DU parents: help out my "parenting" "instincts"

[Robb]

Many of you know my new domestic partner (!) has a teenage daughter. I'm not dad, of course, but I realized early on that no matter what I do, I'm bound to have an influence on the kiddo. So I've been monitoring myself these past few months pretty carefully, taking my interactions with her seriously.

Anyhow. So Christmas came and went, and the daughter was misbehaving -- mostly typical teenager stuff, some lying about where she was, mouthing off, selfish actions, nothing real heavy. She had a heck of a pile of loot on the 25th, regardless. Mom decided not to give her something she's been wanting, a pass to the local pool. It's expensive and desirable, since the teenage set hangs out there quite a bit.

But money was tight, and mom was pretty ticked off at her, so the investment wasn't made.

Now, in light of the guy who's selling his "bad" kids' gifts on eBay, I've been pondering this a bit. What we've done is just not bought that gift, not dangled it over her head, not said "you've been naughy so you don't get it" etc., just not bought it. My gut tells me that's the right move, and of course what mom says goes; but am I missing out on some kind of lesson-learning moment here? Is there something to be taught about actions and consequences? :shrug:

[Bouncy Ball]

1. What mom did

(not buying the pool pass because of inappropriate behavior) sounds perfectly appropriate, especially since you say there wasn't any humiliation, etc involved.

[Vanje]

2. Just tell her the truth

"We just couldnt afford it this year."

Its not her fault, and it has nothing to do with her behavior.

[Robb]

5. Ah, but that's not entirely true

... the choice was made not to get her the pass in large part because of her behavior. We could've swung it, money-wise.

[Karenina]

3. Robb, don't be a dingbat

Santa makes his list and checks it TWICE!

[seriousstan]

4. Everything is right so far, I would say the next step is to

let her earn the pass. I am not talking about some simple esoteric goal like "being good", but a real tangible goal. I always have plenty of home projects so my kids can earn money by either helping or doing jobs themselves. Keep it real, concrete, something that can be measured.

[Robb]

7. Like a job list kinda thing?

e.g. "here's fifteen things that need doing, do ten and you've earned a pass"?

[seriousstan]

12. Sounds good , but I can't emphasize this enough....

it cannot be subjective. It has to be a pass/fail at every level. Once the kids know they can get by on the cheap, they ski that slope to the bottom of the hill. Then the arguments will be about how you went back on a promise and you will never be able to will the point that they didn't fulfill their side of the bargain.

Good luck.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

6. You couldn't afford it

so you couldn't get it. No big deal. When I was a kid, I wanted a guitar. My mom couldn't afford it. I did odd jobs in the neighborhood and saved up my money and bought it for myself. Gave me a real sense of satisfaction and empowerment. If the teen wants this pass, you might suggest she do what I did.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

8. That eBay guy sucks

An exhibitionist and a damn bad parent. If, as they wrote in an article I saw, his family finances were tight, the stuff the parents bought for those kids was so overboard and insane, I can't help thinking that the old man was just looking for a way NOT to give the kids the gifts and recoup some of his money.

Trust your instincts with the girl. You said "teenager," but you didn't say specifically what age she is. That's a broad range - there's a big difference between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old.

She's adjusting to a new living situation, she's probably missing her Dad (or, at the very least, the concept of what she imagined her "real" family to be), and her hormones are flying around inside her at a rate we've all pretty much forgotten about. Plus, her body is changing, there's the old peer pressure number at school, the competitiveness for good grades, college acceptance, SATs, boys.

If you think it's complicated being a parent, it's even harder for a kid to be a kid. The girls die a thousand deaths every day, just deciding what to wear.

But, yeah, I'd say withholding that pool pass was a good idea. It might be a good carrot to flash at her and tell her it's her reward for (fill in the blank). But, be realistic. Her Mom knows what to do, sounds like, and all you have to do is to back up her Mom.

Merry Christmas, Man In The House. Good luck (from the mother of two daughters).

[K8-EEE]

9. Yes -- I Think That's Fine

I really don't like the idea of power tripping/manipulation with the Christmas presents.

I don't do much of it myself; I don't like the idea of Christmas gifts with strings attached and I don't think once a year presents make or break every day behavior, which has to be dealt with on an every day basis. For instance, if you lie about where you're going, you're grounded. That's every day stuff that shouldn't hinge on holiday gifts IMO.

I know the naughty/nice thing is drilled into us as very small children, but we prefer to exchange simple affordable gifts for Christmas and not really use them for reward or punishment. That's just not what Christmas is all about to me.

I do reward good report cards with cash. $50 for each A, $20 for a B; but I look at that as a "bonus" for doing good work much like you would get at work.

However, if she's been acting up the parents shouldn't go out of their way to get something they can't afford. I think that's fair.

[Padraig18]

10. Best thing you can do is back Mom up.

Do NOT fall into the 'divide and conquer' trap.

[skygazer]

13. Very good advice

It's tough being a step parent (it's tough being a parent anyway). You have to walk a fine line - the kid needs to accept you as the man of the house but you have to accept that you're not the kid's actual father. Don't get drawn into the scenario of trying to be a good friend rather than an authority figure but try not to be an overly rigid authority figure as well. Best course is to work with mom and back her up.

Teenagers are learning about spreading their wings and gaining some independence - it's a tough time because you have to have boundaries while still allowing them a chance to expand them.

Good luck!!

[auntAgonist]

14. Amen to that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[flamingyouth]

16. AMEN!

I have friends with two kids who are currently going through this problem. They wound up in marriage counseling (fortunately...) over it. Mom is the tough one, and the kids knew they could run to dad and he would cave in. Nothing but trouble came from that one.

Good advice. :thumbsup:

[LEW]

11. I think what mom should do now is

wait for a time when the teenager is acting "good" and then get her the pool pass. Teenagers just don't want to be treated like little kids, and you will show her you will treat her like an adult when she acts more like an adult. I think parents need to evolve with their children when they become teenagers, and stop treating them like 5 year olds.

[LiberalinNC]

15. I think there is more to her behavior than just not getting her way!

As a parent, I know kids act out when they don't get their way, and when there are other "issues". Stand your ground, if she has been "acting up" then she doesn't deserve the pass to the local pool. I do however like the idea of making her work for it, it will make her feel like she's done something to deserve it.

And as far as those parents on ebay selling their children's gift, IMHO those parents are horrible! Why couldn't they just return the gifts instead of humiliate their children and their entire family. I'd never do that to my kids.

Good luck!

[koneko]

17. This cannot be compared

to the dad who sold the Nintendo on eBay. From what you're saying, she got a lot of other presents.

People need to learn that there are consequences to their behavior. (At any age) You could approach it by telling her that money is tight, and that by working odd jobs around the house to earn the pass, it would teach her a valuable lesson in responsibility. However, if the poor behaviour isn't addressed in part, then she could do all of the tasks while still acting up. . . you run the risk of rewarding for poor (albeit standard adolescent) behavior. It's a fine line.

I recommend handling it this way - explain that money's tight, but with helping out around the house, she can earn 'points'. But you should address what behaviour is concerning you. If it continues, then points can be subtracted. It's a hard decision to make though. You don't want to forget what it's like to be a teen. Make sure you're not punishing her for being stuck in the throes of puberty, and that it's behaviour that can be managed through discipline. In the end, you'll have helped raise a responsible member of society. As adults, we all know we don't always get what we want. And we also know that we have to work for the things we do want. If we were to act on every whim, especially at work, we'd get fired. You'll be teaching her self-control, and rewarding her for when she masters the skills that are necessary to make it 'out there'. . .

Good luck!!!

[iconoclastic cat]

18. First, don't call a teen "kiddo."

Second, don't leave your stepdaughter to guess at your reasons. Third, give her alternatives for redeeming herself that will create positive habits. (For instance, my parents ordered me to volunteer at an animal shelter, etc.)

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

19. My view (no parenting experience) is you did the right thing, and

you still don't OWE her the pool pass even if she cleans up her act. Part of life lessons is not just that you don't get something you want, like that, if you don't act right (though that's an important one), other important lessons include your life doesn't end if you can't hang out at the pool with all the cool kids. Find something else to do. Get a job, or read a book, or get into some kind of sport or recreational activity.

Just my take, my gut reaction to the story and responses.