I was sitting in my office, and my bank account

[LordshipLadyship]

was as empty as Bush's brain. I needed a client like Cheney needed a heart. Then the door opened, and she walked in. The sudden warmth in my body had nothing to do with the half empty gin bottle on my desk. 'What's a Republican dame like you doing in a Democratic place like this?'

She said :

[ET Awful]

1. "Quiet flatfoot, I need your help and I've got information you can use."

"See, it seems I was visiting with a fella in a big house over in DC, and while we was . . . visiting,he said some stuff you might be interested in. The problem is I think they know I know, and if they do know I know and that you know they know I know, I'm a dead woman, ya know?"

"So what did they say lady?"

"They said . . . . . . .

[Catch22Dem]

2. "...the whole Iraq war has gone better than they could have dreamed."

"What are you talkin' about, lady?" I said. "I don't know much, but I know a major foul up when I see one, a major foul up."

"They know, but I kept hearing things like 'increased profits for some place called Carlies, or Carmichaels, or Carlyle, or something like that. Also, lots of stuff about Halliburton...I remember that one."

She had sparked my interest, that's for sure. She'd also sparked something else in me, something that hadn't been awakened since that night at the Copa. What was it about her, and where had I seen her before?

[LordshipLadyship]

3. But then a shot shattered my glass door into a

spider web pattern, and I hit the inch wide layer of dust that covered my floor, bringing her down with me. I heard the sound of cowboy boots running away, and I jumped up, pulling out my gat, but the shooter was far gone, like the Bush administration's sanity. I turned back to her, but blood was turning her turquoise sash to scarlet. Her eyes were already glazed over, I had to work fast. "Doll, you have to hold on, do you hear me?" and she gasped :

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

4. Seventh... Saudi... Prince... MIHOP... not LIHOP... *GAKKK* (nt)

[EstimatedProphet]

5. Her life leaked out on the floor,

turning the blue tiles red. It looked like a map of the 2004 election in my office.
I knew from her dying words that Bandar Bush was who she was talking about. I went over to the Saudi embassy to try and see him. But I couldn't get in-there was a wall of US Taxpayer muscle in front of the building three feet thick.
As I walked up to the entrance, the head musclehead stepped in front of me.
"Where do you think you're going, gumshoe?" he said.
"I need to have a little talk with Mr. Bandar" I replied.
"Amscray. Nobody sees Bandar."
I tried to push past him, but he was very good at being in the way. I almost slipped out of his grasp when I saw out of the corner of my eye a fist the size of a frying pan coming right toward me. Then everything went black.

[Richardo]

6. When I came to I was staring into the business end of a .45

"Look who's decided to join us." I heard from the other side of the gat. "Guess what, kittycat, it's time for a few questions."

"Shall we give him the Abu Gahraib treatment? I got the leash right here and the battery's fully charged," A whiny voice from behind me said. From another room I could hear a faint, melodious voice singing "Let the Eagle Soar."

"Na, let's start with the Gitmo. We'll go from there."

Sweat beaded up on my forehead. I knew what that meant.

[11 Bravo]

7. Smoke from her cheap cigarette curled around her forehead,

Her eyes gleamed like ice from the Tiffany heist. "Do you love freedom?" she growled in a sexy contralto. Just then, Mr. Big waded into the room like the Duke storming the shores of Iwo. "Damnit," he spit. "We're not taking the fall for this!" My temptress replied ...

[LordshipLadyship]

10. "Oh go skin a calico cat,"

she seethed. In the meantime, sweat was pouring off me faster than Kerry conceded. I confessed. To everything. To keeping that National Geographic cover under my bunkbed. To stealing those packets of sugar off the table. To things I never did. To things I might do. To things the kids I never had and probably never would now might do. I was beginning to feel like whatever Ann Coulter threw up each night. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, the guy she was talking to launched into another round of God, naked statues, and more verses about some Eagle soaring. Mister, nobody's stopping the damn eagle! Do you even know what a eagle looks like? It has talons, you moron. I started to black out, but then I heard several shots, and the sound of breaking glass. That was when HE came in, and he said :

[jandrok]

8. I steeled myself for the beating I was about to take......

...but then the door opened and light briefly illuminated a shadowy figure walking into the room. The door closed and the room was once again thrust into shadow. My stomach was doing turns, my head still spinning.

A gravel voice said "Everybody out. I want to....discuss things a little with our "guest".

I was ushered to a table and forced to sit. The grunt who was holding me brought my cuffed hands behind me, effectively tying me to the chair. I was cuffed in the head again as the weasel began to leave. He walked out of the room, spitting in my direction as he left.

I raised my head and looked at my interrogator. The glint of recognition struck me. I stared incredulously. It couldn't be. No fucking way. I was staring straight into hell.....and Satan himself was staring back....

[roguevalley]

9. I recognized Satan by the pearls around the wattly neck, the

buggy eyes and the familiar smirk. Satan said ...

[LordshipLadyship]

11. I'm going to give you a piece of

my beautiful mind. The others are nothing, who do you think was really behind the war, killing all those beautiful young men and women?'
'I should have known. Behind any puny, no good for nothing turd of a man there's always a much more poisonous woman. And here I thought Sneer Face with the mechanical pump was the real power behind the curtain. Well, do your best, sister, it won't matter spit, because where I came from, there's a hell of a lot more. They come from all races, all creeds, all shapes and all sizes, and I'm one of them. Remember, sister? The L word. The word you and your self righteous cronies tried to dirty. Liberal. Try saying it aloud, sister, maybe it'll save your soul, but I wouldn't throw dice on it. Go ahead. Return me to the ash I came from and have your little shindig. I hear karma's a woman, and a bitch at that. Makes my ex look like Tinkerb-"
And she did things to me that hurt my body, but not my soul. It may have been a little tarnished in my line of work, but you pay your money and you take your choice. Just when I thought I'd never drink cheap gin again, I heard the shots ring out. And SHE came in. And she had company. I grinned, despite the split lip.
"I'd stand for you ladies, my mother raised me right, and all that, but I'm a little tied up at the moment."
The two women looked at one another and groaned.
"I've heard better ones in the DU Lounge."
"Yeah? Small world, I post there too. DemGumshoe, that's me."
'YOU! You have no right to come in here! Get the hell out now!" the old woman screeched.
The brunette looked at her friend.
'Dr. King preached against violence--" she began, but her eyes sparkled.
'Barbara, in this case, I think even Martin would make an exception." the African American beauty said with the same look in her eye.
Let's just say what they did to her made a certain practice REALLY look like high school cheerleader tryouts. And a guy came in afterward, looked over the scene, shook his head. But his disapproval was about as real as that turkey Chimp Boy posed with.
"My vote in this matter is still not counted, I see." he grinned.
They groaned even louder at him. That's about when I passed out.

Well, it wasn't long before I was stitched up, back in my office, and everything was all right with the world. Sure, the ape was still in his shiny white cage, but people were beginning to wake up, and they didn't like what they saw. All good endings have a beginning. That was enough for me.

And later, much later, when I was nursing the good stuff for a change (courtesy of that doll named Barbara) my office door opened again.
'I need help." The tall, gaunt man said.
'Let me guess. You want your turn on the horsey, but you ran out of quarters."
'Not exactly, there are certain nuances-"
'Nuances, schoonuaces. Sit down. Let's talk about my fee.."


The end

(I couldn't let my democratic P.I. hero just die away like that so I finished it. Thanks for playing with me ) :)