The little woman spends all the money

[number9]

we're not married, but have been together for many years. She's not working, so asks periodically for money for stuff - food, cat litter, other stuff. I don't mind, but she always spends at least 50% more than planned or budgeted for. I rarely even get a pair of shoes because I'm so cheap.

How can I get her to stop spending so much money?

(I have a friend that said years ago he had a wife that would go shopping and say "honey, I saved $75 on things today!!!!! He would say praise jesus and ask on what. She would say "these clothes only cost $350 and would have usually cost $425!")

[foxglove1]

1. If she spends 50% more, just give her 50% less

and you'll come out even

Sue

[number9]

3. but I get the feeling

that 50% less would turn out to be 75% less in reality. I even question how to balance my checkbook anymore - with my kind of math or the "new" creative kind!

[foxglove1]

6. Why don't you go shopping with her?

I used to go shopping for groceries and spend 4 times what I had planned to spend, because of sales on meats for the freezer and canned goods. So I solved it ... I write out the list and my husband shops. He buys just what's on the list and our grocery bill is affordable. Ahem, I do, however, request that he buy 12 chickens when they're on sale for .39/lb

Sue

[number9]

7. because not only am I cheap

but after work, I'm pretty lazy.

I agree with the .39/lb chicken purchases though.

[AlienGirl]

14. If you are cheap and lazy

...why not write out the list? Or only give her a certain amount?

Actually, though, if I had a husband who called me "the little woman" and gave me a hard time about buying necessities like food and kitty litter, but was too lazy to participate in the actual shopping, I'd probably leave him. :-) Just so you know.

Tucker

[number9]

16. well, it's just that the necessities

that we agreed on turn out to be much more than anticipated. What I think of as a luxory is looked at as a need. You're right about what could be perceived as "uncle hillbilly" language - the little woman - but that's what she is to me, and it's not taken in a negative way.

[AlienGirl]

18. What are these "luxuries"?

Can they be had for cheaper, perhaps by going to big-box stores?

Tucker

[number9]

20. not where I live

there is no beastly walmart. small town america.

luxories - clothes not needed, expensive foods not needed, a house that doesn't need to be so big, and everything that goes with it. I guess I'm just needing a little bit of nothingness for awhile - that simple life kind of thing.

[OldEurope]

26. things not needed...

perhaps she also feels a bit beeing "not needed"? No job, no children, hell, I´d be bored to death!

[radwriter0555]

27. Then TAKE A VACATION! Go camping and get a sampling of that

nothingness!

I was away from home for a month, traveling in europe. By the time we made our way to Venice where THAT hotel had air conditioning AND a hair dryer, we were positively GIDDY with the anticipation of so much unfettered luxury!

Eh go camping, take a road trip... appreciate home a tad bit more! The DAY I got home I had my window unit AC installed, having gained a certain appreciation for not sweating my arse off.

[blondeatlast]

32. Ya beat me to it--agree 100%.

nm

[bleedingheart]

2. how little is this woman?

perhaps there is a money making opportunity here? and how much money could a little woman really need?

;-)

[number9]

4. hhhmmm

nah. she's a headstrong little woman. dangit.
sometimes I just want to go back to the hills and git me one a them cave dwellers.

[ForrestGump]

8. Had the same kind of problem,

long term, and it was not good. Living (an undisclosed, but pretty huge sum) over your means is not good, and it's not fair when one partner is doing most of the spending and none of the contributng, especially when he or she is being extravagant while the other lives like a monk/nun.

Factor in headstrong - as in "don't you tell me what I can or can't do....I can do whatever I want" - and you have a very bad mix. or you can. I did, anyway....been there and, unfortunately, done that.

Basically, you can continually butt heads, and you probably won't win unless you take it to the brink of dissolution of your relationship (and maybe not even then), or you can resolve it by (i) escaping the realtionship or (ii) by sticking with it, no matter what.

My (perhaps obviously tainted) perspective, anyway.

[wtmusic]

5. relationship troubles nearly always come down to $ n/t

.

[SOteric]

9. Change the way you do you budgeting

and change the amount of disposable income you let her have.

When I've had to share my finances in the past with people who knew no self-control about money, I kept them entirely away from cash. If your local banks do not yet offer rechargeable credit /debit cards, set up a checking account specifically for your partner. Put in that account only the amount of funds you can afford for her to spend without harming your ability to pay bills and subsist.

I also suggest that you set up an account for yourself, and even if you're reluctant to spend, take a bit out for yourself. Put it into savings or a retirement plan. Just don't let yourself be a victim. You'll build more resentment than is good or necessary, and it'll only add to the conflict.

So you'll end up with 3 accounts: Yours, hers, and one you share.

[number9]

11. that's a great idea but

"Put in that account only the amount of funds you can afford for her to spend without harming your ability to pay bills and subsist."

I would feel like a creep.

[SOteric]

13. How much of a creep will you feel like

if you're forced to declare bankruptcy.

[radwriter0555]

28. "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

As Eleanor Roosevelt said...

[supernova]

34. Great advice, this is what I'd do

if I ever had the nerve to pair off again.

His and Hers accounts, then a mutual account for the household. Out of that mutual account you pay common expenses: food, mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc.

The His and Hers accounts can then be reserved for personal spending, stuff you want but the other person doesn't have to be responsible for.

But yeah, I'm one of the cheapskates. I shop at thrift stores and yard sales. I buy the grocery store brands of things, I buy paper products and cleaning supplies at the big box stores like Target. They're way overpriced at the grocery store.

Doing all those things really adds up to more $$ in your bank account. "Live beneath your means." is my motto.

[KCDem]

10. hm, I have several questions

You say you're not married but have been together for many years... are we talking common-law marriage-type thing? And is she not working now due to either the crappy economy or a health condition, And, if the tables were turned, would she be supporting you? Or is she just not working because she doesn't have to since you're around?
I ask because I _personally_ think that would make a difference in my own treatment of said person.

I don't work out of the home, but I'm raising a 1 and 3-y-old. I DESPISE having to ask for money to spend, whereas my husband gets to buy what he wants, when he wants. The way I look at it is I'm doing just as much work as he, only I don't get paid and I don't get to go to an office where I can have stimulating conversations with others. (hence, my DU addiction!)

If you want/need her to stop spending $, maybe you can make her in charge of finances so that she sees what her spending is doing to your budget. If she's the one who has to pay the bills, she'll see how much her spendthriftiness is costing ya'll. But please, don't begrudge her the cat litter! If it needs to be bought, buy it. Or, get rid of the cat. But don't make her feel guilty for necessary items.

Good luck finding some common ground!

[number9]

12. common law togetherness kind of thing

not working due to crappy economy and no jobs in this area.

I like to think she would support me if necessary, but don't think I'll ever find out the true answer to that one, thankfully.

Raising two kids is a job - a big job. I would much rather be doing what I'm doing than that, so I totally respect the thought of what that's worth.

Can't get rid of the cat. He has a love/hate relationship with me.

[Spangle]

15. Get her involved

In not spending it.

You said you two are not married, but you haven't said if you two are making long term planning. Such as for a house, major purchase or retirement.

What I'm getting at is that she needs to have an invested intrested in NOT spending the money. A reason for saving it. Everyone needs such control.

You might try saving up for something SHE might be intrested in, but also something YOU want as well. "Saving" money is a way to give her some control, as if she is part of "making it" and gives her something to be proud of.

[number9]

17. that is an excellent response

well thought out

[radwriter0555]

29. MARRY HER. That makes her responsible for half the bills....

go figure.

[supernova]

37. Great thinking

excellent rationale. :thumbsup:

[TXlib]

38. Yes, I whole-heartedly agree

Perhaps you can track your finances in Quicken. I do this; I have a separate Quicken account for ever credit card, each bank account, retirement account, etc. I even track our wallet money.

Have her enter all her receipts, and go through the finances with her monthly, to identify where the most money is going. She may come to the desired conclusion herself.

Another thing you can do is have a "fun money" allowance each month, that you can save up and roll from one month to the next. Money spent from this fund may not be denied by the other person for financial reasons. (i.e. - she could object to your getting a Hustler subscription with your fun money, but not because of the cost.)

[inthecorneroverhere]

19. my try on this

Please don't call her 'the little lady.' She probably feels 'entitled' to go out and spend money when she's 'just' a 'little lady.' Make sure that she and you both understand that y'all are responsible adults making grown-up decisions, but as friends and equal partners.

I like the idea of the debit card account his 'n' hers, along with a 'together' account for expenses that are for the whole family. That puts everybody on a budget of what is available to spend.

There are lots of little 'lifestyle' things (if it's heavily advertised on TV, especially on kids' shows, chances are that it might be a candidate for cutting) that can be cut out easily, but basics like food, insurance, health, basic pet care, and the like, shouldn't be cut.

Don't begrudge her basics like food and kitty litter (the basic clay kind that costs $2.49).

Go to lots of yard sales early on Saturday mornings. Lots of times, there is good stuff to be had for really cheap.

Be real careful about stuff like toys, video games, video rentals, software. A lot of that kind of stuff can be cut out, had for a song at yard sales or bought on sale. Also, the time to find sales at toy stores and the like is now, not a month before Christmas.

Be careful about going overboard for Christmas. Lots of kids have way too many toys (made-in-China) and not enough love and attention from the folks around 'em.

As far as clothes go, I have hardly bought any this entire year. There are three reasons:

1) I have too many clothes already!!!
2) I really don't want to support *shrub-o-nomics
3) When I do buy clothes, its almost always in February and March when the stores have the big :evilgrin: 66% and 75% off clearance sales!
4) a lot of the styles this year are, ummmm...icky

edit: added my opinion on styles LOL

[JVS]

21. Go to the bar on payday

have a few beers but act like you got wasted and blew all the money getting drunk. Then you will have an excuse for giving her less money. :toast:

[Maddy McCall]

22. and she will have a good excuse to leave.

Methinks that the original poster does not treat his common-law wife as an equal partner in the relationship. "Little Woman?" :puke:

Housekeeping is a job, and she is entitled to part of you expendible income. That she has to beg you to mete out money to here for groceries and cat litter makes her, no doubt, feel like a dependent and needy child.

Yeah, follow JVS's advice---create more problems.

You aren't "giving her money." I mean, is she not entitled to buy necessities without you making her feel that you are the benevolent paternalistic font through which all things flow?

Sad that she isn't any more independent in her on personage than she is. Then she would probably tell you to go fetch the cavewoman as she walked out the door.

[JVS]

23. Well my advice could work theoretically

It would really make push come to shove, and the truth would come out that either:

A) The original poster hasn't been giving her enough money or treating her as an equal partner and she will be upset by this new action and leave.
or
B) She really is spending too much money and will be able to cover expenses on the reduced amount that the original poster hands out.

Either one is better than

C) Leave things alone where either they are locked in a unhappy situation where she isn't treated as an equal
or
D) Going to the poorhouse because they really can't afford their current lifestyle.

[Maddy McCall]

51. yeah, it could give her a theoretical reason to leave his ass.

Relationships rarely follow "theoretical" terms.

[greatauntoftriplets]

24. "Little woman"

Is she a character out of a Louisa May Alcott novel?

[catpower2000]

36. *SNARF*

What do you think you would do the first time someone called you "the little woman"? I think I would laugh hysterically and then start packing.

Cat

[Maddy McCall]

44. No Shit

Of course, you and I would never enter a relationship with a guy once we saw that major

[blondeatlast]

48. Ain't it the truth!

nm

[boilerbabe]

25. I am not in the same situation

I am paying for my brother, so it's not even the same thing is it? so anyway, what can you say either way? try get a fucking job..not. they act like it's YOUR fault...

[catpower2000]

30. If you called me your "little woman",I'd spend all your money out of spite

Where am I? 1952?

[TXlib]

39. Awww, don't worry your pretty little head about it...

*pat pat pat*

Now, scoot, and bake me a cake!

:evilgrin:

(Kidding, please don't hurt me. Much.)

[catpower2000]

40. LOL

Okay, honey, can I bring you your pipe and slippers too?

Hang on, I'll preheat the oven for your cake. Just stick your head in there and make sure it's hot enough, won't you?

:evilgrin:

Cat

[TXlib]

41. Do I look like Hansel to you?

[blondeatlast]

49. And that the gas is on--let me light a match so I can see; looks like

it's on--

Woopsie!

[ProfessorGAC]

31. Some Advice

It sounds as if you're thinking of the money as your money.

Since the day my wife and i moved in together (about a month before we got married) we always considered the money "OUR MONEY". Not mine, not hers, OURS!

She doesn't work anymore (although she's thinking about teaching again), but that didn't change the philosophy when she "retired". Even when she works, she makes about a quarter of what i make, and i have never thought of the money as something divisible. It's all ours. Not half mine, half hers. Not 80% mine when i made 80% of the money. Not 100% mine now that i make the whole pile. It's all OURS.

I think if you consider it that way, it will create less angst for you.

The budgeting issues are a separate item, but the basic philosophy of "all ours" might reduce the stress.
The Professor

[Skittles]

33. UM

stop giving her money?

[maxanne]

35. maybe if you stopped calling her

"the little woman" and start treating her like an equal, she'd respond in kind. Imagine how your self esteem would soar if she referred to you as "the little man" or even "the small man." :eyes:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

42. LOL N9, stirring up a little hit storm there? A few observations

1. The little woman thing really is sexist and a PUT DOWN to someone you love. I request you think about it and not dismiss it.

2. Maybe since you DON'T appear to do the grocery shopping you are out of touch with the actual cost of things.

3. By your own admission, you are cheap so we are hearing this complaint from the perspective of a CHEAP person where certain over expenditures might be perfectly reasonable.

4. The two areas that fuck couples up are sex and money. Time to communicate and clear the air.

5. I think you are probably cool and probably using the "little woman" term more like a "pull everyone's chain" thing but it does speak to underlying attitudes.

6. Stop being a victim and make a request. Learn what things cost so you can plan.

7. Negotiate.

9. :spank: That's for being a wiseguy.

[SOteric]

43. Perfect! Read NSMA,, the rest is just icing on the cake.

[Maddy McCall]

45. summed it up perfectly

good advice. The ideas that a woman who stays at home isn't "working" (by his own admission, he is lazy when he gets home), and that money she spends on groceries and cat litter is extravagent are down right insulting.

I bet she keeps the house clean, and she washes your BVDs and socks, but she isn't working?

Let her go grocery shopping without being bitched at--that is probably the only bit of independence she enjoys!

It sucks to be in a bad job market and to have to stay home because you can't find a job, especially if you have been employed previously. I feel sorry for her because I have been in that position before. You feel worthless, and the last thing you need is someone telling you can't handle the only responsibility that takes you outside the home. I feel for her.

[Maddy McCall]

46. And let me add...

that I have a friend who is in a marriage similar to yours. She works as a teaching assistant for most of the year, but is off in the summers. She is also attending college to get her elementary ed degree so that she can make 3x as much money as she is making as a TA. She only makes about $8,000/yr now.

She and I wanted to go out to a Mexican restaurant a couple of weeks ago. We were going to take our kids with us. She wanted to have a margarita...she rarely drinks, yet her husband drinks a six-pack every night and smokes 2 packs of cigs every day. That works out to about 12 bucks a day, every day, for him.

So, she wanted to go out with me to eat, and she asked him for money. (That she had to even ask him for money is INSULTING!) He gave her 15 bucks, to cover her meal, her daughter's meal, and a 5 dollar margarita. What bullshit!! I ended up picking up the tab for her, and since he is my friend too, when we got back to their home, I handed him the money he had given her, and told her what shit it was for him to only give her 15 dollars.

Then I told him the truth, which I have learned from many midnight, teary phonecalls from her. She feels that he is trying to control her by not giving her money. Sometimes she wants to go do stuff, but he will put the quaitus on her plans by telling her "he can't afford it" (he can afford it, he makes good money and he can afford to smoke and drink like he does). He won't take her out, and he won't give her money to go out when she wants.

So, when she gets her degree, she is going to leave him. She will be outta there. And even though he is my friend too, I will celebrate the day she gets her degree with her. She needs to leave the controlling bastard!

By the way, she gets her little revenge. She puts syrup of ipecac in his beer when he is especially mean to her and he pukes all night. She is so frustrated and miserable that if I could take her in, I would tell her to leave him now.

So, #9, don't let it ever get to this point. To force dependency on someone is crooked, and you shouldn't do that.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

47. Tell her NSMA said the best revenge will be living well

[Maddy McCall]

50. LOL! I will tell her...but you have to admit that it is funny as hell

to get a call from her hubby the next day telling me that he must have gotten ahold of some "green beer" the night before. :puke:

[number9]

52. Jeepers!!!

I didn't mean to start a firestorm! In all ways we get along great - have been together for years. I don't try to be controlling, just have to reconcile my cheapness with her not-so-cheapness. Think I'll take her out for a nice dinner (and not at McDonalds!).

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

53. Good for you!

Like I said, I knew you were just stirring the pot a bit but maybe this thread may have uncovered (for you) how she feels about things. Money is tough and if only one person has a paycheck even rougher.

You may NOT have been intending to control but many use money to do so.
Anyway, good luck getting it all reconciled to your satisfaction.