Mrs Matcom is BORED At Work And Is Reading DU - Post Something FUNNY!

[matcom]

:D

she just called and said, "Have your friends post funny stuff so I can get through the day!"

so, fellow DUers, i'll leave it to YOU!

post funny shit for Mrs MATCOM!!!

:bounce:

[MidwestTransplant]

1. Try this

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

[SharonRB]

6. LOL n/t

[GOPisEvil]

2. Why does she need...oh, right...Teena's at work.

:evilgrin:

[WMliberal]

3. how about posting a link to the "things to not say while

seeing Passion of the Christ"?


wham wham wham!

[WoodrowFan]

15. hey peter

I can see my house from here!

[GOPisEvil]

16. Bob Vila would have used decking screws

[WoodrowFan]

17. hey Pilate

Pull my finger!

[Midlodemocrat]

32. That is one of my all time favorite jokes

...albeit very irreverent.

[underpants]

39. Man did we really nail this one!!!(LINK)

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=818212

[MichaelHarris]

4. Mrs MATCOM when ordering a chicken sammich ask for well done

Seriously, last post I only did it for Matcom and Mrs Matcom cuz she looks so good in lace and he's not bad in spandex.

[matcom]

5. YYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY

your BACK!! i KNEW you would!

:bounce:

[MichaelHarris]

7. LOL

dunno, but I knew I couldn't pass up this thread. I passed on so much funny stuff the last few days, man it woulda killed ya, and prolly got me banned.

BTW, tell Mrs Matcom her thong is peeking out, just a bit but enough for that Harvey guy to get some woodage.

[matcom]

8. that's by design

i like it when she flirts

[MichaelHarris]

13. Mrs Matcom and Matcom's day at the beach

Man Matcom I'm going out in a blaze of glory today.

[yellowdogintexas]

9. I just posted a Dave Barry column, surely she can't miss that

[rbnyc]

10. My right breast is going off like a fire hose!

I've expressed 2 ounces of milk in less than a minute!

Yes, I always read DU while pumping my breasts at work. So if I'm here, you can bet my boob is hanging out.

Funny or just TMI?

[Dora]

18. Well, now I know what to do

when I start pumping at the office next April.

[rbnyc]

20. Rock on!

We could start a club!

:)

[Dora]

29. New DU Group idea: Mothers Milking at the Office

I think it would probably attract some questionables, though. Perhaps we'd be better off keeping our teats under wraps.

[Richardo]

30. That's not what we meant when we told you to express yourself...

:)

[rbnyc]

36. Ha! Ha! (nt)

[achtung_circus]

11. Well, God created Adam

and Adam came before God to get fitted with attributes.

God said: "OK, Adam, what do you want?"

Adam: "well, what have you got?"

Godd: "well, let's see". God picks up a box and looks inside. "Well, there's strength"

Adam: "Yeah, I'd like to be strong." Adam is strong. "I'd like to run fast". Adam runs fast. And so it goes. Adam thinks of attributes, God rummages around in the box and hands them to Adam.

LATER

God creates Eve and Eve shows up for her attributes.

Eve: "I'd like to be strong."

God (looking in box) : "well, Adam seems to have got that one."

Eve: "I'd like to run fast."

God: "Adam took that as well."

So it continues, Eve thinking of cool attributes, God replying that Adam was there first.

Finally Eve says "well is there anything good left?"

God rummages around and says "the only thing left seems to multiple orgasms."

[yvr girl]

12. This always makes me laugh

The Cats Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

[WoodrowFan]

14. did she ever approve of your 3-some with the porn star??

there, THAT should get a guffaw out of her.

[Wilber_Stool]

19. It's Christmas Eve

and nobody can think of what to get 92 year old grandpa for Christmas.
Someone shouts" I know, let's get him a prostitute."
Everyone thinks this is a great idea.
That night, grandpa gets a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there is a six foot tall red head with a figure that could kill.
She bends over and whispers in his ear"Grandpa, I'm going to give you super sex."
Grandpa thinks for a moment and asks,
" What kind of soup?"

[DS1]

21. Get this...

I'm too busy to post something funny :crazy:

[matcom]

23. LOSER!!

she will KILL you later :P

[MichaelHarris]

22. If you ever visit Matcom ask to see the photo albums, pretty funny stuff

Matcom, age 6 after discovering Pop's liquor cabinet

[WoodrowFan]

24. I thought

he was kissing his dead goldfish goodbye.

[MichaelHarris]

26. hahahahahahahaa

man that's funny LOL

[matcom]

25. that WAS his liquor cabinet!!!!

:P

[MichaelHarris]

27. either that

or the half can of beer with the cigar stub in the bottom of it.

[yellowdogintexas]

28. tell her to go here

http://www.democraticunderground.com/cgi-bin/duforum/duboard.cgi?az=show_thread&om=30171&forum=DCForumID35&archive=

[Midlodemocrat]

31. Okay, you asked for it.

Got this email today.

I dislike too many warning forwards in my mail as much
as anyone, but this one is important! I hope I'm not too late!
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
all your clothes off and dance around to shake off the
ticks, DON'T DO IT! It is a scam; they only want to see you
naked.

I wish I had gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...

[Zenaholic]

33. When I die I want to go out peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa...

...not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[matcom]

34. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i am in FUCKING TEARS HERE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

PRICELESS.

[Az]

35. Go here, dance, be saved

http://www.dancedanceresurrection.i12.com/

[SOteric]

37. Man Song

http://www.gotlaughs.com/humor/mansong2.shtml

[underpants]

38. Hey Mrs. matcom!!!!

Cheers

[0007]

41. This guy knows how to pick the good looking ones.

[hangemhigh]

40. Here ya go...

http://www.illwillpress.com/

Click on "No Christmas for You"

[jonnyblitz]

42. is she a LURKER or something?!?!

I think SHE needs to post !!!! :P

[matcom]

43. you suggesting i UNCHAIN her from the basement???

no WAY!

[jonnyblitz]

44. well you let her out to go to work

she can post then can't she?

[matcom]

45. against MY rules?

she KNOWS i'll "lay down the law"

*ok. i'm officially :scared: now. PLEASE don't show her this ok*

i didn't mean it REALLY! :scared:

[jonnyblitz]

48. SERIOUSLY she needs to post!!

:hi:

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

46. A Christmas story to cheer up Mrs. M

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Merry Christmas!

[JimmyJazz]

47. Does this mean I have to revert to calling you

Lord God Emperor Ruler of the Universe Sir?

(I'll pm my address where you can send the check) :hi: