Need help ASAP, parent in nursing home

[hatredisnotavalue]

I really need to find a web site on how to care for a parent in a nursing home. My mother just got admitted to long term care and she is in total denial. I need to know what to say to her tomorrow when I visit her, because she doesn't believe she is sick...HELP!

[K8-EEE]

1. You Might Try This One, Children Of Aging Parents

It's a non profit, hope this helps...good luck.

http://www.caps4caregivers.org/

[medeak]

2. so sorry..

Every state is federally mandated to have a state division of aging services. There are some great people there with terrific skills to help you.

[candle_bright]

3. I don't have a website, but

maybe you could talk to her doctor and other medical staff familiar with her case and get some insight from them how to approach the situation with her. Also, if the facility allows it, try to take your mother out for lunch/dinner/anything whenever possible. Visits are so important to them, and even better for many if they get to go out. Anything you can bring to make her room as much like home is always good too.
Good luck to you and your mother.

[nine23]

4. Does the facility have a social worker you can liase with?

That would be the first thing I would check into...if they do, IT'S THEIR JOB TO HELP YOU WITH ANY INQUIRIES YOU MAY HAVE.

[Not_Giving_Up]

5. What's wrong with your mom?

Whay was she admitted? Are you worried that she won't understand why she's there? I worked at a long term acute care hospital for a year...A lot of our patients were elderly, and didn't understand.

[Malva Zebrina]

6. How sick is she?

I have worked in many, and I mean many, and there are feisty people who resist every inch of the way, periodically "escaping", packing their bags every other day and threatening to leave, and insisting they want out.

They have little to say about their incarceration.

Nursing homes are sad places.

I will chain myself to the kitchen stove before I would consent to being put into a nursing home.

[WritersBlock]

7. Hope this helps...

From the Texas Health Care Association website:

"As with all of us, adjusting to a new situation can intensify these negative feelings. The resident may direct these feelings at you, because you are seen as responsible for the new situation. These feelings may also be directed at the nursing facility staff and other residents.

This reaction is normal and may be temporary. Your choices are to match anger for anger, to deflect it, or empathize. You can listen to the complaints until the resident has vented his or her frustration, and then guide the conversation toward some thing or event that the two of you can enjoy talking about together. You can also assist the resident in talking with staff members who can provide professional help."

http://www.txhca.org/pie/emotional.htm

[hatredisnotavalue]

10. PERFECT!!!

Thanks so much...

[ncrainbowgrrl]

8. My parents had good things to say about this site- Donno if it helps...

http://www.aplaceformom.com

[hatredisnotavalue]

9. She has been sick for about the past 20 years

Always using it to bring a topic about anything to her health. She broke her hip in Aug, before she had knee surgery five years ago, which she never recovered from.
She has been sick since I knew her.

[knitter4democracy]

11. I would grab the nursing home doctor

My hubby's an internist, and he covers a couple different nursing homes. He's often brought in to help with this situation, to help explain to patients just how sick they are and how much help they really need. Of course, he used to be a nurse's aid at nursing homes in high school and college, so he's really good at knowing how to put things.

If she's broken a hip, she needs serious care, and she's only going to get that at a nursing care facility, especially if she's got other health issues as well. Her doctor might be the only one she'll listen to, but he'll be able to give her survival rates and other numbers to get through (the one year survival rates for a broken hip aren't good, especially without care).

[hatredisnotavalue]

13. I know :( nt

[DemocratSinceBirth]

14. my mom broke her hip and had her leg amputated nine years ago...

she also had stage 3 colon cancer in 00....

She's 86 and doing pretty good but I am lucky enough to take care of her in my home....

She would be dead by now in a nursing home...

[SummerGrace]

12. ElderCare Online

Scroll down and you'll find websites with suggestions, groups, and chat.
http://www.ec-online.net/

[hatredisnotavalue]

15. Thanks so much you guys

I was feeling so much guilt with her being in a NH, but I know I can't give her proper care given her broken hip. You don't have to reply anymore, I know that I will give her cheer, make our visits pleasant and pray for a speedy end, that is all I can do.

Thanks so, so much for your responses.

[welshTerrier2]

16. a book recommendation and a bit more ...

mrs. wt2 recommended this book ... read the reviews on Amazon ... almost everyone is raving about the book ...

Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children

http://www.amazon.com/

my only limited advice would be to understand that the loss of control over her own life must be incredibly frightening for your mother ... job number one is compassion no matter how cranky she gets or how much she makes you the target ...

you don't need to be "the heavy" in this situation ... you can offer to meet with the administrator of the nursing home; you can offer to meet with the social worker; you can offer to meet with her doctors to discuss the situation ... you can't promise her "you will bust her out of the joint" and you aren't in a position to "solve" everything for her ... but you can ensure that any concerns she wants to raise will be heard by those who make the decisions ... you can be her advocate without letting her "win" ... let the pros take the heat ...

she may require some type of anti-depressant meds for a short or long-term ... she should definitely be seen as soon as possible by a social worker ... many elderly folks see this as a sign that people think they're crazy and resist meeting with shrinks and social workers ... perhaps on the first visit, it might be best to have the social worker "just visit with her" rather than trying to initiate a formal psych process ... most of the people i've seen in these roles are usually pretty good at breaking the ice ...

it is absolutely critical that you take responsibility for checking out the quality of care in this nursing home ... where i live, in Massachusetts, there is a statewide rating system that evaluates nursing homes and the results are publically available ... some of the key factors to look for are: quality of medical care, quality (and training of staff), cleanliness, quality of meals, responsive of the staff to problems, and very importantly the quality of recreational programs ... try to find out if there is any kind of family organization that meets regularly with the nursing home's administration to discuss problems and look for ways to improve the place ...

get some books to learn the ropes and don't be shy about getting some counseling for yourself ... this is usually really stressful stuff ... sometimes, working through strategies to help you interact with your mom can be very comforting to everyone involved ...

good luck ... don't expect to solve everything by tomorrow ... it's not going to happen ... do your homework and hang in there ... make it the best it can be for your mom and your family ...

[hatredisnotavalue]

17. Update, good news

Hi all. First I want to thank you all for your responses last night, they were invaluable.
I woke up at 4 a.m. knowing what to do. My mother loves the attention a hospital visit brings. So that's what I proceeded to do.
I went to Dunkin Donuts, got her coffee and her favorite pastry, all of the newspapers, and stopped off and got a plant. I felt that I would treat her admittance as a hospital stay.
When I got to the NH I asked the first aide I saw, where she was.

"Follow me,' he said.
Upon entering the room, he loudly said, (loud enough for my mother to hear) "Your mom is just a great person, she is so interesting, she is so much fun I am really going to enjoy having her here. She is very brilliant, isn't she?"

Well obviously, my mother was all pumped up when I saw her because she had heard him. A man was in the room painting the room. They had asked her what color she would like the room. Her window from her bed overlooks the river where I saw an eagle dive for fish. It is very bright and cherry.

She vented for a bit and I didn't really say anything. The hairdresser then came and asked her when she wanted her hair done this week. My mother said not this week as she had just come from the whirlpool and maybe next week. Her lunch came and the nurse asked me if I wanted anything to eat or a cup of coffee. My mother was very upbeat when I left.

Upon leaving, a nurse pulled my aside and asked me when I was going to bring my dog in again. My dog is quite well known at the facility, which is a veterans home, as my mother has been there since mid August. I have visited the facility twice a week since he was a baby.

Anyway, I am feeling very good about where she is. I cared for her in our home working full time and trying to raise two teenagers for the past three years. Before that, I took care of her in her own home for the past seven years. She is obviously failing, but failing in dignity. Sorry this is so long winded, but I feel really good about her care right now. Thanks so much for your thoughts and posts..:)

[wellstone dem]

18. You are amazing

the kind of care you have given your mother is a precious gift to you both. My mom provided that kind of care to her mom, but she did it so long that she told me "don't ever hesitate to put me in a nursing home. This was so hard."