for making porn films with underaged kids. Now she can prove to herself and all her friends that she's a good Christian by her actions toward your neighbor.

[Chalco]

81. You made my day. Thanks! n/t

[davidinalameda]

84. just posted this on another website populated by fundies

I love pissing them off

great story and tell your neighbors happy holidays from me

[Ellen Forradalom]

86. "Mary gets some action and I don't! NO FAIR!"

"I'm going to complain to the town authorities if I don't get some oral sex RIGHT NOW!"

[rene moon]

88. Please watch out for your neighbor

This woman sounds crazy. Funny though though!

[Blue Gardener]

90. Best post I've read today

Thanks for the laugh.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

91. rofl i bet she's just jalous on mary

nice story...but stuff like this make me thankful there's an ocean between america and europe....

[Lorien]

93. I hope you don't mind

but I just HAD to send that one out to a few people on my email list. Too funny!

[u4ic]

95. Well I almost wet MY pants

[Blue Gardener]

96. Kicking this again for those who missed it

This story is just too funny to miss.

[NJCher]

97. here, buy this for Joseph and shut the fundy up

I absconded it from Dover, who posted it in the Astrology/Alternative Healing forum:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=245x1764

Japanese men rest weary heads on women's laps -- made of foam

Mon Dec 13,12:07 PM ET Offbeat - AFP

TOKYO (AFP) - Japanese men who want to rest their weary heads this Christmas season are finding comfort in the lap of a woman -- made of foam.




The torso-less "lap pillow" stands upright like a small cushion and resembles a woman's legs in a miniskirt.

"Single men find this soothing," said Mitsuo Takahashi of the seven-employee manufacturer Trane KK....cont'd

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1516&nc...


Cher

[PartyPooper]

98. I tried to nominate this great post for the home page. But, it's too old!

Thanks for such a terrific thread. It's a great read for everyone!

:hi:

[miss_kitty]

99. Word is

Joseph was a horndog

[GoddessOfGuinness]

100. HAHAhahahahaha!

That is toooooooo hilarious!

As for the fundy, she doesn't have any problem a little oral sex won't cure. :evilgrin: