If you were a millionaire, would you keep it a secret while dating?

[Gothic Sponge]

insuring that your potential mate is interested in you, and not your money, or would this be dishonest?

[LiberalFighter]

1. Would it be dishonest for the women to pretend it was love and not money?

[skygazer]

13. Interesting how we assume it's the MAN who's the millionaire

And the woman who's the potential money grubbing spouse. Hmmmm.....

[benburch]

2. While dating, no, not dishonest.

One's financial details would not become relevant until a more durable relationship was already being contemplated.

[porkrind]

3. It might be a good idea, but I don't think it would matter.

While dating for any extended period of time, you couldn't help but get to know the real person. There is no way someone could hide a selfish gold-digging personality from me, I can smell insincerety and materialism. Besides, they wouldn't really know how to hide it anyway, because that is not their true self.

[slackmaster]

6. I don't believe my latest ex-GF knew she was gold-digging

She was a single mom looking for security, overtly seeking to cobble together something resembling a "real" family. She had grand ideas about living arrangements that always seemed to involve me making ALL of the sacrifices, and she and her son getting taken care of. Not entirely unreasonable but looking at the overall economic picture I would have gotten screwed had I not ended the relationship.

[slackmaster]

4. Tough question

A person's financial situation is an important consideration when looking for a spouse or serious long-term partner. I'm 46, divorced, and doing OK. It would be risky for me to get involved with a woman near my age who was deeply in debt.

I don't believe it's dishonest to hold back on that information early in a relationship as long as the level of disclosure is mutually agreed upon. Once you get to a certain level of seriousness you can't keep that kind of thing a secret.

[supernova]

11. I agree with this sentiment

I think I would keep finances out of it at first. Until I know if the relationship is going anywhere and he shows himself to be responsible, including with money.

I don't think you should ask your partner to reveal any more at a given time than you are also ready to reveal.

I'm in the same boat tho', so I understand. At 42, I couldn't take another financial hit from someone who has a lot of finanacial baggage.

[slackmaster]

12. Thanks - I got off easy in my divorce

Ended up at ZERO net worth at age 40. Fortunately I own a house in San Diego and have had steady good employment most of the time since then. I have recovered, but as you put it can't risk another financial hit.

[supernova]

21. That's good to hear

you are doing alright now.


I did well too, to a certain extent. It was the marriage that did me in financially. When we split, he wanted most of the stuff, and the ongoing payments that went with it. I said fine, keep it. I just want my freedom.

[bahrbearian]

5. With my looks ,keeping it secret wouldn't work, I have to tell people

that I'm a millionaire to get a date, which only last as long as it takes them realize I'm not. I guess Taco Bell doesn't impress many people.

[LiberalFighter]

28. Not if you tell them.. "How do you think I got to be a millionaire?"

[Deja Q]

7. Finances are why most relationships break...

Maybe the judges and religious shitheads should look at that instead of proclaiming gays to be why marriage needs to be 'defended'.

Our whole way of life is dishonest.

[Schema Thing]

8. I would if I could

Hell, I would try to keep it to myself if I even made much more than average, at least for a while.

It's only human to "see" a person differently when they have what feels to you like the answers to many of your problems. It wouldn't make that person bad necessarilly, it just perverts the ideal (to my mind) relationship process.

I know I'd have to check my own heart & mind for brutal honesty if I was dating a rich woman, even one I was genuinely attracted to.

[LiberalFighter]

30. Put it into some kind of trust fund that releases only so much a year

That way the money won't change you the wrong way.

[Schema Thing]

34. Heheh...

I think you took me wrong. I have no problem with ME having the money }( I just would not want money perverting the brutal self honesty that one needs to enter into, and form the foundation of, a good relationship.

[Bronco69]

9. I certainly wouldn't say anything right away, but eventually the

other person is going to find out whether you tell them or not. People like to talk and keeping something like that a secret would be very hard to do.

[bleedingheart]

10. why not?

a very close friend of mine was married to a woman that assumed he had a great deal of money...just because his parents lived very well.. When they were in college this gal thought that this wealth would pass to this guy and her..... but was a bit put off that it didn't happen.

The marriage lasted 10 months...

[Orangepeel]

14. I think it would be weird to announce it...

IMO, financial issues don't become relevant until the relationship reachea a point where you are discussing spending the future together. Even then, it would be dishonest not to disclose financial troubles that would negatively impact the other person, but I don't think it's really necessary to "disclose" the full financial picture until you start talking about mingling the finances.

[Radical Activist]

15. damn right i would

Of course this is all theoretical for me, but I wouldn't let anyone know until things started to get serious. Even people who don't think of themselves as gold-diggers can have their attitude about the relationship changed by knowing the other person is a millionaire. I wouldn't want money to have anything to do with why a woman would start dating me or stay with me.

[Orsino]

16. You couldn't honestly keep it a secret...

...while dating. When the question came up, "What do you do for a living," one either has a job or doesn't. Not working means significant financial independence.

Ergo, by the first date, one either reveals significant wealth, or lies about it.

[haele]

22. It's easy enough to hide.

Especially if you worked your way into wealth. I have met people who keep their wealth on paper and don't have all the toys, and if you're working high up in a company - or even own the company, there are terms you can use describing what you do that can easily cover a wide range of income. A "manager", an "engineer" or a "business strategist" can be anyone. Not all PhD's or "Doctors" are wealthy. There are owners of businesses that bring home only $30 - $60K a year. There are owners of that bring home $30 - $60 million a year.
If, like one engineer I know, you live fairly simply and don't flaunt the bling and fancy toys, it's easy to appear that you're in the $30 - $60K a year category. Especially since there's so many knock-offs of the good stuff that can look real - and until they live with you or marry you, how would someone know you're able to have bought with cash that 2000 sq ft house you're living in and that nice Lexus - how can they tell you're not up to your eyeballs in debt until some sort of long term relationship decision has already been made and the two of you sit down to look at joint finances?

Haele

[CJCRANE]

17. I have a friend like that...

his parents are very rich, yet he rarely mentions it, has a normal job and apartment, doesn't even have a car.

His brother however lives off his parents, doesn't work, has a house provided by them and a very fast sports car.

They both do alright in terms of dating, the first is happy being a (slightly socialist) rebel, the second is quite happy enjoying the fruits of (unearned in his case) capitalism.

For me personally, if I was a millionaire I would be more into "stealth wealth", i.e. appear to be a regular guy but use my wealth in subtle ways e.g. have a normal car but soup up the engine and suspension so that it handles like a sports car, stuff like that.

[DS1]

19. Like an M5 with the 'remove M5 tag' option?

:7

Sleeper cars rock.

If I were to win a 100 million bucks, I'd still hang out with my friends, but I'd always pick up the tab and stuff - and make sure my closer friends all had safe rides and things like that - I think I'd be a good enough judge of character to spot the gold miners.

[mark414]

23. THAT is the way to do it

i don't want a bmw or a big house...but man my little volkswagen would blow some minds if i could put any sort of decent money into it...damn

[supernova]

41. I think I'd like this guy

the first one, not the second one.

I like unassuming types. They're very special and very rare.

[SarahB]

18. I think it's good to discuss generalities on this stuff.

I mean, in either situation (either someone is poor or is more well-off) so that everyone is honest and above board, but specific figures are not necessary in terms of merely dating.

[miss_kitty]

20. what if you are keeping this secret

and they knew, but they were keeping the fact that they KNEW you were a millionaire a secret from you?

you'd be screwed, if they were a certain type of person. And you wouldn't know, because you thought they didn't know.

[Left Is Write]

24. I have no idea. Being a millionaire has never been an issue for me.

:)

[B Calm]

25. Depends if I'm looking to be laid or for a wife...

[JVS]

26. I think it would be pretty obvious when I arrive carried on a litter...

while wearing a diamond encrusted cape that would make Liberace green with envy

[Cleita]

38. Would the litter be carried by buff, handsome guys?n/t

[JVS]

39. Nude women would carry me around

[Cleita]

27. I think it would be hard to keep it a secret.

Nice clothes, car and expensive dates would give it away. There are other ways to find out what a potential mate is really interested in. On the other hand if you date someone who has as much money as you do, then most likely it's you they are interested in and not your money, but not always.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

29. Just because you have money doesn't mean you have to spend it in front

of someone. If the hypothetical millionaire was trying to go "undercover" like the Prince and the Pauper (or "Coming to America"), they could go on simple, nonexpensive dates and not wear fancy clothes.

[Cleita]

31. They would still give it away.

Poor people who have to scrimp from paycheck to paycheck have different spending habits than those who don't have to worry. Also, there is the loser factor. If you are attractive and have a good future ahead of you, you probably would move on pretty quickly to find someone who has the same goals as you and leave the apparent loser behind.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

33. Are you saying that if you didn't appear to have a lot of money to blow

on fancy restaurants etc. that you would appear to be a "loser" to a date? If so, I think that is PRECISELY the type of shallow person the "undercover" approach is designed to screen out.

[Cleita]

36. Fancy restaurants? No, not really.

I once had a boyfriend in college, who took me to Disneyland, fancy nightclubs and bought me nice gifts, but I just wasn't attracted to him so I broke it off.

However, a guy who can't hold down a job, has no education and no future really wouldn't attract a quality woman even if he was pretending to be a schlep. Sorry bub that's just the way it is. Ever walk through a trailer park? All, the good looking rednecks with no redeeming qualities are married to fat, freeper-like women. It's because neither of them can do any better.

You have to remember that a woman's future even in this day and age is still tied to her husband's ability to earn money. So most women will look for a man who can provide a decent home and education for her children. I don't think it's really even a conscious decision, but something genetically ingrained.

Not only that, I would be very pissed off if someone lied to me about his circumstances. Just the deceit would turn me off.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

37. But the hypothetical millionaire is someone who is presumably NOT a loser,

trying to pretend to be someone who doesn't have money, to see if the person they are dating is interested in them "as a person" outside of their wealth.

A lot of people who are in graduate school or professional school, for instance, don't have much money to spend, but are not losers or trailer trash, and may have excellent prospects.

I think I understand the points you are trying to make but I'm not sure they apply entirely to the main post...

Now an excellent point that many have made on this thread is that beyond maybe the earliest dating, if the relationship is getting to any level of "seriousness" at all then it would be impossible to keep any of these type of secrets, and undesireable to do so. Realistic choices about marriage etc. do depend to a degree on this information, and deception may be an unforgiveable offense. On that I can agree entirely.

[B Calm]

32. She would see me getting my bare butt swatted with palm leaves

by a half dozen naked hula girls as a guy with money!

[amazona]

35. I would keep it a secret, yes

I saw too many of my older relatives get taken by gigolos and con artists. Older women with visible resources are targeted like you wouldn't believe.

A man should be able to stand on his own two feet and earn his own living. I would never want to "date" anyone, with a view toward a relationship, who was looking at me as a wallet. Older women put up with too much as it is.

People you know casually should not be made aware of your financial status, anyway. It is just rude. People who flash a lot of bling are trashy in my view.

Let it be a nice surprise that you're independently wealthy when the lawyer drops off the pre-nup paperwork. Otherwise, it is none of his business how much money I might or might not have.

[BetterThanJake]

40. If they had money too i would tell them

if she had money she probably wouldn't get greedy.