I'm worried about my father-in-law

[GoddessOfGuinness]

A few years ago, he moved to Florida in a spur-of-the-moment decision. I was concerned then, but kept my mouth shut, because it seemed like there were advantages to his being in a warmer climate, and he'd made his mind up anyway...He's never respected either my point of view or that of my husband, his only child.

Well it sounds like he's having fun...He's got a girlfriend, and he's been on a cruise with her (we haven't met her, but my stepson has). However he's getting forgetful in very odd, but thus far harmless, ways. For example, in the past he's sent a Christmas card with a check in it to my husband, and the check included money for Mr GoG, me, and our two boys. He'd also send cards with enclosed checks to my stepsons.

Well this year we received a card with no check. My first thought was that his finances must have been hit hard by Dumbyass's policies. We sent our card and gift to him without thought of receiving anything in return, and ready to help him in any way we could.

Then we got a call from my stepson in Ohio, who received a check from him for everybody! This was so wacky that I didn't know what to think. Mr GoG called him up, and his dad admitted he'd made a mistake; but why didn't he call us once he realized he'd made it?

I think my husband should visit his dad for awhile, and take stock of the situation; because while this episode of forgetfulness hasn't hurt anyone, I'm worried about what other things he might be forgetting.

I don't know his girlfriend or her family; and while I'd like to think they're all wonderful people, I have had first-hand experience with people who take advantage of lonely seniors whose minds are beginning to deteriorate when my grandmother lived in Florida, 3,000 miles from my father.

Has anybody had experience with this kind of thing? It seems like my husband is in a kind of denial phase right now, and I'd hate to have something horrible happen before he wakes up. Also, I do not trust Mr GoG's ex. The details are dime-store novel material, so I won't elaborate. Let's just say I think she'd take great pleasure in seeing my husband disinherited.

[babylonsister]

1. My advice: do something now.

My grandma, who died in 1988, was a lovely lady and had beautiful things in her home from her travels. Some of those included brass rubbings from tombstones in England, promised to me. Anyway, she was ripped off by supposedly nice people who were supposedly watching out for her. My dad, her son, lived a few miles away and never figured out what was going on. He did finally 'get it' when he went over and a lot of her stuff was gone. Some older people will encourage anyone who shows them some attention. That includes people who want to paint a room for you, mow your lawn, fix your roof, sell you insurance, whatever. Take special care!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

3. My grandmother's next door neighbors

convinced her to buy a hibachi. They told her if she bought it, they'd cook on it for her anytime. This is the kind of crap I'm worried about with my father-in-law.

[babylonsister]

8. That's the start of a lot of bad things.

They, by being nice, can and will convince her of doing many "questionable" things, like sign her house over to them. Please consider this! I realize there are many nice, honorable people out there, but there are just as many people who take advantage and don't give a hoot what happens. My grandmother's "friends" were neighbors also and they bled her dry.

Edit to mean not 'bad', but not 'in her right mind', i.e. questionable.

[FM Arouet666]

2. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't

I have witnessed my grandmother go through disorientation to full Alzheimer's with my father hiding in denial until the obvious was undeniable. Now I see my own father doing the same thing. I have raised the issue with my mother and my sister with deaf ears. My wife is a psychiatrist, a geriatric psychiatrist, and tried intervening with my dad and the rest of the family this holiday, my family was responsive and acknowledged the problem but refused to act. My father refused to interact. My father can be very stubborn and bull headed, not to mention, down right mean, when he feels cornered. My father and I have always had an adversarial relationship, as do many fathers and sons, he would not listen to me.

You will likely be branded an alarmist, or worse. However, having seen my grandmother drive on the wrong side of the road when I was 12 years old, you may have no choice but to act for his safety.


Good luck.

[babylonsister]

4. I'm very sorry for you and your dad. He probably

knows, after seeing his mom, that his prognosis isn't good. Or worse, he's been denying his potential for getting/having Altzheimers for years. I hope you can find it in your heart to love him. It has got to be the ultimate scary experience until you just don't have any experience at all.
Peace.
Ruth

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. I'm sure it's horribly scary...

Watching our parents grow old and die is like an ice cube down your back. It jerks us into thinking about our own mortality.

Thanks for your thoughts...

[FM Arouet666]

9. Thank you

He is in denial, at least that is the face which he shows the family. My heart is full of love, but the reality of dealing with dementia is very difficult. Seeing a once strong man you called Dad becoming a mental invalid is difficult. He is now at the point where all those things which you, as a son, wish you could set right, fall on deaf ears. I just want to make sure the family keeps him safe through these trying times. The first part, and frequently the hardest part, is acknowledging that there is a problem.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. Maybe I should suggest that my husband go visit with my older stepson

My in-laws were pretty down on my husband for his less-than-conventional career path (he's a guitar teacher). They were thrilled when my stepson took the yuppie route and became an investment consultant.

There's no hostility between Mr GoG and his son. I'm thinking that if my father-in-law feels more respect for my stepson, maybe he can help my husband talk with him.

It sure would be a pain in the ass to have him living so far away in the event of an emergency.

[FM Arouet666]

7. I would tend to agree

People going through dementia tend to gravitate to less threatening individuals. However, I have noted that they also tend to gravitate toward people more their own age. As the dementia progresses, they start to lose recognition, and hence respect, of younger members of the family. If his progression is early, I agree, you stepson would be a good choice to intervene.

[Baja Margie]

10. Oh boy

sounds like maybe your father in law should be set up with a Certified Financial Advisor, and of course Medical care. Finally we my mom is set up with a CFA to protect her and assure that there will always be "enough" so that she will live comfortably. At last I am sleeping easy at night. She wavers in and out of denial, and definitely needed the safeguards. She was burned, and badly, to the tune of about 50K a few years back by this scoundrel. If I ever find that creep I'll ring his skinny little neck. Good luck. And yes, better go check out the situation.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

12. 50K?!?

Was it a "friend"?

My mother's dad had a bunch of church "friends" who swooped in like vultures after he died, saying he'd promised them this item or that amount of money. He'd married a woman who ignored their prenuptual agreement, and was ready to give his possessions away to her relatives and friends when my mom and her sister intervened.

Granddad also gave more and more money to Oral Roberts types with each year. It's appalling how seniors are targeted for scams!

How much does it cost to hire a CFA? How can we be certain they're honest? I think he might be willing to go that route, since his most recent mental slip affected his checkbook.

[Baja Margie]

19. Oh you bet,

This was a "new" friend. And he also ruined her new car. What a sleezeball, it was horrible. This guy was so smooth, we hated him & knew what he was up to right off the bat. It's a looong story. Anyway one day I'll tell you the whole story, we were pulling our hair out for about three years. Poor nana, finally it "clicked" and she cut him off, but wouldn't listen to us the entire time. 50 is what I know of, it could have been actually more.

I'll find out what the CFA costs and more particulars for you.

[sbj405]

11. I think a visit to Fl is in order.

My mom just went through this w/ my grandmother. She couldn't really assess the situation from afar and of course grandma wasn't about to admit she was getting old and unable to take care of herself. When her one friend did contact our family, she got mad and stopped talking with her and we had no honest source of info. You hubby should definitely go down and check things out. Sadly, Florida has a high density of scam artists seeking to prey on seniors.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. What did your mom do?

I wish in some ways that he'd never moved there. My husband's aunt and her companion convinced him to move very suddenly, giving things away to family and friends without any thought...having a yard sale and selling quality items for less than half their value.

He was depressed at the time, as he had been for most of the couple of years since his wife died. So in some ways, we thought the change might help him. But we don't have the kind of careers that allow us to bop down to Florida anytime we feel like it.

I'm afraid he's just going to need to move back here.

[China_cat]

14. My grandfather finally allowed my uncle

to become his conservator when we got through to him that a vague 'they' (with heavy gov't implications) could take control of his bank accounts and make sure he didn't have anything to live on.

Ok, it was dishonest in its particulars, but it protected my grandfather and allowed him to pay his own bills (with my uncle as co-signer on the checks...he just told grandpa to make out the checks and he'd mail them) and at least feel like he had some control over his life.

Do what it takes to protect the man.

[sbj405]

22. Eventually after much prodding she was able to get her to move up near my

folks. She had been in FL for 20+ years, but same situation re: not being able to go there at the drop of the hat. She spent a few months at my folks house and now has an apartment a few miles away. We wanted her to go to a senior community, but she wanted none of that.

[amazona]

15. you need to be pro-active

My mother's older relatives were robbed of literally millions of dollars by con artists. Some (most) of this occurred in Florida. There is a whole industry of people who live by preying on forgetful older people.

You will need the money for his care if he has Alzheimer's because he could be in a nursing home for two decades, as happened to one relative. The girlfriend will find another boyfriend when the money is gone or out of her reach.

My mother retained legal aid and was able to get back a small fraction of the money ($180,000) from one con artist. It's not much compared the millions stolen but it was something. A friend's attorney was able to get back $3 million needed for the care of the friend, who also had Alzheimer's and who had been robbed of everything.

What gets my goat is that the con artists walk free. They negotiate between attorneys and depending on the case, the family or nursing home may get some $$$ back but the con artist does keep something for his/her trouble, especially if he/she thinks fast and spends most of the money. D.A.s won't prosecute for defrauding elders. They think it is too hard to prove. So...the best thing you can do is nip any fraud in the bud. My mother's friend was at an advantage because my mother had already had this experience and could see the signs of being a victim in her friend, so she was able to get help before the con artists could spend all the money they stole.

Be aware if he has Alzheimer's, he may not appreciate what you are doing to help. My mother was screamed and cursed at by her former best friend. I'm surprised that she persisted in getting legal help to recover her friend's money, because the friend was already too far impaired to appreciate what had happened or who was trying to help her and who was trying to rob her. But she did persist, and now the money is there for the friend's nursing home care.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. I don't think he has Alzheimers

But he may be affected by age-related demntia. He has a younger brother who lives near us. He may be able to help convince my father-in-law to move back here. There are a number of nice assisted living facilities that he could afford (if someone hasn't swiped all his money) that are less than an hour away.

The hardest part is going to be convincing my husband that he really needs to check out the situation.

[miss_kitty]

18. Maybe the younger brother can talk to your husband about it?

you know, sometimes, that's what it takes. An outside source, an authority. Your husband might have a fear about what lays in store, if the worst case scenario is in play.

If the brother and your husband could go together, maybe that would help your hubby to go.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. That's what I'm hoping...

I hope I can get in touch with them this afternoon.

[Orangepeel]

17. well, better safe than sorry

so your husband and/or stepson ought to go for a visit.

But, I wouldn't panic. Accidentally putting all the checks into one envelope isn't a big deal. That's the kind of thing that happens to me all the time and I'm only in my 30s!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

20. He only wrote one check...

and specified the family members and amounts that they should receive. It was as if he was putting my stepson in charge of the financial transaction. It was bizarre...