How many times must my friend turn the other cheek?

[Nikepallas]

Here's the deal. My friend who most of us think is a very good person had fallen on hard times. She is rather upset with her cousin who has been a jerk to her at times.

Her cousin dropped out of her wedding and then while the cousin was pregnant she did not speak to my friend because The cousin was embarrassed to be pregnant out of wedlock--not a big deal in most areas but around my friends area it is still a big deal. then the friend's cousin wants her back in her life mostly to show off the baby and get gifts and what not.


Each time my friend gets hurt and upset. The friend's mother says "that's just the way the cousin is". Basically my friend's hurt feelings shouldn't matter.

Well, the last draw in my friend's mind came when the cousin convinced the friend(unemployed at the time) to put her name in and applications around the Virgina School districts because they are in such a need to get teachers that they will let you work for your certification just as long as you have a BA. Friend goes down and is basically told by one school that they don't want to follow that policy they can help it. Want someone with the certification. The other interviews she goes on she is either told this or someone with the certification is picked over her(the ones getting picked over her didn't bother her.) The fact that this cousin insists she should have gotten a job that she was able to get her job (3 years ago that way). My friend believed the cousin should have researched everything more before insisting and almost begging my friend to spend money she didn't have to go down their to be rejected.

Again friend's mother is like "You shouldn't feel Bad, if the cousin said you could have gotten a job you did something wrong". Mother's friend is a real winner as well, she insisted my friend vote for this person or that person during all elections--coming from a town where it's who you know and how much you have. Trying to get a job as a secretary in that school district you had to play politics which friend did. This last time however they again looked over my friend for a job as a secretary then expected her to vote for one of their relatives for mayor.

My question is this does my friend have the right to start feeling hurt and have "a chip on her shoulder". Keep in mind she has always stayed in the background so others could have or shine around her or should she just suck it up and keep her feelings down again?

[SheilaT]

1. Your friend needs to step

back and take a careful look at exactly what's going on. First of all, forget the fact that the other person is a cousin. Cousin is a user and a manipulator. Would she fall for this kind of crap from a non relative?

I doubt it. Also, the friend really ought to have the sense to check on requirements for substitute teaching herself, rather than take someone else's word for it. What's not clear is if Cousin is currently a sub in that school district right now.

What your friend needs to do is cut off contact with Cousin, and get on with her own life. If she can't move a long way away, she simply needs to not let Cousin use her, con her, anything at all like that. And if your friend starts in with stuff like, "Oh, I could never do that! She's my cousin!" then try again to make your friend understand how destructive this relationship is, and that she can choose whether or not to remain in such a dysfunctional relationship.

[Nikepallas]

3. My friend did check on the requirements but the schools themselves

are changing them a little. See each Principal hires the person and most are tired of people getting the degree/certificate than leaving the area. So this cousin is their insisting that Principals wants bodies their.

Some principals want good teachers BUT of course if you have someone who already has the degree competing with someone who doesn't who is going to win. The fact I think burns my friend the most is that she is telling her cousin what she is up against and what she is told but the cousin doesn't want to believe what she says.

[SheilaT]

4. It sounds as if the cousin

wants nothing other than to set your friend up to fail, be humiliated, or some such. The cousin gets to feel quite superior, but gets points for having tried to help out. People like that are poison.

[hfojvt]

2. some say 77, but I always went with 490

but that is total incidents, not per person. I figure that I reached 490 when I was about 11.
If she feels hurt, it is not a good thing to tell her not to feel the way she feels. The question is how to respond to the hurt, by mourning or by plotting revenge. Is she going to let them make her mean?
I see the cousin having her own problems, and trying to be helpful. I do not see alot of malice there. She needs to stand up for herself some, but I would not put a chip on my shoulder. It is bad for your posture and it makes an inviting target.