Absurdity: things you just cannot believe you have said to your children.

[Bertha Venation]

My sisters have lists. Among my favorites are kitchen table admonitions:

don't explode your donut

get the broccoli off your arm

don't slap your burrito

no quoting (movies)



What have you said to your kids that made you stop and wonder, "I didn't just say that, did I?"

[LynzM]

1. Oh, geez, hysterical stuff

Kids make you say crazy stuff...

Usually "that's not for eating!"

But among the better ones, "would you stop licking your foot!"

[sui generis]

2. Tinkerbell you put that turd down RIGHT NOW!!!

[Dookus]

3. not to a child

but at a poker table, I once had to say to the dealer "Excuse me, could you aks that gentleman to stop licking the chips?"

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. ewwwwwwwwww

I've never been gambling before, but I think if I ever do, I'm going to bring some of those disinfecting wipes...

[Mass_Liberal]

14. hahahah

I hope he got thrown out.... ew.... where was this?

[Dookus]

20. At a card club here in California

a player was licking the chips and sticking them to his forehead. He thought it was funny.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. No, you've never been a girl....At least, not in this life.

Naturally, this conversation took place in a crowded grocery store.

[Southpaw Bookworm]

6. Overhead in Virginia Beach

For the last time Megan, I am not a space alien!

(actually said by a girl of about 7 to her little sister)

[DrZeeLit]

23. "We'll just tell your Dad we already went to Mass..."

That's when my son and I started ditching Church together.
Oi, so bad. I had my kid lying with me about Church....

And no... I'm not married to his Dad any more. And yes, the kid (now 30, a DUer and a great guy) and I are both atheists. Dad... still attending Mass regularly... (but he votes Dem).

[redqueen]

7. No, honey, Barney doesn't drink.

:crazy:

[CO Liberal]

8. "Don't Slap Your Burrito", or You'll Go Blind

:-)

[Solly Mack]

9. "Get the cat's head out of your mouth"

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

10. "Get your foot off your dish"

"Stop licking your flip-flop's soles"

And many many others in the same vein. I tells ya, this girl must have the strongest antibodies EVAH.

[loudestchick]

11. "No, those socks aren't "too" dirty. " I'm a horrible parent.

[tigereye]

12. even though we don't like the president,

we still have to respect the office. :eyes:

and We have to stop at the red light or cars will smash into us.

[Pithlet]

13. "Oh My God! The Mircrowave's on Fire!"

That one was recent. My son had put my box of hot cocoa mix in and let it rip. The foil lined packs exploded in a firey electric blue conflagration.

[bif]

15. Because i'm the Dad, that's why!

What a lame one.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

16. Spit that grasshopper out

[MonkeyFunk]

17. "Zachary! Stop hitting your brother with the dog!"

Overheard while on the phone with my sister in law.
And yes, it was an actual dog, not a stuffed one.

[yardwork]

18. Have you been eating sand again?

Said while changing his diapers, where the evidence was obvious.

[loudestchick]

19. I had sand eaters, too!!!!

[LanternWaste]

21. "I'll give you two dollars if you can get it into your nose all the way to

"I'll give you two dollars if you can get it into your nose all the way to your elbow..."

He almost wasn't my godson after that evening of babysitting

[CornField]

22. No, I cannot buy you a penis

To my 4-year-old daughter... she was very disappointed.

"The Goddess will not be mad if you pee on the grass!"

"Please refrain from buttering your brother." (Got pictures of that one somewhere)

"Little Debbies are not make-up!"

[AlienGirl]

24. "Stop eating your chili with a Lego and use a spoon instead!"

[peacefreak]

25. After she hit me up for $20 for the third time

without repayment...."you are bleeding the life blood right out of me".
A co-worker overheard it & has made it into part of the lexicon.

[Bouncy Ball]

26. Just tonight I had to say

"No I'm not washing my BALLS, I said I'm washing my BOWLS."

I also said "Oooo, Angry Fourth Graders, we're not gonna take it anymore, eh?"

[Bouncy Ball]

27. Another one from today

"No, honey, I don't think I'm in perimenopause."

(They get more interesting as they get older...)

[Bouncy Ball]

28. Another

(not from today)

"Unless you are bleeding, choking, vomiting or otherwise dying, don't interrupt this phone call."

[yardwork]

37. I say that a lot. "Unless it is a 911 emergency, do not interrupt ...."

[ok_cpu]

29. My three year-old son

Wet his pants one time while playing in the yard because he didn't want to come in to use the bathroom. I told him, half jokingly, next time to just go in the yard on the tree.

Next day I got a call at work from my wife informing me he was squatting in the yard doing "number 2"...

Gotta be careful what you say.

[Bertha Venation]

30. OMFG

ROFLMAO tears are rolling down my cheeks

"stop hitting your brother with the dog"

"don't butter your brother"

:wtf:

LOLOL

Thank you all so much! More, more, more!

[politicat]

31. "Don't pee down Daddy's neck - ASK to get down and go!"

Not my kid, my nephew. He's just about totally potty trained, but like most boys between 3 and 4, it's an urgent thing when the need arises.

D and his Dad were playing Evercrack (Everquest)... Okay. Daddy was playing and D was up on his dad's shoulders, watching Daddy smash orcs or whatever. D said, "Gotta go pee, Dad."

"Just a minute, son."

D's a smart kid - he pulled aside is pullups and let his Dad have it down the back of his neck.

Daddy does not do "just a minute, son," with D. anymore.

Pcat

[HeyManThatsCool]

32. Sometimes I can't believe what rolls out of my mouth

I have 3 nephews that I'm very close too.
1 of them is a chronic bed wetter.
One night as I was putting them in bed after having had them here for a week (I was frustrated) I said 'Do NOT pee in that fucking bed tonight. Do you understand me? Whatever you do, no pee pee in the bed" And he nodded his head & I said do u understand me? And he said "Yep, I shouldnt pee in the fucking bed"

[politicat]

33. Plastic mattress covers.

But a little swearing never killed a child. I personally believe that the sting goes out of the words if they know they can use them occasionally. I'm far more creative in my insults because I was allowed to swear at home from early on. It became dull for me pretty quick.

Pcat

[JohnKleeb]

34. I would share one my dad said to me but it may offend

[chefgirl]

35. I'm sure I have many

The one that comes to mind is the most recent:

"Will you just stop blabbering and eat your homework?" :silly:

-chef-

[Aristus]

36. "Why do you want me to pat your back while you poop?"

This, to my grandson. :eyes:

[OldLeftieLawyer]

38. "You're too big to fit in the freezer any more"

It's a long story.

[Bertha Venation]

39. kick

We haven't exhausted this yet, have we?

[Carson]

40. "Don't pour milk in your ear." and my favorite....

"Don't drink your bathwater."

To which my son replied, "Why? There's enough."