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Q: How is lightning like a cellist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a cello case.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A1: The cello burns longer.
A2: The cello holds more beer.
A3: You can tune the violin.
Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Q: Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a cellist?
A: Vibrato.
Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the cello?
A: It saves time.
Q: How can you tell when a cellist is playing out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: Why is playing the cello like peeing in your pants?
A: They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
Q: Why is a cello solo like a bomb?
A: By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
Q: Why do cellists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
A1: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
A2: If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
Q: Why don't cellists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why do cellists smile when they play?
A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed cello in the road?
A: Skid marks before the skunk.
Q: How do you get a violin to sound like a cello?
A1: Sit in the back and don't play.
A2: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: A conductor and a cellist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: What is the range of a cello?
A: As far as you can kick it.
Q: What do a SCUD missile and a cello player have in common?
A: They're both offensive and inaccurate.
Q: Why are cellos so large?
A: It's an optical illusion. It's not that the cellos are large; just that the cello players' heads are so small.
Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
Q: Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a minivan with three cellos in it?
A: You could fit in at least one more.
Q: What's the difference between the first and last desk of a cello section?
A1: Half a measure.
A2: A semi-tone.
Q: Why can't you hear a cello on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: Did you hear about the cellist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
A: The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Q: Why can't a cellist play with a knife in his back?
A: Because he can't lean back in his chair.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by cello recitals.
Q: What do you call a bunch of cellists in a hot tub?
A: Vegetable soup.
Q: Did you hear about the cellist who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What is the main requirement at the "International Cello Competition?"
A: Hold the cello from memory.
Q: Why did the cellist marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for cello?
A: Divide the metronome marking by 2.
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